SCENE II. Coquettina’s Cottage.

Coquettina discovered looking at herself in a glass on L. wall. Arm chair with cover on, R. Cupboard, R. Door, L. Barrel against wall, L. Table with cover, C., candle burning on table.

Coq. There, that will do, that’s quite enough my dear.

Oh, Coquettina, you’re a flirt, I fear.

You naughty, naughty girl to act this way.

Ah! you’ll be very sorry, Miss, some day.

(Comes down.)

I’m sure it’s not my fault. What can one do?

I dote on officers, and I’ve now got two.

The Captain’s not amiss; a handsome face!

And such a uniform! Oh, I love gold lace.

His pay’s so small—it’s not a bit of use.

But then the General’s such a dear—old goose.

He’s rather short and fat, and slightly lazy,

His conversation’s small; style, lackadaisy.

Still, who for general conversation cares?

Ah, stay, I hear him puffing up the stairs.

24(Seats herself hurriedly in chair, L., at back, and pretends to be asleep. Rap heard at door, L., repeated twice. General Bounce puts his head carefully into room.)

G. B. What, not at home! (Comes down.)

These parlours in the sky

Are much like houses in Soho, so high.

I’m out of breath, and she’s out too, it’s clear,

I’ve had my climb for nothing. (Sees Coquettina.)

(Approaching her) Ah, she’s here!

My dainty duck! my lamb, my tender chicken!

The cherries on those lips are worth the pickin’.

I must take one, though she may fume and flounce,

She’ll not object as Mrs. General Bounce.

(is about to kiss her, she starts up.)

Coq. Ah, General! It’s you?

G. B. (confused) I’m looking for—

Coq. your gout?

A taste of something good and nice,

Ah, stout?

I see it’s up, (Looking at him meaningly.)

You’d better take it down,

(Points to door.)

Gen. B. Now what a tease you are! Come, do not frown.

Don’t, Coquettina, of my love make light.

You leant upon my arm quite hard last night.

Say you’ll be mine, come, Coquettina, do!

I am a single man.

25Coq. You’re big enough for two.

I’ve only one objection.

Gen. B. What is that?

Pray lean on me for life.

Coq. Lean! why, you’re fat!

Gen. B. Call me not lean, but say I’m buxom, plump.

I am no scare-crow, made to run and jump.

To tell the truth, I like to take my ease,

I’m not a skipper with a load of (f) “lees.”

Oh, that this too, too solid flesh would melt

To less than sixty inches round the belt!

Coq. You can’t help that, ’tis you.

Gen. B. Well then, suppose

My tissue is inclined to adipose.

You couldn’t add a pose with all that tissue.

’Twould be a poser if I were to kiss you.

Coq. Why what’s possest the man? I’d like to see you!

Gen. B. Well, so you shall. Here goes! (He attempts

to chase her around stage, she easily eludes

him. Knock heard at door.)

Coq. Oh, dear, oh, dear!

Mamma’s come back! Quick, General, get in here.

(pushes him into cupboard, R. Business, he not liking to go in. Rap again.)

Meet me beneath the haunted tree to-morrow.

26Gen. B. Adieu!

Coq. Pray go!

Gen. B. This parting’s such sweet sorrow.

(He goes into cupboard, crush of broken glass heard. He puts his head out again.)

I’ve sat upon your glasses!

Coq. Take it easy.

My absence won’t be long.

Gen. B. (Sniffs about cupboard.) Your scents are cheesy.

(Exit into cupboard. She runs to door and opens it. Enter Capt. Pounce. She curtseys, and looks down demurely. He comes front, twirling his moustache.)

Capt. P. So this is where you live, child, is it, weally?

You’re up amongst the clouds here.

Coq. Yes, Sir, nearly.

Capt. P. (Gallantly) For such a chewub quite a pwoper place.

(Aside.) Upon my word, a vewy pwetty face!

(Looks out of window at R.)

And what a view! All twees and sheep in flocks,

And wolling waves awound those wugged wocks.

(She is standing by him as he speaks the last words. He puts arm round her waist.)

Coq. That’s not a “wugged wock.” Don’t let it trouble you,

But have you such a thing as a spare W?

27Capt. T. Oh, weally, pon my life, you’re vewy pwetty.

Coq. I thank you kindly, Sir.

Capt. P. And weally witty.

Yes. If I’d got some place to which to cawwy you,

Upon my word I’d weally like to mawwy you.

Coq. (Aside) The darling! He’s a man a girl can love.

Capt. T. (Looking on ground.) I fear I’ve lost it now.

Coq. Your heart?

