OUR PEOPLE (continued 2)
Reading edition
"
Ah! but I mean to Paint Pretty Things!!
"
Mixed Pickles.
Domestic
(
in terrified accents
). "
O, Mum, here's Master Plantag'n't, 'M, has been and Broke his Gran'pa's Ink-Bottle in the Lib'ary, and Cut his Finger dreadful, 'M!!
"
Grandmamma's Darling
(
gleefully alluding to his Nasal Organ
). "
And got a Marble up by Doze, Gra'dba'!!
"
The Trials of a District Visitor.
The Honourable Miss Fuzbuz
(
loq.
). "
Is Mrs. Higgins Within?
"
Mrs. Tomkins.
"
I'll Call 'er, M'um.
" (
At the top of her Voice.
) "
Mrs. 'Ig——gins! Ere's the Person with the Trac's!
" (
To the Honourable Miss.
) "
The lady will be down presently, M'um!!
"
Legitimate Criticism.
Aged Village Matron
(
to Sympathising Visitor
). "
It's a 'Cookery Book,' as Mrs. Penewise, our 'District Lady,' give me this Christmas, Miss. I'd a deal sooner a' had the Ingriddiments, Miss!!
"
"The Servants."
Old Lady.
"
They're all Alike, my Dear. There's our Susan (it's true she's a Dissenter), but I've allowed her to go to Chapel Three Times every Sunday since she has Lived with me, and I assure you she doesn't Cook a bit Better than she did the First Day!!
"
Pleasant for Simpkins!
Photographer
(
to Mr. Simpkins
). "
Keep your Head steady, please, Sir, and Look in the Direction of those young Ladies. Steady now, Sir! Don't Wink, Sir!
"
Mrs. S.
(
by a look that Mr. S. quite understood
). "
Just let me See him Wink!!
"
A Misnomer.
Country Valetudinarian.
"
Ah yes, Mu'm, I've had the 'Lumbager turr'ble bad, Mu'm! 'Ketches me in the
Small
o' the Back 'ere, Mu'm!!
"
"Winkles!"
Philanthropic Coster'
(
who has been crying "Perry-wink—wink—wink!" till he's hoarse—and no buyers
). "
I wonder what the p'or unfort'nate Creeters in these 'ere Low Neighb'r'oods do Live on!!
"
"The Last (Co-operative) Feather."
'
My Lady.
' "
Just take and Tie up a couple of those Sacks Behind the Carriage, James. There'll be Room, if one of you Rides on the Box!!
"
Disaffection!
Adjutant.
"What's the Matter, Drum-Major?"
Drum-Major.
"Please, Sir, the Drums is in a state of Mutiny, and these are the Ringleaders!!"
Zoology.
Railway Porter
(
to Old Lady travelling with a Menagerie of Pets
). "
'Station Master say, Mum, as Cats is 'Dogs,' and Rabbits is 'Dogs,' and so's Parrots; but this ere 'Tortis' is a Insect, so there ain't no charge for it!
"
Extortion.
Porter, S. E. R.
"
Ticket for Musical Instrument, please, Sir.
"
Amateur Violoncellist
(
who never travels without his bass, indignantly
). "
What! Pay for this? I've never had to Pay on any other Line. This is my 'cello!
"
Porter
(
calmly
). "
Not Personal Luggage, Sir. All the same if you'd a Hurdy-Gurdy, Sir!!
"
Our Amateur's feelings are too much for him.
"Any Ornaments for your Fire-Stoves?"
Little Flora
(
in great distress
). "
Oh, Mamma, look here! Jack says it's Aunt Fanny! She's got on her Beautiful Ball-Dress with the Roses on it, and she's
Stuck in the Chimney
!
"
Compliments of the Season.
Fond Parent.
"
I hope you will be very Careful, Mr. Stimpson. I have always been accustomed to Cut their Hair myself.
"
Mr. Stimpson.
"
So I should have Thought, Madam!
"
On the Face of It.
Pretty Teacher.
"
Now, Johnny Wells, can you Tell me what is Meant by a Miracle?
