MR. PUNCH IN WIG AND GOWN (continued 2)
Reading edition
AUTOMATIC ARBITRATION
No more exorbitant fees! No more law! No more trials!
Exclusion.—Policeman (at the Law Courts). “Strict orders to-day, m’m. No one to be admitted unless they’re in wig an’—that is—beg pardon, m’m—barristers, m’m—only barristers!”
Sir Joshua Dogberry. “If you meet a ticket-of-leave man, you may suspect him, by virtue of your office, to be no true man; and, for such kind of men, the less you meddle or make with them the better for your honesty.”—Much Ado about Nothing.
NEWS FROM THE LAW COURTS
Cold but in-vig-orating.
CROSSED-EXAMINATION
Old Style.—Nervous Witness about to leave the box, when his progress is arrested by Counsel on the other side.
Counsel (sharply). Now, sir, do know the value of an oath?
Witness (taken aback). Why, yes—of course.
Coun. (pointing at him). Come, no prevarication! Do you understand the value, or do you not?
Wit. (confused). If you will allow me to explain——
Coun. Come, sir, you surely can answer yes or no—now which is it?
Wit. But you will not let me explain——
Coun. Don’t be impertinent, sir! Explanation is unneeded. Mind, you have been sworn, so if you don’t know the value of an oath, it will be the worse for you.
“DEFENCE, NOT DEFIANCE”
“In these days of conflicts between counsel, I propose to make a few additions to my usual forensic costume.”—Extract from a Letter of Mr. Welnown Kaysee, K.C., to a young friend.
Wit. But you won’t let me speak.
Coun. Won’t let you speak! Why, I can’t get a word out of you. Now, sir, in plain English—are you a liar or not?
Wit. (appealing to Judge). Surely, my lord, he has no right to speak to me like this?
Judge. Be good enough to answer the counsel’s questions. I have nothing to do with it.
Coun. Now sir—once more; are you a liar, or are you not?
Wit. I don’t think that’s the way you would speak to me——
Coun. Don’t bully me, sir! You are here to tell us the truth; or as much of it as you can.
Wit. But surely you ought to——
Coun. Don’t tell me what I ought to do, sir. Again, are you a liar, or are you not?
Wit. Please tell me how I am to reply to such a question?
Coun. You are not there to ask me questions, sir, but to answer my questions to you.
Wit. Well, I decline to reply.
Judge (to Witness). Now you had better be careful. If you do not answer the questions put to you, it will be within my right to send you to gaol for contempt of court.
Coun. Now you hear what his lordship says, and now, once more, are you a liar or are you not?
Wit. (confused). I don’t know.
Coun. (to Jury). He doesn’t know! I need ask nothing further!
[Sits down.
Foreman (to Judge). May we not ask, my lord, how you consider this case is being conducted.
Judge. With pleasure, gentlemen! I will repeat what I remarked to the Master quite recently. I think the only word that will describe the matter is “noble.” Distinctly noble!
[Scene closes in upon despair of Witness.
New Style.—Arrogant Witness about to leave the box, when his progress is arrested by Counsel on the other side.
Coun. I presume, sir, that——
Wit. (sharply). You have no right to presume. Ask me what you want, and have done with it.
Coun. (amiably). I think we shall get on better—more quickly—if you kindly attend to my questions.
Wit. Think so? Well, it’s a matter of opinion. But, as I have an engagement in another place, be good enough to ask what you are instructed to ask and settle the matter off-hand.
Coun. If you will allow me to speak——
Wit. Speak!—I like that! Why, I can’t get a rational word out of you!
Coun. (appealing to Judge). Surely, my lord, he has no right to speak to me like this?
Judge. Be good enough to attend to the witness. I have nothing to do with it.
Wit. (impatiently). Now, sir, am I to wait all day?
Coun. (mildly). I really venture to suggest that is not quite the tone to adopt.
