PROBLEMES

PROBLEMES

1. Why have Baſtards beſt Fortune?

Becauſe Fortune herſelfe is a Whore, but ſuch are not moſt indulgent to their iſſue; the old naturall reaſon (but thoſe meetings in ſtolne love are moſt vehement, and ſo contribute more ſpirit then the eaſie and lawfull) might governe me, but that now I ſee Miſtreſſes are become domeſtike and inordinary, and they and wives waite but by turnes, and agree aſwell as they had lived in the Arke. The old Morall reaſon (that Baſtards inherit wickedneſſe from their Parents, and ſo are in a better way to preferment by having a ſtocke before-hand, then thoſe that build all their fortune upon the poore and weake ſtocke of Originall ſinne) might prevaile with me, but that ſince wee are fallen into ſuch times, as now the world might ſpare the Divell, because ſhe could be bad enough without him. I ſee men ſcorne to be wicked by example, or to bee beholding to others for their damnation. It ſeems reaſonable, that ſince Lawes rob them of ſucceſſion in civill benefits, they ſhould have ſomething elſe equivalent. As Nature (which is Lawes patterne) having denyed Women Conſtancy to one, hath provided them with cunning to allure many; and ſo Baſtards de jure ſhould have better wits and experience. But beſides that by experience wee ſee many fooles amongſt them, wee ſhould take from them one of their chiefeſt helpes to preferment, and we ſhould deny them to be fools, and (that which is onely left) that Women chuſe worthier men then their husbands, is falſe de facto; either then it muſt bee that the Church having removed them from all place in the publike Service of God, they have better meanes then others to be wicked, and ſo fortunate: Or elſe becauſe the two greateſt powers in this world, the Divell and Princes concurre to their greatneſſe; the one giving baſtardy, the other legitimation: As nature frames and conſerves great bodies of contraries. Or the cauſe is, becauſe they abound moſt at Court, which is the forge where fortunes are made, or at leaſt the ſhop where they be ſold.

2. Why Puritanes make long Sermons?

It needs not perſpicuouſneſſe, for God knowes they are plain enough: nor doe all of them uſe Sem-briefe-Accents for ſome of them have crotchets enough. It may bee they intend not to riſe like glorious Tapers and Torches, but like Thinne-wretched-ſicke-watching-Candles, which languiſh and are in a Divine Conſumption from the firſt minute, yea in their ſnuffe, and ſtink when others are in their more profitable glory. I have thought ſometimes, that out of conſcience, they allow long meaſure to courſe ware. And ſometimes, that uſurping in that place a liberty to ſpeak freely of Kings, they would raigne as long as they could. But now I thinke they doe it out of a zealous imagination, that, It is their duty to preach on till their Auditory wake.

3. Why did the Divel reſerve Jeſuites till theſe latter dayes.

Did he know that our Age would deny the Devils poſſeſſing, and therfore provided by theſe to poſſeſſe men and kingdomes? Or to end the diſputation of Schoolemen, why the Divell could not make lice in Egypt; and whether thoſe things hee preſented there, might be true, hath he ſent us a true and reall plague, worſe than thoſe ten? Or in oſtentation of the greatneſſe of his Kingdome, which even diviſion cannot ſhake, doth he ſend us theſe which diſagree with all the reſt? Or knowing that our times ſhould diſcover the Indies, and aboliſh their Idolatry, doth he ſend theſe to give them another for it? Or peradventure they have beene in the Roman Church theſe thouſand yeeres, though we have called them by other names.

4. Why is there more variety of Green then of other Colours?

It is becauſe it is the figure of Youth wherin nature wuld provide as many green, as youth hath affections; and ſo preſent a Sea-green for profuſe waſters in voyages; a Graſſe-green for ſudden new men enobled from Graſiers; and a Gooſe-greene for ſuch Polititians as pretend to preſerve the Capitol. Or elſe Prophetically foreſeeing an age, wherein they ſhall all hunt. And for ſuch as miſdemeane themſelves a Willow-greene; For Magiſtrates muſt aſwell have Faſces born before them to chaſtize the ſmall offences, as Secures to cut off the great.

