Chapter V

Thus Bo Peep lost her sheep, leaving these fleecy tail-bearers to come home solitary to the accustomed fold. She did but humble herself before the manifestation of a Wessex necessity.

And Fate, sitting aloft in the careless expanse of ether, rolled her destined chariots thundering along the pre-ordained highways of heaven, crushing a soul here and a life there with the tragic completeness of a steam-roller, granite-smashing, steam-fed, irresistible. And butter was churned with a twang in it, and rustics danced, and sheep that had fed in clover were "blasted," like poor Bonduca's budding prospects. And, from the calm nonchalance of a Wessex hamlet, another novel was launched into a world of reviews, where the multitude of readers is not as to their external displacements, but as to their subjective experiences.

[The End.

"The Last Straw."—For further particulars apply to the gleaners.

The Weather and the Crops.—Note. Always have your hair cut very short in the hottest weather.

Gardening Amusement for Colwell-Hatchney.—Spinning turnip tops.

Advice to the Farmer.—Keep your weather eye open.

"HINC ILLÆ LACRYIMÆ"

Master Tommy (returning from the funeral). "Why did Uncle Jonas cry so for, Aunt? He cried more than anybody!"

Aunt (grimly). "Of course! Most of the property is left to him, my dear!"

"What's that there blank space left for, Jim?"

"Why, that's for the folks as can't read!"

A YORKSHIRE GOSSIP

First Gossip. "So you was nivver axed tu t'funeral?"

Second Gossip. "Nivver as much as inside t'house. But nobbut; wait till we hev' a funeral of us own, an' we'll show 'em!"

Parson. "Why, John, what are you doing there?"

John. "I be too wet to work, zur."

Parson.. "Well, if it's too wet to work, why don't you go home?"

John. "Wull, my old 'ooman, she do jaw so!"

Young Lady. "Can you tell me the nearest way to get to Pulham from here?"

Sweep. "Well, miss, I'm going there meself. So, if yer jump in, I'll drive yer!"

First Village Dame. "Did I bring you back that basket you lent me last week?"

Second Dame (emphatically). "No, indeed, you did not."

First Dame. "That's a pity, for I just came round to borrow it again!"

Hard on the Doctor—Old Lady. "My 'usband 'e never did 'old with doctors, and 'e wouldn't let me send for yer till 'e was real bad. What's wrong with him, doctor?" Doctor. "Mainly senility, Mrs. Wilkins." Old Lady. "Lor' now! An' I dessay 'e wouldn't 'ave 'ad it if 'e'd 'ad yer soon enough!"

"There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."—Hamlet.

(Heard outside a Country Circus.)

Old Jarge. "Wen ye sees wot comes from furrin parts, bless yer 'eart, ye just feels like a bit o' dirt!"

"Did ye see the Lord Mayor when you was up to Lunnon?"

"Aye, lad, I did."

"De' 'e gang aboot wi' a chain?"

"No; 'e gangs loose!"

Miss Hobbs (who dislikes tobacco). "I see you are at your idol again!"

Smoker. "Yes; I'm burning it!"

A DRY CALLING

"Th' ole squire stop an' spoke to me this marnin'; an' Oi ast 'im 'ow Master Philip was gettin' on in Lunnon. 'Oh,' says 'e, ''e 's bin called to the Bar.' Oi dunno wot 'e meant, so Oi didn' say nothin'; but Oi says to meself, 'Ah,' Oi says, 'from what Oi remember of 'im, 'e didn' want no callin'!'"

Accommodating.—Old Lady. "Now then, what do you want?" The Tramp. "I ain't pertickler, lady. What 'av' yer got?"

The Vicar's Daughter. "Papa was very shocked, Giles, to see you standing outside the 'Green Man' this morning, after church."

The Village Reprobate. "Oi can 'sure ye, miss, it wus na fault o' moine that I wus standin' ootside!"]

"I'm surprised to find that you keep a dog, Tomkins! Why, you can barely keep your wife! What on earth do you feed him on?"

"Well, I gives 'im cat's-meat. And when I can't afford that, why, 'e 'as to 'ave wot we 'ave."

Mrs. A. "I've just been to see a poor soul who was almost dying of destitution." Miss B. "Did you take her anything?" Mrs. A. "Yes—a pound of mutton." Miss B. "That wasn't much, was it?" Mrs. A. (indignantly). "Quite enough to make her some beef tea!"

"Tell your fortune, pretty gentleman?"

"Fond of music! Why, when I'm in town, I go to a music-hall every night!"

A Sure Sign of Improvement.—Village Doctor. "Well Scroggins, I hope your wife is much better to-day, eh? How is her pulse, eh? And how's her temperature?"

Scroggins (considering). "Well, doctor, I don't know much about her pulses, but as for her temper"—(feelingly)—"she's got a plenty of that to-day!"

"THE PITY O' IT!"

"Well, Simpson, how do you like the hot weather?"

"Can't stand it, sir! It's hawful! Ain't got no stomach for my victuals, sir!"