Volume 101 — THE GUZZLING CURE.
Reading edition
[Sir DYCE DUCKWORTH, in a letter written to a Vegetarian Correspondent, says, "I believe in the value of animal food and alcoholic drinks for the best interests of man. The abuse or misuse of either is another matter."]
O plump Head-waiter, I have read What worthy DUCKWORTH writes! And that is why I've swiftly sped To where your door invites. I kept my indigestion down Of old, by sheer starvation; But now no longer shall I frown On food assimilation. I pledge him in your oldest port, This medical adviser, For vainly elsewhere might be sought A cheerier or a wiser, He bids me speedily return To ordinary diet— A sage prescription!—and I burn To chance results, and try it! I've lived on air; on food for Lent; On what some Doctor calls "Nitrogenous environment"— A fare that quickly palls. I'll eat the chops I once did eat; All care and thought I banish; And with this unexpected treat My old dyspeptics vanish. What though they warn me that at first— It may be merely fancy— The stomach's sure to try its worst In base recalcitrancy? When half-starved gastric juice is set To cope with dainty dishes, The outcome—one may safely bet— Won't be just what one wishes. This earth is rich in chemists' shops, With doctors it abounds, Who, if I feel the change from slops, Will take me on their rounds. So, scorning indigestive ache, I count each anxious minute; Oh, waiter, hurry up that steak! My happiness is in it.