Volume 150 — PETHERTON'S PARROT.

Matters are getting worse between Petherton and myself; in fact if any friendship had ever existed between us I am afraid one would say that we are now in a state of complete estrangement, resulting from the invasion of my premises by his parrot, and the ensuing correspondence. My opening gambit was as follows:—

Dear Mr. Petherton,—My immediate object in addressing you is to ask whether by any chance you have lost a parrot, because a bird of that species flew through an open bedroom window of my house this morning without invitation or encouragement from us.

I am inclined to think that the bird is yours, but have nothing but what I might term the synthetic process of reasoning for arriving at this conclusion. If you have lost anything of a parroty nature, and will write me a description of it, I will see whether it tallies with the bird in whose possession we are. I describe the situation in this way because it more truly expresses it than the converse would do.

Yours faithfully,

H. J. Fordyce.

Petherton countered with the following:—

Sir,—In reply to your absurdly worded letter I have lost a parrot, a grey one. I do not know why you should have inferred that the bird at your place belongs to me, unless you had already heard that mine is missing, in which case I should have thought the proper course would have been to return it.

I suppose, however, that to a person of your nature such a simple procedure would have been impossible. The writing of unnecessary, stupid and rather annoying letters seems to be an obsession with you.

I shall be obliged by your giving the bird to the bearer of this note.

Yours truly,

Frederick Petherton.

The yeast of controversy was evidently beginning to work, and I kept it going with:—

Dear Petherton,—What a noble literary effort is yours, but, if I may be allowed to criticise it, it seems to me that while your technique is almost faultless there is lack of a sense of values in the composition. Word-painting is a delightful art, but surely in this case the most important feature should have been a telling description of your missing bird. The mere outward hue of the parrot is not sufficient; I wanted you to describe its habits, accomplishments and the colour of its language; and in face of your meagre description I should not feel justified in handing over this bird to you, in spite of its being a grey one.

Mind you, I believe you belong to this parrot, but I should like further proof. I have made no other inquiries in Surbury, but possibly someone else in the neighbourhood may have a grey parrot on the loose.

Trusting to have a satisfactory reply at your leisure,

I am, Yours faithfully,

H. J. Fordyce.

Petherton by this time was up on his hind legs. He wrote:—

Confound you, Sir! The bird is undoubtedly mine. It is grey, talks a little, and puts its head on one side after the manner of its kind. I need not give you a fuller description of it; you know perfectly well the bird is mine, and if you do not return it at once I shall take legal steps for the recovery of my property.

Frederick Petherton.

Dear Fred,—I am sorry you should be so upset by the loss of a bird that must have been a cause of considerable embarrassment to you at times, that is if the bird which at present conducts our ménage is yours.

If you would only provide me with a list of the phrases most favoured by your parrot I should be able to come to a definite conclusion on the point of ownership. In a general way the bird here tallies with your description.

As you practically ask for their name, my solicitors are Messrs. Smith, Smith, Smith & Jones, which may be algebraically expressed (though not on the envelope) as 3 (Smith) + Jones.

In the event of your going on the war-path these gentlemen would accept service of any billets-doux on my behalf.

Yours,

Harry J. Fordyce.

P.S.—If you have any sort of book explaining how to subpœna a parrot, do lend it me like a good chap. If I find it necessary to call it (the parrot), its evidence will have to be heard in camerâ, I fancy.

This elicited from Petherton:—

Sir,—As my parrot has now been in your possession for several days it is more than possible that it has acquired a taste for strong language. It certainly was a model of propriety before it strayed on to your premises.

Unless the bird is back in my possession before the 29th inst. I shall instruct my solicitors to serve a writ upon yours, without further warning or intimation of any kind, as I consider your behaviour most unwarrantable, though characteristic.

Fflly. yours,

Fredk. Petherton.

I sent the bird back the next morning, the 28th, with a note:—

Dear Freddy,—The bird itself has at last provided me with the proof which you were unable or unwilling to supply. Among a string of other rather fruity remarks which it made while we were at breakfast this morning it indulged—vicariously, one assumes—in a hope as to my future which has removed any traces of doubt lingering in my mind as to the bird's ownership.

My wife and maid-servant were present, and as the remark was a very comprehensive one and indicated me by name I am not sure that an action for libel would not lie against you.

But I am not vindictive, so return the bird to a more fitting milieu.

Yours,Harry.

I am still waiting for Petherton's letter of thanks.

P.C. "What's become of the little 'ousemaid?" The Latest Thing in Domestics. "Oh, she's working on munitions. You'll have to talk to me now."

Another Impending Apology.

"The majority of the blockading officers are drawn from the Royal Naval Reserve, whose skill in seamanship is a byeword."

Bournemouth Daily Echo.

From "Mrs. Gossip's" account, in The Daily Sketch, of the audience at the Serbian matinée at Drury Lane:—

"Every one I knew was there. Queen Alexandra looked dignified and gracious in black and white. With her were the Princess Royal, Princess Victoria, Princess Maud of Fife ... and Princess Arthur of Connaught."

We trust that Her Majesty and the four Princesses were conscious of this friendly recognition.

From a description of Mr. Lloyd George's meeting at Conway:—

"This gathering was originally fixed for Saturday, the 29th ult., but was postponed for a week to meet the right hon. gentleman's convenience.

The interval of waiting was spent in listening to songs and choruses."

What lungs these Welsh folk have!

"The Gardens and Deer Park will be thrown open to the Public ... Children under 14 unaccompanied by their Parents and Dogs not admitted."—Gloucester Citizen.

We understand that some parents consider the wording of this notice a little derogatory.