Capt. P. My glove.

(Loud sneezing from cupboard.)

What’s that?

Coq. The ginger beer has burst a bottle.

Capt. P. It sounded vewy like a human thwottle!

(Rap heard at door.)

Coq. Ah, here’s mamma! quick, hide in this, now, see!

(Puts him into barrel. Business.)

To-morrow meet me by the haunted tree.

(Throws cloth over top of barrel.)

I’ll have such fun to-morrow for an hour.

Capt. P. (Rising.) Look here, I say, this bawwel’s full of flour!

(She runs to him, forces him back and puts coverlet on again. Rap again. She goes to door and opens it.)

28(Enter Rooster the Audacious, a big bundle of papers tied with red tape, under his arm.)

Roos. Miss Coquettina, is your Ma’ within?

(Pulls out enormous watch from fob pocket.)

I’ve twenty minutes left to woo and win.

Coq. To woo and win! Upon my word that’s funny!

Rooster. Business is business, Miss, and time is money.

All night I sat up on affairs of State.

I had to shave the King at half-past eight.

At nine to black his boots and brush his hair.

By ten, as President, I took the chair

Of the Society for Reforming Cats—

R. S. R. C. At twelve I sat on “Hats.”

Coq. Hats!

Roos. Yes, and hatters, ’twas a much felt question.

At one I had some lunch, and—indigestion.

At two I had to meet a deputation—

“Was it, or was it not, good for the nation

That folks should be allowed beef with their mustard,”

It was a serious matter.

Coq. Were you flustered?

Roos. Oh, not at all, I said—If they could get it.

At two ’twas going on.

Coq. So’s time.

Roos. Well, let it!

Till eight—three meetings; a foundation stone.

29Then dressed the King for dinner; had my own.

Came here to pop the question—Will you wed?

I must get back to put the King to bed.

Say yes or no.

Coq. You’d better ask mamma.

(Rap at door.)

Not now! Some other time!

Roos. Yes! Now!

Coq. No!

Roos. Bah!

Coq. She may be angry. Get beneath the table.

Please. To oblige me. (loud rap.)

Roos. Well, if I am able.

(Gets under table.) I must confess I feel how ill you treat me.

Coq. To-morrow, by the haunted tree you’ll meet me.

(Goes to door and open it. Enter G. King. She curtseys. He chucks her under chin.)

Gnome King. Well, lass, your pretty face I’ve long been missing.

You’ve got a kiss I hope—

Coq. (Coquettishly.) It’s always kissing.

Just like a man! He always misses kisses.

G. King. It’s very hard a man can’t kiss his misses.

I’ll have your little head chopped off, Miss! Pray

Don’t make me angry! One! two! three! Away!

30Coq. Well, if you must, you must then; Take it, There!

(She turns back of head to him as he is about to kiss her.)

What did it taste of eh Sir?

G. King. Hay? No! Hare!

Coq. Of course! It’s all my own.

G. King. Oh, game you’re making!

Coq. Oh, not at all, Sir, I don’t go hay raking.

G. King. A kiss I’ll have!

(Runs after her, catches her, and is going to kiss her, when loud rap is heard at door.)

Coq. Mamma!

G. King. I’d like to choke her.

Coq. Dear me! She’s awful with the kitchen poker!

You’d better hide, Sir.

G. King. Where? (Runs to cupboard.)

Coq. No, no! (he runs towards barrel.)

Not there! (He runs to table.)

I have it! Here! pretend to be a chair.

(She takes cover off chair and puts it over him with arms extended so that he looks like a chair.)

There! Now you’re safe, you need’nt now be daunted.

Meet me to-morrow by the tree that’s haunted.

(Goes to door, opens it and looks out.)

What! no one here? how strange! who can it be?

31Perhaps I’d better go outside and see.

(Goes outside. The “Fairy of the Forest” steps in and closes door.)

Fairy. Ah, Coquettina! oh, you naughty child!

In spite of all I’ve said, you will be wild.

All right, Miss, I have such a rod in pickle!

But first these gentlemen in here I’ll tickle.

(Blows out candle. Stage darkens. She goes to cupboard and raps gently, then to barrel, then to table, then to chair, and steps to back of stage. All four come out and grope in the dark, avoiding each other. They speak in whispers.)

Gen. B. Here, Coquettina!

Capt. T. Deawest!

Rooster. Where are you?

King. Come to my arms, my Coquettina, do!

(They all get into a circle in front of stage, each holding a hand of the other. The fairy laughs, claps her hands, and fairies enter with lanterns hung at the end of their wands. Stage lights up. Quick curtain.)

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