A MAN OF LETTERS

ALFRED CODLING TO ANNIE PHELPS

My dear Annie,

I got into an awful funny mood lately. You’l think I’m barmy. It comes over me like late in the evenin’ when its gettin dusky. It started I think when I was in Egypt. Nearly all us chaps who was out there felt it a bit I think. When you was on sentry go in the dessert at night it was so quite and missterius. You felt you wanted to know things if you know what I mean. Since I’ve come back and settled in the saddlery again I still feel it most always. A kind of discontented funny feelin if you know what I mean. Well old girl what I mean is when we’re spliced up and settled over in Tibbelsford I want to be good for you and I want to know all about things and that. Well I’m goin to write to Mr. Weekes whose a gentleman and who lives in a private house near the church. They say he is a littery society and if it be so I’m on for joinin it. You’l think I’m barmy won’t you. It isn’t that old dear. Me that has always been content to do my job and draw my screw on Saturday and that. You’l think me funny. When you’ve lived in the dessert you feel how old it all is. You want something and you don’t know what it is praps its just to improve yourself and that. Anyway there it is and I’ll shall write to him. See you Sunday. So long, dear.

Alf.

ALFRED CODLING TO JAMES WEEKES, ESQ.

Dear Sir,

Someone tells me you are a littery society in Tibbelsford. In which case may I offer my services as a member and believe me.

Your obedient servant Alfred Codling.

PENDRED CASTAWAY (SECRETARY TO JAMES WEEKES, ESQ.) TO ALFRED CODLING.

Dear Sir,

In reply to your letter of the 27th inst. I beg to inform you that Mr. James Weekes is abroad. I will communicate the contents of your letter to him.

Yours faithfully,

Pendred Castaway.

ANNIE PHELPS TO ALFRED CODLING

My dear Alf,

You are a dear old funny old bean. What is up with you. I expeck you are just fed up. You haven’t had another tutch of the fever have you. I will come and look after you Sunday. You are a silly to talk about improvin considerin the money you are gettin and another rise next spring you say. I expeck you got fed up in the dessert and that didn’t you. I expeck you wanted me sometimes, eh? I shouldn’t think the littery society much cop myself. I can lend you some books. Cook is a great reader. She has nearly all Ethel M. Dells and most of Charles Garvice. She says she will lend you some if you promiss to cover in brown paper and not tare the edges. They had a big party here over the weekend a curnel a bishop two gentleman and some smart women one very nice she gave me ten bob. We could go to the pictures come Wednesday if agreeable. Milly is walking out with a feller over at Spindlehurst in the grossery a bit flashy I don’t like him much. Mrs. Vaughan had one of her attacks on Monday. Lord she does get on my nerves when she’s like that. Well be good and cheerio must now close. Love and kisses till Sunday.

Annie.

JAMES WEEKES, ESQ. (MALAGA, SPAIN) TO ALFRED CODLING

Dear Sir,

My secretary informs me that you wish to join our literary society in Tibbelsford. It is customary to be proposed and seconded by two members.

Will you kindly send me your qualifications?

Yours faithfully, James Weekes.

ALFRED CODLING TO ANNIE PHELPS

My dear Annie,

Please thank Cook for the two books which I am keepin rapt up and will not stain. I read the Eagles mate and think it is a pretty story. As you know dear I am no fist at explaining myself. At the pictures the other night you were on to me again about gettin on and that. It isn’t that. Its difficul to explane what I mean. I expeck I will always be able to make good money enough. If you havent been throw it you cant know what its like. Its somethin else I want if you know what I mean. To be honest I did not like the picturs the other night. I thought they were silly but I like to have you sittin by me and holding your hand. If I could tell you what I mean you would know. I have heard from Mr. Weekes about the littery and am writin off at once. Steve our foreman has got sacked for pinchin lether been goin on for yeres so must close with love till Sunday.

Alf.

ALFRED CODLING TO JAMES WEEKES, ESQ.

Dear Sir,

As regards your communication you ask what are my quallifications. I say I have no quallifications sir nevertheless I am wishful to join the littery. I will be candid with you sir. I am not what you might call a littery or eddicated man at all. I am in the saddlery. I was all throw Gallipoli and Egypt L/corporal in the 2/15th Mounted Blumshires. It used to come over me like when I was out there alone in the dessert. Prehaps sir you will understand me when I say it for I find folks do not understand me about it not even the girl I walk out with Annie Phelps, who is as nice a girl a feller could wish. Prehaps sir you have to have been throw if it you know what I mean. When you are alone at night in the dessert its all so big and quite you want to get to know things and all about things if you know what I mean sir so prehaps you will pass me in the littery.

