PRINCIPLES OF POLITENESS, &c. (continued 2)

28. Keep yourself free likewise from odd tricks or habits, such as thrusting out your tongue continually, 71snapping your fingers, rubbing your hands, sighing aloud, an affected shivering of your whole body, gaping with a noise like a country-fellow that has been sleeping in a hay-loft, or indeed with any noise, and many others, which I have noticed before; these are imitations of the manners of the mob, and are degrading to a gentleman.

A very little attention will get the better of all these ill-bred habits, and be assured, you will find your account in it.

EMPLOYMENT of TIME.

Employment of time, is a subject, that from its importance, deserves your best attention. Most young gentlemen have a great deal of time before them, and one hour well employed, in the early part of life, is more valuable and will be of greater use to you, than perhaps four and twenty, some years to come.

Whatever time you can steal from company, and from the study of the world; (I say company, for a knowledge of life is best learned in various companies) employ it in serious reading. Take up some valuable book, and continue the reading of that book, till you have got through it; never burden your mind with more than one thing at a time: And in reading this book don’t run over it superficially, but read every passage twice over, at least do not pass on to a second till 72you thoroughly understand the first, nor quit the book till you are master of the subject; for unless you do this, you may read it through, and not remember the contents of it for a week. The books I would particularly recommend, among others, are, Cardinal Retz’s Maxims, Rochfaucault’s Moral Reflections, Bruyere’s Characters, Fontenell’s Plurality of Worlds, Sir Josiah Child on Trade, Bolingbroke’s Works; for style, his Remarks on the History of England, under the name of Sir John Oldcastle; Puffendorf’s Jus Gentium, and Grotius’ de Jure Belli et Pacis: The last two are well translated by Barboyrac. For occasional half-hours or less, read the best works of invention, wit and humour; but never waste your minutes on trifling authors, either ancient or modern.

Any business you may have to transact, should be done the first opportunity, and finished, if possible without interruption; for by deferring it, we may probably finish it too late, or execute it indifferently. Now, business of any kind should never be done by halves, but every part of it should be well attended to: For he that does business ill, had better not do it at all. And, in any point, which discretion bids you pursue, and which has a manifest utility to recommend it, let no difficulties deter you; rather let them animate your industry. If one method fails, try a second and a third. Be active, persevere and you will certainly conquer.

73Never indulge a lazy disposition; there are few things but are attended with some difficulties, and if you are frightened at those difficulties, you will not compleat any thing. Indolent minds prefer ignorance to trouble; they look upon most things as impossible, because perhaps they are difficult. Even an hour’s attention is too laborious for them, and they would rather content themselves with the first view of things, than take the trouble to look any farther into them. Thus, when they come to talk upon subjects to those who have studied them, they betray an unpardonable ignorance, and lay themselves open to answers that confuse them. Be careful then, that you do not get the appellation of indolent; and, if possible, avoid the character of frivolous. For,

The frivolous mind is always busied upon nothing. It mistakes trifling objects for important ones, and spends that time upon little matters, that should only be bestowed upon great ones. Knick-knacks, butterflies, shells, and such like, engross the attention of the frivolous man, and fill up all his time. He studies the dress and not the characters of men, and his subjects of conversation are no other than the weather, his own domestic affairs, his servants, his method of managing his family, the little anecdotes of the neighbourhood, and the fiddle-faddle stories of the day; void of information, void of improvement. These he relates with emphasis, as interesting matters; in short, he is a male gossip, I appeal to your own feelings now, 74whether such things do not lessen a man, in the opinion of his acquaintance, and instead of attracting esteem, create disgust.

DIGNITY of MANNERS.

There is a certain dignity of manners, without which the very best characters will not be valued.

Romping, loud and frequent laughing, punning, joking, mimickry, waggery, and too great and indiscriminate familiarity, will render any one contemptible, in spite of all his knowledge or his merit. These may constitute a merry fellow, but a merry fellow was never yet respectable. Indiscriminate familiarity, will either offend your superiors, or make you pass for their dependant, or toad-eater, and it will put your inferiors on a degree of equality with you, that may be troublesome.

