JOSH BILLINGS. (continued 2)

P.S.—I don't want ennybody tew think that i am down on Burns, for i dew consider him the most Poet that ever lived. I had ruther be the authur ov one poum i kno ov, that he rit, than tew be king and queen ov England, and keep a hoss and carriage; but "man warnt made tew mourn" Robert Burns, he iz the kause of hiz own sorrow. For enny further informashun tutching this subjek, address, post paid, with stamp enclosed.

Josh Billings.

Josh Billings wants to know why it is that so many women who are so thin in the face, stick out so everywhere else.—See page 122.

XLII.

PROVERBS.

What a sarkasm it is tew a ded man's memory, tew ask "how much munny he left?"

I don't like tew be alwus a asking questions, but i would really like tu kno whi it is that so manny wimmin who are so thin in the face, stick out so every where else!

Tha tell ov an orful sharp feller out west, who broke out ov an alms houze and made sixteen hundred and thirty two 75/100 dollars, in the substitude bizness, before tha kould ketch him.

The bible asks us, "what will it proffitt a man, if he gain the whole world and loze hiz own soul?" i suppose this depends sumwhat upon the size ov the soul, i think thare are kases whare the trade would do.

The term "skunked," which we often hear applied tew them that gits beat, waz diskovered in this wa: a Radikal and a Conservatiff, went out hunting skunks. The Radikal diskovered one at sum distanse off and without trieing tew git nearer, drew up his musquet, and shot him ded. The Consarvatiff undertook tew ketch his skunk alive, and the konsequents waz, he got—skunked.

The old proverb sez, "Giv the Devil his due!" if this is put thru, what will bekum ov yu, mi friend? and the rest ov the—nabors?

XLIII.

KISSING CONSIDERED.

"Man was made tew mourn," so warbled Burns, "and woman was made tew kiss," so warbles Billings. One ov these centiments haz bin alreddy immortalised, and the other i intend shall be as soon as the Legislater meets. I am not yet lusid how i shall bring the matter befoar that honorabil boddy; but i dew kno how the honorabel boddy feals on the subject, and how tha will act if ever tha hav a good chanse. To give a fertile and golden opinyun, upon kissing in the lump, and kissing in the detale, requires a man ov truth, and sum experiense in tasteing.

IN THE LUMP.

Kissing iz one ov those fu things that is easier dun than deskribed; in fack, about the onla way tew deskribe it well is tew do it well. It iz, without doubt, a verry anshunt enterprise; and judgeing from what we kno ov human natur in this latitude, it must hav struk Adam as a good investment when he fust diskovered hiz wife. If Adam didn't kiss Eve at sight he aint the man i take him tew be; and if Eve didn't relish it, it must hav bin bekause it want well did. Thare iz one thing about kissing in the lump, diffrent from the rest ov the fine arts and that iz, it don't require enny eddikashun tew dew it; i hav even thort that the more unedikated it waz did (provided it didn't miss the mark) the more touching it was tew behold. But kissing is a good deal like eating; thare is not much fun (when a person iz hungry) in standing by, and see it did bi anuther fellow, if it iz did ever so well. It is one ov the cheapess and healthyess luxurys ov the season, and don't sho enny disposishun tew go out ov fashion, and will keep sweet in enny climate. Upon the whole, if yu examine kissing in the lump, clussly, yu will be led tew exclaim: Fustly, that it iz as easy tew hav it did, az it is handy tew dew it. Sekundly, that it is like Cowpers tea, it cures a man without corning him; and, Thirdly, it is a frugal, highly consentrated, and reverend luxury.

IN DETALE.

When we cum tew thro oph glittering generalitys and approach our subjeck in single file, it is then that the divinitee ov the art seems to be spotted; and reveals tew us awl the shades ov pomp and sirkumstanze, from the sublime and tender, clear down tew the redikilus and tuff. Mother's kiss and little baby's kiss are az pure az the utterance ov angells; so is the artless kiss ov sister Mary and—couzin Fanny; but thare iz one cold, blu, lean kiss, that alwus makes me shiver tew see. Two persons (ov the femail perswashun) who hav witnesst a grate menny younger and more pulpy daze, meet in sum publik plase, and not having saw each uther for 24 hours tha kiss immegiately; then tha talk about the weather, and the young man who preached yesterday, and then tha kiss immegiately, and then tha blush and laff at what tha sa tew each other, and kiss agin immegiately. I would not objeckt tew awl this if it want sich a waste ov swetness on the dessart air. I am willing tew be sworn that this kind ov kissing alwus puts me in minde ov two olde flints trieing tew strike fire. How different this from the konnubial kiss i witnesst laste nite. I knu he wast a husband jist got back from a bizzness tower, bi hiz haste. He passt me at the korner below, and awl unexpected enkountered hiz wife, and as natral as the bee tew the flower, tha flu together. Thare want enny thing sentimental about that kiss; thare want enny thing criminal about it. It rang out on the air as clear as the challenge ov a perlice offiser—it filled a whole block. Thare want mutch prelimnary about it neither, for it smashed a 50 dollar bonnett, and muxed up a barricade ov edging and frizzled tucker. It want the fust one, it waz tew well did for that. It want the sipping ov two trembling lovers, afraid ov the echo; it want studdyed out nor stolen, but it wast full ov honest ripeness and chastened struggle which made me hanker for—for, one oph from the same peace. Jist one more remark and I am thru. Thare is one kind ov kissing that has alwus been deeemd extra hazardous (on akount ov fire) and that is kissing yure naber's wife. Gitting the wife's consent don't seem tew make the matter enny the less risky.

Moral.—Don't eat onions during the kissing seazon unless yu chew them well.

XLIV.

FOR A FU MINNITS AMUNG THE SPEERITS.

Bi invitashun i had the happiness tew attend a speerit cirkle in the good old town ov Billingsville last week. A long haired feller bi the name of Professer McGuire, with a face that looked like a sucked lemon, waz the midwife ov the okasion. It seemed that a Mister Bloodgood wanted a dispatch from Miss Jerusha Perkins, who, he claimed, was in the speerit land. After the kandel waz subdued and strikt silence ensued, sum ov the alfiredest thumps took plase on the tabel; mi hair begin tew stan up, and i wished i waz out ov the consarn; but after taking an akount ov stock i cum tew the inference that i could knock the spots oph from the whole bileing ov them, if it cum to actooal bizzness i agreed tew set still and see the whole sport.

In a fu space ov time McGuire begin tew git news from Jerusha, which he ced waz official and waz in the shape ov a letter, and he wud translate it as follers:

May 20th, Speerit Land, 1846.

