THE BOGUS MANAGER'S VADE MECUM.
Reading edition
Question. Is it an easy thing to become the manager of a theatre?
Answer. Why, certainly; you require no cash, and very little credit.
Q. Is it necessary that you should have any special training to enable you to appropriately fill so responsible a position?
A. No. If you are sufficiently impudent, you may in the past have been a betting-man, a crossing-sweeper, or an unqualified dentist.
Q. Will you have any difficulty in securing a theatre?
A. Not at all. You will always find someone willing to accept you as a lessee without making any inquiry as to your antecedents.
Q. Having obtained a theatre, what is your next step?
A. To get together a company. This is easily managed, as the dramatic trade-journals give every week a long list of actors and actresses who are "resting."
Q. What do you understand by such a word?
A. That the advertiser is much in need of an engagement, but is too proud to acknowledge it.
Q. Such a frame of mind is, I suppose, favourable to hurried and unconsidered engagements?
A. Quite so. It is an easy matter to get an entire company on excellent terms. Not that money is of any importance; for you may as well promise five pounds a week as five shillings, if you do not intend to pay.
Q. Having secured your company, what is the next step?
A. To make them rehearse three weeks or a month without a salary.
Q. I suppose you have no trouble about obtaining a piece on advantageous terms?
A. None whatever. If you are lucky you will get some conceited noodle to pay you for producing his play; and if you are not so fortunate, why at least you will get a drama, comedy, or burlesque for nothing.
Q. Say that you are ready to begin, will you have any difficulty in obtaining the preliminary announcements?
A. No. For having been trusted by the proprietor of the theatre, the advertisement agents will follow suit, and you will obtain sufficient publicity to balance your requirements.
Q. And what will take place on and after the opening of the playhouse under your management?
A. You will get more or less ready money taken at the doors during five days of the week, with which you can safely decamp without paying anybody on or before the sixth.
Q. Will not your sudden departure cause some inconvenience to a large number of persons connected with the enterprise?
A. Assuredly. Many of the company you have engaged will starve, and the other parties to the proceedings will use strong language as they wipe off your liability as a bad debt.
Q. Is it possible that you will be made a bankrupt?
A. Not only possible, but probable.
Q. And will this end your theatrical career?
A. Why, of course not. All you will have to do is to take a little holiday.
Q. And after the holiday, what next?
A. Why, then you can secure another theatre and repeat the proceedings with exactly similar results.
NEWS FROM THE LAW COURTS.
Cold but In-vig-orating.
THE GINGHAM-GRABBER.
Someone wrote, "Killing's no Murder." Nothing well could be absurder! But to many in our time Stealing (umbrellas) seems no crime. Therefore, to a frank plain dealer, Killing—an umbrella-stealer— Might be called—by Justice tried— Justifiable Snobicide!
"CRAMMING."
Affectionate Uncle. "Glad to see you, Rupert. Now tell me all about it. What Form are you in, Old Boy?"
Nephew (just returned from Harrow). "Well, Uncle, not so bad, I think. I can generally manage a couple of Eggs, two Sausages or Kidneys, some Dundee Marmalade, and two Cups of Coffee for Breakfast. I always have a little Luncheon, any amount of Roast Beef or Mutton for Dinner, and I generally look in at the Confectioner's in the afternoon, and invariably wind up with a good Supper. What do you think of that?"
[Disappointed and misunderstood Uncle subsides, and thinks it best to make no comments.]
THE NINTH OF NOVEMBER.
The Lord Mayor's Show, I saw it from the Strand, I stood and waited there an hour or so, Till from afar there came with blare of band The Lord Mayor's Show. In civic splendour and with footstep slow Passed the procession, glorious and grand! I liked the soldiers well enough, although The men from Deal looked quite at home on land. Yet I confess that when I came to go, I said that once a year's enough to stand The Lord Mayor's Show.
"The Black Art" Revived!—"The best specimen of the Black Art," quoth the Baron de B. W., "that I have lately seen, is the republication of the works of the Wizard of the North, alias Sir Walter Scott, Bart., in a series of substantial library-shelve-ish volumes, printed in good clear type."
Q. E. D.
Don't tell me of "room at the top!" It's a case, I'm sure, of "no thoroughfare." I'm at the base! Does that not suffice you? There only remains Some "room at the top" of your head, man, for brains.
A Dickensian Question.—At the date when Martin Chuzzlewit was written, what may fairly be assumed to have been the fashionable hour for dining?