A joke, if it carries a sting along with it, is no longer a joke but an affront; and even if it has no sting, unless its witticism is delicate and facetious, instead of giving pleasure, it will disgust; or, if the company should laugh, they will probably laugh at the jester rather than the jest.

Punning is a mere playing upon words, and far from being a mark of sense: Thus, were we to say, such a dress is commodious, one of these wags would answer odious; or, that, whatever it has been, it is 75now be commodious. Others will give us an answer different from what we should expect, without either wit, or the least beauty of thought; as, ‘Where’s my Lord?’—‘In his clothes, unless he is in bed.’—‘How does this wine taste?’—‘A little moist, I think.’—‘How is this to be eaten?’—‘With your mouth;’ and so on, all which (you will readily apprehend) are low and vulgar. If your witticisms are not instantly approved by the laugh of the company, for heaven’s sake, don’t attempt to be witty for the future; for you may take it for granted, the defect is in yourself, and not in your hearers.

As to a mimick or a wag, he is little else than a buffoon, who will distort his mouth and his eyes to make people laugh. Be assured, no one person ever demeaned himself to please the rest, unless he wished to be thought the Merry-Andrew of the company, and whether this character is respectable, I will leave you to judge.

If a man’s company is coveted on any other account than his knowledge, his good sense, or his manners, he is seldom respected by those who invite him, but made use of only to entertain. ‘Let’s have such-a-one, for he sings a good song, or he is always joking or laughing;’ or ‘Let’s send for such-a-one, for he is a good bottle companion;’ these are degrading distinctions, that preclude all respect and esteem. Whoever is had (as the phrase is) for the sake of any qualification 76singly, is merely that thing he is had for, is never considered in any other light, and, of course, never properly respected, let his intrinsic merits be what they will.

You may possibly suppose this dignity of manners to border upon pride; but it differs as much from pride, as true courage from blustering.

To flatter a person right or wrong, is abject flattery, and to consent readily to do every thing proposed by a company, be it silly or criminal, is full as degrading, as to dispute warmly upon every subject, and to contradict upon all occasions. To preserve dignity, we should modestly assert our own sentiments, though we politely acquiesce in those of others.

So again, to support dignity of character, we should neither be frivolously curious about trifles, nor be laboriously intent upon little objects that deserve not a moment’s attention; for this implies an incapacity in matters of greater importance.

A great deal likewise depends upon our air, address and expressions; an awkward address and vulgar expressions infer either a low turn of mind, or low education.

Insolent contempt, or low envy, is incompatible also with dignity of manners. Low-bred persons, fortunately lifted in the world in fine clothes and fine equipages, will insolently look down on all those who 77cannot afford to make as good an appearance, and they openly envy those who perhaps make a better. They also dread the being slighted; of course, are suspicious and captious; are uneasy themselves, and make every body else so about them.

A certain degree of outward seriousness in looks and actions gives dignity, while a constant smirk upon the face (that insipid silly smile, which fools have when they would be civil) and whiffling motions, are strong marks of futility.

But above all a dignity of character is to be acquired best by a certain firmness in all our actions. A mean, timid and passive complaisance, lets a man down more than he is aware of; but still his firmness and resolution should not extend to brutality, but be accompanied with a peculiar and engaging softness, or mildness.

If you discover any hastiness in your temper, and find it apt to break out into rough and unguarded expressions, watch it narrowly, and endeavour to curb it; but let no complaisance, no weak desire of pleasing, no wheedling, urge you to do that which discretion forbids; but persist and persevere in all that is right. In your connexions and friendships, you will find this rule of use to you. Invite and preserve attachments by your firmness; but labour to keep clear of enemies by a mildness of behaviour. Disarm those enemies you may unfortunately have (and few are without them) by a gentleness of manner, but make 78them feel the steadiness of your just resentment! For there is a wide difference between bearing malice and a determined self-defence; the one is imperious, but the other is prudent and justifiable.

