ODE TO A DINNER-GONG
Reading edition
"The tocsin of the soul—the dinner-bell." So said, admiringly, the late Lord Byron, But he had never heard your noisy knell, O blatant bellowing thing of brass or iron, Or surely he had metrically cursed Your nerve-distracting Corybantic clangour. Would his fine indignation could have versed My utter hate, my agonising anger. Alas! is gusto then so great a sin, Is feeding man so terrible a sinner That such a worse than Duncan-raising din Must summon him to—dinner?
Down a Peg.—Mr. Gifted Hopkins (minor poet, essayist, critic, golfer, fin-de-siècle idol, &c.). "Oh, Mrs. Smart—a—I've been thinking, for the last twenty minutes, of something to say to you!" Mrs. Smart (cheerfully). "Please go on thinking, Mr. Hopkins,—and I'll go on talking to Professor Brayne in the meantime.
Past and Present.—Serious and much-married man. "My dear friend, I was astonished to hear of your dining at Madame Troisétoiles!—a 'woman with a past' you know!"
The Friend (bachelor "unattached"). "Well, you see, old man, she got a first-rate chef, so it isn't her 'past,' but her 're-past' that I care about."
A Connoisseur.—Sir Pompey Bedell. "This bottle of Romanée-conti seems rather cloudy, Brown! It ought to be all right. I know it stands me in twelve guineas a dozen!"
The New Butler. "There certainly his some sediment, Sir Pompey; but it's of no consequence whatever! I tried a bottle of it myself the other day, and found it first-rate!"
A PIOUS FRAUD!
"Hullo, Monty, what have you got in your button-hole? You don't mean to say you've joined the blue ribbon army?"
"Yes; for this night only. Going to dine with Jakes. Don't want to hurt poor old Jakes' feelings—don't want to be poisoned by his beastly wine. See?"
IN THE DAYS OF THE CRINOLINE—DINING UNDER DIFFICULTIES
Repletion.—Robert. "Pudding or cheese, sir?"
Abstracted Editor. "Owing to pressure of other matter, 'regret we are unable to find room for it!"
Brown (who has been dining at the club with Jones). "Just come in a minute, old fellow, and have a night-cap."
Jones. "I'm afraid it's getting a little late. Let's see how's the enemy."
Brown. "Oh! that's all right. She's in bed."
INNOCENTS IN THE CITY
Mrs. Fitznoodle (evidently not well versed in the delicacies of a Guildhall feast). "Freddy, dear, can you tell me what is the difference between 'calipash' and 'calipee'?"
Colonel Fitznoodle (hesitating, and looking round for an answer). "Certainly, my dear. Exactly the difference there is between 'Gog' and 'Magog'!"