Your obedient servant Alfred Codling.

ANNIE PHELPS TO ALFRED CODLING

Dear Alf,

You was funny Sunday. I dont know whats up with you. You never used to be that glum I call it. Is it thinking about this littery soc turnin your head or what. Millie says you come into the kitchen like a boiled oul you was. Cheer up ole dear till Sunday week.

Annie.

JAMES WEEKES, ESQ., TO ALFRED CODLING

Dear Sir,

Allow me to thank you for your charming letter. I feel that I understand your latent desires perfectly. I shall be returning to Tibbelsford in a week’s time when I hope to make your acquaintance. I feel sure that you will make a desirable member of our literary society.

Yours cordially, James Weekes.

JAMES WEEKES TO SAMUEL CHILDERS

My dear Sam,

I received the enclosed letter yesterday and I hasten to send it on to you. Did you ever read anything more delightful? We must certainly get Alfred Codling into our society. He sounds the kind of person who would make a splendid foil to old Baldwin with his tortuous metaphysics—that is, if we can only get him to talk.

Yours ever, J. W.

SAMUEL CHILDERS TO JAMES WEEKES

My dear Chap,

You are surely not serious about the ex-corporal! I showed his letter to Fanny. She simply screamed with laughter. But of course you mean it as a joke proposing him for the “littery.” Hope to see you on Friday.

Ever yours, S. C.

ALFRED CODLING TO ANNIE PHELPS

My dear Annie,

I was afraid you would begin to think I was barmy dear I always said so but you musnt take it like that. It is difficult to tell you about but you know my feelins to you is as always. Now I have to tell you dear that I have seen Mr. Weekes he is a very nice old gentlemen indeed he is very kind he says I can go to his hous anytime and read his books he has hundreds and hundreds. I have nevver seen so many books you have to have a ladder to clime up to some of them he is very kind he says he shall propose me for the littery soc and I can go when I like he ast me all about mysel and that was very kind and pleesant he told me all about what books I was to read and that so I think dear I wont be goin to the picturs Wendesday but will meet you by the Fire statesion Sunday as usual.

Your lovin Alf.

EPHRAIM BALDWIN TO JAMES WEEKES

My dear Weeks,

I’m afraid I cannot understand your attitude in proposing and getting Childers to second this hobbledehoy called Alfred Codling. I have spoken to him and I am quite willing to acknowledge that he may be a very good young man in his place. But why join a literary society? Surely we want to raise the intellectual standard of the society, not lower it? He is absolutely ignorant. He knows nothing at all. Our papers and discussions will be Greek to him. If you wanted an extra hand in your stables or a jobbing gardener well and good, but I must sincerely protest against this abuse of the fundamental purposes of our society.

Yours sincerely, Ephraim Baldwin.

FANNY CHILDERS TO ELSPETH PRITCHARD

Dear old Thing,

I must tell you about a perfect scream that is happening here. You know the Tibbelsford literary society that Pa belongs to, and also Jimmy Weekes? Well, it’s like this. Dear Old Jimmy is always doing something eccentric. The latest thing is he has discovered a mechanic in the leather trade with a soul! (I’m not sure I ought not to spell it the other way). He is also an ex-soldier and was out in the East. He seems to have become imbued with what they called “Eastern romanticism.” Anyway, he wanted to join the Society, and old Weekes rushed Pa into seconding him, and they got him through. And now a lot of the others are up in arms about it—especially old Baldwin—you know, we call him “Permanganate of Potash.” If you saw him you’d know why, but I can’t tell you. I have been to two of the meetings specially to observe the mechanic with the soul. He is really quite a dear. A thick-set, square-chinned little man with enormous hands with a heavy silver ring on the third finger of his left, and tattoo marks on his right wrist. He sits there with his hands spread out on his knees and stares round at the members as though he thinks they are a lot of lunatics. The first evening he came the paper was on “The influence of Erasmus on modern theology,” and the second evening “The drama of the Restoration.” No wonder the poor soul looks bewildered. He never says a word. How is Tiny? I was in town on Thursday and got a duck of a hat. Do come over soon.

Crowds of love, Fan.

JAMES WEEKES TO ALFRED CODLING

My dear Codling,

I quite appreciate your difficulty. I would suggest that you read the following books in the order named. You will find them in my library:

Jevon’s “Primer of Logic,”

Welton’s “Manual of Logic,”

Brackenbury’s “Primer of Psychology,” and

Professor James’ “Text book of Psychology.”