In directing your servants, or any person you have a right to command; if you deliver your orders mildly, and in that engaging manner which every gentleman should study to do, you would be cheerfully, and consequently, well obeyed; but if tyrannically, you would be very unwillingly served, if served at all. A cool, steady determination should shew that you will be obeyed, but a gentleness in the manner of enforcing that obedience should make your service a cheerful one. Thus will you be loved without being despised, and feared without being hated.

I hope I need not mention vices. A man who has patiently been kicked out of company, may have as good a pretence to courage, as one rendered infamous by his vices, may to dignity of any kind; however, of such consequence are appearances, that an outward decency and an affected dignity of manners will even keep such a man the longer from sinking. If therefore you should unfortunately have no intrinsic merit of your own, keep up, if possible, the appearance of it; and the world will possibly give you credit for the rest. A versatility of manners is as necessary in social life, as a versatility of parts in political. This is no way blamable, if not used with an ill design. We must, like the cameleon, often put on the hue of 79persons we wish to be well with; and it surely can never be blamable, to endeavour to gain the good will or affection of any one, if when obtained, we do not mean to abuse it.

RULES for CONVERSATION.

Having now given you full and sufficient instructions for making you well received in the best companies; nothing remains but that I lay before you some few rules for your conduct in such company. Many things on this subject I have mentioned before, but some few matters remain to be mentioned now.

1. Talk, then, frequently but not long together, lest you tire the persons you are speaking to; for few persons talk so well upon a subject, as to keep up the attention of their hearers for any length of time.

2. Avoid telling stories in company, unless they are very short indeed, and very applicable to the subject you are upon; in this case relate them in as few words as possible, without the least digression, and with some apology; as that you hate the telling of stories, but the shortness of it induced you. And, if your story has any wit in it, be particularly careful not to laugh at it yourself. Nothing is more tiresome and disagreeable than a long tedious narrative; it betrays a gossiping disposition, and great want of imagination; and nothing is more ridiculous than to express an approbation of your own story, by a laugh.

803. In relating any thing, keep clear of repetitions, or very hackneyed expressions, such as, says he, or says she. Some people will use these so often, as to take off the hearer’s attention from the story; as, in an organ out of tune, one pipe shall perhaps sound the whole time we are playing, and confuse the piece, so as not to be understood.

4. Digressions, likewise, should be guarded against. A story is always more agreeable without them. Of this kind are, ‘the gentleman I am telling you of, is the son of Sir Thomas,—who lives in Harley street; you must know him—his brother had a horse that won the sweep stakes at the last Newmarket meeting—Zounds! if you don’t know him you know nothing.’ Or, ‘He was an upright tall old gentleman, who wore his own long hair: don’t you recollect him?’ All this is unnecessary; is very tiresome and provoking, and would be an excuse for a man’s behaviour, if he was to leave us in the midst of our narrative.

5. Some people have a trick of holding the persons they are speaking to by the button, or the hand, in order to be heard out; conscious, I suppose, that their tale is tiresome. Pray, never do this; if the person you speak to is not as willing to hear your story, as you are to tell it, you had much better break off in the middle; for if you tire them once, they will be afraid to listen to you a second time.

6. Others have a way of punching the person they 81are talking to, in the side, and at the end of every sentence, asking him some such questions as the following: ‘Wasn’t I right in that?’—‘You know, I told you so?’—‘What’s your opinion?’ and the like; or perhaps they will be thrusting him, or jogging him with their elbow. For mercy’s sake, never give way to this; it will make your company dreaded.

7. Long talkers are frequently apt to single out some unfortunate man present, generally the most silent one of the company, or probably him who sits next to him. To this man, in a kind of half-whisper they will run on for half an hour together. Nothing can be more ill-bred. But if one of these unmerciful talkers should attack you, if you wish to oblige him, I would recommend the hearing him with patience: Seem to do so at least, for you could not hurt him more than to leave him in the middle of his story, or discover any impatience in the course of it.