"
Johnny.
"
Yes, Teacher. Mother says if you dun't Marry new Parson, 'twull be a Murracle!
"
Obvious Initiative.
(
A lively Native of the Deep Sea seizes hold of a Shepherd's Dog by the Tail, who makes off as fast as he can.
)
Fishmonger
(
in a rage
). "
Whustle on yer Dog, Mun!
"
Highlander
(
coolly
). "
Whustle on m' Dog? Na, na, Friend! Whustle you on your
Partan
!!
"
Driving a Bargain.
Economical Drover.
"
A Teeck't tae Faa'kirk.
"
Polite Clerk.
"
Five-and-Ninepence, please.
"
Drover.
"
Ah'll gie ye Five Shillings!
"
Clerk
(
astonished
). "
Eh!
"
Drover
. "
Weel, ah'll gie ye Five-an'-Thrippence, an' Deil a Bawbee mair! Is't a Bargain?!
"
Candid.
Tam
(
very dry, at door of Country Inn, Sunday Morning
). "
Aye, Man, ye micht gie me a bit Gill oot in a Bottle!
"
Landlord
(
from within
). "
Weel, ye ken, Tammas, I daurna sell onything the Day. And forbye ye got a Half-Mutchkin awa' wi' ye last Nicht (after Hoors tae); it canna be a' dune yet!
"
Tam.
"
Dune! Losh, Man, d'ye think a' could Sleep an' Whuskey i' the Hoose?!
"
An Irish Model.
Mrs. Magillicuddy
(
to her Daughter
). "
Why, why, Roseen! what's been delayin' ye? Why! and me waitin' this Hour past to come in wid the Milk!
"
Rose.
"
O, sure, thin, Mother dear, on me Way back from the Meada' I met such a darlin' English Jintleman—a rale Artist. Why, and he axed me to Allow him to take me Landskip; and O, Mother mavrone, it's a Wonder how like me he's med it, glory be to the Saints!
"
A Benediction!
Irish Beggarwoman
(
to our friend, Dr. O'Gorman, whose Nose is of the shortest
). "
Won't ye give me a Copper, Docther dear? They, now, if ye haven't wan Penny convanient!—and may the Blissed Saints incrase ye!
"
Dr. O'Gorman.
"
Stand aside, my good Woman. I've nothing for you.
"
Beggarwoman.
"
O, thin, the Lard presarve yer Eyesight, for the Divil a Nose ye have to Mount the 'Specs' upon!!
"
Mrs. Frummage's Birthday Dinner-Party.
Mrs. F.
("
coming from behind the Screen, sneakin' just like her
"). "
There! Oh you Goodfornothing Boy, now I've found you out. How dare you touch the Wine, Sir?
"
Robert.
"
Please 'M, I was—I was only just a goin' to wish Yours an' Master's wery good 'ealth 'M!
"
Confession.
Old Lady
(
who can't stand her Page's destructive carelessness any longer
). "
Now, Robert, I want you clearly to understand the Reason I part with you. Can you tell me?
"
Robert
(
affected to tears
). "
Yes, 'M.
"
Old Lady.
"
What, Robert?
"
Robert.
"
'Cause I'm—(
sniff
)—'cause I'm—'cause I'm
so Ugly
!!
"
A Stroke of Business.
Village Hampden
(
"who with dauntless breast" has undertaken, for sixpence, to keep off the other boys
). "
If any of yer wants to see what we're a Paintin' of, it's a 'Alfpenny a 'Ead, but you marn't make no Remarks.
"
Proper Reproof.
Fussy Party.
"
Why don't you Touch your Hat to me, Boy?
"
Country Boy.
"
So I wul i' yeaou'll howd the Ca-alf!
"
Little and Good.
Gentleman.
"
Who do these Pigs belong to, Boy?
"
'
Chaw.
' "
Why, this 'ere owd Zow.
"
Gentleman.
"
Yes, yes; but I mean who's their Master?
"
'
Chaw.
' "
Why, that there Little 'un; he's a Varmun to Foight!
"
"Mistakes Will Happen."