Do not be discouraged!

Sincerely yours, James Weekes.

ANNIE PHELPS TO ALFRED CODLING

Dear Alf,

I dont think you treat me quite fare You says you are sweet on me and that and then you go on in this funny way It isnt my falt that you got the wind up in Egypt I dont know what you mean by all this I wish the ole littery soc was dead and finish. Cook say you probibly want a blue pill you was so glum Sunday. Dont you see all these gents and girls and edicated coves are pullin youre leg if you dont know what they talkin about and that Your just makin a fule of yourself and then what about me you dont think of me its makin me a fule too. Milly says she wouldent have no truck with a book lowse so there it is.

Annie.

ALFRED CODLING TO JAMES WEEKES, ESQ.

Dear Sir,

I am much oblidged to you for puttin me on them books It beats me how they work up these things. I’m afeard I’m not scollard enough to keep the pace with these sayins and that. Its the same with the littery I lissen to the talk and sometimes I think Ive got it and then no. Sometimes I feels angry with the things said I know the speakers wrong but I cant say I feel they wrong but I dont know what to say to say it. Theres some things to big to say isnt that sir. Im much oblidged to you sir for what you done Beleive me I enjoy the littery altho I most always dont know the talk I know who are the rite ones and who are the rong ones If you have been throw what I have been throw you would know the same sir Beleive me your

obedient servant Alfred Codling.

EPHRAIM BALDWIN TO EDWIN JOPE, SECRETARY TO THE TIBBELSFORD LITERARY SOCIETY

Dear Jope,

For my paper on the 19th prox. I propose to discuss “The influence of Hegelism on modern psychology.”

Yours ever,

Ephraim Baldwin.

EDWIN JOPE TO EPHRAIM BALDWIN

Dear Mr. Baldwin,

I have issued the notices of your forthcoming paper. The subject, I am sure, will make a great appeal to our members, and I feel convinced that we are in for an illuminating and informative evening. With regard to our little conversation on Wednesday last, I am entirely in agreement with you with regard to the quite inexplicable action of Weekes in introducing the “leather mechanic” into the society. It appears to me a quite superfluous effrontery to put upon our members. We do not want to lose Weekes but I feel that he ought to be asked to give some explanation of his conduct. As you remark, it lowers the whole standard of the society. We might as well admit agricultural labourers, burglars, grooms and barmaids, and the derelicts of the town. I shall sound the opinion privately of other members.

With kind regards, Yours sincerely, Edwin Jope.

ANNIE PHELPS TO ALFRED CODLING

All right then you stick to your old littery. I am sendin you back your weddin ring you go in and out of that place nevver thinkin of me Aunt siad how it would be you goin off and cetterer and gettin ideas into your head what do you care I doant think you care at all I expeck you meet a lot of these swell heads there men and women and you get talkin and thinkin you someone All these years you away I wated for you faithfull I never had a thowt for other fellers and then you go on like this and treat me in this way Aunt says she wouldn’t put up and Milly says a book lowse is worse than no good and so I say goodby and thats how it is now forever You have broken my hart

Anne.

ANNIE PHELPS TO ALFRED CODLING

I cried all nite I didndt mean quite all I says you know how I mene dear Alf if you was only reesonible I doant mind you goin the littery if you eggsplain yourself For Gawds sake meet me tonight by the fire stachon and eggsplain everything.

Your broke hearted Anne.

JAMES WEEKES TO SAMUEL CHILDERS

My dear Sam,

I hope Harrogate is having the desired effect upon you. I was about to say that you have missed few events of any value or interest during your absence, but I feel I must qualify that statement. You have missed a golden moment. The great Baldwin evening has come and gone and I deplore the fact that you were not there. My sense of gratification, however, is not due to Ephraim himself but to my unpopular protégé and white elephant—Alfred Codling. I tell you it was glorious! Ephraim spoke for an hour and a half, the usual thing, a dull réchauffée of Schopenhauer and Hegel, droning forth platitudes and half-baked sophistries. When it was finished the chairman asked if anyone else wished to speak. To my amazement my ex-lance-corporal rose heavily to his feet. His face was brick red and his eyes glowed with anger. He pointed his big fingers at Ephraim and exclaimed: “Yes, talk, talk, talk—that’s all it is. There’s nothing in it at all!” and he hobbled out of the room (you know he was wounded in the right foot). The position, as you may imagine, was a little trying. I did not feel in the mood to stay and make apologies. I hurried after Codling. I caught him up at the end of the lane. I said, “Codling, why did you do that?” He could not speak for a long time, then he said: “I’m sorry, sir. It came over me like, all of a sudden.” We walked on. At the corner by Harvey’s mill we met a girl. Her face was wet—there was a fine rain pouring at the time. They looked at each other these two, then she suddenly threw out her arms and buried her face on his chest. I realized that this was no place for me and I hurried on. The following morning I received the enclosed letter. Please return it to me.

