Front matter (continued 2)

XXX.

OATS.

Munny has dun one thing fur the world that no thing else could hav did so well—it has developed the phools.

The best kind ov advice fur me tew foller is this: "Pay tew the order ov Josh Billings 50 dollars and charge mi akount—John Burch." I had rather hav 10 Dollars ov this kind ov advice than six hundred in Christian consolashun; there is more sassage in it.

Although mankind worship wealth, I will give them credit fur one thing—they seldom mistake it fur brains.

Most aul the grate things hav bin did by taking the chances. Prudence has but one eye, while fortune has a thousand.

If a man has 2 stummuks and 2 outsides, thare might be sum excuse fur adding 10 thousand dollars more each year tew his pile.

I don't read enny boddy else's poetry but Homer's, upon the same principle that i alwus drink, when it is just as handy, out ov a spring, instead ov the outlet.

Treason is one ov them kind ov stains that wash well.

If a man has got tew be poor aul his life, I aint sure but it would be sum munny in his pocket tew be ignorant.

Fust class virtu is alwus anxus tew avoid temptashun.

Yu kant transplant a Yaukee suckcessfully without taking up a good deal ov the sile with the roots.

Originality in writing is as diffikult as gitting a fishpole by the side ov a trout brook—aul the good poles hav bin cut long ago.

It is easy enuff tew git religion, but tew hold it is what bothers a fellow. A good grip is better than rubis—yea! than mutch fine cotten cloth.

I enjoy a good laff—one that rushes out ov a man's soul like the breaking up ov a Sunday school; but a laff that cums tew the surface, as the hickucks cum, or backs out ov a man, like the struggles ov a chicken choked with a chunk ov haff wet dough, i utterly lament.

Thare aint no poetry in poverty, but enny number ov feet ov blank verse.

When a fellow knows he is being stared at, it makes him act as unnatral as though he wos setting fur his picktur.

I am called a "broad humorist," and i am glad ov it: thare is plenty ov narrow humorists in the country without me.

Enny man who will kompell a woman tew make a shirt fur 20 cents, ought tew be filled full ov fish-hooks and be used for bait tew ketch other sharks with.

Silence is one ov the negativ virtews.

XXXI.

WATERFALLS.

I rather like waterfalls.

I kant tell why, enny more than I kan tell why I love kastor ile—but kastor ile is good for a lazyness in the system.

I don't like laziness ov no sort—not even in muskeeters.

I want my muskeeters lively.

But aul this iz foreign tew mi purposs.

I like waterfalls—they are so eazy and natural.

They attack all the sex.

Some they attack with grate fury, while others they approach more like a siege, working up slowly.

I saw one yesterday.

It want no bigger than a small French turnup.

It had attaked a small woman ov only 9 summers duration.

She waz full ov recreation, and when she bounded along the sidewalk the waterfall highsted up and down in an ossillating manner, resembling mutch the sportive terminus ov a bob-tailed lamb, in a grate hurry.

The effeck was purely eclectick.

I also saw another one pretty soon, which belonged tew a mature matron.

She might hav saw 75 summers; her hair waz white az flour (Perkins "A," worth 15 dollars a barrell, delivered); but the waterfall was black.

I asked a bystander how he could account for that.

He said "it waz younger."

I also saw another one pretty soon, which waz the property ov a gusher.

She was about 19 years old, and waz az ripe az a 2 year peach.

She swept the streets like a thing of life.

Men stopped to gaze az she pazsed, and put in a new chew ov tobacco.

Little boys pocketed their marbles in silence.

Her waterfall waz about the size ov a corn-basket turned inside out.

It waz inklozed in a common skap net, and kivered with blazing dimonds ov glass.

It shone in the frisky sun like the tin dome on the Court House, whare the supervizors meet.

But i rather like waterfalls.

It haz bin sed that they would run out, but this i think iz a error, for they don't show no leak yet.

In the language of the expiring Canadian, on our northern frontier, I say—"Vive la Bag-a-tale."

XXXII.

POLITENESS.

I hav looked into the philosophy ov politeness, with grate fierceness, and see the thing in the followin light:

Ginowine politeness is a nice mixture ov vanity and good natur, invigerated bi virtue, and chastened bi policy.

It will take a man along slikly, whose money and impudence, and even religion, singly, would git stuck.

Nobody can stand, without quailing, before a broadside ov ginowine politeness; it will make even a Pawnee Injun grow limber.

It mite not save a man from gitting kicked bi a mule, but it would save him from gitting near enuff tew git kicked.

Thare is one other compound in ginowine perliteness, which gives it terrifick force, and that is deference.

Deference will win oftener than double sixes.

If you want tew beat a man out ov his opinyun, let him hav his own way till you cum tew the forks in the road, then you kan take him jist which road you please.

I am not prepared tew call deference always a virtue, bekause it may exist, and only be an art, or stratagem.

If it is natural, it quite often degenerates into servility, and if artifishall, it merges into fraud, or cunning. Love without deference, is nothing more than a raid.

The deference that exists between equals, (altho pleasant tew look upon,) is not alwus flatterin tew think about; lions are necessarily polite tew each other, but when lions bekum polite tew the lams, then will deference reveal its true sublimity.

Thare is 2 kinds of politeness, the ripe, and the too mutch ripe politeness; a goose has a grate deal ov this last kind ov politeness; i have seen them lower their heds while going into a barn door, that was 18 foot high.

Josh Billings.

XXXIII.

DREAMS.

If yu are handsum, cultivate yure boots; if yu are hoamly, hoe yure branes.

"Shut Nu Ingland out in the cold!"—i should as soon think ov shutting the cold out ov Nu England.

I luv tu meet an old feller ov 70 on the rode, hanging on tu a pare ov trotters. Old fellers! don't give up yure pull, till yure obliged tew.

Thare ain't mutch virgin virtchew in this world; it is purty mutch aul Magdalen.

The trew province ov economy is tu see how mutch munny we kan liv the clussest on.

The sudden ritch quite often find themselfs in the same ficks that mullatters are—just above what they started from, and just belo what they started for.

He who draws his experience from the past iz alwus a man, and he who draws his experience from the futur iz always a child.

If yu kant git good clothes and eddicashun too, git the clothes.

Say "How are ye" tew everyboddy.

If yu argy, alwus git beet.

XXXIV.

JOSH CORRESPONDS.

Jenkins—Yure letter is full ov very foolish questions, but sum ov them are worth answering.

I kant tell whether dogs are born with a bob-tail on them, or whether they ain't, but i am inclined tew think they am.

I think they am, bekause I never see enny dogs' tails laying around loose, without enny dog to them.

But thare is one thing that bothers me too, and that is, i kant see why it aint just as easy for a dog tew be born with a whole tail on him as with a bob piece, when he is about it; still, if the dog has got tew be skant sumwhare, perhaps it is good judgment tew take it oph on the longest end.

The more we sarch these things, Jenkins, the more curerisser they am.

Natur don't dew ennything without sum good reason of her own. If she raises a bob-tailed dog, she don't dew it for fun, but for the dog's welfair; perhaps the dog, if he had bin borned with a whole tail, might hav had it bit oph by a sheep or sumthing.

So yu see, Jenkins, thare is figureing in aul these things.

As i told yu in mi last letter, you must study natur and wisdum more, and then yu won't hav tew ask so menny phoolish questions.

A bob-tailed dog aint half so apt tew hav the tiphus fever as a long-tailed dog is—this stands tew reason.

A long-tailed dog kan wag more than a bob-tailed dog kan; but wagging ov aul kinds, is about played out.

If i should ever git able tew keep a dog, i should selekt a bob-tailed one, for two reasons. One is, yu git more dog and less tail; and the other is, thare aint no good place for the boys tew hitch a tin pail onto them behind.

I had rather have one bob-tailed dog, if he was ever so small, than tew hav six long-tailed ones, if they was ever so big. I might not be so ritch, but i could invest the other 5 dogs in bank stock, which would be better than nothing.

Thare is one thing, Jenkins, yu, nor no other man ever see, with the naked eye, and that is a long-tailed dog that didn't hav fleas on him.

If yu want to hang up a dog by the tail, I am reddy tew allow that the long-tailed ones are the handyest—but the best way, ennyhow, to hang a dog, is by the neck.

In my next letter tew yu I will tell yu sum more news about dogs, but in the mean time yu must prop yure eyes open, and keep up a devil ov a thinking, and wisdum, by-and-by, will cum and sit on yu, and tell yu awl about it, which ov the two is the most necessary, the bob, or the long-tailed dog.

That part ov yure letter, in which yu ask me about Herring, iz full ov very young and half-biled questions, sum ov which are tew easy tew spend enny time answering; but thare is sum ov them more tuff, which I may as well split up for yu now as enny time.

Herring is a small fish that lives in schools. They are used as vittles, and resemble, very mutch, when they are cooked, a paper ov stewed pins. They are cooked by being tanned in the smoke, and then are et raw. They are generally served up with crackers and water. Crackers and herring are as free from moisture as Daball's arithmetick, and will keep without spileing, as long as the rule ov 3.

They are handy tew eat; you kan eat them on a run, or not, just as yu hav a mind to.

Thare is one thing very awful about a herring; they hav got but one bowell, and that is about the sise ov a chalk line when it is stretched tight; this gives their stummuks a penurious look.

Bones is what a herring has the most ov; they are as full ov bone as a rat's tail.

Yu ask me, "if the herrin and sturgin are the same fish?" This question beats enny one i ever heard ov its sise; a child 2 hours old knows better than that.

Jenkins, yu will either hav tew be born agin, or else pull oph yure shoes and run out tew grass one summer, before yu will kno mutch.

Nimrod—I will write yu more at length after sheep-shearing, and will merely suggest now that yu hav got rong noshuns about mankind in general. Mankind in general is as oncertin as a wasp's nest, and wants as mutch cluss watching as a mule's hind legg.