"Dear Augustus Sidney Bloodgood: Having a fu spare time tew devote terestial things, i take mi pen in hand tew rite yu a fu lines. I am well, and hope theze fu lines will find yu enjoying the same blessin. I hav jist returned from the gardin ov Eden whare i hav bin with Dave Sturgiss, who was killed at the battell ov Gettisburg bi gitting choked with a pease ov hard tacks. The weather iz fine, and there iz evry prospeck ov krops; I never see the potaters look finer. Dri goods is cheap here, yu can buy good factory cottin cloth, yard wide, for eleven cents a yard and hav thred thrown in. I see the Widder Bostwick yesterday, she looks as starched up as ever.

"Would yu beleaf it, dear Augustus, that ugly Miss Snubdin is here, how yu used tew hate her! yu kno yu used tew sa that she wud go tew that uther land ov speerits. Let me hear from yu oftin thru the dear McGuire. Me and anuther speerit bi the name of Julia roost on the same celestial tree, and we oftin talk over the fellers we used tu know, and yu kan bet high, dear Augustus, that yu are the one that i brag on. Don't let enny ov them terestial mortals fool yu with their luv, for Jerusha's essence has no affinitee but for her corporeal jewell, Augustus Sidney Bloodgood."

At this junkter thare waz 6 raps on the tabel about az fast and loud az tho there waz playing kards, and sumboddy about being eukered; then awl was still and the kandels waz lit, and evry boddy sot in aw and amazement. The sircle broke up immejiately, and i passed out with mi frend, who asked me what i thought ov speerit manifestashuns now. I told him i thought if evrything waz on the square, that Bloodgood had a ded sure thing on Jerush.

XLV.

SAYINGS.

A gest is sumthin that is sharp enuff to be notised, and not rude enuff tu be resented.

"Solaman was a wize man," but when he ced thar warnt enny thing nu under the sun, he hadn't herd ov Hudsin River time tables.

"Large bodys move slo," this ere proverb dont apply tu lies, for the bigger tha ar, the faster tha go.

The only wa tu pleze evra boddy, is tu make evry boddy think yu ar a bigger fule than tha ar.

Ignorance is ced tu be bliss, this ma be so, I never tried it.

It's just as natral for lawyers tu lie, as it is for a white hared yung one's nose tu run.

The man who kan ware a shirt a hole week and keap it klean, aint fit for enny thing else.

The more we hav, the more we want, and the more we want, the less we hav.

"The law ov nashuns;" iron klad gun botes.

Evra sorrow has its twin joy; the fun of skraching almost pays for having the ich.

XLVI.

JOSH GOES TO LONG BRANCH.

"Hum agin! Hum agin! from a forrin shore!" or in uther wurds less juicy but equally tru, i hav got back from Long Branche, whither i went tew git mi buty and health restored. I waz thare 2 weeks, and lost 50 pounds in munny, and gained 10 pounds in meat. i feal like a fur tippet. I shall go down nex summer, if mi life iz spared also. I made a grate menny nu ackquaintance, that will be hard tew fergit, amung which, waz a nu kind of likker, which they kall apple toddy; this likker would be an invaluable dockument tew take amung the heathen tew convert them; 2 horns ov it would set them crazy—for civilizashun. The natur ov the sile or land there iz impregnated with sand, which iz adapted tew raisin a dust when the wind bloze, and also iz capabel ov produsing, (az i see bi the statisticks ov the state sensus) more fleas tew the aker without the aid ov manure, than iz needed for hum consumption. The two prinsipal attrackshuns there iz the air, and the water, which are to be had in enny quantity, at a slite advanse from fust cost. The men and wimmin go in swimming together which at the fust sight looks a leetle risky, but az soon az they git used tew it, tha tell me, tha aint afrade ov each other at all. Thare iz 15 taverns at Long Branch, and thare iz ground room tew build more ov them, and az far az i kno, no man need tew go away without spending awl ov hiz munny, if he haz got enny ambishun about him. Thare waz sevral verry fashionable wimmin on exhibishun thare, and altho they didn't hav on mutch clothes, what they did hav, waz wuth the munny. I also saw sevral diamonds thare, which they ced were discovered at little falls, in this state, and waz wuth respectfully, from 2, to 5 dollars. One verry pleazing feeter waz the fast trotting hosses which belonged tew the natives ov the surrounding country, which were brought down in front ov the taverns evry day, tew trot for the amuzement, & instruktion, ov the guests. The Hosses didn't seem to me tew trot az fast az the drivers did, but i dont think enny body ever saw more dust raized, still, if hollering out loud iz enny sign that the hosses waz a trotting fast, then Flory Temple never had any bizness at Long Branch, unless it waz for her health. Hoss trotting iz at best a cruel enterprize, but when it iz gone into, with slow hosses, and unskillful drivers, it iz about az disgusting az the opening ov Rockaway clams, with a shoe-hammer. You will find awl the different styles ov docktrine and pollyticks, at Long Branche. One feller asked me "if i didn't think that the southern confederasy would be recognized before long," and i ced, that the southren confederasy had bin recognized, for more than 3 years, bi awl sensibel & honest people, az the moste cussidest ov awl things cussid. And another feller asked me what i thought ov the doktrine ov poligamy. i replied tew him, in a few wurds, that it waz tew mutch doktrine, for enny one man tew hav, and dew the subjeck justiss. Az good a way az enny tew git tew Long Branch, iz bi the steam Bote Jesser Hoyt, and the Delaware Ba ralerode. The cars on this rale rode will put enny man in minde ov one ov the cages in which van amburgh's trained animels are carried around the kuntry, and az for speed, thare iz but one thing on arth slower, and that iz a bread pill. In konclusion, Long Branch iz about the onla thing in the state ov Nu Jersee, that dont belong tew the Camptown, and Amboy Ralerode, and ought tew be visited as a natral curiosity on that vera akount, if for no uther. The prinsipel amuzements ov the plase are pitching cents, and walking a mile and a half, back into the kuntry, tew see a liberty pole. Thare iz one custom thare that mite be altered, if it couldn't be improved, and that iz awl the niggers seem tew hav bin born for the express purpiss ov standing around when a guest leaves, with evry feature in their fase resembling a 25 cent shinplaster in distress, and even the Landlord's look, and act az tho you waz going oph, without paying them awl the munny yu had. Visiting Long Branch, in this respeck, iz like going down into a marsh, in muskeeter time, awl the inhabitants stick a bill into you. Thare iz no ingenuity in this wa ov skinning a man, it iz like skinning a cat, a little evry day, tew make it hurt less.

Yours at sight, Josh Billings.

XLVII.

TO MY LADY CORRESPONDENTS.