8. Incessant talkers are very disagreeable companions. Nothing can be more rude than to engross the conversation to yourself, or to take the words as it were, out of another man’s mouth. Every man in company has an equal claim to bear his part in the conversation, and to deprive him of it, is not only unjust, but a tacit declaration that he cannot speak so well upon the subject as yourself; you will therefore take it up: And, what can be more rude? I would as soon forgive a man that should stop my mouth when I was 82gaping, as take my words from me while I was speaking them. Now, if this be unpardonable, it cannot be less so

9. To help out or forestal the slow speaker, as if you alone were rich in expressions, and he were poor. You may take it for granted, every one is vain enough to think he can talk well, though he may modestly deny it; helping a person therefore out in his expressions, is a correction that will stamp the corrector with impudence and ill manners.

10. Those who contradict others upon all occasions, and make every assertion a matter of dispute, betray by this behaviour an unacquaintance with good-breeding. He therefore who wishes to appear amiable, with those he converses with, will be cautious of such expressions as these, ‘That can’t be true, Sir.’ ‘The affair is as I say.’ ‘That must be false, Sir.’ ‘If what you say is true, &c.’ You may as well tell a man he lies at once, as thus indirectly impeach his veracity. It is equally as rude to be proving every trifling assertion with a bet or a wager. ‘I’ll bet you fifty of it, and so on.’ Make it then a constant rule, in matters of no great importance, complaisantly to submit your opinion to that of others; for a victory of this kind often costs a man the loss of a friend.

11. Giving advice unasked, is another piece of rudeness; it is, in effect, declaring ourselves wiser than those to whom we give it; reproaching them with ignorance 83and inexperience. It is a freedom that ought not to be taken with any common acquaintance, and yet there are those, who will be offended, if their advice is not taken. ‘Such-a-one,’ say they, ‘is above being advised.’ ‘He scorns to listen to my advice;’ as if it were not a mark of greater arrogance to expect every one to submit to their opinion, than for a man sometimes to follow his own.

12. There is nothing so unpardonably rude as a seeming inattention to the person who is speaking to you; though you may meet with it in others, by all means, avoid it yourself. Some ill-bred people, while others are speaking to them, will, instead of looking at, or attending to them, perhaps fix their eyes on the ceiling, or some picture in the room, look out of a window, play with a dog, their watch chain, or their cane, or probably pick their nails or their noses. Nothing betrays a more trifling mind than this; nor can any thing be a greater affront to the person speaking; it being a tacit declaration, that what he is saying is not worth your attention. Consider with yourself how you would like such treatment, and, I am persuaded you will never shew it to others.

13. Surliness or moroseness is incompatible also with politeness. Such as, should any one say ‘he was desired to present Mr. Such-a-one’s respects to you,’ to reply, ‘What the devil have I to do with his respects?’ ‘My Lord enquired after you lately, and 84asked how you did,’ to answer, ‘If he wishes to know, let him come and feel my pulse;’ and the like. A good deal of this often is affected; but whether affected or natural, it is always offensive. A man of this stamp will occasionally be laughed at, as an oddity; but in the end will be despised.

14. I should suppose it unnecessary to advise you to adapt your conversation to the company you are in. You would not surely start the same subject, and discourse of it in the same manner with the old and with the young, with an officer, a clergyman, a philosopher, and a woman. No; your good sense will undoubtedly teach you to be serious with the serious, gay with the gay, and to trifle with the triflers.

15. There are certain expressions which are exceedingly rude, and yet there are people of liberal education that sometimes use them; as ‘You don’t understand me, Sir,’ ‘It is not so.’ ‘You mistake.’ ‘You know nothing of the matter, &c.’ Is it not better to say? ‘I believe, I do not express myself so as to be understood.’ ‘Let us consider it again, whether we take it right or not.’ It is much more polite and amiable to make some excuse for another, even in cases where he might justly be blamed, and to represent the mistake as common to both, rather than charge him with insensibility or incomprehension.

16. If anyone should have promised you any thing, and not have fulfilled that promise, it would be very 85unpolite to tell him, he has forfeited his word; or if the same person should have disappointed you, upon any occasion, would it not be better to say, ‘You were probably so much engaged, that you forgot my affair;’ or, ‘Perhaps it slipped your memory;’ rather than, ‘You thought no more about it,’ or ‘you pay very little regard to your word.’ For, expressions of this kind leave a sting behind them. They are a kind of provocation and affront, and very often bring on lasting quarrels.