I hav got so poor an opinion ov mankind in general (as far as i hav got) that if i was in a destitute condishun i would rather trust tew mi luck than tew my virtue for sunbeams.

In relation tew that chunk ov skripture which yu ask me about, "Be yee as wise as a sarpient, but harmless as a deer," don't mistake it for a dose of catnip tea or herb drink; it warn't meant for a weak prescription; it is a kind ov iron-klad missionary ship, and means sharp work, on the sly.

Yure idee about the friendship ov the world is 4 miles tew leeward ov the channel; friendship is like the magnetic needle, thare is certin causes that will make it vary sideways sumtimes, but when it settles down tew stiddy work it alwus pints tew the pole—and the fellow that owns the needle owns the pole.

And as for human happiness, Nimrod, don't hunt for it, and yu may acksidentally cum across sum ov it. Hunting happiness is a good deal like hunting crows; when yu haint got yure gun with yu, yu kan alwas git a grate deal nearer tew the crows.

XXXV.

NUZE CUTS FROM OUR EXCHANGES.

The "Shanghi Dispatch" advertises for "a Devil, not over 14 years ov good moral karacter.—References exchanged.—The young Devil will be expekted tew board with his father, espeshily during the cold weather."

The "Nevada Brick" says, "thare will be a total eklips of the moon, next month, visibel with the naked eye, only tew the subskribers ov the "Brick." Send in your subskriptions for the year at onst."

The "Mock Turtle Bulletin" learns "that onions in his lokality won't be more than half a crop, owing tew the number ov akers sewed, and the small size of the seed," and advises hiz patrons "tew lay in their assyfedity now, for the winter, while it iz low."

The "Mohunk Ledger" "highsts the name ov John tyler, solitary and alone, for the next president, and gives hiz reasons."—(We doubt the polisy of this nominashun, for he haz bin run into the ground onse already.)

The "Mutton Hollow Day Book & People's Register" thus reports the acksident, ov a moral karacter, on the Peuterville railroad. "The konduktor ov the 10.15 train going east, when he got tew the end ov his route, had 19 dollars he couldn't account for. This iz the fust acksident ov the kind, ever diskovered on the road, and we kan assure the traveling publik, will probably be the last."

The "Reedsburgh Journal" "learns from good authority, that the wife ov a laborer, in that vicinity, gave birth tew six fine healthy children," and then adds, "but not awl tew onst."

The "Olive Branch" a black republikan sheet, sez, "the grasshoppers, having et up everything green thing in our naberhood, hav pitched onto things blue, sech az whetstones, and demokrats, and are dieing oph bi the thousands, in consequentz."

The "Oakville Banner" don't beleave in the above akount, and adds, "the fackt that the editor of the "Olive Branch" still lives, iz proof enuff that the green things aint all destroyed yet."

In the colums of the "Weekly Bred" of date Oct. 16, we see it announced, that "the sorrel Hen ov deakon Abijeir Phillips lade an egg which weighed, after it waz kold, 7 pounds with an affidavit tew it, before Square Sturgiss, justis of peace." And then the editor goes on to say, "the hen haz bin dewing better ever sinse."—(We should think it would be hard work for her tew do mutch better.)

The "Monthly Reckord" learns, thru her country correspondent, "that the maple sugar krop will be bigger next year, than for the last 90 years, and that we shall have a dreadful hard winter, for the geese are getting reddy; he never knu them so tuff tew bile, as they are this fall."

The "Perary Flower" cums tew us with a long and Abel artikle on punkin pize. The editor sez, "he waz early from konnekticut, and waz born on punkin pi, and would be willing tew die on them almost, with nutmeg in them. He remembers distinktly, how hiz grate grandmother used tew mix them up, and how he used tew dip into the mix, on the sli." He further winds up bi saying, "that it iz az natural for a yankee tew stand on a punkin pi, az it iz for a setter dorg tew sett on a woodcock, or a Frenchman tew point on a frog's hind legs." (I agree with this feller fully; i waz onse from Nu England myself, and punkin pize waz the fust real sass ov mi boyhood, and at this late time ov day, seems to be the principle swivel in the chain, that binds me tew the land whare basswood punkin seeds, and wooden nutmegs, are grown only for exportation.)

XXXVI.

DEAD BEATS.

No man ever jumps az fur az he kan, but once.

If the wicked really stand on slippery places, the best thing the rightyus kan do is to keep oph from the ice.

Thare is no religion in simply travelling 4 miles an hour, nor enny actual sin in a 2.40 gate.

"Position is everything;" position of a comma, for instanse. "Thare is a divinity that shapes our ends rough, hew them as we will."

If I was called upon to say how I thought the Devil looked and ackted, i should kompare him to the man who sells rum by the glass, and never drinks enny himself.

Wits are like hornets,—they hav but few intimates.

Thiefs are remarkabel for their taking ways;

Ragmen for their light weighs;

Dairymaids for their sweet wheys;

Boston for her byways.

Courting,—home on a furlough.

I maid up mi mind, more than 6 months ago, that this world wa'n't made for phools; and when i see a man determined tew go to the devil, i generly let him went.

Crippels ar always cross; thay ar nature's libels. I konsider marrying for money no better than stealing it.

I hav seen sum awful bad throte disseases completely cured in 3 days by simply jineing a temprance sosiety.

A pun, tew be irresistable, don't ought to flavor ov malis aforethought; but wants tew cum sudden and apt, like a rat out ov his hole.

How menny men thare is who argy, just as a bull dus, chained tew a post; they beller and paw, but they kant git away from the post.

Monuments are poor investments—the bad don't deserve them, and the good don't need them.

Thare is a grate menny stricktly honnest folks in this world; they wouldn't take a cent from enny man that didn't belong tew them, nor giv enny man a cent that didn't belong to them.

I consider cerimony principally an effort ov vanity, or a kind ov fashionable golden rule, which stimulates folks to do unto others as they would hav others do unto them.

Criticks are generally self-made men, and often poor jobs at that.

Thare is one happiness in me that haint grone an hour older sinst it was born, and that is—the fun of the thing.

The heathens worship wood and stone; christians worship Nevada bricks.

It ain't no credit tew a cow to giv a pail full ov milk, and then kick it over—nor any other man.

XXXVII.

SPRING—MAY, 1868.

Spring has cum.

She has bin on the road about a month.

I am glad she has cum, on account ov the grass.

The grass waz beginning tew get oneasy about it.

I hope the cows will eat sum grass forthwithly, so as tew lower down the price ov butter.

Butter has got tew be sassy. 55 cents a pound! Who in thunder ever seed butter so high before?

A feller has got tew go up garret now, tew spread his bread, and then stand on tip-tose tew eat it.

Evrything is hi now!

Dandelion greens has riz; i bought a bushel yesterday, and pade 4 dollars fur it. i wanted a mess, and mi wife sed it was jist like me, bought 6 times tew mutch. i told her tew dry what she didn't want tew bile: they would go good next winter on bukwheat slap-jacks.

She stuk up her nose and slammed the door; but she loves me for aul that, better than enny other woman dus.

As i sed before, spring has cum.

Mi hart begins tew kick up her heels, and i feel a limberness in my soul; i think i must be thawin out.

I hav a nateral gift for spring melankolly.

I luv tew hear a robin sing; it is as sweet as sadness.

I luv tew prokure a violet as soon as i can, each year; there is such a mild impediment in their butiful fases; thay put me in mind ov an orfan child, that has strayed oph into a dell and sot down tew cri.

As i sed before, i am glad spring has cum, on akount ov the new bunnets.

And altho butter and dandelion greens are condem hi, my wife ses spring bunnits is real cheep, (and she knos,) she can get a decent one fur 48 dollars, without enny trimmins.

I am real glad that one ov the necessaries ov life ain't onreasonable.

Potatose and korn beef and ri flour and other luxuries is hi, and i don't kno, fackt, but they ought tew be. If folks will hanker after sich things, let them pay for them.

I am satisfied—Spring has cum, and bunnits are dog reasonable.

Josh Billings.

XXXVIII.

HARTES.

Sum hartes is trumps.

The little child's harte has a host ov shaddery things in it, fairy ghostesses, in the distanse, without mutch form,—in the fore-ground, tops, and marbles, rag dolls, and sweet whissels; christmas, with the little old esquire in his tights, and frisky span, loaded with wares for a baby market; dreams without enny meaning, little jelosys, little hopes and curious fears,—strange invoice, but life's capital, in which sleep giants and pigmys, happiness and misery.

Life's capital! which can't be increased, but which may aul be lost.

The little child's harte! look down into it, it is like the vault ov a wild-flower; apparently tenantless but full ov little sekrets, sekrets—unknown tew itself,—sekrets worth knowing,—life's capital.

Sweet little vault whare God has locked up creation's destiny.

XXXIX.

MONOGRAFFS.

The happy man iz alwus marrid or expekts tew be.

He don't beleaf in ghosts or ghostesses, nor raleroad acksidence before they occur.

He lives upon milk, and pays az he goes.

He luvs evry boddy, and but fu luv him.

He laffs when he gits wet, and only takes pills tew pleaze other folks.

Like the birds, he waz born happy, and like them he seems tew enjoy it.

The world calls him almost a phool, but his happy ness iz worth more, and cost less than wisdum.

But i consider happiness the easiest tew manage when thare aint much ov it.

Our wretched wants, though they are what makes a man more than a brute, are just what reduces our happyness by expanding it.

Evryboddy kan tell his nabor tew be contented with what he haz got, (this is good news,) but noboddy but a phool can foller it.

Phools are alwus happy, but alas! they don't know it.

Still, thare aint no arithmetic for happiness—a man has to be measured for hiz happiness just az he duz for hiz boots, and then he aint sure but what they will pinch somewhare.