Cora.—Now yu ask me tew mutch. I kant giv no sartin resippee tew make a feller pop the question. Sum men are awful slow on a court, tha are like olde houn dogs, all tha want iz to be sure tha are on the rite track, and don't seem tew kare if tha don't never cum up with the game. If i was a gal, and one ov this kind ov dogs got after me, i wud hole rite off, and if he didn't commense tu dig me out at onst, i shud kno he waz only hunting for fun.

Rebekar.—I am dredful sorry tew hear yu are a widder. I kno how tu pity yu, i haint never bin a widder miself, but i hav bin in a habit ov pittying widders, for a grate length ov time. And yu tell me yu are a yung widder too, wuss and wusser. If yu find that thare aint nobody in yure naberhood who understands pittying yung widders, let me kno at onst, and i will see what kan be did for yu.

Flora.—I like yure spirit, yu hav got a soul. Thare aint no diskount on to it. Stan yure ground, don't giv an inch the olde man will cum to hiz milk bimeby. The idee that yu kant hav a bonnet az good as Sal Parker haz got, iz darned likely. If i waz a gal, and mi olde man wouldn't go 50 dollars for me a plane bonnet, blame me if i wouldn't go into a dekline, spit blood, or hav a pane in the bak, or see a ghost, and set and shiver till the olde man cum doun with the bonnet.

Lizzy.—Yu sa yu are sixteen years old, and aint marrid yet. That looks a little dusty, but don't dispare, az long az thare iz life theres hope. If i hear ov enny boddy looking around for a woman, ill let yu kno forthwithly. Send me forty or fifty ov yure fotograffs, tha are good things tu skatter around luce. Az i ced in mi last letter i kant la doun no rule tu kech a hustband, men kant tell themselves half the time what ketched them, awl tha kno iz that tha git keched the cussedest evra now and then.

Matilda.—Lap dogs are verry skase jist now prinsipally owing tew the skasity ov them. I see one yesterda that was almost heavenly. The owner asked 50 dollars for him, he had sore eys, and the itch, but tha tell me that awl lap dogs haz theze trifling komplantes. I saw anuther one, which the owner onla asked thirty-five dollars for, he had small sized fits, but waz warrented not tew hav more than three fits in enny one da. I think this dog iz jist what yu are looking for; i offered thirty-seven dollars for him, if the owner wud heave in a vial ov fits medisin. He is tew giv me an anser tomorrow.

P. S.—I hav bought the dog and will send him bi xpress. hiz name iz Agusty Seazer.

XLVIII.

ON WIDDERS.

Widders are an interesting studdy. Tha ma be dividid (tew anser our purpis,) into 3 classes: The Lone, The Grass, and The Star Spangled Banner Widder. The Lone Widder iz ginerally selebrated for her piety, she haz passed the middle ov life, she knows she haz got gra hairs in her hed, she will tell her age, and talks tenderla ov her ded husband. Her grief iz sober, her weeds are rank, if she iz ritch, she is charitable, if she is poor, she is humble. She seldum marrys the sekund time. Her cheerfulness never bekums gayety, and her sorrow never bekums lamentashun. If she has children, she treats them as the partners ov her bereavment, if she has none, she bends down tew those she meets as she wud tew the arly flower in her pathway. Her hole life is a glora tew her sek, and an honour evra da tew him whose good memry amung men she perpetuates.

The Grass Widder is marrid without enny husband. She keeps house at a hotel, and kalls the servants bi familiar names. She sez that her husband is a kurnel in the armee. Her thesis is unkongenial tempraments, she kan repeat Don Juan, and hides Boccassio's tales under her pillow. If she wud ride out she orders a coach, and a gentleman; if she is ritch, she is arrogant, if she is poor, she is brasen. She kalls virtue prudery, and sez she wouldn't swop chastity with Dianner. If her kurnel is fortunate enuff tew git shot in battle, yu ma meet her and hiz Lutenant at Nuport nex summer, marrid—for the season.

The Star Spangled Widder iz yung, ornamental, and—a fule. She marrid her husband bekauze hiz name waz Alphonzo, and she mourns for him in at least 50 feet ov krape. Her fingers are as jewelled as the hilt ov a Spanish dagger. She was eddikated at a fust klass seminare, with a 9 months' vakashun in it evry year, and talks awl the languages, excep english, bravely. She gases on you from beneath her limber eyelashes, as pensiv as a wel fed kitten. Yu ma think she wants tew marry, but she thinks she onla wants a friend. If she shud snare some old feller, with a full puss, she wil make him a good toddy stik for his beverage. She has more chastity than sens, and more vartue than affeckshun.

Upon refleckshun i am disposed tew sa that there iz no condishun that a woman iz kalled upon tew fill so delikate, and so diffikult, as the widder; a condishun in which the lovlaness ov their naturs kan be made tew challenge our respek and admirashun, az alzo, a condishun in which their frailties may exsite our abhorrense, and their weakness, our disguss—Amen!

XLIX.

THINGS THAT I DON'T HANKER AFTER TO SEE.

A man out at the elbows, and his wife out tew a woman's rites convenshun.

A yung lady ov more circumference than the diameter ov her father's real estate.

A boy under 15 with over 15 bad habits.

A long bill at the tailor's, that belongs tew a short Bill at the St. Nicholas.

A man who haz more hair under his nose than knows under his hair.

A virgin who haz beat 40, afrade ov a rane bo.

A pollytision leading in prayer.

A man whoze houze wants painting a different culler from hiz noze.

Charitee that evra boddy knowz ov.

A house so divided agin itself, that it dont kno which wa tew fall.

"Augers that won't bore," unless tha kan hav the privilege ov splitting.

Josh Billings goes in bathing at Long Branch.—See page 133.

L.

ON COURTING.

Courting is a luxury, it is sallad, it is ise water, it is a beveridge, it is the pla spell ov the soul. The man who has never courted haz lived in vain; he haz bin a blind man amung landskapes and waterskapes; he has bin a deff man in the land ov hand orgins, and by the side ov murmuring canals. Courting iz like 2 little springs ov soft water that steal out from under a rock at the fut ov a mountain and run down the hill side by side singing and dansing and spatering each uther, eddying and frothing and kaskading, now hiding under bank, now full ov sun and now full ov shadder, till bimeby tha jine and then tha go slow. I am in faver ov long courting; it gives the parties a chance to find out each uther's trump kards, it iz good exercise, and is jist as innersent as 2 merino lambs. Courting iz like strawberries and cream, wants tew be did slow, then yu git the flaver. I hav saw folks git ackquainted, fall in luv, git marrid, settel down and git tew wurk, in 3 weeks from date. This is jist the wa sum folks larn a trade, and akounts for the grate number ov almitey mean mechanicks, we hav and the poor jobs tha turn out.

