Front matter
Reading edition
HUMOROUS MASTERPIECES, No. 5
Pictures by Phil May
Printed by Robert MacLehose and Co. Ltd. Glasgow.
Costers and Cockneys
’Appy ’Ampstead.
“Ere y’are, Lidies’ Tormentors. ‘Two’ n penny!”
PICTURES BY P H I L M A Y
GOWANS & GRAY, LTD.
5 ROBERT STREET, ADELPHI, LONDON, W.C.
58 CADOGAN STREET, GLASGOW
1908 First Edition, May, 1907.
Reprinted, June, 1907, Jamiary, 1908
(completing 16,000).
THE Publishers take this opportunity of thanking Messrs. W. Thacker & Co. for the readiness with which they accorded permission for the reproduction of, the drawings contained in this little book. They believe that these examples of Phil May’s work show that inimitable artist at his best.
Costers and Cockneys
“I ’ear as you don’t walk hout with ’Arry Smith any more.”
“No, ’e wanted me to meet ’im incandescently, and I wouldn’t do such a thing, so I chucked ’im.”
Costers and Cockneys
’Arriet.—“Ow! I s’y, look at ’is bloomin’ ’At.”
Costers and Cockneys
“Wot’s th’ row up the Court, Bill?”
“Bob Smith was kissing my missus, and ’is old woman caught ’im.
Costers and Cockneys
One Easter Monday.
’Arriet (watching the funeral of ’Liza).—“Nice sort of a Bank ’Oliday for ’er, poor dear.”
Costers and Cockneys
“What price this for Margit.”
Costers and Cockneys
Fat Party (after a war of words).—“If you come down our court to-morrer and bring a bit o’ fat with yer, I’ll bloomin’ well eat yer.”
Costers and Cockneys
“Ow I s’y, look at ’er frills. Got ’erself hup like a bloomin’ ’am bone!”
Brother Brushes
“Do you want a Muddle. Sir.”
Brother Brushes
First R.A. (who hates to be interrupted in his hobby but is doing his best to be polite).—“Done any work to-day?”
Second R.A.—“No, confound it. That stupid ass Brown came to the studio and talked all the afternoon,—couldn’t do a stroke of work. What do you do when some idiot comes and interrupts your work?”
First R.A.—“Oh, I go on weeding.”
In the Bars and Streets
“Come and ’ave a Cup of Tea, Mrs. Malony, it’s the hanniversary of my Weddin’ Day. I’m sorry my old man won’t be there, ’cos e’s just got a Month for knocking me about.”
In the Bars and Streets
Fraternity. “(Hic) Can’t help you, ole f’la, but I’ll sit down with you (hic).”
In the Bars and Streets
“Mos’ ’tronary thing! a’most shertain th’ was shome Coffee in it.”
In the Bars and Streets
In the Bars and Streets
In the Bars and Streets
It must have been Awful.
Mrs. Baggs (after receiving tornado of abuse from over the road).—
“Well, I never ’eard sich Langwidge in all my life. I never was called sich Names before. Even my own ’usband doesn’t call me s’ch Names.”
In the Bars and Streets
“By the way, when does your American Tour come off?”
“Oh, not for about a Year.”
“Well, let’s go in here and have a Drink before you go.”
In the Bars and Streets
Urchin (to companion over the way).—“Ow would that suit yer, Bill?”
In the Bars and Streets
“Did you go to Smith’s burying?”
“Yes, I did, an’ a measly affair it was. Tea and Bread and Butter!
I’ve buried two ’usbands, but, thank goodness, I buried ’em both with Seedy Cake an’ ’Am Sandwiches.”
In the Bars and Streets
“I want you to take me to St. John’s Wood, Cabbie.”
“All right, sir, but would you mind getting in on the other side so as the old horse don’t see yer.”
In the Bars and Streets
“I don’t so much mind your sneaking my Pewters, but when it comes to bringing ’em back in the shape of ’arf crowns it’s a bit too much.”
In the Bars and Streets
Bill Snooks (reading from a fashion paper).—“‘To be really well dressed a man’s clothes should have the appearance of having been worn once or twice.’ What O!”
In the Bars and Streets
In the Bars and Streets
“What’s ’e done, Guv’nor?
In the Bars and Streets
(Hic!) Jacet.
Studies and Sketches
The Mayor of Middle Wallop (who is interested in the decoration of new theatre).—“Oo’s that gentleman you’re painting?”
Artist.—“That is William Shakespeare.”
The M. of M. W.—“’As ’e ever done anything for Middle Wallop?”
Artist.—“No, Sir, not that I’m aware of.”
The M. of M. W.—“Then paint ’im out and paint Me in.”
Studies and Sketches
Bailiff (who has been well treated and settled with).—“Well, good-bye, sir. See you again ‘soon,’ sir, I ’ope!”
Studies and Sketches
“Nuts for the Monkeys, Sir?”
Studies and Sketches
American Million Heiress.—“And have you really got a coronet?”
