Volume 102 — "BEYOND THE DREAMS OF AVARICE."
Reading edition
["FIFTY POUNDS Reward will be gratefully paid to any Lady or Gentleman who will ASSIST in RECOVERING a valuable HEIRLOOM.... Anyone with wealthy or influential friends can at once secure above reward. Address, &c."]
I am an impecunious young man, and, the other day, on seeing this Advertisement in the Times, I was seized with a wild desire to "at once secure above reward." Said I to myself, "I have 'wealthy and influential friends.' There is my cousin's uncle, who has, I believe, thirty thousand a-year, though I never saw any part of it, or of him, for the matter of that; and there is my own aunt by marriage, whose second husband is a K.C.B., but I forget his name, and do not know where he lives." So I sat and thought about it for a time with my eyes shut, and then I started. The train was so full, that I imagined it must be market-day in some neighbouring town, but the station was so much fuller, that I could hardly get out of the train. At last, edgeways, I reached a pale and melancholy ticket-collector, and asked him where I should find the address mentioned. He turned a pitying eye upon me, and, pointing to the crowd that filled the station, said, wearily, "They're all a-goin' there. I know, cos they've all arst me. You'd better foller 'em."
This statement filled me with desperation; I fought and struggled through the vast crowd of persons "with wealthy and influential friends" until I reached the open street. By that time I was exhausted, and, finding that the street was even fuller than the station had been, I gave up the attempt. I saw that the reserve of gold at the Bank of England would not have sufficed to pay each applicant the promised £50. In any case I felt sure that by that time the whole of the money in the town must have been used up. So, without hat or umbrella, and with my coat as much divided up the back as up the front, I returned—to consciousness, and went on reading the newspaper.
"THE FORESTERS."
All the greatest swells Of the U.S.A. Come to see a new, Fascinating play. Verses by a Lord! Music by a Knight! Just the thing in which Democrats delight. When the hearty praise Bursts from Yankee lips, "Pass and blush the news Over glowing ships;" What are "glowing ships"? That I've never guessed, "Pass the happy news, Blush it thro' the West;" This I simply quote From the poet's muse; Hang me if I know How you "blush the news"! Anyhow, you do, If the lines will scan, "Till the red man dance," Do you think he can? "And the red man's babe Leap beyond the sea." Active sort of child, Surely, that must be! "Blush from West to East," Blush from left to right, "Till the West is East," And the black is white, DALY is the man! Daily is the play, "Dailies" puff it up, In the kindest way.
MORE APPROPRIATE.—The Senate House, where the Degree Examinations take place, might well be termed "The Spinning House." It is there that unfortunate Candidates are "spun."
THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.
Little Jones. "YOU'LL GIVE ME A DANCE TO-MORROW NIGHT, WON'T YOU, MRS. FOOTE?"
Mrs. Foote (who is anxious to show her matronly consideration for Unmarried Girls). "WELL, I CAN'T PROMISE, AND IF THE MEN RUN SHORT, YOU KNOW, I SHAN'T DANCE AT ALL!"