Perhaps it iz best i shud state sum good advise tew yung men, who are about tew court with a final view to matrimony, az it waz. In the fust plase, yung man, yu want tew git yure systen awl rite, and then find a yung woman who iz willing tew be courted on the square. The nex thing is tew find out how old she is, which yu kan dew bi asking her and she will sa that she is 19 years old, and this yu will find won't be far from out ov the wa. The nex best thing iz tew begin moderate; say onse evry nite in the week for the fust six months, increasing the dose as the pasheint seems to require it. It is a fust rate wa tew court the girl's mother a leetle on the start, for there iz one thing a woman never despizes, and that iz, a leettle good courting, if it is dun strikly on the square. After the fust year yu will begin to be well ackquainted and will begin tew like the bizzness. Thare is one thing I alwus advise, and that iz not to swop fotograffs oftener than onse in 10 daze, unless yu forgit how the gal looks.

Okasionally yu want tew look sorry and draw in yure wind az tho yu had pain, this will set the gal tew teazing yu tew find out what ails yu. Evening meetings are a good thing tu tend, it will keep yure religgion in tune; and then if the gal happens tew be thare, bi acksident, she kan ask yu tew go hum with her.

Az a ginral thing i wouldn't brag on uther gals mutch when i waz courting, it mite look az tho yu knu tew mutch. If yu will court 3 years in this wa, awl the time on the square, if yu don't sa it iz a leettle the slikest time in yure life, yu kan git measured for a hat at my expense, and pa for it. Don't court for munny, nor buty, nor relashuns, theze things are jist about az onsartin as the kerosene ile refining bissness, liabel tew git out ov repair and bust at enny minnit.

Court a gal for fun, for the luv yu bear her, for the vartue and bissness thare is in her; court her for a wife and for a mother, court her as yu wud court a farm—for the strength ov the sile and the parfeckshun ov the title; court her as tho she want a fule, and yu a nuther; court her in the kitchen, in the parlor, over the wash-tub, and at the pianner; court this wa, yung man, and if yu don't git a good wife and she don't git a good hustband, the falt won't be in the courting.

Yung man, yu kan rely upon Josh Billings, and if yu kant make these rules wurk jist send for him and he will sho yu how the thing is did, and it shant kost yu a cent.

LI.

REMARKS.

Piety iz a good kind ov dissease for a man tew hav, but when he has so mutch ov it that he has tew go behind the door on Sunday to drink his whiskee, it will dew tew watch him the rest of the week.

Menny think tha luv their husbands almost tew deth, when in fack, tha are only jealous ov them.

Thoze familys who are really fust class, never are afraid that tha shall git cheated out ov their respektability, while the codfish familys are alwus nervous lest tha mite.

The onla sure resipee tew govern mankind with, iz the rod; yu ma festoon it with flowers and case it with velvet, if yu pleze, but it iz the rod, after all, that duz the bizzness.

I kant conseive a more despikable opjek than a proud and arrogant man; he makes me think ov an old Tom Turkey trieing tew git mad at a red flannel pettycoat on a clothes line.

It iz not onla highly natral tew luv the femail sek, but 'tis highly pleasant.

Verry few people enjoy munny, bekauze tha kant git enuff ov it.

We are told that a contented man is happy, and we mite hav bin told, at the same, that a mudturkle could fly if it onla had wings.

It wont dew tew stir up a man when he is thinking, enny more than it will a pan ov milk when the cream is rising.

Thare is one time when awl men are comparitiffly pure, and that is when tha are in luv.

Humbolt was a man ov verry high attainments.

It iz eazy enuff tew raize the devil, but he iz a hard crop tew reap.

It appears tew me that a poor story iz a good deal like a grist, the oftner it iz told, the less thare iz ov it; but then, perhaps, i am mistaken.

I hav bin told that swine Lager iz the Dutch for root beer.

LII.

THE FAULT-FINDER.

Good Lord, deliver us from the Falt finder, one ov yure kronick grunters, i mean. Theze kind ov humin critters are alwuss full ov self consait; if tha waz humble and wud dam themself okasionally, i wud try tew pity them. Yure falt-finding old bachelor, for instanze, odars a pair ov No. 8 boots, and then kolides with his shumaker insted ov his big feet; he walks tew the depo tew saive hack-hire and misses the trane, and then kolides with the time-table; he kourts a gal till she has tew marry sumboddy else tew keep from spileing, and then he don't believe thare is a vartuous woman living. If he enjoys ennything he dus it under protess, and if ennyboddy else enjoys ennything he knows tha lie about it. He is like a seckund rate bull tarrier, alwus a fiteing, and alwus gitting licked. These kind ov critters never are reddy tew die, bekause tha haint never begun tew live. I never maik their ackquaintanse enny more than i dew sumboddy's small pox, bekause i am a looking after bright things and haint got enny to lose. Thare aint enny remedee for this dissease but hunger, and that aint parmanent unless it results in starvashun. Good Lord, deliver us from the falt-finder! if yu undertake tew argy with them yu onla flatter them, and if yu jine in with them yu onla maik them mad with themselfs.

I had rather be a target for awl the bad luk in this wurld than tew go thru life shuteing a pizen arrow at awl the good luk. The more i think ov it, the more i keep thinking that falt-finding iz verry much like bobing for eels with a raw potater; a fust rate wa tew git out ov consait ov awl kinds ov fishing, and a fust rate wa not tew ketch enny eels.

LIII.

PROVERBS.

Chastity iz like an isikel. if it onse melts that's the last ov it.

Dew a good turn whenever yu kan even if yu hav tew turn sumboddy's grinstun tu dew it.

When a man dies the fust thing we talk about iz hiz welth, the nex thing hiz failings, and the last thing hiz vartues.

I suppose the "bone of contenshun" iz the collar bone.

An ungrateful childe is the revenge of Heaven.

After awl ced and dun the gran sekret of winning is tew win.

The studdy ov humin natur is a good deal like the studdy ov dessekshun, yu finde out a good menny curis things, but it is a nasty job after awl.

When a man's dog deserts him on akount ov his poverty, he kant git enny lower down in this world, not bi land.

Sekrets maik a dungin of the harte, and a jailor ov its owner.

Don't let us forgit that the higher up we git the smaller will things look tew us here belo.

Natur haz no artifise, she plants her flowers in the gardin and in the wilderness, and endows them alike.

It iz tru that welth won't maik a man vartuous, but i notis thare ain't ennyboddy who wants tew be poor jist for the purpiss ov being good.

Luv iz like the meazels, we kant alwus tell when we ketched it and ain't ap tew hav it severe but onst, and then it ain't kounted mutch unless it strikes inly.

Tew be a suckcessful pollytysian, a man shud be butterd on both sides and then keep awa from the fire.

LIV.

KOLIDING.