Mamma
(
alarmed
). "
What is it, my Darling?
"
Pet.
"
Ya—ah, Boo—ooh—ah!
"
Mamma.
"
What's the Matter, then? Come and Tell its own
——"
Pet.
"
Ba—h-oo-h—She—She did—Wash me once—an'—says—she didn't—an'—She's been—an' gone an' Washed me over again!!
"
Brushing Pa's New Hat.
Edith.
"
Now, Tommy, you keep Turning slowly, till we've Done it all round.
"
More Than One for His Nob.
Irritable Old Gentleman
(
who is rather particular about his appearance
). "
I wish you'd be Careful. That's the Third or Fourth Time you've Pricked me with your Scissors!
"
Young Man
(
from "Round the Corner"
). "
Beg yer Pardon, Sir, but the Fact is, Sir, I 'aven't been in the 'abit o' Cuttin' 'Air, Sir. We're rather Short of 'Ands, so
——"
Old Gent explodes.
A Passage of Arms.
Hairdresser.
"
'Air's very Dry, Sir!
"
Customer
(
who knows what's coming
). "
I like it Dry!
"
Hairdresser
(
after awhile, again advancing to the attack
). "'
Ead's very Scurfy, Sir!
"
Customer
(
still cautiously retiring
). "
Ya-as, I prefer it Scurfy!
"
Assailant gives in defeated
Flunkeianum.
Master.
"
Thompson, I believe that I have repeatedly expressed an Objection to being served with Stale Bread at Dinner. How is it my Wishes have not been Attended to?
"
Thompson.
"
Well, Sir, I reely don't know what is to be Done! It won't do to Waste it, and we
can't
Eat it Down-stairs!!
"
A Dilemma.
Auxiliary Recruit
(
to himself
). "
Murder! Murder! What'll I do now? 'Drill-Sarjint tould me always to Salute me Officer wid the far-off Hand, and here's Two iv em! Faix, I'll make it Straight for meself anyhow!
"
Throws up both Hands.
Lessons in the Vacation.
Public School-man.
"
He-ar, Cabby, we'll give you Eighteen-pence to take us to Brixton.
"
Cabby.
"
Well, I generally do carry Children 'alf price, but I'm Engaged this Morning, Gents!
"
Wimbledon.
The Irrepressible 'Arry
(
to Swell—Small-bore Man—who has just fired
). "
Ya—ah! Never 'It it!!
"
Wimbledon.
Volunteer Mounted Officer
(
Midnight
). "
Hullo here! Why don't you Turn Out the Guard? I'm the Field-Officer of the Day!
"
Volunteer Sentry.
"
Then what the Deuce are you Doin' out this Time o' Night?
"
A Hardship.
Mistress.
"
I think, Elizabeth, I must Ask you to go to Church this Afternoon instead of this Morning, because
——"
Elizabeth
(
indignantly
). "
Well, Mum, which in my last Place I was never As'ed to go an' 'ear a Curate Preach!
"
"Like her Impudence."
Missis and the Young Ladies
(
together
). "
Goodness Gracious, J'mima! what have you——
where's
your Cr'n'lin?
" (
This word snappishly.
)
Jemima.
"
Oh 'M, please 'M, which I Understood as they was a Goin' Out, 'M——
"
Receives warning on the spot.
"Too Bad!"
Comic Man
(
in an audible Whisper, while his Friend is "obliging" with "Adelaide"
). "
Look out! He's coming to the Passionate Part now. You'll see him Wag his Shoulders!
"
"It's the Pace that Kills."
Miss Rattleton
(
who means Waltzing
). "
Oh, I did not say 'Stop,' Mr. Plumpley.
"
Mr. Plumpley
(
utterly blown, in gasps
). "
'msure you—mustbetired——
"
And joins the Card-players.
The Gamut.
Jack Bowbell
(
beginning his Song
). "
'Appy Land, 'Appy Land——
"
Tom Belgrave.
"
One Moment—excuse me, my dear Fellow—but don't you think the Song would go better if you were to Sound your
H
's just a little?