Lord Hardup.—“Well—ah—yes—at least—I mean—I’ve got the ticket.”
Studies and Sketches
Visitor to Lunatic Asylum.—“Is that Clock right?”
The Dotty One.—“O course it ain’t, or it wouldn’t be here”
Studies and Sketches
Visitor to Lunatic Asylum which is undergoing structural improvements (to harmless lunatic who is extremely busy wheeling barrow upside down).—“You ought to turn that barrow the other way up!”
Harmless Lunatic (knowingly).—“I did yesterday, but they put Bricks in it.”
Studies and Sketches
Dottyville.
Inmate to new arrival.—“What, you mad too? So glad.”
Studies and Sketches
Condoling Friend (to recently Bereaved Widower).—“It must be awfully hard to lose one’s Wife.”
The Bereaved—“Yes,—— it’s almost impossible”
Studies and Sketches
Wife (to Lion Tamer who has been out late),—“You Coward!”
Within and Without the Ghetto
Sol Jacobs (to his friend the proprietor of the boat who has fallen overboard, and has come to the surface for the second time).—“I thay, Ikey, if yer don’t come up again may I keep the Boat?”
Within and Without the Ghetto
“What ’ave you got in dem boddles, Ikey?”
“Dem ain’t boddles, dem’s fire extinguishers.”
“Garn, you ain’t afraid of a bit of a fire.”
“No, but I gets ten per cent, off the Insurance Company for having dem about.”
“What’s in ’em.”
“I don’t know what was in ’em but there’s kerosene in ’em now!”
Within and Without the Ghetto
“I must congratulate you, Mothes, dot vos a grandt fire of yours last Tuesday.”
“Vat yer mean?—Not last Tuesday, next Tuesday.”
Within and Without the Ghetto
Moses (generously).—“’Ave a Thigar, Ikey?”
Ikey (suspiciously).—“Vat’s the matter vith it?”
Within and Without the Ghetto
“Good Morning, Miss Voss.”
“My name is not Voss. It never Voss and never vill be.”
Within and Without the Ghetto
Solomon (who has had a terriffic bang on the nose from his friend).—
“Do it again. Do it again. I can thee Diamonts!!!”
Within and Without the Ghetto
“Father, I’ve thwallered a thoverign, and how am I to make the books balance? You thee, I’m a pound in and a pound out.”
Among the Thespians
In a Garrison Town.
First Loafer to Second Ditto (as our friends from the Circus pass by).—“Officers!”
With the Children
The Game of “Buttons.”
Winner (to the ruined one).—“Well, dash it all, old man, it you will go in for this sort of thing you must expect to lose a Button or two.”
With the Children
Uncle John.—“Well, Bobby, how did you manage to get out so soon?”
Bobby.—“Leg before, Uncle.”
With the Children
“You never know your Luck.”
“Hi! come back, yer Silly! Do yer want to spile yer Luck?”
With the Children
“My Father ’e once caught a Fish as big—as our Street!”
“Well, then, it must ’ave bin a Whale”
“Garn, ’e were baitin’ wi’ Whales!”
With the Children
“Why don’t we have Open-Air Cafés? So pleasant to take one’s refreshment in the open air.”—(Vide newspapers.)
With the Children
“Do you want a errand boy?”
“No.”
“Yus you do, yours ’as just been runned over.”
With the Children
“Don’t ’e make a gawd of ’is Stummick? Why, that’s the second a’porth I’ve seed ’im ’ave this mornin’!”
By the Sea
“You Naughty Boy, you’ll fall over!”
By the Sea
——!——!——!
By the Sea
“’Taint so long ago, Willium, since you an’ me was the dandies of Deal!”
By the Sea
Scene—Scarboro’. Time—Sunday morning. Very muddy. Inhabitant—“Be thoo a strong mon?”
Amateur weight-lifter (rather proud that his fame has spread so far).—“Well, yes, my friend. I do a little in that way.”
Inhabitant.—“I’ll lay thee a fiver, I’ll put thee on thy back in t’ muck.”
On the Country Side
Lodging-House Keeper (to Professional Lady).—“Which my ’usband, Miss, is one of the Virgins at the Cathedral!”
On the Country Side
“I heard as how you’ve been fighting with Bob Smith?”
“Yus. He said my Sister was cross-eyed.”
“But you haven’t got a Sister?”
“I know that. It was the Principle o’ the thing that upset Me.”
On the Country Side
Stout Party.—“And can’t I get to X —— without walking?”
Porter.—“Well, there’s the Coal Train, Mum.”
Stout Party.—“How Much will it cost Me?”
Porter.—“Seven Shillings a Ton!”
On the Country Side
“Have you got change for a Threepenny-piece, Adolphus? I want to give the Porter a gratuity.”
Sporting Sketches
“Hullo, old chap, you look as if you’d had Sport! In at the Kill?”
“Well, no. I was in at the Ditch and in at the River. We can’t expect to be in every where.”