The wurd "kolide," used bi ralerode men, haz an indefinit meaning tew menny folks. Thru the kindness of a nere and dear frend, i am able tew translate the wurd so that enny man ken understand it at onst. The term "kolide" is used tew explain the sarkumstanse ov 2 trains ov cars triing tew pass each uther on a single trak. It is ced that it never yet haz bin did suckcessfully, hence a "kolide."

Josh Billings.

LV.

ON SNAIKS AND MUDTURKLES.

I divide snaiks into one class, to wit, the devilish:

They are ov much antiquity, having appeared about the same time that Adam did. The exact purpis for which tha was built hain't been explored yet; but one thing is sartin, tha are quite slippery and eazy to bend. Tha travel on thair bellys, and go down hill the moste eazyest; this is owing tew the fack that tha hain't got enny good rigging tew hold back with.

Snaix have but few warm friends, altho thare is folks who flatter them; sich persons ought tew be obliged to ware a pair ov them for a cravat. Thare is but one thing that makes me more horrible than a striped snaik, and that is a big black one jest sliding away from the place whare I was going tew sit down on the grass.

We are told that Eve waz sedused bi a snaik, i don' beleave thare is a woman living now, in theze parts, that it could be did tew without spileing the snaik. I hav bin in the habit, ov late years, ov sedusing snaiks miself evvry chanse i could git; i ginerally dew it bi gitting them tew put their heds under a stone, and then i cruelly desert them; sich is life.

Snaiks are amphibicus and thoze which dwell in the water are called eels. Tha are ov awl cullers, and sum are pizen tew behold; amung theze are the koperheds, but tha never bite enny ov their own folks. Snaiks hav got a big appertite, akordin tew their size; i hav saw them no thicker than your finger, with 4 inches wide ov toad in them, tha stuck out like 2 quarts ov milk that had got into a young pup bi acksident.

The largest snaik in the wurld iz kept at Newport, he iz owned bi the landlords, he never haz bin shown tew but one person tew a time, and then he is generally 110 feet long; thousands go thare tew see him summers, and pay 3 dollars a da for board and 2 dollars a week tew the servants for something tew eat.

I beleave a snaik never dies onla bi mistake, and never ventures out mutch in the winter when the travling iz bad, and lays eggs like a small hen, but don't set on them bekauze tha hain't got enny more heat in their body than a ramrod haz.

Almoste evry humin being haz got a nateral appertite agin snaix, and i will bet, if you shud put a striped snaik in a 10 aker lot, whare there was 27 wimmin picking strawberries, and holler out, "striped snaik! striped snaik!" evry woman would skream, and go to feeling rite oph for the snaik. It is ced that snaik ile applied to the back ov a man's neck, will cure him from lieing. This is wuth trieing, even if it wont wurk, but mi individoal presentiment iz, that when the lieing disease gits familiar with a man, deth alone will put an eend to his sufferings. But I dont want it understood that I am agin snaik ile, for this one reason if no other, the more snaik ile there is in the market, the less snaiks.

MUDTURKLES.

Mudturkles liv in a shell, which tha git verry mutch attached to. Tha are not fond ov company, and seldom receive visitors in their houses. Their food consists prinsipally of what they eat, which tha find wharever tha kan git it. Their style iz haf land, and haf water, and tha are at home on the banks or at the bottom ov a kanal. Tha hav sum eggs, which tha lay in sum warm sand, and ginerally hav them hatched out tew the halves. Tha belong tew the class known az "close korporashuns," and are a hard animil tew whip, bekause tha alwus fite under cover. The mudturkle kant climb very well, and therefore seldum iz found up a tree. Tha are verry tuff ov life, and will outlive an injun rubber shoe, and don't seem tew gro old enny faster than a paving stone duz. Tha kan be domestikated without enny trubble; awl yu hav tew dew, iz tew put them into a barrel, and tha aint ap tew stray off far. Mudturkles hav their faults, but tha won't lie, nor drink rum, nor chaw terbacker, and tho tha cant trot as fast az sum hosses kan, thare sure tew git tew whare tha go tew, and never brake down on the rode. I take a deep interest in moste awl the animils, and particularly in mudturkles, and i dew hope that the Legislature in their wisdum won't pass a law "prohibiting enny more mudturkles." I regret tew hear, that in sum parts ov the kuntry, the people are in the habit of using mudturkles tew pitch quoits with, but I think this wants an affidavy with a revenew stamp onto it.

In theze mi remarks about snaix and mudturkles i hav tried hard tew tell the truth, but if i hav failed, it is owing tew the grate skasity ov truth in theze days.

LVI.

TRUE BILLS.

Tru dignity is the effeck ov the conscious possession ov ability and vartue. False dignity is the effeck ov nu clothes, no branes and mutch vittles.

Tru currage is the knowledge ov right and the determination tew dew it. False currage is a willingness tew dew what is rong bekauze others sa it iz right.

Tru religgun iz tew fear God, love man and hate the devil. False religgun iz tew hate God, fear man and luv the devil.

True faith is a parfeck trust in what we are satisfied iz truth. False faith is a craziness tew beleave, simpla bekauze we kant understand.

Tru liberta is the possession ov our own rights and due respek for the rights ov uthers. False liberta iz a desire tew possess uther's rights and no respek for our own.

Tru wisdum iz a plenta ov experiense, observashun and reflekshun. False wisdom iz a plenta ov ignorance, arogance and impudence.

LVII.

NARRATIF.

