Volume 103 — ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.

House of Commons, Monday, Aug. 8.—Think I mentioned, just before Prorogation, how DUNBAR BARTON, offended at disregard paid to his warnings by Ministers, protested that he would never speak again, and should thenceforth be known as DUM BARTON. Finding him to-night figged out, prepared to move Address, reminded him of the incident.

Asquith, Q.C.

"Quite so, TOBY," he said; "you're perfectly right. I never did speak again in that House. This is a different thing. Besides, I'm not going to make a speech, but to read a paper."

Rather quibbling this; but temptation to accept invitation to move Address at opening of new Session understood to be irresistible. Believe I'm the only Member who ever begged to be excused. W.H. CROSS seconded Address; speech much mystified House; remains to this day disputed point whether he meant to be funny, or was merely maladroit. Fancy he really meant it. GRAND CROSS in Peers' Gallery, looking on with fond affection. Life been for him, of late, a troubled sheet of water. His counsel about not dissolving Parliament till very last moment, over-ruled; consequence is, Government are going out; how India is to get on without him, GRAND CROSS really doesn't know. Situation not soothed by reprehensible frivolity of Prince ARTHUR. Meeting GRAND CROSS just now, moodily crossing Corridor, Prince said,—"Well, we're not the only parties changing places. I see, from the newspapers, that the planet Mars has already gone into Opposition."

GRAND CROSS severely shook his head. There are some things too sacred for a joke; his leaving the India Office is one. Moreover, not free from certain jealousy in the matter. Fact is, been, so to speak, "on the joke" himself. Modest merit, like murder, will out. No use attempting to burke what is open secret. All those funereal jokes in young Cross's speech—his "course of obituary notices" as ASQUITH happily put it—were really GRAND CROSS's. CROSS père composed them in the seclusion of Eccle Riggs, and made them over to his son.

"Would never do, WILLIAM HENRY, for a man in my position to publicly make a joke. I am not sure how it befits the Junior Counsel for England in the Behring Sea Arbitration. But we must risk that. There they are," he said, handing him a packet of manuscript in a black-edged envelope, "and may a father's blessing accompany them."

There was, as I have said, some hesitation on part of House as to how they were to be received. On the whole, went off well. The reference to "the Government, at whose last hours we have now arrived," and the proposal to write their epitaph, brought down the House. GRAND CROSS sitting in Gallery nervously watching result, decidedly encouraged. In larger leisure of Opposition we shall probably have more of these vicarious flashes of latent humour.

OFF TO THE COUNTRY AGAIN.

Business done.—Address moved, met with Vote of No Confidence, submitted by ASQUITH in brilliant speech.

Tuesday.—Imminence of change in Ministry brings into prominence and close proximity what is likely to happen in Ireland when Home Rule is established. Irish Members of all sections on the alert. SAUNDERSON in his war-paint, which assumes shape of luminous white waistcoat. Always know, when the Colonel puts that on, he means business. Made to-night good Derrydown speech punctuated by howls of execration from Irish brethren opposite. That is just what Colonel enjoys; moved him to higher nights of oratory. His lurid picture of ASQUITH, Q.C., "sitting on the lips of Irish volcano," extremely effective. Irish Members cruelly and effectually retorted by putting up REDMOND JUNIOR to reply. Colonel gallantly smiled, but it was a gashly effort. Device evidently effective. REDMOND did admirably; nothing could have been better than his grave remark, to presumably alarmed House, that, having for seven years sat opposite Colonel, he was able to assure them that he was "perfectly harmless—perfectly harmless."

Honest John Burns.

"Now that," said ASHBOURNE, in London just now winding up his ministerial affairs, "is the cruellest thing I ever heard said of SAUNDERSON."

Later, more serious evidence of seething condition of feeling in Ulster brought under notice of House. Ross, Q.C., was returned at General Election, in place of CHARLES LEWIS—a character useful as a study for young Members, showing how a man of considerable ability, and distinct Parliamentary aptitude, may prove a hopeless failure. Ross born and brought up in Derry; accustomed to controversial practices. Familiar from boyhood with the concrete form dialectics are apt to take when indulged in beyond space of half an hour. "If they mean business," Ross said confidentially to Honest JOHN BURNS, "they'll find the Derry Boy in it."

So, before coming down to House, he carefully filled his trouser-pocket with convenient-sized paving-stones. When he got up just now, House stared with amazement at curious appearance presented by the Orator. Ross, pleased with attention created, threw back his coat, placed hands on hips, stiffened his legs, and made the most of the paving-stones. Members opposite whispered, and tittered.