17. Be careful not to appear dark and mysterious, lest you should be thought suspicious; than which there cannot be a more unamiable character. If you appear mysterious and reserved, others will be truly so with you; and in this case there is an end to improvement, for you will gather no information. Be reserved, but never seem so.

18. There is a fault extremely common with some people, which I would have you to avoid. When their opinion is asked, upon any subject, they will give it with so apparent a diffidence and timidity, that one cannot, without the utmost pain, listen to them; especially if they are known to be men of universal knowledge. ‘Your Lordship will pardon me,’ says one of this stamp, ‘if I should not be able to speak to the case in hand, so well as it might be wished.’—‘I’ll venture to speak of this matter to the best of my poor abilities and dulness of apprehension.’—‘I fear I shall 86expose myself, but in obedience to your Lordship’s commands’—and while they are making these apologies, they interrupt the business and tire the company.

19. Always look people in the face, when you speak to them, otherwise you will be thought conscious of some guilt, besides, you lose the opportunity of reading their countenances, from which you will much better learn the impression your discourse makes upon them than you can possibly do from their words; for words are at the will of every one, but the countenance is frequently involuntary.

20. If in speaking to a person, you are not heard, and should be desired to repeat what you said, do not raise your voice in the repetition, lest you should be thought angry, on being obliged to repeat what you said before; it was probably owing to the hearer’s inattention.

21. One word only, as to swearing. Those who addict themselves to it, and interlard their discourse with oaths, can never be considered as gentlemen; they are generally people of low education, and are unwelcome in what is called good company. It is a vice that has no temptation to plead, but is, in every respect, as vulgar as it is wicked.

22. Never accustom yourself to scandal, nor listen to it; for though it may gratify the malevolence of some people, nine times out of ten, it is attended with 87great disadvantages. The very persons you tell it to, will, on reflection, entertain a mean opinion of you, and it will often bring you into very disagreeable situations. And as there would be no evil speakers, if there were no evil hearers, it is in scandal as in robbery; the receiver is as bad as the thief. Besides, it will lead people to shun your company, supposing that you will speak ill of them to the next acquaintance you meet.

23. Mimickry, the favourite amusement of little minds, has been ever the contempt of great ones. Never give way to it yourself, nor ever encourage it in others; it is the most illiberal of all buffoonery; it is an insult on the person you mimick; and insults, I have often told you, are seldom forgiven.

24. Carefully avoid talking either of your own or other people’s domestic concerns. By doing the one, you will be thought vain; by entering into the other, you will be considered as officious. Talking of yourself is an impertinence to the company; your affairs are nothing to them; besides they cannot be kept too secret. And as to the affairs of others, what are they to you? In talking of matters that no way concern you, you are liable to commit blunders, and should you touch any one in a sore part, you may possibly lose his esteem. Let your conversation, then, in mixed companies, always be general.

25. Jokes, bon-mots, or the little pleasantries of 88one company, will not often bear to be told in another; they are frequently local, and take their rise from certain circumstances, a second company may not be acquainted with; these circumstances, and of course your story, may be misunderstood, or want explaining; and if after you have prefaced it with,—‘I will tell you a good thing;’—the sting should not be immediately perceived, you will appear exceedingly ridiculous, and wish you had not told it. Never then without caution repeat in one place, what you hear in another.

26. In most debates, take up the favourable side of the question; however, let me caution you against being clamorous, that is, never maintain an argument with heat, though you know yourself right; but offer your sentiments modestly and coolly, and if this does not prevail, give it up, and try to change the subject by saying something to this effect—‘I find we shall hardly convince one another, neither is there any necessity to attempt it; so let us talk of something else.’

27. Not that I would have you give up your opinion always; no, assert your own sentiments, and oppose those of others, when wrong; but let your manner and voice be gentle and engaging, and yet no ways affected. If you contradict, do it with, ‘I may be wrong, I won’t be positive, but I really think—I should rather suppose—If I may be permitted to say,’ and close your dispute with good humour, to shew that 89you are neither displeased yourself nor meant to displease the person you dispute with.