"Wunce as I was travling thru tioga keounty, a peddlin, selebrated pills," I was akosted by a individual whose dress indikated, that he was in the kolporter bisness. We met, and stopped smoltaneously, as it war; we looked into each others phases, sarching as it war, for a linamont, a oasus, that we nu, or had hearn tell of, but the trak pedlar, and pill pedlar, had evidently met for the first time on arth. The dela that was thus instituted, giv me a margin for a clus communion with the kolporturs feturs, and stile of habiliment, and tru to natur, tuk the chance—he was about 59 years old, was very lite in the karkass, and wore his close very much as a methodis dus, and had one of them kountenances that Moses was celebrated for. I felt at the first site, that he wud do tu ti to. He komensed as follers:—"Wafarin man, monament of sparin mersa, du yu feel as tho yu had enny intrest in yurself, hev yu ever been tried by the fire that takes awa the spiritoal dross, and had yur soal a flutterin agin the ribbid prisin bars of yur body, like a kaged song bird of heavin? If yu haint, read and peroose this trak; the ile that it kontains, will permoate thru the resesses of yur hart, like the quicksilver of luv, and lukrubrate the loose roaling stuns, that ly in yur jordanick pathwa." As he cum to a stop, he bent on tu me one of those meller looks, that a tom kat gives tu the mouse, as it lays pantin afore him, with a skin full of broken bones, and a reachin around, he pulled from his sadle bags, a trak of four pages, and give it tu me, with (if I ma be aloud the expresshun) a angelik tenderness, and as he did so, he karlessly tuk a look at my hoss, who stood quietly in the harness, a restin wun of his hine fete. I thanked him, and sed I wud peroose the trak, an hoped to find the ile, and silver, he spoak of. Not tu be bete in generosity, I opened the lid of mi waggin, and selekted a box of pills, with a full kount, and arisin from mi sete, I kommenced as follers, "respected kolportur, allou me tu disiprookate, by plasin at yur disposal a full kount box, of the selebrated antydiluvion pills, begot by Josh Billings (late of this tioga keounty,) who now stans befoor yu. These pills are friendla tu the innards of enny man, are holy made of rootes, are as saif tu take as a fotograph, and at the same time, are as thoro as a sarch warrant, there ar 26 ov them in a box, an tha sel, with a ful size fax similer of the author on the lid ov the box. He tuk the antydiluvions, and summed up as follers, "docter Billings, the perfeshun which you hav chose, is wone ov the most anshient as wel as wone of the most humain, it speaks volumes in yur praze, and as i winde mi wa on errants of soal mersa, upon mi noble hoss (whose only falt, or rather misfortin is a paneful saddil gaul,) swete gushes of jowus thout will wel up from mi happer harte, that praps our auspicious meeting tu da ma bee the menes of awakin in yu, a arnest kry what shal i du tu bee saved." At the kloze ov this speach, i wud have bin willin tu bet a Box of antydiluvions agin a 10 rowed papir of solid headed pins, that the kolporter was nasty on a hoss swap, and i kum tu the konklusion that i wud just feal of his stile in that wa. Pretendin tu hav just notised his hoss i went inter fits over the diskivery, and soon found i had struc a lead, for the star spangle bannor, never had at one time enny more sed in its praze, than the kolporter let of in favor ov his old hoss. Not edzackly disposed tu swaller, without stirrin, all he sed, i thout i wud look the kritter over, and; jumpin out ov my waggin, fur that purpis, soon found out that the trak pedler was after Jonas, insted of me. After i had got the full size of the sarkumstanses in the kase, i kum tu one of the brisk konklusions that the Billings family are subject tu, by hintin in oktave, "that the kolporter was a dam hiperkrit, and his spavined hoss a dam old pelter." This suddint bust of centiment on mi part, awoke the sleapin pieta of the trak pedlar, and he at wunst tuk me tu do for swarin. After i had told him, that his prain and my swarin, was oph of the same peace, an neather ov us ment any thing we sed, we parted,—the kolporter to save soals, and swap hosses, and Josh Billings tu sell, for 25 sents a box, the antidiluvion pills, as saif as rute beer, and as sartin as the bight ov a mogasin."

LVIII.

PHOTOGRAPHS.

Enclosed yu will be pleazed tew find my fotograff, taken from life, on the spot, whare the circumstanze occurred. I take the liberta tew send yu the picter, for the 7 different ensuing reasons: 1—Photograffs are gitting skase. 2—If you should ever meet me by mistake, yu wud be able to kno me rite oph, bi asking me if I resembled the pictur. 3—I am a marrid man, and am the author ov a familee, and therefore the danger ov any femail fallin in luv with me, bi cuming in contak with the picter, will be painfully redused. 4—It iz better that 99 humbly cusses should eskape, than that one decent looking man should suffer bi not having hiz fotograff taken. 5—A grate menny folks, jist now at this time, are troubled with a literature on the brane. This pictur will put yu in clus communion with a man who haz had this diseaze, but who haz so far rekovered, that he iz able to sit up and laff at others, who are trieing to ketch the same disorder. 6—I resembel this pictur, and that ken be ced ov so few things in this wurld, that i thought noboddy would git mad and call me a verry d—n fule, for sirkulating the pictur. 7—The artiss said I was hard tew take, and this pictur was a triumph ov the art; he alzo added that some ware so eazy tew take that it was actooally dangerous tew leave ennything in their reach. These reasons must be mi excuse for sending yu my pictur; if it don't look as yu expekted i did, jist let me kno, and i will have one taken that duz. Verry highly i remane yures,

Josh Billings.

Josh Billings having stopped to kiss the baby once more, arrives at the depot just too late to catch the Express train (?)—See page 156.

LIX.

AFFERISIMS.

I suppoze the reazon why wimmin are so fast talkers, is bekause tha dont hav tew stop tew spit on their hands.

After Joseph's bretheren had beat him out ov hiz cut ov menny cullers, what did tha dew nex? Tha pittied him!

Thare is nothing in this life that will open the pores ov a man so mutch, as tew fall in luv, it makes him fluent as a tin whissell, as limber as a boy's watch chain, and as perlite as a dansing master; his harte is as full ov sunshine as a hay field, and there aint any more guile in him than there is in a stik ov merlasses candy.

Thare dont seem tew be enny end tew the ambishun ov men, but thare is one thing that sum ov them will find out if tha ever dew get tew heaven, and that is tha cant git enny further.

He who kan hold awl he gits, kan most generally git more.

Conshense, is onla another name for truth.

Yu kant alwus tell a gentleman by his clothes, but yu kan bi his finger nails.

Adam invented "Luv at first sight," one ov the gratest laber saving masheens the world ever saw.

It is a grave question whether, in curtailing super-fluitys in these hard times, we have a moral right tew cut oph a dorg's tale tew save the expense ov boarding it.

Are Greenbacks a lawful tender? If yu dont believe it tri one on me, espeshila one ov the heavy ones.

Dont never parade yure good luck, nor yure bad luck before men, the first will make them think less ov yu, and the second will make them think more of themselves.

Thare are a grate multitude ov individuals who are like blind mules, anxious enough to kick, but kant tell whare.

I hav herd a grate deal ced about "broken hartes," and thare may be a fu ov them, but mi experiense is that nex tew the gizzard, the harte is the tuffest peace ov meat in the whole critter.

LX.

JOSH GITS ORFULLY BIT.

I hav finally ketched it. I hav bin like a lam led sudden tu the slauter and had mi blood sucked out ov me, az though it waz only sweet sider, and belonged tu sumbody else. I am a man ov peace, but low, and behold! there aint a peace in me now, but what iz bit, punkterd, and tore.

I retired laste nite tu rest, at the usual time; on the north side ov me, and about 2 feet adjacent, waz the side ov the hous, on the south side ov me, and about 2 feet adjacent la mi wife. I dropt tu sleep, az a snoflake dus on the buzzum ov a silvery Lake, (i have a faint idee that this laste sentense, for lovlaness, kant be beat, handy.) I dreamed a good-sized, hot dream.

Suddenly i awoke.