THE HANDSOME MAN AND PRETTY WOMAN.

Buty iz one ov them kind ov conquests that don't last long.

It is a kind ov raid, which surprises, but kant hold the territory which it invades.

It is a kind ov meteorick rain, which people may set up a night or two to watch for, but failing tew see it a grate deal, may conclude that it aint much ov a shower after awl.

Handsum men are skase, and it is good that they are, for there is but very little power in man buty, and thare iz more vanity in one handsum man, than thare iz in two droves ov peacocks' tails.

Buty iz another name for effeminacy.

Pretty wimmin are plenty, and i am glad ov it, for wimmin hav a perfekt right tew be pretty; but very butiful wimmin are unplenty, and i am glad ov that ditto, for the chances is, they would use their buty to gain our adorashun rather than our esteem. After awl, grate buty iz a left-handed kompliment, for most ov the silly i have met with, are thoze who believed they was very butiful.

I think i had rather hav a noze 7 inches and a half long, (in the clear) than tew be the hansumest man in our county; for in the fust case, i should work hard tew shorten mi nose bi some other good qualitys, while in the other case, i probably should never be told by my looking-glass that i was a phool.

THE LIVE MAN.

The Live Man iz like the little pig; he iz weaned young, and begins tew root arly.

He iz the pepper-sass ov creation—the all-spice ov the world.

One Live Man in a village is like a case ov itch at a distrikt skool—he sets evry boddy scratching a onst.

A man who kan draw New Orleans molasses in the month ov January, thru a half inch augur-hole, and sing "Home! sweet home!" while the molasis iz running, may be strictly honest, but he aint sudden enuff for this climate.

The Live Man iz az full ov bizness az the conducter ov a street kar—he iz often like a hornet, very bizzy, but about what, the Lord only knows.

He lights up like a cotton faktory, and haint got enny more time tew spare than a skool-boy has Saturday afternoons.

He is like a decoy duck, alwus above water, and lives at least 18 months each year.

He is like a runaway hoss; he gits the whole ov the road.

He trots when he walks, and lies down at night only bekauze everyboddy else duz.

The live man is not always a deep thinker; he jumps at conclusions, just as the frog duz, and don't alwus land at the spot he is looking at.

He is the Amerikan pet, a perfekt mystery tew foreigners; but he has done more (with charcoal) tew work out the greatness of this country than any other man in it.

He is jist as necessary as the grease on an axle-tree.

He don't alwus die ritch, but alwus dies bizzy, and meets death a good deal az an oyster duz, without making enny fuss.

THE NERVOUS MAN.

The nervous man is the original harp ov one thousand strings.

He is a fiddle, past finding out.

The tread ov an elephant don't skare him, but he wilteth when the mouse nibbles in the wainscot.

He turneth pale at the coming ov the spider.

He laffeth when the whirlwind is on a bender, but shuddereth when the striped snaik walks out for an airing.

He gazeth at the red lightning with joy, when it gasheth the heavens; but the scales ov his back lift up in horrer when old Baxter files up his wood-saw.

The nervous man is a very singular critter—he might more properly be called a plural critter.

My advice tew the nervous man is tew drink milk for a living, and for excitement chaw spruce gum.

XL.

JOSH BILLINGS AND THE LEKTUR COMMITTY.

Letters which pass from great men to great men are often wise to owlishness, and so successfully discursive as to treat beautifully upon everything but the point at "issoo."

Salt Point, Feb. 0th, 1867.

J. Billings, Esqr.:

I am instructed by our association to inquire ov you, and solicit a reply, if you could read a discourse before our lyceum this winter, and if so, at what time, on what subject, and upon what terms.

Most respectfully yours,

Ezra Smith, Cor. Sec'y.

Pokipsy, Feb. 12th, 1867.

Smith, mi Dear:

This day, at 10 o'clock A.M., I cum in contact with your letter, and was real glad tew hear from yu. How do you like being Cor. Sek. ov a Ly-Associ'? It is a light, pretty bizziness, and don't require much capital.

Let me ask you if you are any relashun to Jake Smith, the hatter. If yu are, forgit it, for Jake is a common cuss.

The Smiths are a good family, and prevail more permiskus, than enny kind ov folks that i kno ov, but it would be unnatral in the highest if thare want sum, whare they was so thick, that was wuss than the rest.

Did yu ever read history, Ezra? If yu didn't yu will be serprised teu hear that John Smith married Pokerhontas, the dauter ov Powhattan, the injun boss.

The way this happened was so: Smith was about gitting slewed, when Pokerhontas went in, and fell flat on him. Old Powhattan giv it up, and Pokerhontas had Smith, and Smith settled down and went into the injin bizzness, in a small way, on his own hook.

This is the grist ov the story.

Tis one ov the most affektingest transactions on file.

Yu ought teu read history, Ezra; it will learn yu informashun, and give you a knolledge ov edukashun.

The artist takes a poetic license with Mr. Billings' Story of Pocahontas, and represents John Smith getting "slewed" in a modern bar-room,—See page 134.

I forgot tew state, that John Smith lived somwhare in pensylvany, at the time his transakshun with Pokerhontas took place, and if he aint dead probably lives there now. Thare is one fust rate thing about history: it is alwus true; if it aint true, it aint history, so if yu larn it onst, yu never have tew unharness.

But most poetri, and piktorials, and novels, lie wuss than an east wind; the fuller a man gits ov them over night, the more room thare iz in him the next day, for sum more.

John Smith, who had the transaction with Pokerhontas, had an immense invoice ov boys; thare is 13 ov that name in our town this morning, besides several who hav either died or gone to Denver Citty.

Did it ever strike yu, Ezra, that death was one ov the most remarkable things that could happen tew a man?

A man may be ritch, and kno history just like slapjacks for breakfast, and be handsum, able tew lift a ton without thinking, but death beats awl these just as easy as biting crackers.

Death seems tew be as far as a man can git; when a man aquires that thoroughly, his ambishun seems tew be satisfied.

One man can be ritcher, and lift more than another, but he kant be enny more deader.

I am glad thare is one thing in this world, that is enuff for man.

Speaking ov man, Ezra, dew yu konsider him a suckcess yet, or has he got tew try again?

History has a good deal tew say about man, that don't allude tew his suckcess.

Adew, Ezra,

Yures, full ov oats,

Josh Billings.

XLI.

ORPHAN CHILDREN.

Notoriety is the short glory a man gits, for doin what he ought to be ashamed ov.

God only knows how much merit wanders thro this life, sekurely hid bi rays ov poverty; nor how much crime insolently wears the golden armor ov wealth.

I think thare is jest as much virtue in the world as thare is vise, only it haint been bored for so mutch.

A grate menny ov opinyuns, advanced bi the uncommon learned men now-a-days, may be properly defined as dissolving views.

It is strange, and it is melankolly true, that those men who spend their time and talents in makin us happier, never gain mutch ov our respekt.

Thare is a grate menny people who kno jist enuff tew make a smudge, but don't kno jist enuff tew clear it away.

I don't know ov a more keen sarcasm, than a learned man listening attentively tew a fool.

The grate merit thare is in modesty, lies in the modesty thare is in merit.

Thare is 2 kinds ov hypokrasy: one tries tew appear better than it is, and the other wuss than it is—one is a wolf in sheep's clothin, and tother is a sheep in wolf's clothing.

The hight an depth ov human wisdum, is tew kno oneself; but the human heart kan never be known, only by the God who made it.

I never hear a robin on the hiest lim he kan git, pouring out his evening praise, but I am certain, that someboddy in Heaven is listenin.

About the most originality that enny writer kan hope tew arrive at honestly, now-a-days, is tew steal with good judgment.

I was once asked bi a talkin cuss, "which i thought was really the mostess happyness, the married or the single?" i sed tew him that in many cases it was like trieing tew winter on injun meal or buckwheat flour; before he had got half way thru, he would wish he had tried the other. i don't kno whether he took my advise or not.

In a match game (where both parties are marryin for money) aul side bets are konsidered off—George Wilkes told me so.

Poetry is as natral a disease tew the human family, as the winde kolick, and in most cases what will cure one, will cure the other.

How menny people thare are in this world who spend aul their lives in a hole, and always back into that.

The best way tew keep a secret, is tew forget it.

I never knew a coward who was afraid tew lie.

It is a curius fact that most everyboddy komplains ov their misfortunes, and yet, thare ain't ennyboddy who has got the itch, or salt rume bad, but what thinks his kind ov itch is a better kind than his nabor's.

Kompliments are like the frosting put on the top ov a cake, only intended for ornament.

If a man has got 375 thousand dollars, and is contented, he is happy—"jess so."

I don't serpose thare is enny sich thing as "time,"—time is a mere parasite ov Eternity.

XLII.

BILLINGS REPLIZE TEU CORRESPONDENTS.

"Mary Ann."—Your letter wuz duly received. I hasten teu reply. Waterfalls are a ketching disseaze, but not fatal. They fust appear on the back ov the hed, about the size ov a small geese's eggs, and gro az big az a wasp's nest, and then they are ripe. They are kep in a pudding bag, and fatted on black hoss hair. It is not considered enny misfortune teu have this dizzease, unlest yu hav it small. If yu hav escaped the dizzease thus far, I wouldn't contract it now; for thare will be a new one ov some kind around in a fu days, that yu may like better. In the mean time prepare yourself for the worst, for the Lord only knows what will come next.