5. Why doe young Lay-men ſo much ſtudy Divinity.

Is it becauſe others tending buſily Churches preferment neglect ſtudy? Or had the Church of Rome ſhut up all our wayes, till the Lutherans broke downe their uttermoſt ſtubborne doores, and the Calviniſts picked their inwardeſt and ſubtleſt lockes? Surely the Devill cannot be ſuch a Foole to hope that he ſhall make this ſtudy contemptible, by making it common. Nor that as the Dwellers by the River Origus are ſaid (by drawing infinite ditches to ſprinkle their barren Country) to have exhauſted and intercepted their maine channell, and ſo loſt their more profitable courſe to the ſea; ſo we, by providing every ones ſelfe, divinity enough for his own uſe, ſhould neglect our Teachers and Fathers. Hee cannot hope for better hereſies then hee hath had, nor was his Kingdome ever ſo much advanced by debating Religion (though with ſome aſperſions of Error) as by a dull and ſtupid ſecurity, in which many groſe things are ſwallowed. Poſſible out of ſuch an ambition as we have now, to ſpeake plainely and fellow-like with Lords and Kings, wee thinke alſo to acquaint our ſelves with Gods ſecrets: Or perchance when we ſtudy it by mingling humane reſpects, It is not Divinity.

6. Why hath the common Opinion afforded Women Soules?

It is agreed that wee have not ſo much from them as any part of either our mortall ſoules of ſenſe, or growth, and we deny ſoules to others equal to them in all but in ſpeech for which they are beholding to their bodily inſtruments: For perchance an Oxes heart, or a Goates, or a Foxes, or a Serpents would ſpeake juſt ſo, if it were in the breaſt, and could move that tongue and jawes. Have they ſo many advantages and meanes to hurt us (for, ever their loving deſtroyed us) that we dare not diſpleaſe them, but give them what they will? And ſo when ſome call them Angels, ſome Goddeſſes, and the Palpulian Heretikes made them Biſhops, wee deſcend ſo much with the ſtreame, to allow them ſoules? Or doe we ſomewhat (in this dignifying of them) flatter Princes and great Perſonages that are ſo much governed by them? Or do we in that eaſineſſe and prodigality, wherein we daily loſe our owne ſoules to we care not whom, ſo labour to perſwade our ſelves, that ſith a woman hath a ſoule, a ſoule is no great matter? Or doe wee lend them ſoules but for uſe, ſince they for our ſakes, give their ſoules againe, and their bodies to boote? Or perchance becauſe the Deuill (who is all ſoule) doth moſt miſchiefe, and for convenience and proportion, becauſe they would come neerer him, wee allow them ſome ſoules; and ſo as the Romanes naturalized ſome Provinces in revenge, and made them Romans, onely for the burthen of the Common-wealth; ſo we have given women ſoules onely to make them capable of damnation?

7. Why are the Faireſt, Falſeſt?

I meane not of falſe Alchimy Beauty, for then the queſtion ſhould be inverted, Why are the Falſeſt, Faireſt? It is not onely becauſe they are much ſolicited and ſought for, ſo is gold, yet it is not ſo common; and this ſuite to them, ſhould teach them their value, and make them more reſerved. Nor is it becauſe the delicateſt blood hath the beſt ſpirits, for what is that to the fleſh? perchance ſuch conſtitutions have the beſt wits, and there is no proportionable ſubject, for Womens wit, but deceipt? doth the minde ſo follow the temperature of the body, that becauſe thoſe complexions are apteſt to change, the mind is therefore ſo? Or as Bells of the pureſt metall retaine their tinkling and ſound largeſt; ſo the memory of the laſt pleaſure laſts longer in theſe, and diſpoſeth them to the next. But ſure it is not in the complexion, for thoſe that doe but thinke themſelves faire, are preſently inclined to this multiplicity of loves, which being but faire in conceipt are falſe in deed: and ſo perchance when they are borne to this beauty, or have made it, or have dream’d it, they eaſily believe all addreſſes and applications of every man, out of a ſenſe of their own worthineſſ to be directed to them, which others leſſ worthy in their own thoughts apprehend not, or diſcredit. But I think the true reaſon is, that being like gold in many properties (as that all ſnatch at them, but the worſt poſſeſſ them, that they care not how deep we dig for them, and that by the Law of nature, Occupandi conceditur) they would be like alſo in this, that as Gold to make it ſelf of uſe admits allay, ſo they, that they may be tractable, mutable, and currant, have to allay Falſhood.