The room waz full ov yels, and skreams. responsiv I dashed wildly akross the room, ackompanied by mi shirt tale. i lit a lite. I harked, one ov mi moste reliable harks. Awl waz still; still az a crows nest, in the ded ov winter. I gazed a gaze, az tho i waz triing tu thread the rong end ov a kambrik needle. Awa in the distance, solitara, and alone, clus up tu the ceiling, chawing hiz cud, sot a little grey cuss. I dipped a koars towel into a basen ov water, and rung it out, i krept up under the little grey cuss, i tuk aim, and fired,

Awl waz still again. I onlighted the kandle, and saught mi kouch.

LXI.

THINGS THAT SUIT ME.

I like an aimabel man, (not one who will let yu spit on him,) but one who don't want tew spit on enny boddy else.

I like a stirring man, (not one who stirs up musses,) but one who haz got sumthing tew dew and duz it.

I like a good looking man, (not a pretty man), but one who looks well—into things, one whom yu can't phule with a mare's nest, unless he sees the old mare on it.

I like a gritty man, (not a dirty one), but one that pitches in like a frog oph from a saw log, no matter how deep the water iz.

I like a fass hoss, (one that goes fass bekauze he luvs tew), sich a critter iz half human; he never ought to be hitched tew a plough, he ought tew be took out ov hiz stable az a wild pigeon had out of hiz cage, and let him—go.

I like a rat tarrier with hiz hair awl combed forward, hiz eyes on fire, hiz tale straight out stiff, evry muscle alive, and the entire dorg only 3 feet off from a rat hole.

I like a woman, (handsum if it iz convenient,) with more wisdum than larning, chaste, but not frozen, soft, but not silly, and fond, but not fussy, sich wimmin are skase, and are going tew be skaser.

I like religion, (the kind that wurks 6 days and rests on the 7,) which acks on a man's soul, az congriss water duz on hiz boddy, phesicks him well, but dont make him enny weaker.

I like good order—good morals—good frends—and awl things well dun, except beefsteak, and that I want rare dun.

LXII.

MY FUST GONG.

I never kan eradicate holy from mi memry the sound ov the first gong I ever herd—i was setting on the frunt stupe ov a tavern in the sitty ov Bufferlo, pensively a smokin. The sun was a goin tu bed, and the heavens fur and nere was blushing at the purformanse. The Eri kanall with its goldin waters was on its windin wa tu albany, and i was perusin the line botes, a flotin by, and thinkin ov Italy, (whare i used tu live,) and her gondolers, and gallus wimmin. Mi entire sole was, as it ware in a swet, i wanted tu climb, i felt grate, i aktually grew. Thar ar things in this life tu big tu be trifled with, thar ar times when a man brakes luce from hisself, when he sees speerits, when he kan almost tuch the moon, and feels as tho he kud fill both hands with the stars ov heavin and almost sware he was a bank president. Thats what ailed me. But the korse ov tru luv never did run smoove, (this iz Shakesperes opinion too, i and he often think thru one quill) just az i was duing my best, ... dummer, dummer, spat, bang, beller, crash, roar, ram, dummer, dummer, whang, rip, rare, rally, dummer, dummer, dummer dum, ... with one tremenjis jump, i struck the senter ov the side walk, with anuther i kleared the gutter and with anuther, i stud in the middle ov the strets snorting like a injin poney, at a band ov musik; i gazed in wilde dispare at the tavern stand, mi harte swelled up as big as an out door oven, mi teeth were as luce as a string ov prairy beads. I thout all the crokery in the tavern stand had fell down, i thout ov fenomenoms, i thought ov gabrel and his horn. i was just on the pint ov thinking ov sumthing else when the landlord cum out to the frunt stupe ov the tavern stand holding by a string the bottom ov an old brass kittle. He called me gentla with his hand i went slola and sadla tu him, he calmed mi feres, he ced it was a gong; i saw the cussed thing, he ced supper was reddy, he axed me if i would hav black or green tea and i ced i would.

LXIII.

PROVERBS.

Up-and-down men are skase, but the horizontal are less skaser.

Thare iz sum disseazes that kant be kured even bi deth, for we oftin see them brake out on a man's tombstun more violent than ever.

The burden ov menny ov the songs that are ritten iz the song itself.

Thare iz no better kompliment tew vartue than this: "That Vise alwus konkocts her grate plans in the naim ov vartue."

The tempel ov Fame iz lokated on an exceeding hi mountin, and yu hav got tew fli or kreep tew git tew it. (N. B. This provarb haz bin ced before, and ain't one ov mine, but it iz jiss as tru as tho it was.)

Buty iz a short suckcess, but while it lastes it iz quite pretty.

"The flour ov the familee," iz, alas! quite oftin a little injun.

If innersense iz onla the result ov ignoranse, it ain't enny more one ov the vartues than buty iz; but if it iz the effek ov eddikashun it iz the queen ov the vartues.

Vartue needs awl the enemys she haz got, tew keep her tools bright and in order.

I never beleaved mutch in spirits unless tha kum direk from Jamaka, and then onla in small-sized ones.

"Absense ov mind;" about 2 thirds ov the humin rase are trubbled with this kalamitee.

It taiks 2 tew maik a bargin; it ought tew taik 2 tew brake it.

Yu ma differ as mutch as yu plese about the stile ov a yung lady's figger, but i tell yu konfidenshally, if she has got $40,000, the figger is about as near rite as yu wil git it.

"Glory enuff for one day;" attending a kamp meeting.

Goldsmith sez, "Larn the luxury ov dewing good;" but the luxury, now a daze, consiss in larning how tew du a leetle better.

I often hear affekshunate husbands kall their wifes "Mi Duck," i wunder if this ain't a sli delusion tew their big bills?

LXIV.

DISIPLIN IZ EVRATHING—IN 2 PARTS.

Part Fust—I dont suppoze thare is enny dout about this assershun. A man who haint got propper disiplin, iz jist about ov az mutch uze tew hiz fellow critters az a wether cock wud be amung a parcil ov barnyard pulletts. Injuns haint got enny disciplin, and, konsequentla, the more injuns a man had tew run a kotton faktory with, the wus he wud be oph. Turning a grinstone iz fust rate disiplin. If a man ov ornary mind haint got disiplin, he bekums a lofer the fust good chanse he gits. Thare haz bin, perhaps, a fu individoals born into the world that did'nt want mutch disiplin—Homer, and Virgil, and Shakesper, and sich like, if tha had bin sot to turning a grinstone it mite hav spilt them—tha waz like Eagles, made tu fli without enny praktis. Disiplin iz evrathing. The thurer bred Hoss wants the smoothe bit ov disiplin—the mule wants the sled-stake disiplin.