"
Jack Bowbell.
"
Eh? Sound my
H
's?
" (
Chuckles.
) "
Shows how much you know about Music!—No such Note—only goes up to
G
!
" (
Continues.
) "
'Appy Land, 'Appy Land——
"
Garrison Instruction.
Instructor
(
lecturing
). "
Gentlemen, a Three-legged Trestle is a trestle with Three Legs. You had better make a Note of that, Gentlemen
."
(
Intense scribbling.
)
General in Embryo
(
but not at present noted for smartness
),
after a pause of some Minutes
. "
I beg your pardon, Major, but how many Legs did you say the Trestle had?
" (
Left sitting.
)
Cavalry Criticism.
Adjutant
(
to Riding-Master
). "
Ah, there's Mr. Quickstep
!" (
Who had just Exchanged into the Regiment from the Infantry
.) "
How does he get on
?"
Riding-Master
. "
Well, Sir, I think he's the Hossiest Gen'leman afut—and the Futtiest Gen'leman on a Hos that ever I've met with since I've been in the Reg'ment
!"
"The Way we Had in the Army."
Colonel
(
of the pre-Examination period—to studious Sub
). "
I say, Youngster, you'll never make a Soldier if you don't mind what you're about!
"
Sub
(
mildly
). "
I should be sorry to think that, Sir!
"
Colonel.
"
I saw you sneaking up the High Street yesterday, looking like a Methodist Parson in reduced Circumstances!—Hold up your Head, Sir! Buy a Stick, Sir! Slap your Leg, Sir! And stare at the Girls at the Windows!
"
"An Officer and a Gentleman!"
Volunteer Captain
(
bumptiously
). "
Officer's Ticket
!"
Considerate Clerk
. "
Gover'ment Tariff's high on this Line, Sir. You'd better go as a Gentleman! Cheaper
!"
The Captain is shocked, loses his presence of mind, and takes advantage of the suggestion
.
"The Service going to, &c.!"
ENSIGN BROWN SHARES A TENT AT WIMBLEDON WITH HIS FRIEND JONES, PRIVATE IN THE SAME COMPANY.
Ensign Brown
. "
Oh, I say, Jo—Mr. Jones, there's one of those Pegs loose. Hem—will you—I wish—just Jump out, and make it Fast
!"
Private Jones
. "
Oh, hang it, Br—Mr. Brown! Come, I don't mind Tossing you
!!"
Presence of Mind.
Constables
(
in chorus
). "
Hoy! Hullo! Stop! Turn back there! Can't come through the Park!
"
Elderly Female
(
in a hurry to catch a train
). "
P'liceman, I'm the
'Ome Secretary
!!!
"
Sergeant of Police
(
taken aback
). "
Oh, I beg your Pardon, I'm sure, Mum! All right—drive on, Cabby!
"
Old Lady saves the train.
"Bric á Brac."
Mamma
} {"
Sam!
"
}
together
{"
Goodness, Gracious,}
Daughters
} {
Pa'!
"
Papa
(
who has a passion for Antiques
). "
My dears, I thought it would do so nicely for the Landing at the Top of the Stairs, eh.
"
Encouraging.
First Bystander
(
evidently Village Schoolmaster—ignorant set of people generally!
). "
Don't seem to be making much of it, do 'e?
"
Second Bystander
(
you'd have thought him an intelligent Farmer, by the look of him
). "
Ammy-toor, seemin'ly!!
"
"Fine Art."
Rural Connoisseur.
"
He's a P'intin' Two Pictur's at Once, d' yer See? 'Blest if I don't Like that there Little 'Un as he's got his Thumb through, the Best!
"
Our Reserves.
(AUXILIARY FORCES, NORTH OF IRELAND.)
Last Joined Supernumerary.
"
Now, then, Sentry, why don't you Salute your Officer?
"
Militia Sentry
(
old Yankee Irish Veteran, who has been through the "Secesh" War
). "
Salute, is it? Divel a Salute you'll get ontill ye Pay yer Futtin'!!
"
Badinage.