"Let them laugh that win," said Ross. "In case of a row, a paving-stone in trouser-pocket is worth a Krupp's Battery in the bush."

So it proved. Prevention better than cure. Nobody threw anything at New Member for Derry, and, when he had concluded successful Maiden Speech, went out and emptied his amazing pockets into his locker.

"I'll save 'em up for a rainy day, as the man said when he pawned his landlord's umbrella," was Mr. Ross's remark as he hurried off home, at least a quarter of a hundredweight lighter.

Business done.—More debate on Address.

Thursday.—Splendid House; full from floor to topmost tier of seats in Strangers' Galleries. The last scene in history of Government. All the Actors on. Boxes full; Stalls full; Pit full. Contrary to LORD CHAMBERLAIN's regulations, chairs placed in gangways. Great rush for these, as affording novel position. MATHERS, who got front seat, says it was very nice, but not without compensating disadvantage. "Expected every minute, you know, the man coming round for your penny, as they do in the Parks."

CHAMBERLAIN had first call; greatly cheered by Conservatives when he stood before footlights. Little bit of farce to begin with. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS rose with JOSEPH. Submitted as point of order that, in Moving Adjournment on Tuesday night, JOSEPH had exhausted his right to speak. House howled. Just as if, Lyceum crowded to see IRVING play Charles the First, JOHNNIE TOOLE came before Curtain and explained that, as CHARLES THE FIRST was indubitably beheaded some hundreds of years ago, IRVING would be out of order in appearing to-night. Very well done, and added something to interest of moment. But unnecessary. JOSEPH equal to occasion without adventitious aid.

Don't Keir-Hardie, M.P. for 'Am.

A fine speech, equal to the magnificent audience. Even DON'T KEIR-HARDIE took off his cap to listen. JOSEPH never better with his quick sharp thrust, his lunging blow, and his apt tripping up. As usual, best where speech broken in upon with rude interruption. Note the incident when launched upon his peroration, carefully prepared and perilously adventured upon. House not passionately fond of perorations. Will suffer them only from Mr. G. and one or two others. CHAMBERLAIN rarely rises to peroration point. To-night a great occasion. Solemn enough even for peroration. Rising with its swelling tide, he came to ask "the wisest and the most sensible among you to consider the situation." Standing at the moment with face turned to Liberals above Gangway; from Irish camp behind his back rose shouts of ironical cheers and noisy laughter, "Boo-oo!" CHAMBERLAIN stopped perforce, and with scornful gesture of thumb over his shoulder at mob behind, said, "Yes, to the others I do not speak;" then went on and finished his sentence.

"A great day this, for JOSEPH," I said after, to SQUIRE OF MALWOOD.

"Ah," said. THE PERSONAGE, meditatively stroking a chin made for Cabinets. "Yes, he's very important; he reminds me of a story I heard when I was in Scotland. There was a funeral going on in a quiet street in Glasgow. Among the company present was observed a man whom nobody seemed to know, but who was bustling about as if he were in charge of most things. At last the undertaker, jealous of his own position, suggested he had better take a back seat. 'Losh man!' cried the Unknown, his eyes blazing with indignation, 'I'm brither to the corpp.' Dissentient Liberalism is dead; but JOE is brither to the corpp, and we must bear with him a little."

That's all very well; but they haven't done with JOSEPH yet. There may come times of distress and famine when he will be heard of from Egypt.

Business done.—The Government's. Wound up by a majority of 40 in turbulent House of 660 Members.

OVIDIUS REMARK.

ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

Ovid quite at Tomi. Tomi not quite at Tomi at Ovid.

(From a confirmed Tea-Drinker, who, suffering from Gout, has been forbidden his favourite beverage.)

DEAR TOPER,—Alas, no more of "The generous" for some time to come, and, what afflicts me most is, I am cut off from my Tea! "What, no soap! So he died." Substitute "Tea" for "Soap," and there I am. My boy TOMMY, who is at home for the holidays, reminds me of what OVID said at Tomi, not to TOMMY, as they were not contemporaries, "Nec tecum vivere possum, nec sine te." For "te" read "tea," and that's my case to a T.

Θαττς 'Ουτις.

Goughty Street, Old Portman Square.

LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.—Dear Mr. Punch,—And now for another glance at Racing. Next week we have meetings at Stockton and Wolverhampton, and the most important race is the Stockton Handicap, for which I will append my usual poetic selection:—

Stockton Handicap Selection.

This will rejoice the hearts of my followers, who have been "selectionless" for some weeks, and have therefore been unable to bet, unless they have accepted the absolutely unreliable information given by all the other sporting writers, but never by, yours truly,

LADY GAY. Nash Hotel, Bournemouth.

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