"Harrold."—It will be impossible for me to give you a never-failing recipee, how tew secure the affekshunes ov the opposite sex.—Grate perseverance iz necessary, az yu are aware that young ladiz are highly opposed to the married state. They are like their mothers in this respeck. I would advise yu tew read the "Pilgrim's Progress." It will sustane yu under yure trials. If yu kan spare enny time, i would advise yu tew be very polite tew the young ladiz mother; thare iz nothing more powerful; it is an evidence ov more good breeding, and it carrys the mother kind ov back to the days when she had to suffer in the same cruel way. After fighting the good fight for 6 or 7 years, you diskiver that yure sweetheart is tew be married to another feller; you will ov course secure an invitashun to the affair as pall bearer. This will pay you fur the menny trieing seens you hav passed thru, and will also fit yu fur the next deadly struggle. But if yu succeed in getting the objeckt ov your affecshun; yu wil ov course be the only happy man in the world; this iz the way it alwus effeckts folks.

"Unkle David."—Got yure letter thru the intercession ov the post office. Glad tew hear from you. Sorry tew hear that Aunt Sally has got the biles: tell her to poultice them well—and trust in the Lord. Sorry tew hear that Cousin Heber haz failed in bizziness; tell him tew play smart—and trust in the Lord. Glad tew hear that Joe Osborne haz drawn a prize in the lottery; tell him tew try it again—and trust in the Lord. Sorry tew hear that Uncle Peter sold hiz corn for only 2 dollars a bushel; tell him tew hang onto it next time—and trust in the Lord.

"Petroleum."—I hav looked into the ile boring with grate anxiety, and have satisfied miself that it is a good bore. If you git enny thing in this world worth having, you have tew bore for it without mercy. Az a general thing, the bigger the augur iz, the bigger the hole, unless you bore into a mill pond. Menny people are satisfied in doing a gimblet bizziness, and this shows good judgment. Yu never see a smart and well to do squirrel that wants tew reside in a woodchuck's hole. Animals are more sensible than humans; they don't bild a house they kant fill. I am not at liberty tew tell yu what i dew think about iles giving out, but i advise yu to bore at onst and keep at it, and if you don't strike grease, you will have the satisfaction ov knowing that yu hav made a hole. I am not half so anxious tew kno how much ile men are a gitting, az i am tew kno that everybody iz a boring. Mi advise has alwus bin, don't bore for enny ile—"stock."

XLIII.

CHIPS FROM THE BUTT CUT OV WISDUM.

Just about in proportion that a woman bekums famous away from home, she haz dun suthin she hadn't oughter.

I don't think it will pay enny man tew be poor jist for the sake ov being a philosopher.

The sharpest men hav the fewest ideas, but, like the sun-glass, they kan focus them quick, and the consequentz is, sumboddy gits burnt.

Them hosses who ackt just az though they waz agoin to run away awl the time hardly ever do, but the dozy ones, when they do git started, kant run fast enuff to suit them.—It is sum so with the human critters.

Ridicule iz the only successful persecution i kno ov.

Tew git at the full sublimity ov a wimmins right lekturer, go tew her hum, and witness her old man striving to nuss their last baby, and notis what a dredful sloppy job he makes ov it.

Avarice makes villins ov sum, and growling wretches ov all.

Philosophy iz the art ov making ourselfs happy, but yet i find 7 times as mutch philosophy in the world az i do happiness.

Marrying for love iz postponed for the present; in the mean time Cupid dips hiz arrows in petroleum and fires at brown stone fronts, just to keep hiz hand in.

Pleazure iz just az natural az smelling; thare is az mutch joy in sliding down hill by moonlight, on a barrel stave, az there is 40 years afterwards, in bein principal stock-holder, and president ov a double track ralerode.

We should make virtue our master, not our servant.

Pitty is the poorest beggar ov the whole lot. "Pitty the sorrows ov a poor old man," iz a fust rate way tew hav the dogs set at you,—better, a good deal, be a little sassy.

Generosity, az a general thing, haz more pride than kommon sense in it.

Even truth haz a ridickilous side tew it, which it iz always trieing to hide.

Sum people lose twice when they bet; they bet without enny pluck, and lose without enny pluck. Yu kant kure laziness by bribery, nor shame; the only way to kure it, is tew skare it. Laziness is one ov those kind ov things that has no memory at all, and but an indifferent reccollection.

"Early impreshuns are the most lasting"—the fust kiss, and the fust licking, cum under this hed.

Reputashun is a good deal like a bond-fire, yu hav got tew keep pileing on the shavings. If you don't the flame will soon subdew.

I was once asked if mi fourfathers was Englishmen. I told the illiterate cuss, who propagated the question, that i didn't hav but one father, and he was strictly ov the Massachewsetts purswashun.

Good wit iz sumthing like good luck,—the more soon and unexpekted it iz, the better.

XLIV.

ESSA ON SWINE.

Hogs generally are quadriped.

The extreme length ov their antiquity haz never been fully discovered; they existed a long time before the flood, and hav existed a long time since.

There iz a grate deal ov internal revenew in a hog, thare ain't mutch more waste in them than thare iz in a oyster.

Even their tails can be wurked up into whissells.

Hogs are good quiet boarders; they alwus eat what iz set before them, and don't ask enny foolish questions.

They never hav enny disseaze but the meazles, and they never hav that but once; once seems to satisfy them.

Thare iz a grate menny breeds amongst them.

Sum are a close corporation breed, and sum are bilt more apart, like a hemlock slab.

They used to hav a breed in New England, a few years ago, which they called the striped hog breed. This breed waz in high repute among the landlords; almost evry tavern keeper had one, which he used tew show tew travelers, and brag on him.

Sum are full in the face, like a town clock, and some are az long and lean az a cow-catcher, with a steel pinted noze on them.

They kan awl rute well; a hog that kant rute well, haz bin made in vain.

They are a short lived animal, and generally die az soon az they git fatt.

The hog kan be larnt a grate menny cunning things, such az highsting the front gate off from the hinges, tipping over the swill barrells, and finding a hole in the fence to git into a cornfield, but thare ain't enny length tew their memory; it iz awful hard work for them tew find the same hole to git out at, espeshly if yu are at all anxious they should.

Hogs are very kontrary, and seldom drive well the same way yu are going; they drive the most the other way; this haz never bin fully explained, but speaks volumes for the hog.

XLV.

ON SOWING MACHINES.

Dear Morse—I this morning had makrel for brekfast, and also yure letter, enklosing a prospektus uv yure "Improved swivel stitch and back action sowing masheen," and must say i am tickled tew deth with her.

It strikes me that it must be equal tew a small drove uv nu milk cows in a family.

If the masheen iz only one quarter az good az the prospektus iz, yure fortune iz az certain and lasting az the rocks.

Don't hesitate tew send me one ov the masheens, and i will return the prospektus.

I hav now 3 sowing masheens on hand; one i hav had 24 years, the other two about 20 & 18 years respektivly.

The old masheen iz a gem, and will sow on a patch quicker than the hole was made.

The other two are smaller, and are halleluger itself on worsted work and ornamental blister.

I would part with the 2 younger ones if enny fust rate chance offered, and furnish a prospektus that would beat the Song ov Solaman.

Az for the old one, munny won't buy her. I intend to stick tew her till evry thread breaks, for she iz wuth a dozen nu-fangled ones.

I got her in Massachusetts, by the side ov the road, at the foot ov a mountain, from a good old Baptiss deakon, who lived in a nice white farm-hous, with green blinds and a hoss-block by the door, and a pen-stock ov never failing water, and a wood pile as bigg az a straw stack.

The 2 little ones are on exhibishun now, at mi rooms. Kards ov admishun can be prokured ov the proprietor bi presenting the proper vouchers.

Full warrantees will be given with each masheen.

Principals only delt with; no agent need apply.

Again, dear Morse, I kant help but thank yu for yure prospektus—it iz so limber and full ov good advise; but i kant help but say that if you should see mi sowing masheens and see them at wurk, yu would tare up yure prospektus in disgust, and either git one ov mi kind, or be miserable till you did.

Morse, fairwell.

In the meantime, yures truli,

Josh Billings.

XLVI.

SUM ADVISE.

Mi yung friend, yu are about tew begin life, and altho it may seem dredful impossibel tew yu, nevertheless yu will be liabel tew make sum mistakes while yu are scoring, or during the fust mile or two.

Let me mix up a little advise for yu tew take till yu git tew trotting stiddy.

Yu will observe the advise iz designed for yung gentlemen who show sum sighns ov speed, and also that i reazon right from the shoulder.

1. Treat the old man and the old woman as yure equals; smile when they exhort, and laff when they intreat, for no yung man kan hope for suckcess in ornamental walks ov life who don't wear the belt at home.

2. If yu kant raize a mustash, commit suiside at once and begin agin; for it iz better tew die than tew suffer disgrace.

3. Cultivate impudense—impudense iz a good substitute for bravery—only be a littel kerful tew pick yure customers when yu tri it on.

4. Keep a trotter and a fiteing rooster. Theze animals will let yu into the konfidense ov men who will watch over yure morals and nuss yure genius.

5. Avoid the old fogys; they are a miserabel set ov cowardly croakers, who, like a third-rate dorg, hav larnt what little they kno about virtew bi simply being overmatched in a fair fight.

6. Suspekt aul femail virtew. This will giv yu an eazy flow ov ambiguous language while in the sosiety ov the ladys, and enabel yu tew awake confusion, which yu kan kall sumthing else.

7. If yu git desprait, and must marry, marry for ducats—marrying for blud or for luv iz too sloppy for a man ov spirits. Luv iz a low pashun, and iz designed for 2-story houses on one ov the back streets; not for a brown stun front.

8. Bi aul means learn to sware, chaw, and smoke freely, and don't ever mistake rain water for milk punch, unless yu want a soft thing.

9. Call religion a stock jobber's pidgeon to ketch flatts with; say that virtew iz only the galvanized impotence ov cowards; that wisdum iz but an egg that iz addled; laff at aul things that are sollum, and sware that Backus and Venus are the only two gods fit tew be worshiped.

