Volume 146 — THE QUALITIES THAT COUNT.
Reading edition
(Suggested by a recent vindication of the "right but ruffling attitude" of the new and true artist.)
If you're anxious to acquire a reputation For enlightened and emancipated views, You must hold it as a duty to discard the cult of Beauty And discourage all endeavours to amuse. You must back the man who, obloquy enduring, Subconsciousness determines to express; Who, in short, is "elemental," "unalluring," But "arresting" in his Art—or in his dress. Again, if you're desirous of attaining Pre-eminence in places where they play, Don't supply the smallest spoonful of the pleasing or the tuneful Or you'll chuck your very finest chance away. But be truculent, ferocious and ungentle And the critics will infallibly acclaim Your work as unalluring, elemental But arresting and exalted in its aim. Or is your cup habitually brimming With water from the Heliconian fount? Then remember the hubristic, the profane and pugilistic Are the only kinds of poetry that count. So select a tragic argument, ensuring The maximum expenditure of gore, And the epithets arresting, unalluring, Elemental, will re-echo as before. But if your bent propels you into fiction, You should clearly and completely understand That your duty in a novel is not to soar, but grovel, If you want it to be profitably banned. So be lavish and effusive in suggesting A malignant and mephitic atmosphere, And you're sure to be applauded as arresting, Elemental, unalluring and sincere. If you meditate a matrimonial venture That will turn the cheek of Mrs. Grundy pale, Don't be lured by pretty faces or by dainty airs and graces That entrap the unsophisticated male. No, look out for what is vital, transcendental, And ask yourself, before you choose your wife, "Is she wholly unalluring, elemental But arresting in her attitude to life?" In fine if you believe in self-expression And disdain to be a law-abiding man, You must cultivate a hobby of insulting ev'ry bobby Whenever you conveniently can. You'll find him quite impervious to jesting, But he has another less attractive side, Elemental, unalluring and arresting When his patience is intolerably tried.