8. Why Venus-ſtar only doth caſt a ſhadow?

Is it becauſe it is nearer the earth? But they whoſe profeſſion it is to ſee that nothing be done in heaven without their conſent (as Re — ſays in himſelf of Aſtrologers) have bid Mercury to be nearer. Is it becauſe the works of Venus want ſhadowing, covering and dignifying? But thoſe of Mercury need it more; For Eloquence, his occupation, is all ſhadow and colours; let our life be a ſea, and then our reaſons and even paſſions are wide enough to carry us whether we ſhould go, but Eloquence is a ſtorm and tempeſt that miſcarries: and who doubts that Eloquence which muſt perſwade people to take a yoke of ſoveraignty (and then beg and make Laws to tye them faſter, and then give money to the invention, repair and ſtrengthen it) needs more ſhadows and coloring, then to perſwade any man or woman to that which is natural. And Venus markets are ſo natural, that when we ſolicite the beſt way (which is by marriage) our perſwaſions work not ſo much to draw a woman to us, as againſt her nature to draw her from all other beſides. And ſo when we go againſt nature, and from Venus-work (for marriage is chaſtitie) we need ſhadowes and colours, but not elſe. In Seneca’s time, it was a courſe, an un-Roman and a contemptible thing even in a Matron, not to have had a Love beſide her huſband, which though the Law required not at their hands, yet they did it zealouſly out of the Council of Cuſtom and faſhion, which was venery of ſupererrogation:

Et te ſpectator pluſquam delectat Adulter,

saith Martial: And Horace, becauſe many lights would not ſhew him enough, created many Images of the ſame Object by wainſcoting his chamber with looking-glaſſes: ſo that Venus flies not light, as much as Mercury, who creeping into our underſtanding, our darkneſs would be defeated, if he were perceived. Then either this ſhadow confeſſeth that ſame dark Melancholy Repentance which accompanies; or that ſo violent fires, needs ſome ſhadowy refreſhing and intermiſſion: Or elſe light ſignifying both day and youth, and ſhadow both night and age, ſhe pronounceth by this that ſhe profeſſeth both all perſons and times.

9. Why is Venus-ſtar multinominous, called both Heſperus and Veſper.

The Moon hath as many names, but not as ſhe is a ſtar, but as ſhe hath divers governments; but Venus is multinominous to give example to her proſtitute diſciples, who ſo often, either to renew or refreſh themſelves towards lovers, or to diſguiſe themſelves from Magiſtrates, are to take new names. It may be ſhe takes new names after her many functions, for as ſhe is ſupream Monarch of all Suns at large (which is luſt) ſo is ſhe joyned in Commiſſion with all Mythologicks, with Juno, Diana, and all others for marriage. It may be becauſe of the divers names to her ſelf, for her affections have more names than any vice: ſcilicet, Pollution, Fornication, Adultery, Lay-Inceſt, Church-Inceſt, Rape, Sodomy, Maſtupration, Maſturbation, and a thouſand others. Perchance her divers names ſhewed her appliableneſs to divers men, for Neptune diſtilled and wet her in love, the Sun warms and melts her, Mercury perſwaded and ſwore her, Jupiters authority ſecured, and Vulcan hammer’d her. As Heſperus ſhe preſents you with her bonum utile, becauſe it is wholeſomeſt in the morning: As Veſper with her bonum delectabile, becauſe it is pleaſanteſt in the evening. And becauſe induſtrious men riſe and endure with the Sun in their civil buſineſſes, this Star caſts them up a little before, and remembers them again a little after for her buſineſs; for certainly,

Venit Heſperus, ite capellae:

was ſpoken to Lovers in the perſons of Goats.