Yours ever, James.

ALFRED CODLING TO JAMES WEEKES

Dear Sir,

Please to irrase my name from the littery soc. I feel I have treated you bad about it but there it is. I apologize to you for treatin you bad like this that is all I regret You have always been kind and pleesant to me lendin me the books and that. I shall always be grateful to you for what you have done. It all came over me sudden like last night while that chap was spoutin out about what you call physology. I had never heard tell on the word till you put me on to it and now they all talk about it. I looked it up in the diction and it says somethin about the science of mind and that chap went on spoutin about it. I had quarrel with my girl we had nevver quarrel before and I was very down abowt it. She is the best girl a feller could wish and I have always said so. Somehow last night while he was spoutin on it came over me sudden I thowt of the nights I had spent alone in the dessert when it was all quite and missterous and big. I had been throw it all sir. I had seen my pals what was alive one minnit blown to peices the next. I had tramped hundreds of miles and gone without food and watter. I had seen hell itsel sir And when you are always with death like that sir you are always so much alive You are alive and then the next minnit you may be dead and it makes you want to feel in touch like with everythin You cant hate noone when you like that You think of the other feller over there whose thinkin like you are prehaps and he all alone to lookin up the blinkin stars and it comes over you that its only love that holds us all together love and nothin else at all My hart was breakin thinkin of Annie what I had treated so bad and what I had been throw and he went on spoutin and spoutin What does he know about physology You have to had been very near death to find the big things thats what I found out and I couldnt tell these littery blokes that thats why I lost my temper and so please to irrase me from the soc They cant teach me nothen that matters I’ve seen it all and I cant teach them nothen because they havent been throw it What I have larnt is sir that theres somethin big in our lives apart from getting on and comfits and good times and so sir I am much oblidged for all you done for me and except my appology for the way I treat you

Your obedient servant, Alfred Codling.

JAMES WEEKES TO EDWIN JOPE

Dear Jope,

In reply to your letter, I cannot see my way to apologize or even dissociate myself with the views expressed by Mr. Alfred Codling at our last meeting, consequently I must ask you to accept my resignation.

Yours very truly, James Weekes.

SAMUEL CHILDERS TO EDWIN JOPE

Dear Jope,

Taking into consideration all the circumstances of the case, I must ask you to accept my resignation from the Tibbelsford Literary Society.

Yours faithfully, S. Childers.

ANNIE PHELPS TO ALFRED CODLING

My dear Alf,

Of course its all right. I am all right now dear Alf I will try and be a good wife to you I amnt clever like you with all your big thowts and that but I will and be a good wife to you Aunt Em is goin to give us that horses-hair and mother says therell be tweanty-five pounds comin to me when Uncle Steve pegs out and he has the dropsie all right already What do you say to Aperil if we can git that cottidge of Mrs. Plummers mothers See you Sunday

love from

x x x x x x x x x x

Annie.

EPHRAIM BALDWIN TO EDWIN JOPE

Dear Mr. Jope,

As no apology has been forthcoming to me from any quarter for the outrageous insult I was subjected to on the occasion of my last paper, I must ask you to accept my resignation.

Yours faithfully, Ephraim Baldwin, O.B.E.

ALFRED CODLING TO ANNIE PHELPS

My dear Anne,

You will be please to hear they made me foreman this will mean an increas and so on I think April; will be alright Mr. Weekes sent me check for fifty pounds to start farnishin but I took it back I said no I could not accep it havin done nothin to earn it and treatin him so bad over that littery soc but he said yes and he put it in such a way that I accep after all so we shall be alright for farnishin at the present He was very kind and he says we was to go to him at any time and I was to go on readin the books he says I shall find good things in them but not the littery soc he says he has left it hisself I feel I treated him very bad but I could not stand that feller spoutin and him nevver havin been throw it like what I have That dog of Charly’s killed one of Mrs. Reeves chickens Monday so must now close till Sunday with love from

Your soon husband (dont it sound funny?)

Alf.

EDWIN JOPE TO WALTER BUNNING

Dear Sir,

In reply to your letter I beg to say that the Tibbelsford Literary Society is dissolved.

Yours faithfully, E. Jope.