Volume 100 — THE HERO'S COMMON-FORM DIARY.
Reading edition
January.—Leisurely return to England. Enthusiastic reception en route.
February.—Greeted by Mayor and Corporation with an address at Dover. Triumphant progress to London.
March.—Imposing scene at the Guildhall. Acceptance of the Freedom of the City.
April.—Visits to the provinces. Loud cheers on every side, and unlimited hospitality.
May.—Lion of the London Season. Hundreds of nightly invitations.
June.—Gaiety from morning to night. Universal recognition of distinguished conduct.
July.—Phenomenal success of book of travels and adventures.
August.—Popularity at its height everywhere, save in town, which now begins to empty.
September.—Slight reaction. Rejoinders begin to appear.
October.—Unpleasantness on the increase. Interviewing, letters to the papers, and sensational journalism generally.
November.—Demonstration at the Lord Mayor's Show. Charges, counter-charges, and recrimination. First-rate A1, go-as-you-please, strongly recommended row.
December.—Fresh sensation (about a murder or a charitable scheme) and everything forgotten (if not forgiven) in time to observe a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
HOLIDAY TASKS FOR THE NEW YEAR.
Emperor of R-ss-a.—To personally visit Siberia.
King of It-ly.—To come to terms with the Vatican.
Emperor of G-rm-ny.—To stay at home.
King of P-rtug-l.—To accept the situation in Africa.
President C-rn-t.—To forget the existence of Egypt.
King of Sp-n.—To master the difficulties of the Alphabet.
Emperor of A-str-a.—Between Kingdom and Empire, to make both ends meet.
Lord S-l-sb-ry.—To prepare for the General Election.
Mr. Gl-dst-ne.—To explain Home Rule.
Lord R. Ch-rch-ll.—To give up racing in favour of politics.
Mr. H.M. St-nl-y.—To re-write Darkest Africa.
General B-th.—To publish a balance-sheet that will please all.
Mr. Sheriff A-g-st-s H-rr-s.—To attend to his professional duties, and get through his official work.
And Mr. P-nch.—To bear as gaily as ever the weight of half a century.
SUGGESTION FOB MR. W.B. AT THE T.R.O.—Should Mr. WILSON BARRETT contemplate giving another Matinée of that out-of-date play, The Lady of Lyons, why not change its title to The Old Lady of Lyons? No extra charge for this suggestion.
GENUINE ORANGE BITTERS.—Police Protection to TIM HEALY.
