Volume 101 — "ENTERTAINMENT."
Reading edition
["People of this high class (Royal Highnesses, &c.) are said to 'entertain' visitors, but that is an inversion of the actual fact; their object is to be entertained. And quite right too. Nothing can surely be more delightful than to have one's house full of friends at will, and then be able to turn them out at a moment's notice (as a life-boat gets rid of superfluous water) by that simple mechanism of a Chamberlain. When the Social System attains its acmé, all of us will have a Chamberlain and be entertained."—JAMES PAYN.]
Host (concerning Guest):—
The twenty-first day, and no signs of a budge!— And it isn't for want of "suggestion." I begin to suspect Hospitality's fudge, Meaning—mutually ruined digestion! He is such a bore, and his wife is so fat, And as fond of her bed as a dormouse. My girls say—in confidence—she is a cat; I'm sure he's a prig and a poor-mouse. I fancied he'd "influence," which he might use For DICK, our third son, who's a duffer. It doesn't come off, and I really refuse In DICK's interests longer to suffer. PAYN's right, and a Chamberlain would be a boon. Ah! I know so precisely what PAYN meant. What! Be entertained—by one's guests? I'd as soon From a locust-swarm seek—Entertainment!
Guest (concerning Host):—
Hah! He wants to get rid of us, currish old cub! But, although it's by no means amusing, My only alternative now is the Club. Confound Mrs. JONES for refusing McMUNGO's "invite" into Scotland. She thought This crib was as swell, and more cosy. She hoped, too, to meet that young MAGNUS MCNAUGHT, Who once seemed so sweet on our ROSIE. We're bored to extinction, and BLOGGS is a "foots"; If we're late down to breakfast, he snorts at us. He worries our lives out with pic-nics and shoots, And will flourish his Clarets and Ports at us. My wife likes her ease and her breakfast in bed; I hate cellar-swagger and scurry. Entertainment indeed! We're as lumpish as lead When we're not on the whirl or the worry. But turn out to-morrow, my BLOGGS? No, not me, Though I know what your "little hints" signify. Your "dear DICK" forsooth! Such a noodle as he The title of "duffer" would dignify You've given up hope about him, and so now You would have us "make room." Not precisely! Till the Tenth, when we're due at Dunclacket, somehow "The Doldrums" will do pretty nicely. PAYN's right. With "high rank and no manners," a man His guests may "evict" at his pleasure; But BLOGGS—till he hits on some "Chamberlain" plan— Must leave 'em to flit at their leisure. I made up my mind when I came to this place; For a month, at the least, to remain meant. Though now my amusement at BLOGGS's wry face Is nearly my sole "Entertainment."
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