Volume 104 — VERY CIVIL LAW.

(With Mr. Punch's Compliments to the London County Council.)

Scene—The Interior of the Court under the Patronage of the London County Council. Judge, appointed according to the popular view, discovered in the act of passing sentence.

Judge. Prisoner in the dock, or I should say, my good friend—for are we not all liable to err?—I have no wish to increase the natural embarrassment of your position. I am here, as you know, to dispense judgment. This I tell you judicially. I am, when I make this statement, merely the mouthpiece of the Law. In my private capacity, I am deeply sorry for you.

Prisoner (much affected). Thank you kindly, Sir.

Judge. My dear friend, I feel for your misfortunes. I make every allowance for them. By the Statute under whose provisions both of us are here, I notice that I have the power to sentence you to seven years' penal servitude.

Prisoner (startled). Seven years! But you ain't going to do it?

Judge. My dear friend, I will do nothing that is unjust.

Prisoner (angrily). You'd better not, or you'll 'ear of it again!

Judge. I hope, I do hope that is not intended as a threat! My object is to treat you courteously, and even considerately, but, as I have already remarked, the Law is, in fact, the Law. Although I represent the London County Council to a very large extent, still I am a Member of the Bar, and, by virtue of my office, a gentleman. Under these circumstances, I shall only be doing my duty—painful as its performance may be—when I sentence you to be kept in penal servitude for seven years.

Prisoner (indignantly). What, seven years! Why, you——

[Scene closes in hurriedly upon a flood of language more forcible than polite. Curtain.

THE GRAND OLD PRINTER.

Several Reports have appeared in the Papers about the Printing of the New Home-Rule Bill by an Old Experienced Hand working in secret.

AN UNDERGROUND SELL.

First Passenger. "They say they've put on Detectives 'ere, to catch Coves as travels without Tickets."

Second Passenger. "'Ave they? Well, all I can say is, I can Travel as often as I like from Cannon Street to Victoria, and not pay a'Apenny!"

Detective. "See Here Mate; I'll give you Half-a-Crown if you tell me how you do it."

Second Passenger (after pocketing the Half-Crown). "Well,—when I wants to git from Cannon Street to Victoria without payin'—I walks!"

"CUT AND COME AGAIN."

The Annual New-Year's Dinner of Anti-Vivisectionists took place yesterday. The following was the menu:— Oysters—eaten alive. Turtle Soup—the Turtle having been exhibited for several days previously in a Confectioner's window. Stewed Eels—chopped up wriggling. Lobsters—-boiled alive. Prawns—ditto ditto. Curried Rabbit—trapped. Pâtés de Foies Gras. Roast Pork—Prize Pig, suffocated at a show. Roast Veal—Calf bled to death to secure an elegant whiteness.

Problem.—- At the stranding-of-the-Howe trial there appeared a Witness, whose official position, it appears, is "Hydrographer of the Navy." What is a hydrographer? clearly, by derivation, "a drawer of water." But a ship also "draws water." Therefore, logically, a Hydrographer is a ship. But a ship is never put into a witness-box, where it would be quite at sea, but in the dock, where it could be quite at home. "Truly," writes our Puzzled Correspondent, "there is a muddle somewhere." Q. E. D.

A Cheerful Investment.—A Laughing-Stock.