Volume 103 — A JUDGE'S LAMENT.
Reading edition
[Q.B.D. = Queen's Bench Division.]
After the labours of Vacation, Ten long weeks with nothing to do, I feel that I need some recreation, I'll sit in Court for a week or two: It's just as well, now and then, To show yourself to the public ken. Ah me! who would be Judge of the High Court, Q B.D.? But it's tiring work to sit on the Bench, Hearing the Counsel, day by day, Canting and ranting, while they clench Their fists, and thump and hammer away: Be their arguments weak or strong, Whatever I say I'm in the wrong. Ah me! who would be, A badgered Judge of the Q.B.D.? Whenever I crack a judicial jest, Witnesses, jurors, suitors smile, They quite understand I do my best, A wearisome action to beguile: "Silks" and "Juniors" seem to force, A jeering laugh as a matter of course. Ah me! who would be, A jocular Judge of the Q.B.D.? The public, solicitors, counsel, frown And grumble and growl at the law's delay; I'm never allowed to stop in town, Off on Circuit I'm hurried away: Election Petitions I'm made to judge, On Irish Commissions I have to drudge. Ah me! who would be, A toiling Judge of the Q.B.D.? To a cause célèbre I don't object, Leaders of fashion around me sit, My robes and ermine command respect, I rather fancy I'm making a hit: I feel there's a chance of getting, who knows? Into Vanity Fair or Madame Tussaud's. Ah me! who would not be, A popular Judge of the Q.B.D.? When the Sittings are in full swing, I'm bound, From half past ten till the clock strikes four, In Court or in Chambers to be found, With half an hour for my lunch or more: Summons and motion and cause I hear, I'm only paid, five thousand a-year! Many a man would like to be, Judge of the High Court Q.B.D.
ANTI-TEETOTAL OPERA, "Eugène Onegin" at the Olympic. Will it be followed by Ourjane Twobrandi? and subsequently, by the celebrated Opera, Lotowiski?
Ethel (who has picked up a few sporting phrases, and thinks she can instruct her Governess). "NO, I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM MUMMY, BUT I'VE HEARD FROM POPPA. HE HAS KILLED 137 GROUSE, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHETHER THEY'RE BRACES."
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
"For graphic touch and keen appreciation of humour, for easy conversational narration, give me," quoth the Baron, "the papers now being published in Household Words (most appropriate place for them), written by MONTAGU WILLIAMS, Q.C. and Magistrate." His paper on Ramsgate, telling how he travelled down, who his companions were, is as thoroughly amusing and interesting as his tribute to the health-giving climate of Ramsgate is true. These papers under the comprehensive title of "Round London," are to be republished in book-form by, as I believe, Messrs. MACMILLAN, and assuredly they will be as popular as were the same author's "Leaves" and "Later Leaves." False sentiment, MONTAGU WILLIAMS, as man or magistrate, does not encourage. "Strongly do I recommend his 'Round London,'" says
THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
"THE MORRIS DANCE."—NEW FIGURE.—The Premier Danseur, holding laurel-crown, dances up to WILLIAM MORRIS offering him the laurel-crown. Will MORRIS? MORRIS won't. Premier retires gracefully, and is seen approaching LEWIS MORRIS.
TO SOME AUTHORS.
"How did I like that book?" I gained, From reading it, joy unrestrained; 'Twas perfect—had it but contained An Index! Brilliant, yet also erudite, Profound, in facts, in diction light, Why failed its writer to indite An Index? 'Twas history, on its social side, With stories, good to quote, supplied, Yet how quote anything, denied An Index? A book that "He who reads might run"— MACAULAY, BOSWELL, GREEN, in one! Its Printer, too—what made him shun An Index? I missed a date, harked back. "A fad!" You'll say? Perhaps. It made me mad. My hunt was vain, because, it had No Index. O Authors of instructive chat, Supply this want when next you're at A book! "Bis dat qui citò dat," An Index.
OUR NEW EXAM.
Answer any three of the following five questions:—
I. (a.) What is a cassowary? (b.) Does its internal construction render it capable of anthropophagy? (c.) Describe its habits, nature and food, and draw an outline sketch of its skeleton.
II. (a.) Give the latitude and longitude of Timbuctoo. (b.) State the number and religious belief of its inhabitants. (c.) Discuss its natural advantages; (i.), as a port, and (ii.) as a centre for missionary enterprise.
III. (a.) Is a missionary best when served (i.) au naturel; (ii.) à la maître d'hôtel, or, (iii.) aux petîtes livrettes de psaumes? Discuss the advantages of each method of preparation; (b.) Quote any advice given by (i.) LUCULLUS, or (ii.) EPICURUS on this subject.
IV. What version of the Prayer-book is in use amongst the natives of Central Africa?
V. Discuss the authorship of the poem entitled Timbuctoo, and adduce any reasons for believing JULIUS CÆSAR to have written it.
THE OTHER PAPER.—MR. NEWNES is bringing out a rival to the Pall Mall Gazette, Is it to be published before the P.M.G., or later in the day? If the first, its title might be The Noon's Paper; if the latter, The After-Newnes Paper. Whichever you like, my little dear! Mr. N. pays his money and takes his choice. Anyhow, "NEWNES' Paper" is a marketable commodity.
THE HUNTING SEASON. THE MEET.
THE STEPNEY THAT COSTS.
["The circumstances will indeed have to be very remarkable to take two Judges into Stepney."—Baron Pollock, re Stepney Election Petition, Oct. 26.]
I chanced to meet a man the other day, Whose store of legal knowledge was amazing, He stormed at me in quite the stormiest way, With, fiery indignation simply blazing. I wondered if he'd lost his (legal) hair (Forgive the phrase) against a demi-rep? Nay! They'd really ventured to presume to dare To ask a Judge or two to go to Stepney! Now if it had been merely Peekham Rye, They would have gone at once, and gone right gladly. Then Brondesbury, Barnet—New or High,— Or Shepherd's Bush would not have done so badly. Penge would have brought the Crystal Palace near, And Kensington's Olympia made their soul burn, They'd have enjoyed the jaunt to Greenwich Pier, And Heaven had been synonymous with Holborn. Oh! had it been Soho or Maida Vale It would have been of course another story. A Delightful trip to Euston could not fail To please as much as Broad Street or Victoria. Belgravia would have suited very well, They could have done with Balham, Bow, or Brixton, With Flower-laden Battersea. But tell Me if you can—oh! why was Stepney fixt on?