Wit. Don’t bully me, sir! I am here to answer any questions you like to put, always supposing that you have any worth answering.
Coun. But come—surely you ought to——
Wit. I am not here to learn my duty from you, sir. You don’t know your subject, sir. How long have you been called?
Coun. I decline to reply.
Judge (to Counsel). Now you had really better be careful. I wish to treat the Bar with every respect, but if you waste any more time I shall feel strongly inclined to bring your conduct before your Benchers.
Wit. You hear what his lordship says. What are you going to do next?
Coun. (confused). I don’t know.
Wit. (to Jury). He doesn’t know! I needn’t stay here any longer.
[“Stands” down.
Judge (to Jury). May I ask you, gentlemen, how you consider this case is being conducted?
Foreman of the Jury. With pleasure, my lord. We were all using the same word which exactly describes the situation. We consider the deportment of the witness “noble.” Distinctly noble.
[Scene closes in upon despair of Counsel.
Lady (solemnly). “When you see a boy always loafing round street corners, what place in life do you suppose he is fitting himself for?”
Boy. “To be a policeman, mum!”
Tomkins looking too long at the cartes de visite of the lawyers in Chancery Lane, is seized with a sudden involuntary panic. “Don’t be alarmed, my boy,” said his friend Wigsby, who happened to be passing at the time, “Your coat pockets are quite safe; we don’t do it that way!”
NOVELTY IN COIFFURES
Suitable for ladies called to the bar (as they soon will be, of course).
BARCAROLES FOR BRIEFLESS BARRISTERS
Air—“The Sea! the Sea!”
The Fee! the fee! the welcome fee! The new! the fresh! the scarce to me! Without a brief, without a pound, I travel the circuit round and round. I draw with the pens at each assize, If ink before me handy lies. I’ve got a fee! I’ve got a fee! I’ve got what I so seldom see; With the judge above, and the usher below, I wait upon the last back row. Should a silk gown come with argument deep, What matter! I can go to sleep. I love (oh, how I love) to bide At some fierce, foaming, senior’s side. When every mad word stuns the court, And the judges wish he’d cut it short, And tell him the case of So-and-So, His argument doth to atoms blow. I never hear Chancery’s dull, tame jaw, But I love the fun of the Common Law, And fly to the Exchequer, Bench and Pleas, As a mouse flies back to a Cheshire cheese! For the cheese it always seem’d to me, Especially if I got a fee! My whiskers are white, my head is bald, Since the dreary hour when I was call’d. The Steward he whistled as out he told The fees at my call from a packet of gold. And never was heard of a step so wild As took to the bar the briefless child. I’ve liv’d since then, in term and out, Some thirty years, or thereabout; Without a brief, but power to range From court to court by way of change. And death, whenever he comes to me, Will find me most likely without a fee.
A Sore Point.—First Articled Clerk. “Well how did your private theatricals go off?”
Second Ditto. “Pre’y well. My moustache went off at once, but nothing would induce the pistol to go off in the duel scene!”—(Dropping the subject.)—“How’s your mother?”
Song for the Burglar to his “Pal” who “Peached.”—“Never again with you, Robbin’.”
Suitors’ Sufferings.—As law is to rheumatism, so is equity to gout. The fusion of law and equity may be said to form the counterpart of rheumatic gout.
“Behind the Scenes.”—First Judge. “Breach of promise still running?”
Second Judge. “Going wonderfully. No standing room. “What are you doing?”
First Judge. “A building contract. Wretched business: not a soul in the place!”
A Spring Circuit.—Jumping through the hoops held for the riders round a circus.
Suitable Site for a Police “Court.”—The area.
ON CECIL STREET, STRAND
At the top of the street many lawyers abound, Below, at the bottom, the barges are found: Fly, honesty, fly to a safer retreat, For there’s craft in the river, and craft in the street.
AU REVOIR!
BRADBURY AGNEW & CO LD. PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.