Yung man, cultivate aul the abuv graces, and add tew them what the ardor of yure genius may inspire, and if the hoss jockeys and pimps generally don't say you are a cuss ov the brightest hue, and if the devil don't make you sum flattering proposals, the days ov chivalry are positively over, and pudding and milk haz got more glory into it than a brandy smash, a rum sour, or even a thomas and jerry.

Yung man, (a fu words with yu in private,) let theze cheerful remarks settle down into you when yu git tew reflekting at 12 o'clock sum rainy nite.

Don't make a phool of yureself by trieing tew jump 65 feet at one jump, and land among the Berhoys at onst, but examine yure bild clussly and see if yu ain't better konstrukted for sumthing honest.

But if yu find that yu must go tew dispair, then put on aul the steam yu kan carry, and either bust or git thare az soon az possibel.

P.S.—When yu git thare, and hav had enuff ov it, just drop me a line, and i will see what kan be did for yu. But don't forgit one thing—that the road back iz 3 times az fur, and aul the way up hill besides.

XLVII.

TAKE IT EAZY.

Yes, mi dear feller, do take it eazy.

Don't fret, don't foam; yu kant take thought an be an inch bigger; yu kant ketch lightning, however yu try; then do take it eazy.

If yu would be ritch, only be good, and then take it eazy.

If yure lady-love is coy, do take it eazy, for like a wild colt, by and by will she cum and lay her hed in the halter.

Joys ever are fu, the evening ov yure daze may be long, and oil you will want for yure twilite lamp; then waste not in fury what will last yu till the wick burns out, if yu will only take it eazy.

If yu would see the pitfalls that Satan is digging, if yu would be more than a match for envy and malice, if yu would show no blind side for reproach, chew awl things well, and then take it eazy.

Take it eazy, and the snowflakes ov sorrow will melt az they fall; melankolly will laff when she meets yu, poverty's bundle will be light, and awl yure songs will hav a sweet chorus.

Take it eazy; natur don't fret; seedtime and harvest are a sure thing; the bud, then the leaf; the flower, then the fruit; the lilys don't fret; then, mi dear feller, do take it eazy.

Take it eazy, only be good, and az each nu milestun bi the side ov yure Jordan tells that the grate sity iz nearer, and not fur away, will yure hearte gro lighter, and yure faith gro stronger, airth will look less, and heaven will look bigger; yes, mi dear feller, do, do take it eazy.

XLVIII.

JOSH CORRESPONDS.

Percy.—Did yu ever ride in the cars on a raw day, and have a mountaineer dive in from some cord wood station, and, taking a seat next in front ov yu, rush the window up, and half freeze yure liver out?

(If yu answer this question, don't fail tew say yes, or no.)

Didn't yu feel az tho yu would like to help to pitch the red-necked and tobacco-chawing curse out ov the windo?

(If yu answer this question, don't fail to say yes.)

But it iz no use tew plead with them; they must hav sum more north wind.

If yu should shut one ov these human refrigerators up in a 10-acre lot, and put the bars up tight, he would rave around till he tore down a pannel ov the fence, to let sum more fresh air into the lot.

When a half civilized humin critter wants enny thing, he wants it just az bad az a bear duz, and generally takes it in the same way.

Bulwer.—Yu are right about it; the elektive telegraph iz verry kuriss. But did it ever ockur tew yu, in the solitude ov yure midnite hour, or when yu waz turning grindstone, or by the side ov the road, or the down hill ov life, or by the good old Moses, that the nerves waz the telegraff wires ov the humin boddy?

If this never haz ockured to yu, yure edikashun haz either bin tew mutch Latin, or else yu hav bin kept in a back lot, ware thare want mutch going on.

I tell yu that dispatches are flieing all the time from the 2 main offices, one ov which iz lokated in the hed, and the other of which iz in the stummuk.

The stummuk inquires, "When dinner will be reddy?" and iz told bi the branch offiss, at the noze, "in 20 minnitts."

The bigg toe learns from the operator at the stummuk offiss that "mock turtles and terrapins iz cumming in fast, and that old Gout may be expekted in a fu daze."

The head inquires ov the noze, "What yu blowing about?"

Answer, "Wet feet."

The eyes wants tew kno ov the stummuk, "What they shall do to stop running?"

Stummuk growls back, "Dam yure ize!"

Head sees sudden stars, and feels the shock ov an arthquake; telegraffs awl over the boddy for an explanation; gits the following dispatch, after a while, from one of the lower offices: "Been down hard on the ice."

Friend Bulwer, in the remarks ov the poet, I hold "that we are truly and wonderfully made."

Lager.—Yure inquiry iz eazily dispozed ov. Lager Beer iz not intoxikating. A man bi the name ov Laubenheimersmitt, who keeps a saloon, told me so. He sed he had one ov the little barrells in him at that time, and waz aktually suffering for a drouth. I think he iz a man who kan be depended upon, for he showed me a bolona sarsage, which he sed had bin in the family 67 years. It waz aul kivvered with wrinkles. He sed it had a nu wrinkle each year, like a kow's horn. I asked him on what prinsipals the bolona sarsage waz bilt? he sed he couldn't tell me, that thare hadn't bin enny nu ones bilt for menny years, on account of the grate demand for hosses on the canal.

Augustus.—Art haz improved natur, but whether sivilizashun haz improved moruls az mutch, I woodent like tu tell. Natur iz verry lucksuriant, and that iz what's the matter ov her. She iz like a punkin-vine, (grows without mercy,) and wood grow without punkins tew, but art kurbs the extravagunce, and makes the vines "sum punkins." Moruls ain't lucksuryant; they woodent be haff a crop if it wan't for sivilization; but like other things that are forced, they are made tu yeald so mutch, that the tree soon runs tu follyage and tawp, and don't bair mutch plums. I don't think the wirld haz got enny sivilizashun tew spare, but i dew think she haz got more than she kan manige well. I beleave in sivilizashun terribley; i wood like tu see even bares and woolfs and wildkats sivilizyed; but if sivilizashun only makes their hare softer, and only makes them growl less lowder, but makes their teeth sharper and their klaws longer, i think i like the heethen bare, for a steddy playmait, full az well az i dew the Christian bare.

XLIX.

THEM GOOD OLD DAZE.

AS LONGED FOR BY JOSH BILLINGS.

How i dew long (once in a whyle) for them good old daze.

Them daze when the sun didn't rise before brekfast.

Them daze when thare waz more fun in 30 cents than thare is now in 7 dollars and a half.

Them daze when a man marrid 145 pounds ov woman, and less than 9 pounds (awl told) ov ennything else.

How i dew long for them good old daze, when edukashun only konsissted in what a man did well.

Them daze when deakons waz az austear az hoss radish, and ministers preached tew men's soals instead of their pockets.

Them daze when pollyticks was the excepshun, and honesty the rule.

How i dew long for them good old daze when lap-dorgs and wett nusses warn't known, and when brown bred and baked-goose made a good dinner.

Them daze when a man who want bizzy was watched, and when wimmin spun only that kind ov yarn that was good for the darning ov stockings.

How i dew long for them good old daze when now and then a gal baby was called Jerusha, and a boy want spilte if he was named Jerrymiah.

Aul yee who hav tried the feathers and fuss ov life, who hav had the codfish ov wealth, without sense, stuck under yure noze, cum beneath this tree, and long for an hour with me, for them good old daze when men were ashamed tew be fools, and wimmin were fraid tew be flirts.

N.B.—They used tew maik a milk punch in them daze too, that was very handy tew take.

L.

A HUM TRANSACTION.

Mrs. Billings lately becum helpless.

This kalamity was so well published, that the door bel ov the house waz kept on a titter for a week, with "out ov place," "Bridgets," "Margarets," and "Matildys."

From so profuse a crop, it was difficult tew select; each one had a karakter, that would hav lasted an economikal person for life, and each one was az demure az if they were about to take the veil.

They could all bile, and stew—hash, and frigasee, wash, mend, and iron, bake, bru, and starch—in fackt they were perfecktly elaborate, in aul cook and laundry doings, and never staid out ov nights.

For sum reason, (bless the ladys, they never dew ennything without a good reason,) a prodigious emerald selekshun was made from the applicants, happy in the immaculate prefix ov Mary, a queen among pots and kittles, soups, gravy, and compounds.

She could do evrything!

She could sweep without disturbing enny dust; she could bile a dumplin so light, az almost tew disfranchise the long cherished principle ov gravitashun; in fackt, if it was safe tew bet on her, she was a fust-klass kitchin, within a kitchen; "ne plus ultra," a bonny fide "Eureka,"—the last one out.

She was sworn in, with the usual serimony ov pinteing out the ways and means, the kittles, and closets, the coal, and cesspool, the pump, and bred tickets, and lots ov other things, in the matter ov nails for this rag, and rags for that nail.

The dinner tew be got up was quite ordnary, and Mrs. Billings, willing tew levy but a light tax upon the almost omniscient cook genius ov the accomplished Mary, suggested for sass, that most simple az well az most agreeable ov aul wheaten kompounds, known amung fluent housewifes, az a "minnit puddin."

"Ah, mum, it will plaze yee's to see me be after makin the puddin."

The mistick hour iz clus at hand, when the platter iz tew smoke in the senter ov the snowy damask; a gentle tap iz herd at the parler door; the glistening Mary relates the vicktory ov meat and vegatables below, and with a plezant pride nestling in her ize, in virgin innocense, asks:

"Now mum, pleze, whare dew yu keep yure minits?"

P.S.—Comment seems tew be almoste unnecessary—but perhaps it will be safe tew add, that, if "ignorance iz bliss," Irish cooks must be the verry broth ov happiness.

LI.

MILK, WHISKEE AND BEER.

MILK.

I want tew say sumthing, ("in petto.")

I want tew say sumthing, ("entre nous,") in reference to milk az a ferterlizer.

Milk is spontaneous, ("semper paratus,") and haz did more tew encourage the growth ov the humin folks, ("en passant") than enny other liquid.