28. Acquaint yourself with the character and situations of the company you go into, before you give a loose to your tongue; for, should you enlarge on some virtue, which any one present may notoriously want; or should you condemn some vice, which any of the company may be particularly addicted to, they will be apt to think your reflections pointed and personal, and you will be sure to give offence. This consideration will naturally lead you, not to suppose things said in general, to be leveled at you.

29. Low-bred people, when they happen occasionally to be in good company, imagine themselves to be the subject of every separate conversation. If any part of the company whisper, it is about them; if they laugh, it is at them; and if any thing is said which they do not comprehend, they immediately suppose it is meant of them. This mistake is admirably ridiculed in one of our celebrated comedies, ‘I am sure,’ says Scrub, ‘they were talking of me, for they laughed consumedly.’ Now, a well-bred person never thinks himself disesteemed by the company, or laughed at, unless their reflections are so gross, that he cannot be supposed to mistake them, and his honour obliges him to resent it in a proper manner; however, be assured, gentlemen never laugh at, or ridicule one another, unless they are in joke, or on a footing 90of the greatest intimacy. If such a thing should happen once in an age, from some pert coxcomb, or some flippant woman, it is better to seem not to know it, than to make the least reply.

30. It is a piece of politeness not to interrupt a person in a story, whether you have heard it before or not. Nay, if a well-bred man is asked whether he has heard it; he will answer no, and let the person go on, though he knows it already. Some are fond of telling a story, because they think they tell it well, others pride themselves in being the first teller of it, and others are pleased at being thought entrusted with it. Now, all these persons you would disappoint by answering yes. And, as I have told you before, as the greatest proof of politeness is to make every body happy about you, I would never deprive a person of any secret satisfaction of this sort, in which I could gratify him by a minute’s attention.

31. Be not ashamed of asking questions, if such questions lead to information; always accompany them with some excuse, and you never will be reckoned impertinent. But abrupt questions, without some apology, by all means avoid, as they imply design. There is a way of fishing for facts, which, if done judiciously, will answer every purpose, such as, taking things you wish to know for granted; this will perhaps lead some officious person to set you right. So again, by saying, you have heard so and so, and sometimes seeming to know more than you do, you will often get at 91information, which you would lose by direct questions, as these would put people on their guard, and frequently defeat the very end you aim at.

32. Make it a rule never to reflect on any body of people, for, reflections of this nature create many enemies. There are good and bad of all professions; lawyers, soldiers, parsons, or citizens. They are all men, subject to the same passions, differing only in their manner, according to the way they have been bred up in. For this reason, it is unjust, as well as indiscreet, to attack them as a CORPS collectively. Many a young man has thought himself extremely clever in abusing the clergy. What are the clergy more than other men? Can you suppose a black gown can make any alteration in his nature? Fie, fie; think seriously, and I am convinced you will never do it.

33. But above all, let no example, no fashion, no witticism, no foolish desire of rising above what knaves call prejudices, tempt you to excuse, extenuate or ridicule the least breach of morality; but upon every occasion, shew the greatest abhorrence of such proceedings, and hold virtue and religion in the highest veneration.

34. It is a great piece of ill-manners to interrupt any one while speaking, by speaking yourself, or calling off the attention of the company to any foreign matter. But this every child knows.

35. The last thing I shall mention is that of concealing 92your learning, except on particular occasions. Reserve this for learned men, and let them rather extort it from you, than you be too willing to display it. Hence you will be thought modest, and to have more knowledge than you really have. Never seem wise or more learned than the company you are in. He who affects to shew his learning, will be frequently questioned; and if found superficial, will be sneered at; if otherwise, he will be deemed a pedant. Real merit will always shew itself, and nothing can lessen it in the opinion of the world, but a man’s exhibiting it himself.

For God’s sake, revolve all these things seriously in your mind, before you go abroad into life. Recollect the observations you have yourself occasionally made upon men and things, compare them with my instructions, and act wisely, and consequently, as they shall teach you.

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