Facetious 'Bus-Driver
(
offering to pull up
). "
'Ere y'are, Sir. Look sharp, Bill and 'elp the Gen'leman in with his Luggage!
"
Chimney-Sweep
(
whose self-respect is hurt
)
uses strong language!
'Bus-Driver.
"
Beg Pard'n, Sir. Gen'leman ain't for us, Bill. He's a lookin' out for a 'Hatlas. Goin' to Madam Toosawd's, to 'ave his Statty done in Wax-Work!!
"
Particular to a Hair.
Irate Major
(
to hairy Sub.
). "
When next you come on Parade, Sir, have the Goodness to Leave those con-founded Weathercocks behind you!
"
Chronology.
'Bus-Driver.
"
They Tell me there've been some Coins found in these 'ere 'Exkyvations that 'a been Buried there a Matter o' Four or Five 'Undred Year!!
"
Passenger Friend.
"
Oh, that's Nothin'! Why, there's some in the Bri'sh Museum—ah—more than Two Thousand Year Old!!
"
'Bus-Driver
(
after a pause
). "
Come, George, that won't do, yer know! 'Cause we're only in Eight'n 'Undred an' Sixty-Nine now!!!
"
"Bus-Measure."
'Bus-Driver.
"
Never see the Comet?! Why, wherever could you 'a'——
" (
Notices Shortness of "Ge'tleman's" hair, &c., and hesitates
).
"
Howsomever
——"
Passenger
(
relieving his embarrassment
). "
Whereabouts was it?
"
Driver.
"
Well, I'll Tell yer. It was about the Length o' this yere Bus from the forrardest Leader in the Great Bear!
"
Tricks upon Travellers.
Bonsor
(
down upon little Stannery, who's a great boaster about his "Swell" acquaintance, and his extensive "Travel," and this year especially, down Palestine way
). "
Did you see the
DARDANELLES?"
Stannery.
"
Eh! The—eh? Oh, ye'—yes! Jolly Fellars as ever I met! Dined with 'em at Viennah!
"
Little S. has left the Club.
Quantity not Quality.
Brown, Senior.
"
Well, Fred, what did you see during your Trip Abroad?
"
Brown, Junior.
"
Aw—'pon m'word, 'don't know what I saw 'xactly, 'only know I did more by Three Countries, Eight Towns, and Four Mountains, than Smith did in the same time!
"
"A Woman of Business."
Husband
(
who has been on the Continent, and left his Wife some Blank Cheques
). "
My dear Louisa, I find you have considerably Overdrawn at the Bank!
"
Wife.
"
O, Nonsense, Willy, how can that be? Why, I've two of those Blank Cheques left yet!!
"
"Reason in Woman."
Young Wife.
"
George, dear, I've had a Talk with the Servants this Morning, and I've agreed to Raise their Wages. They said everything was so Dear now—Meat was so High, and Coals had Risen to Such a Price, and everything——I thought this was Reasonable, because I've so often heard you Complain of the Same Thing.
"
"Our Failures."
Husband.
"
I say, Lizzie, what on Earth did you make this Mint-Sauce of?
"
Young Wife
(
who has been "helping" Cook
). "
Parsley, to be sure!
"
"Where there's a Will there's a Way!"
Cook.
"
Please, 'M, I wishes to Give Warning
——"
Mistress
(
surprised
). "
Why, what's the Matter?
"
Cook.
"
The Fact is, Mum, I'm going to get Married!
"
Mistress.
"
Why, Cook, I did not Know you were Engaged!
"
Cook.
"
Which I ham not azactly Engaged as yet, Mum; but I Feels myself to be of that 'Appy Disposition as I could Love hany Man, Mum!
"
"Satisfactory!"
Mistress.
"
Well, Jessie, I'm going into Nairne, and will see your Mother. Can I give her any Message from you?
"
Jessie
(
her first "place"
). "
Ou, Mem, ye can just Say I'm unco' weel Pleased wi' ye!!
"
"Ha! Ha! The Wooin' O't!"