10. Why are New Officers leaſt oppreſſing?

Muſt the old Proverbe, that Old dogs bite ſorest, be true in all kinde of dogs? Me thinkes the freſh memory they have of the mony they parted with for the place, ſhould haſten them for the re-imburſing: And perchance they doe but ſeeme eaſier to their ſuiters; who (as all other Patients) doe account all change of paine, eaſie. But if it bee ſo, it is either becauſe the ſodain ſenſe & contentment of the honor of the place, retards and remits the rage of their profits, and ſo having ſtayed their ſtomackes, they can forbeare the ſecond courſe a while: Or having overcome the ſteepest part of the hill, and clambered above Competitions and Oppoſitions they dare loyter, and take breath: Perchance being come from places, where they taſted no gaine, a little ſeems much to them at firſt, for it is long before a Christian conſcience overtakes, or straies into an Officers heart. It may be that out of the generall diſeaſe of all men not to love the memory of a predeceſſor, they ſeeke to diſgrace them by ſuch eaſineſſe, and make good firſt impreſſions, that ſo having drawen much water to their Mill, they may afterward grind at eaſe: For if from the rules of good Horſe-manſhip, they thought it wholeſome to jet out in a moderate pace, they ſhould alſo take up towards their journeys end, not mend their pace continually, and gallop to their Innes-doore, the grave; except perchance their conſcience at that time ſo touch them, that they thinke it an injury and damage both to him that muſt ſell, and to him that muſt buy the Office after their death, and a kind of dilapidation if they by continuing honeſt ſhould diſcredit the place, and bring it to a lower-rent, or under-value.

11. Why does the Poxe ſo much affect to undermine the Noſe?

Paracelſus perchance ſaith true, That every Diſeaſe hath his exaltation in ſome part certaine. But why this in the Noſe? Is there ſo much mercy in this diſeaſe, that it provides that one ſhould not ſmell his own ſtinck? Or hath it but the common fortune, that being begot and bred in obſcureſt and ſecreteſt places, becauſe therefore his ſerpentine crawling and inſinuation ſhould not be ſuſpected, nor ſeen, he comes ſooneſt into great place, and is more able to deſtroy the worthieſt member, then a diſeaſe better born? Perchance as mice defeat Elephants by knawing their Proboſcis, which is their Noſe, this wretched Indian Vermine practiſeth to doe the ſame upon us. Or as the ancient furious Cuſtome and Connivency of ſome Lawes, that one might cut off their Noſe whome he deprehended in Adulterie, was but a Tipe of this; And that now more charitable lawes having taken away all Revenge from particular hands, this common Magiſtrate and Executioner is come to do the ſame office inviſibly? Or by withdrawing this conſpicuous part, the Noſe, it warnes us from all adventuring upon that Coaſt; for it is as good a mark to take in a flag as to hang one out. Poſſibly heate, which is more potent and active then cold, thought her ſelfe injured, and the Harmony of the world out of tune, when cold was able to ſhew the high-way to Noses in Muscovia, except ſhe found the meanes to doe the ſame in other Countries. Or becauſe by the conſent of all, there is an Analogy, Proportion, and affection between the Noſe and that part where this diſeaſe is firſt contracted, and therefore Heliogabalus choſe not his Minions in the Bath but by the Noſe: And Albertus had a knaviſh meaning when he preferd great Noſes; And the licentious Poet was Naſo Poeta. I think this reaſon is neareſt truth, That the Noſe is moſt compaſſionate with this part: Except this be nearer, that it is reaſonable that this Diſeaſe in particular ſhould affect the moſt eminent and perſpicuous part, which in general doth affect to take hold of the moſt eminent and conſpicuous men.

12. Why die none for Love now?

Becauſe women are become eaſyer. Or becauſe theſe later times have provided mankind of more new means for the deſtroying of themſelves and one another, Pox, Gunpowder, Young marriages, and Controverſies in Religion. Or is there in true Hiſtory no Precedent or Example of it? Or perchance ſome die ſo, but are not therefore worthy the remembring or ſpeaking of?

13. Why do Women delight much in Feathers?

They think that Feathers imitate wings, and ſo ſhew their reſtleſſneſs and inſtability. As they are in matter, ſo they would be in name, like Embroiderers, Painters, and ſuch Artificers of curious vanities, which the vulgar call Pluminaries. Or elſe they have feathers for the ſame reaſon, which moves them to love the unworthieſt men, which is, that they may be thereby excuſable in their inconſtancy and often changing.