Milk iz lakteal, ("bizarre;") it iz also aquatick, while under the patronage ov milk venders, ("errare humanum est.")

Milk iz also misterious, ("Le mot d'énigme,") cokernut milk haz never bin solved yet.

Milk iz also another name for humin kindness, ("comme il faut.")

Milk and bred is a plesant mixtur.

So iz milk and rum ("Bonne bouche") mellow tew contend with in a hot day, ("multum in parvo") ("id est," "multum" rum, "in parvo" milk.)

Sumtimes, if milk iz allowed tew stand too long, ("statu quo,") a skum arizes tew the surface, ("passim,") which iz apt tew skare folks who live in citys, but it dus not foller, ("non sequitur,") that the milk iz nasty; this skum iz called cream bi folks who inhabit the kuntry, ("magnus Apollo.")

Cream iz the parent ("pater familias") ov butter, and butter iz 45 cents a pound, ("ora pro nobis.")

The most common milk in use, without doubt, ("sans doute") iz skim milk; skim milk iz made bi skinning the milk, ("inter nos,") this iz considered sharp praktiss, ("coup de main.")

Milk iz obtained from cows, hogs, woodchucks, sheep, squirrels, rats, and awl other animals that wear hair. Snakes and geese don't discharge milk, ("lusus naturæ.")

I forgot tew state in conclusion, ("ultima Thule,") that cow milk, if it iz well watered, brings 10 cents per quart, ("Quod avertat Deus.")

WHISKEE.

Whiskee iz the grate Amerikan bevridge.

It iz the granddaddy ov awl our licker.

Evrything that haz a good reliable drunk in it, iz at least couzin tew Whiskee or old Rie.

Whiskee haz done a grate deal for this kuntry, in the way ov penitentiary homes, and houses for the poor, and i suppose, if it want for whiskee, theze houses would aktually hav tew shut up.

They tell me that a bushell ov korn will make a gallon ov whiskee, and sum people, who are acquainted with statisticks, say, that a barrell ov whiskee will go further in a family, than a cow. I don't know exactly how fur a cow would go in a family, but i should think it would be eazier tew milk a barrell ov whiskee than a cow—still i hain't never figured on it, and it iz only guess-work with me.

A gentleman who haz travelled extensively thru the western states, sez that vast quantitys ov korn are raized thare, which iz made into whiskee, tew say nothing ov what iz annually wasted for bred. He sez thare iz lots ov people out west, who are better judges ov whiskee than they are ov water, and that you might easily phool them with poor water, but you couldn't with poor whiskee. They hav made whiskee a specialty aul their lives, and they kan't even go tew church Sundays, without a bottle ov it in their pockets. (I think he must hav lied when he made this last statement.)

In my honest opinyun, whiskee is seckund only tew original sin; it is the mill stun, hung upon the neck ov poor degraded humin nature, and if the devil was allowed leave ov absence for six months, tew visit this earth, the fust thing he would do, would be to lobby our legislatures for a repeal ov the excise laws, and then invest his pile in gin mills.

But since whiskee haz got into this world, I don't think it kan be got out, enny more than small pox kan, but it kan be made komparitively harmless, in the same way, and only in the same way, and that iz by constant vaccination. * * * *

BEER.

I hav finally cum tew the konclusion, that lager beer iz not intoxikatin.

I hav been told so bi a german, who sed he had drank it aul nite long, just tew tri the experiment, and was obliged tew go home entirely sober in the morning. I hav seen this same man drink sixteen glasses, and if he was drunk, he was drunk in german, and noboddy could understand it. It iz proper enuff tew state, that this man kept a lager-beer saloon, and could have no object in stating what want strictly thus.

I beleaved him tew the full extent ov mi ability. I never drank but 3 glasses ov lager beer in mi life, and that made my hed untwist, as tho it was hung on the end ov a string, but i was told that it was owing tew my bile being out ov place, and I guess that it was so, for I never biled over wuss than i did when I got home that nite. Mi wife was afrade i was agoing tew die, and i was almoste afrade i shouldn't, for it did seem az tho evrything i had ever eaten in mi life, was cuming tew the surface, and i do really beleave, if mi wife hadn't pulled oph mi boots, just az she did, they would have cum thundering up too.

Oh, how sick i was! it was 14 years ago, and i kan taste it now.

I never had so much experience, in so short a time.

If enny man should tell me that lager beer was not intoxikating, i should beleave him; but if he should tell me that i want drunk that nite, but that my stummuk was only out ov order, i should ask him tew state over, in a few words, just how a man felt and akted when he was well set up.

If i want drunk that nite, i had sum ov the moste natural simptoms a man ever had, and keep sober.

In the fust place, it was about 80 rods from whare i drank the lager, tew my house, and i was over 2 hours on the road, and had a hole busted thru each one ov mi pantaloon kneeze, and didn't hav enny hat, and tried tew open the door by the bell-pull, and hickupped awfully, and saw evrything in the room tryin tew git round onto the back side ov me, and in setting down onto a chair, i didn't wait quite long enuff for it tew git exactly under me, when it was going round, and i sett down a little too soon, and missed the chair by about 12 inches, and couldn't git up quick enuff tew take the nex one when it cum, and that ain't aul; mi wife said i was az drunk az a beast, and az i sed before, i begun tew spit up things freely.

Josh Billings is satisfied that lager-beer as a drink is not intoxicating; but having indulged rather freely one day, he finds it difficult, when he sits down, "to catch the chair as it comes round."—See page 169.

If lager beer iz not intoxikating, it used me almighty mean, that i kno.

Still i hardly think lager beer iz intoxikating, for i hav been told so, and i am probably the only man living, who ever drunk enny when his bile want plumb.

I don't want tew say ennything against a harmless tempranse bevridge, but if i ever drink enny more it will be with mi hands tied behind me, and mi mouth pried open.

I don't think lager beer iz intoxikating, but if i remember right, i think it tastes to me like a glass with a handle on one side ov it, full ov soap suds that a pickle had bin put tew soak in.

LII.

PLUCK.

Pluck, tew be ov mutch value, wants tew be instant.

I hav seen plenty ov men who was anxious tew fite an elephant—six miles oph.

How menny ov us hav had our pluck cum tew us next day, and then it want ov enny more use tew us than an epitaff iz tew a ded man.

Pluck iz a normal virtue, and may be made a shining one, az it iz only the tuff substances that will take, and hold a good polish.

I hav seen men who was aul pluck, and nothing else; they are like chestnutt burs, alwus reddy, but only fit for one thing, and that iz not to touch.

Thare iz a pluck that dares tew do nothing but what iz right, and always dares tew do that; this iz pluck built upon reason, and iz virtue enuff for enny one man.

LIII.

FREE LOVE.

I beleaf in free fights, espeshila amung cats and doggs.

I beleaf in free rides—on a gate.

I beleaf in freedum for evry slave on arth.

But free love iz one ov them kinds ov fredum, that it don't do tew be limber with.

If this world was the gardin ov Edin, and full ov Adam and Eve, az they was when they was fust launched, then i kan imagine it might do for sum other Adam to hold mi Eve on his lap, and talk about his affinitee, and spiritoal essence, and play lamb.

In them daze, thare want no humin natur, it was all God natur.

Humin natur has bin soaked so mutch sinse, it has got tew weak tew be trusted in a lot whare the feed iz poor, nex tew a meddo, without mutch fence between nor enny poke on.

Free love wants more poke than enny other animal.

I don't believe in total depravity—unless a man has a good chance.

Free love iz a good deal like drinking 6 shilling gin for a bevridge. Bevridge iz a Chinese word, and means cussidness.

Aul the free love i hav witnessed thus far, has existed between a villainous letcher on one side, and lunatick virtue on the other side, that had bin deoderized out ov its truth, and had lost aul ov its modesty, and shame, in hunting after a condishun, whare sin ceazed tew be a crime.

The fust free lover we hav enny akount ov, was the devil.

LIV.

FAST MEN.

I hav alwus loved "Fast men;" not those who are fast in their morals, but the sudden kind, those who think fast, and ackt fast.

I never knu a verry slow Amerikan who amounted tew ennything.

Put a man onto an island, (like Nova Scosha,) and he will learn how tew be slow; it iz like chaining a bull tarrier tew a post; after a while he will just straighten the chain, that's all.

But on a Hemispheer like ours, even mud turkles learn how tew show a good gait.

Whare natur setts the exampel, whare she iz vast, and magestick, men soon git in the habit ov reckoning bi the millyuns, and a man ain't enny more apt tew make a big mistake, than he iz a small one; thare iz more game mist at 100 feet, than thar iz at 100 yards.

Fast men make most ov the blunders that are made; but they also make most ov the good hits that are made.

It don't hurt mi feelings (occasionally) tew hear that a man has fell his whole length, and even ploughed up the ground whare he struck, for then i kno he couldn't hav bin standing still, nor hanging onto sumboddy's picket fence.

Methusila lived a 1000 years, but i serpose he could hav seen aul he saw, and dun aul he did in 5 years, if he had lived in New York city.

I never knu a peace ov machinery tew prove a failure bekause it was tew fast; and who iz thare who has ever turned one bi hand, that has not wept for joy tew see a grindstone git round 500 times in a minnitt, driven bi steam?

Fast men sumtimes kollide, but experience has proved that it iz better for a locomotiff tew strike a rock at 40 miles an hour, than at 15, for at 40 miles the rock may be displased, but at 15 the locomotiff iz sartin tew be.

I alwus did think well ov the konneticut vagrant, who was confined in the poor house bekauze he hadn't ennything tew do, and hearing ov a basswood shoe-peg spekulashun, that was raging outside, broke out ov the poor-house, and made 1500 dollars before they could ketch him.

"Life iz short," and this iz one grate reason whi it ought tew be fast.

LV.