Young Mistress
(
gravely; she had seen an affectionate parting at the garden-gate
). "
I See you've got a Young Man, Jane!
"
Jane
(
apologetically
). "
Only Walked Out with him Once, M'um!
"
Mistress.
"
O, but I Thought I Saw—didn't you—didn't he—take a Kiss, Jane?
"
Jane.
"
O, M'm, only as a Friend, M'm!!
"
"The Way we Build now."
Indignant Houseowner
(
he had heard it was so much cheaper, in the end, to buy your House
). "
Wh' what's the—what am I!—Wha'—what Do you suppose is the meaning of this, Mr. Scampling!?
"
Local Builder.
"
T' Tut, Tut! Well, Sir, I 'spects some one's been a-Leanin' agin it!!
"
"In the Long Run."
Town Gent.
"
Now do you find keeping Poultry answers?
"
Country Gent
(
lately retired
). "
O, 'es, s'posed to answer. Y' see there's the original Cost of the Fowls—'f course the Food goes down to me, y' know. Well, then, I Purchase the Eggs from the Children, and they Eat them!!!
"
Rather too Literal.
Country Gentleman
(
in a rage
). "
Why, what have you been up to, you Idiot! You've let him down, and
——"
New Groom.
"
Yes, yer Honner, ye tould me to Break him; an' Bruk he is, Knees an' all, worse Luck!
"
"Bon Voyage!"
Mossu
(
shot into a nice soft loam
)
exultingly
. "
A—ha—a! I am safe O-vére! Now it is your Turn, Meester Timbre Jompre! Come on, Sabe!
"
"Fiat Experimentum," &c.
The Rector.
"
Good Morning, Mrs. Smithers. How's the Baby? Isn't it rather Early to bring him to Church? Don't you Think he'll be Restless?
"
Mrs. Smithers.
"
O, no, Sir, he'll be Quiet, Sir, which we Took him to the Methodis' Chapel last Sunday o' Purpose to Try him, Sir!
"
Irreverent.
Policeman
(
on the occasion of our "Confirmation"
). "
Stop! Stop! Go back! You mustn't come in here! We're expectin' o' the Bishop every Minute!
"
Cabby
(
fortissimo
). "
All right! Why've got the old Buffer inside!
"
Wet and Dry.
Careful Wife.
"
Are you very wet, Dear?
"
Ardent Angler
(
turning up his flask
). "
No; dry as a Lime-Kiln—haven't had a drop these Two Hours!
"
"Not so Fast!"
Old Gent.
(
soliloquising, in the Wilds of Glenmuchie
). "
Ah, well, this is very Jolly! Wealth's a great Blessing—not that I'm a Rich Man—but after the Turmoil and Worry of Business, to be able to Retire to these charming Solitudes, the Silence only Broken by the grateful Sounds of the rippling Stream ('Burn,' I mean. Ah! I nearly had him then!), and the Hum of the Bee! To be able to leave London and its tiresome Millions, and forget all the Low
——"
Voice from the Bridge
(
the ubiquitous "'Arry"
). "
Could yer 'Blige us with a Worm, Gov'nour?
"!!
Banting in the Yeomanry.
Troop-Sergeant Major.
"
It comes to this, Captain, 'a mun e'ther hev' a New Jacket or knock off one o' my Meals
!"
Something from the Provinces.
Excursionist
(
politely
). "
Can you kindly Direct me the Nearest Way to Slagley
?"
Powerful Navvy.
"
Ah can Poonch th' Head o' thee!
"
Excursionist retires hastily.
"Ways and Means."
First Country Gentleman.
"
'Mean Hunting this Winter, Charlie?
"
Second Country Gentleman
(
doubtfully
). "
'Shall try and 'Work' it.
"
First Country Gentleman.
"
How?
"
Second Country Gentleman.
"
Give up the Under-Nurse, I think.
"
Blank Firing.
Ancient Sportsman
(
whose Sight is not what it used to be
). "
Pick 'em up, James, pick 'em up! Why don't you pick 'em up?
"
Veteran Keeper.
"
'Cause there bean't any down, my Lord
!"