14. Why doth not Gold ſoyl the fingers?

Doth it direct all the venom to the heart? Or is it becauſe bribing ſhould not be diſcovered? Or becauſe that ſhould pay purely, for which pure things are given, as Love, Honor, Justice and Heaven? Or doth it ſeldom come into innocent hands but into ſuch as for former foulneſs you cannot diſcern this?

15. Why do great men of all dependants, chuſe to preſerve their little Pimps?

It is not becauſe they are got neareſt their ſecrets, for they whom they bring come nearer. Nor commonly becauſe they and their bawds have lain in one belly, for then they ſhould love their brothers aſwel. Nor becauſe they are witneſſes of their weakneſs, for they are weak ones. Either it is becauſe they have a double hold and obligation upon their maſters for providing them ſurgery and remedy after, aſwel as pleaſure before, and bringing them always ſuch ſtuff, as they ſhal always need their ſervice? Or becauſe they may be received and entertained every where, and Lords fling off none but they ſuch as they may deſtroy by it. Or perchance we deceive our ſelves, and every Lord having many, and, of neceſſity, ſome riſing, we mark only theſe.

16. Why are Courtiers ſooner Atheiſts then men of other conditions?

Is it becauſe as Phyſitians contemplating Nature, and finding many abſtruſe things ſubject to the ſearch of Reaſon, thinks therefore that all is ſo; so they (ſeeing mens deſtinies, mad at Court, neck out and in joynt there, War, Peace, Life and Death derived from thence) climb no higher? Or doth a familiarity with greatneſs, and daily converſation and acquaintance with it breed a contempt of all greatneſs? Or becauſe that they ſee that opinion or need of one another, and fear makes the degrees of ſervants, Lords and Kings, do they think that God likewiſe for ſuch Reaſon hath been mans Creator? Perchance it is becauſe they ſee Vice proſper beſt there, and, burthened with ſinne, doe they not, for their eaſe, endeavour to put off the feare and Knowledge of God, as facinorous men deny Magiſtracy? Or are the moſt Atheiſts in that place, becauſe it is the foole that ſaid in his heart, There is no God.

17. Why are ſtateſmen moſt incredulous?

Are they all wiſe enough to follow their excellent pattern Tiberius, who brought the ſenate to be diligent and induſtrious to believe him, were it never so oppoſite or diametricall, that it deſtroyed their very ends to be believed, as Aſinius Gallus had almoſt deceived this man by believing him, and the Major and Aldermen of London in Richard the Third? Or are buſineſſes (about which theſe men are converſant) ſo conjecturall, ſo ſubject to unſuſpected interventions that they are therefore forc’d to ſpeak oraculouſly, whiſperingly, generally, and therefore eſcapingly, in the language of Almanack-makers for weather? Or are thoſe (as they call them) Arcana imperii, as by whom the Prince provokes his luſt, and by whom he vents it, of what Cloath his ſocks are, and ſuch, ſo deep, and ſo irreveald, as any error in them is inexcuſable? If theſe were the reaſons, they would not only ſerve for ſtate-buſineſs. But why will they not tell true, what a Clock it is, and what weather, but abſtain from truth of it, if it conduce not to their ends, as Witches will not name Jeſus, though it be in a curſe? eithere they know little out of their own Elements, or a Cuſtom in one matter begets an habite in all. Or the lower ſort imitate Lords, they their Princes, theſe their Prince. Or elſe they believe one another, and ſo never hear truth. Or they abſtain from the little Channel of truth, leaſt, at laſt, they ſhould finde the fountain it ſelf, God.

18. Why was Sir Walter Raleigh thought the fitteſt Man, to write the Hiſtorie of theſe Times?

Was it becauſe that being told at his Arraignement, that a Witneſs accuſing himſelf had the ſtrength of two; he may ſeem by Writing the ills of his own Time to be believed? Or is it, becauſe he might reenjoy thoſe Times by the Meditation of them? Or becauſe if he ſhould undertake higher Times, he doth not think, that he can come nearer to the Beginning of the World? Or becauſe like a Bird in a Cage, he takes his Tunes from every paſſenger, that laſt whiſtled? Or becauſe he thinks not that the beſt Echo which repeats moſt of the Sentence, but that which repeats Leſs more plainly?