JOSH REPLIES TO ONE OF HIS CORRESPONDENTS.

"Benvolio."—In writing for yu an analasiss ov the frog, i must confess that i hav coppied the whole thing, "verbatus ad liberating," from the works ov a selebrated French writer on natural history, ov the 16th sentry.

The frog iz, in the fust case, a tadpole, aul boddy and tail, without cuming tew a head.

He travels in pond holes, bi the side ov the turnpike, and iz accellerated bi the acktivity ov his tail, which wriggles with uncommon limberness and vivacity. Bi and bi, pretty soon, before long, in a few daze, his tail iz no more, and legs begin to emerge from the south end ov the animal, and from the north end, at the same time, may be seen a disposition tew head out.

In this cautious way the frog iz built, and then for the fust time in his life, begins tew git his head abuv water.

His success iz now certain, and soon, in about five daze more, he may be seen sitting down on himself bi the side ov the pond hole, and looking at the dinner baskets ov the children on their way tew the distrikt skoolhous.

Az the children cum more nearer, with a club or chunk ov a brickbat in his hand tew swott him with, he rares up on his behind leggs, and enters the water, head fust, without opening the door.

Thus the frog duz bizzness for a spell ov time, until he gits tew be 21, and then his life iz more ramified.

Frogs hav 2 naturs, ground and water, and are az free from sin az an oyster.

I never knu a frog tew hurt ennyboddy who paid his honest dets and took the New York Weekly.

I don't reckoleckt now whether a frog has enny before leggs or not, and if he don't, it ain't enny boddy's bizzness but the frog's.

Their hind leggs are used for refreshments, but the rest ov him won't pay for eating.

A frog iz the only person who kan live in a well, and not get tired.

The bull-frog iz the boss ov the mud puddle, and has a log tew sit on, over on the other side ov the puddle, and talks tew the rest ov the frogs away down in his throat, so that yu kan't understand more than half what he sez; he iz generally a cross and lazy old devil, all over warts.

This iz aul thare iz worth knowing now about the frog, except that they ketch flize during fli time, and winter on nothing, by freezing up solid.'

P.S.—I hav endeavored tew translate mi author cluss, but it iz tuff tew render aul his butiz intu our tung, without bursting the sense.

LVI.

HUMAN HAPPINESS.

Human happyness being a subject that interests most persons, and having never bin writ upon bi enny boddy else, i thought i would write upon it immediately.

But fu ever git tew be happy, for the reazon they try so hard.

Comfort in this world is about awl that mortals kan expect; happyness has bin reserved, bi an all wise Providence, for futur use.

Those who are the most happy appear tew kno it the least; in fact, happyness seems tew consist in not knowing it.

The best way i kno ov tew be happy is not tew want enny thing till yu hav got it, and then be saving of it.

Pudding and milk is a good thing tew git happy on, but too mutch pudding and milk, even, will worry a man.

The most happy individual i ever knu had no under garment, and he probably would have remained happy, until his back had wore out, if the Femail Billingsville sowing society had not furnished him a cotton seclusion for hiz body, and got him riled up, bekauze the collar tew the seclusion want starched stiff enuff.

It iz a verry dangerous peace ov bizzness tew interfere with enny man's private plans, for hiz own partiklar happyness, (or partiklar misery,) upon the same principle, that it iz a verry dangerous enterprise to pull a thorn out ov a mule's hind leg, and dodge the kick.

Awl human hapness iz conservatiff; 2 thirds ov the pleasure in sliding down hill consists in drawing the sled back. I don't serpoze thare would be enny fun in sliding down a hill 34 miles long.

A verry large share ov our happiness iz derived from anticipation; i kan rekoleckt now ov having tremenjus fun, years ago, in the western wilderness, hunting bees, and also hav a lively reminiscence ov gitting awfully stung, when i found the bees.

Upon the whole, after weighing the matter camly, i hav cum tew the sanguine konklusion, that the hight ov human happyness in this life, consists in being unhappy, and not kno it.

LVII.

PHILOSOPHEE OV THE BILLINGS FAMILEE,

AS SOT DOWN BI JOSH.

I pray you, never seem tew want enny thing.

If you hav not got even a wheelbarrow, talk with grate ease about a horse and carriage.

If you are caught with a rent in yure coat, be az mutch serprised at first as he who diskovers it, (a rent iz but the episode ov a moment,) but do not be mortified, even if he iz curious.

If questioned about yure ansesstors, remember that the further back you go, the more safely you may lay yure claims—you had just az menny relashuns in Knower's ark, az enny body kan show.

Eat puddin and milk simply becaus it is healthy. Hire a back seat in the church, so az tew be the first out, in kase ov fire.

Your wife and children never look so well tew you, az in a "shillin a yard."

If spoken ov for offiss, take notiss ov this or that growin evil; suggest no plan; wear a careful plaster over your mouth, and talk about the capasity and integrity of yure opponent—if beaten, praze the right ov suffrage, publickly, but dam the whole plan, privately, as mutch az you are a mind to.

If you would borry a sum ov munny, ask for it as you would for a yesterday's nuzpaper.

If invited tew dinner—hessitate, but yield upon reflekshun, remarkin, "that yure own table is provided with oysters, and needs no carver."

Make az menny frends as you kan—never, but as a last resort, use one.

Always sing, for thus you may get the envy ov the world, while yure tears would seek in vain for their pity.

Live in the world az one ov its most familyer people, but really hav but little to do with it.

Never argu, and never be convinced.

But chiefly, never want ennything; for thus you giv tung tew yure poverty.

Menny a man haz died rich, and ben kalled wize, by simply holding hiz tung.

When you are asked tew admirate an equipage, dew it warmly, but suggest that you never indulge in horses, on akount ov their liability tew glanders.

If you are poor, ask Alexander tew stand out ov your sunshine. If you are rich, ask him tew stand in it.

Dew not envy ennything on arth, not even a man's virtues, for them you kan git az well az he.

Talk familiarly ov wealth—deceave every one but yourself.

Never show the world mutch ov yure hart; keep that for Him who made it, and knose its impulses.

N.B.—This philosophee has made the Billings family what they am.

LVIII.

AMERIKANS.

Amerikans love caustick things; they would prefer turpentine tew colone-water, if they had tew drink either.

So with their relish of humor; they must hav it on the half-shell with cayenne.

An Englishman wants hiz fun smothered deep in mint sauce, and he iz willin tew wait till next day before he tastes it.

If you tickle or convince an Amerikan yu hav got tew do it quick.

An Amerikan luvs tew laff, but he don't luv tew make a bizzness ov it; he works, eats, and haw-haws on a canter.

I guess the English hav more wit, and the Amerikans more humor.

We havn't had time, yet, tew bile down our humor and git the wit out ov it.

The English are better punsters, but i konsider punning a sort ov literary prostitushun in which futur happynesz iz swopped oph for the plezzure ov the moment.

Thare iz one thing i hav noticed: evryboddy that writes expeckts tew be wize or witty—so duz evrybody expect tew be saved when they die; but thare iz good reason tew beleave that the goats hereafter will be in the majority, just az the sheep are here.

Don't forget one thing, yu hav got tew be wize before yu kan be witty; and don't forget two things, a single paragraff haz made sum men immortal, while a volume haz bin wuss than a pile-driver tew others—but what would Amerikans dew if it want for their sensashuns?

Sumthing new, sumthing startling iz necessary for us az a people, and it don't make mutch matter what it iz—a huge defalkashun—a red elephant—or Jersee clams with pearls in them will answer if nothing better offers.

Englishmen all laff at us for our sensashuns, and sum ov them fret about it, and spred their feathers in distress for us, az a fond and foolish old hen, who haz hatched out a setting ov ducks' eggs, will stand on the banks ov a mill pond, wringing her hands in agony to see her brood pitch in and take a sail. She kant understand it, but the Ducks know awl about it.

N.B.—Yu kan bet 50 dollars the Ducks know all about it.

N.B.—Yu kan bet 50 dollars more that it makes no difference who hatches out an Amerikan, the fust thing he will do, iz to pitch into sumthin.

N.B.—No more bets at present.

LIX.

JOSH CLEANS OUT HIS PIGEON-HOLE OF CORRESPONDENTS.

Iowa.—Don't press the matter tew mutch. The only way to heal a gal ov the "wonts," is tew git her wonted, and then stampede things briskly.

Sharpley.—The best cure i knu ov fur tite boots is small feet.

Wisconsin.—Yu ask me "how fur the Hudson River runs up?" i hasten tew state that the Hudson River don't run up at all.

Jerry.—Yu are sound on this espeshall goose, when yu say "that yu have diskovered poker tew be an unsertin game;" but, Jerry, let me tell yu how tew reduse it tew a sertinty. 5 aces will alwus beat 4 aces and a king; it will dew it in any kind ov a game.

Albany.—i kant tell yu what the usual life insurance rate is; perhaps Andy Johnson kan tell yu; he has bin lately reinsured, his polisy having about run out.

Ezra.—Noboddy but a phool would try tew hold a bull bi the tail; and yet Ezra, mi dear unknown frend, how menny ov us take just as foolish a holt on evrything.

Mike.—It aint necessary that a prayer, tew be good, should be very long or very loud, i hav used one like this fur the last 4 years, and it suits me: "O Lord! visit mi heart fust, mi head next, and mi pocket-book last."

Mason.—"Man wants but little here belo" may hav bin true when it wos fust ritten, but ever since the war he wants aul he kan lay his claws on.

Byron.—I read yure poem carefully. it won't anser. it is tew mutch longer than it is wide. Poetry is a good deal like a clothes-line, very apt tew spred lengthways if at all. Most evryboddy, sumtime during their lives, has the poetry ailment, jist as they hav the teeth cut, but one teeth cutting satisfies evryboddy but the phools.

