Volume 150 — LYRA DOMESTICA.
Reading edition
Dear Mr. Punch,—I cordially welcome your efforts to extend the horizon of Nursery Rhymes. At the same time it has always seemed to me rather unfair that one room in the house, though I readily acknowledge its importance, should practically monopolise the attention of our domestic poets. If Nursery Rhymes, why not Dining-room, Drawing-room and Kitchen Rhymes? I am convinced that they could be made just as instructive, didactic and helpful. Hence, to make a beginning, I venture to submit the following specimens of prudential and cautionary Dining-room Rhymes. Should they meet with approval I propose to deal with other apartments in the same spirit, excepting perhaps the Box-room, which does not seem to me to offer facilities for lyrical treatment.
Preliminary.
If desirous of succeeding In the noble art of feeding With dignity and breeding of a Jove, You will find all information For your proper education In the admirable works of Lady Grove.
Of Porridge.
Eat your porridge standing If you are a Scot; To be frank it's only rank Swank if you are not.
Of the Use of the Knife.
Unless you wish to shorten your life Don't eat your peas or your cheese with a knife, Like greedy Jim, who cut his tongue And died unseasonably young.
Of Disguised Dishes.
Be alert to scrutinize Food in unfamiliar guise. Death may lurk within the pot If you eat the papillote.
Of the Virtues of Silence.
Jack and Tom were two pretty boys; But Jack ate his soup with a horrible noise, While Tom was a silent eater. Now Jack is a poor insurance tout, While Tom drives splendidly about In a Limousine seven-seater.
Of a Forbidden Word.
No one mentioned in Debrett Talks about a "serviette."
Of Timely and Untimely Mirth.
Be cheerful at lunch and at dinner, Be cheerful at five-o'clock tea; But only a social beginner At breakfast indulges in glee.
Of Punctuality.
Late for breakfast shows your sense, Late for luncheon no offence; Late for well-cooked well-served dinner Proves you fool as well as sinner.
With much respect, I am, dear Mr. Punch, Yours devotedly, A. Dampier Squibb.