Dunkirk.—Yu tell me "that yu hav konkluded tew lead an arkadian life;" the arkadians are a clever sett ov phellers in the lump; i lived with them 7 years onst in mi life, but they got into the habit ov dipping their bread into the pork grease, tew save butter, and then i quit the arkadians.

Abigall.—Bonnets kontinue tew be worn yet; the present stile is about the size ov a kold bukwheat kake; feathers are not so much worn this spring, on akount ov the grate supply ov bob-tailed roosters in the kuntry.

Lizzy.—The gentleman yu inquire about is a bachelor in full communion bi profession; his habits fur honesta is good; he pays cash for his whiskey and billyards.

Farmer.—i kant tell yu how much oats it is best tew plant on an aker, but i think, at a ruff guess, 15 or 20 bushels would be a grate plenty. i never had but 7 years' chance at farming, but if mi memory serves me right, (and i never caught her in a lie,) rye must be a good krop tew raise, for old rye sells now quick for 6 or 7 dollars a gallond.

Pelham.—No notice will be took, (from this date hereafterwards) ov letters that hain't got a postage-stamp onto them.

Don't write only on one side ov the manuscript, and don't write mutch onto that.

Don't send a manuscript, unless yu kan read it yureself, after it gits dry.

We pay, aul the way up hill, from 10 cents tew one dollar for contribushuns, ackording tew heft.

Aul settlements made promptly at the end ov the next ensuing year.

Poetry and prose pieces respectively serlicited.

The highest market price paid for awful railrode smashes, and elopements with another man's wife.

No swareing aloud in our paper.

Yure article on "frogs" is received.

It made me laff like lightning.

LX.

JOSH CHAWS HIS CUD.

Earthli glory is sum like potatoze on very ritch sile,—top plenty,—tater skase.

It aint so much trouble tew git ritch, as it is tew tell when we hav got ritch.

The most bitter sarkasm sleeps in silent words.

It is unkommon hard tew annihilate a man with words,—altho it is often undertook.

Hope is evryboddy's handmaid—she is a sli coquet and promises menny favors, but grants only a fu, and them are badly diskounted.

If yu want tew git at the circumference ov a man, examine him among men,—but if yu want tew get at his aktual diameter, meazure him at his fireside.

Thare is nothing so difficult tew hide as our follys.

Thare seems tew be 4 styles ov mind,—

1st, them who know it iz so!

2d, them who know it aint so!

3d, them who split the diffrence, and guess at it!

4th, them who don't care a darn which way it is!

Thare is but few men who hav karackter enuff tew lead a life ov idleness.

True Love is spelt just the same in Choctaw, as it is in English.

Thoze who retire from the world on akount ov its sin and peskyness, must not forgit that they hav got tew keep kompany with a person who wants just as much watching as ennyboddy else.

Buty that don't make a woman vain makes her very butiful.

A puppy plays with evry pup he meets, but old dorgs hav but fu associates.

He who buys what he kant want, will ear long want what he kant buy.

It kosts a good deal tew be wise, but it don't kost ennything tew be happy.

Necessity begot Invenshun, Invenshun begot Convenience, Convenience begot Pleasure, Pleasure begot Luxury, Luxury begot Riot and Disease, Riot and Disease, between them, begot Poverty, and Poverty begot Necessity again,—this is the revolushun ov man, and is about aul he kan brag on.

Power either makes a man a tyrant, or a tool.

Thare is no such thing as flattery,—if commendashun is deserved, it is no flattery, but truth, and if commendashun is undeserved, it is not flattery, but slander.

"Man was kreated a little lower than the Angels,"—and it is lucky for the said Angels that he was.

"The luxury ov grief!"—this, i take it, means tew hav yure old unkle die, and leave yu $9000, and yu cry.

"Love lies bleeding!"—this is probably one ov the bludiest lies that ever was told.

The artist here represents NEATNESS [when carried too far] as a Roman Warrior, armed with every symbol of house-cleaning apparatus, and waging war upon all unoffending people who are not willing to have their apartments thoroughly cleaned every day.—See page 193.

LXI.

MONOGRAFFS.

THE NEAT PERSON.

Neatness, in my opinyun, iz one ov the virtews. I hav alwus konsidered it twin sister to chastity. But while I almost worship neatness in folks, i hav seen them who did understand the bizzness so well az tew acktually make it fearful tew behold. I hav seen neatness that want satisfied in being a common-sized virtew, but had bekum an ungovernable pashun, enslaving its possesser, and making everyboddy uneazy who kum in kontackt with it.

When a person finds it necessary to skour the nail heds in the cellar stairs evry day, and skrub oph the ducks' feet in hot water, it iz then that neatness haz bekum the tyrant of its viktim.

I hav seen individuals who wouldn't let a tired fly light on the wall paper ov their spare room enny quicker than they would let a dog mix up the bread for them, and who would hunt a single cockroach up stairs and down until his leggs were wore oph clear up to his stummuk but what they would hav him. I kan't blame them for being a little lively with the cockroach, for i don't like cockroaches miself—espeshily in mi soup.

Thare iz no persons in the world who work so hard and so eternally az the vicktims ov extatick neatness; but they don't seem tew do mutch after all, for they don't get a thing fairly cleaned to their mind before the other end ov it gits dirty, and they fall tew scrubbling it awl over agin.

If you should shut one ov these people up in a hogshead, they would keep bizzy scouring all the time, and would clean a hole right thru the side ov the hogshed in less than 3 months.

They will keep a whole house dirty the year round cleaning it, and the only peace the family can hav iz when mother iz either bileing soap or making dip kandles.

They rize before daylight, so az to begin scrubbing early, and go tew bed before dark for fear things will begin tew git dirty. These kind ov excessiv neat folks are not alwus very literary, but they know soft water from hard bi looking at it, and they kan tell what kind ov soap will fetch oph the dirt best. They are sum like a kitchin gardin—very regularly laid out, but not planted yet.

If mi wife waz one ov these kind ov neatnesses I would love her more than ever, for i do luv awl the different kinds ov neatness; but i think we would keep house by travelling round awl the time, and not stay but one night in a place, and i don't think she would undertake tew skrub up the whole ov the United States ov Amerika.

THE PHATT MAN.

Thare iz only 3 things that belong tew other folks that i ever envy, and them iz virtew, flesh, and understanding.

I suppose it iz possibel for a man tew manufakter hiz own virtew, and improve hiz stock ov understanding; but he kant kivver hiz long, lean boddy ov bones with a soft and pulpy cushion ov flesh, that is fun tew set down on.

I never cum akross a phatt man neatly dressed, with hiz slik and shining face cut generously out ov warm meat, and gashed with a pair of smaking lips, az smoothe and az gently red az the doorway tew a sea shell, and garnished with a grate pair of juicy eyes, that are forever slopping over with good natur, but what I wanted to call him unkle, and kiss him for mi ant.

And then their embonpint, (i beleave you call it,) so outspoken, so full ov good things, iz equal to a dinner, for a lean devil, like me, to look at even.

I kant tell whatt makes one man so phatt, and the next one so like an empty stocking, or a manakin in a narrow bolster, unless it iz that the phatt souls are like a mountain spring, fed from within, until they kant hold no more, and then run over the brim, tew make others happy.

Did ye ever kno a phatt man to commit sewicide? i guess yu never did; they luv gravy tew well for that.

Shaikspear loved old Jack Fallstaff more than enny picture he ever drew, and tho he filled him up tew the edge with deviltry, and stale heroism, and much sack, and but little bread, he made him phatt, and everyboddy would be verry sorry now tew hav this good-natured hillock ov flesh graded down out ov their memory.

When Shaikspear wanted sum pizen, he sought out, you remember, a lean apothekary, who kept a grocery ov beggarly boxes.

Did yu ever hear ov a phatt man being hung? I guess not. They sumtimes destroy plum puddin, and biled ox, but they never murder enny thing that ain't good tew eat.

That must hav been a phatt Frenchman who exclaimed, upon hiz fust visit tew this kuntry, "By gar! what a people! Ten tousand different religions, and only one gravy!"

In konklusion, i never knu but one phatt skool-master, and he want good for enny thing, only tew slide down hill with the boys. This satisfize me that phat iz only another name for virtew.

LXII.

JOSH TALKS.

"Paul."—Yu ask me what i think ov the "Gift Distributing bizziness," and i don't hesitate tew say, that it has awl the premonitory simptums ov a dead beat.

I hav alwus found that when enny man offers tew giv me ten dollars for 50 cents, he lies; i may think he means to do it, but he don't think so; but i may possibly cum within 2 dollars and a half ov it once, and if i do, i hav dun well, a grate deal better than i will the next time.

I never put enny money into these swindles, and would as soon undertake tew raize a good sized greenback bi planting a shinplaster back ov the hog pen.

If yu get desperate, and feel az tho yu must gamble, or die, go 25 cents, odd or even, on the number ov hairs in a kat's back, and count them; this will cool yu oph.

"Peter."—I kant simpathize with yu, for i never was in love miself, and don't kno what iz best tew grease it with.

Put a plaster on yur back, and see if that won't help yu.

If yu don't git enny better, wash in kerosene ile, and eat sum green persimmons; if that don't make yu feel enny more eazier, git sea-sick, and lift up things; this will cure 9 times out ov ten.

If yu find you don't git enny better, take another dose ov sea-sickness.

If yu keep a gitting, finally, more wuss, yu hav got the real old yeller love, and no mistake.

Thare iz only one kure for this kind, and that iz the ile ov wedlock; but this iz very powerful, and wants tew be took with grate caution.

I hav known one dose ov it tew give a man phitts for life.

"Brahma Pootra."—Speaking ov hens, leads me tew remark, in the fust place, that hens, thus far, are a suckcess.

They are domestick, and occasionally are tuff.

This iz owing tew their not being biled often enuff in their yunger daze; but the hen ain't tew blame for this.