Part Seckunt.—Majer Spenser had leaf ov abscense from his regiment, and was glad enuff, i tell yu, tew swap the pesky air ov the suthern konfederasy for the brittle breth ov Nu England. He spent his time a climeing the mountains ov his natiff land, and looking way down into the hollers; he worryed the trouts as tha swum up and down hill in the brooks, and he gethered penroyal for his good old Ma tu hang up in the wood hous chamber, tew make arb tea ov next winter. Majer Spenser had a brother who was a minister ov the gospil, and the Majer boarded with him. One Sunda nite the minister and the Majer sot kommuning together. The moon cum up out ov the East, as big as an old fashund kart wheel (one ov the ox kind ov kart wheels, i mean,) the stars stuk clean out ov the ski, and the air was filled with the musick ov the cows a chawing their cuds in the distance. All natur la undisturbed. "Brother," ced Parson, a braking the paws, "how did yu like divine sarvice to-day?" "Very well, sir, very well, sir," ced the Majer, "if that dam deakin ov yurs hadn't refused to pra when yu asked him. Disiplin, sir, disiplin iz evry thing."

LXV.

CORRESPONDENTS.

Olivia—I never have visited the Mormons, but my friend Artemus Ward has, and he tells me they are a healthy people, and fond ov femail society. He says they hav more religion, akordin to their populashun, than tha kno what to dew with. They marry young and often. The produkshun ov the country iz Mormons. They beleaf in a hereafter, but it iz genrally a hereafter of wimmin. They are fond ov amusements, sich az pitching cents and sliding down hill.

Scipio—If I had the dyspepsy I would buy me a hard trotting hoss (off from the kanawl,) and ride him bare back 40 miles a day for a spase ov time. If that didn't seem tew influense me, I would soke in cold water for 12 months. If that didn't seem tew influense me, I would issue proposals tew the lowest bidder to be fed for one year on bran bred and slippery elm tea. If that didn't seem tew influense me, I would sell my house and lot, and invest the proceeds in pattent medisin, and take the whole lot in rotashun. If that didn't seem tew influense me, I would cum tew the konklusion that I had the water brash, or some other thing, I didn't care which, and take a job ov thrashing out wet rye for evry tenth bushel, and git—well.

Clarence—We never undertake tew return rejekted manuskrip. The fact iz, we don't read more than half we reject. It iz a way we hav got.

Matty—It iz very natral that you should ask me in what manner you should reseave the proposal from your lover. It iz sumthing ov a trick tew dew it nice. You don't ought tew jump into the collar suddin, nor fly back suddin, like a bocky hoss, but yu ought tew take it kind, looking down hill, with an expreshun, about half tickled and half scart. After the pop iz over, if your luvver wants tew kiss you, I dont think I would say yes or no, but let the thing kind ov take its own course. There iz one thing I hav alwus stuck tew, and that iz, give me long courtships and engagements.

Stujent—We never furnish ortograffs in less quantity than bi the package. It iz a bizness that grate men hav got into, but it dont strik us az being profitable nor amuzing. We furnished a near and very dear friend our ortograff a few years ago, for 90 days, and it got into the hands ov one of the banks, and it kost us $275 tew get it back. We went out of the bizzness then, and have not hankered for it sinse.

LXVI.

JOSH BILLINGS AT SARATOGA SPRINGS.

It will probely fill you with an arnest solisitude for mi fate, az it dus me with emoshuns of stupenjus grander, tu find miself at this grate modern Siloam, this august whirlpool ov wine, wimmin and hosses; this fairy sceen ov poetry, dreams, and natural fisick. Upon mi arival, i took immegiate rooms at the tavern called the "Union now and forever," and commensed at onst tu kreate a sensashun—"Dignatum hok hanimum disisimo." This centiment is from the Chocktaw ov Raphael, and is one ov mi faverite quotashuns.

The town is about haf full ov folks, menny of them hav been highly renowned. I kould name them personaly by name, but this wud look like affekshun in me, az tha hav alreddy sent in their kard, and begged the privilege ov kalling on me, at mi moste soonest spare time. It will be impossible for me, my amiable friends, tu give yu ennything like a well digested orashun, ov the eckstatick wonders that hover around me, among which i am permitted tu menshun the pensiv modesta ov the unmarried; the gushing rapture ov the married; the shadowy tenderness ov the widders, and the universal fisick that fills up the pauzes. Theze are subjecks which hav bin writ onto so much that all the good things haz bin said.

It iz a source ov grate pride tu see so menny here from youre citty, and what fills me with gratitude tu an overruling Providence, iz the fac that their festiv naturs develop into such lovelyness here; thare iz dekon L——, and Elder P——, for instanze, with whom i take a drink evry time tha ask me. I think now that i shall remain here for sevral years. I am allmost sorry i didn't bring mi jewelry trunk with me; i'll bet i could hav sold a thousand Dollars worth a da, ov brest pins. It iz a fust rate place here tu buy hosses cheap. i waz offered 2 carriage hosses for onla 25 hundred dollars; i shud hav tuk them, but i couldn't hire enny boddy tu take them hum for me. There iz a grate menny here who talk with a forrin tung. I am trieing it. My wife laffs at me, and kalls me "her dark komplekted one!"—Tha hav got here alreddy tu or three billyard tabils in suckcessful operrashun, and i am told that, if pease iz declared, nex season tha intend tu start a 10-pin allee.

Congriss Spring is lokated here; it tasts verry much like sumthing or ruther, i kant tell which, and iz now generally admitted tu be kartharticus. I am partiklar impressed with the moral centiment that pervades things here. I am told a man wanted tu hire a room tu gamble in with dominoze, but the authoritize immejiately burnt him in effigee. Dimonds are trumps here, and menny good hands are held. Thare is no end tu the number ov selebrated belles here. Thare is one that cums out about 3 o'clock every day, that takes them all down. I allude now in a kind ov burleskish wa tu the dinner-bell. But, after all, Solomon gits mi time when he bust out in this fashun, "All is vanitee and vexashun of spirits." Good for Solomon! Mi christain friends, good-bi.

Josh Billings.

LXVII.

NOT ENNY SHANGHI FOR ME.

The shanghi ruseter is a gentile, and speaks in a forrin tung. He is bilt on piles like a Sandy Hill crane. If he had bin bilt with 4 legs, he wud resembel the peruvian lama. He is not a game animil, but quite often cums off sekund best in a ruff and tumble fite; like the injuns, tha kant stand sivilization, and are fast disappearing. Tha roost on the ground, similar tew the mud turkle. Tha oftin go to sleep standing, and sum times pitch over, and when tha dew, tha enter the ground like a pickaxe. Thare food consis ov korn in the ear. Tha crow like a jackass, troubled with the bronskeesucks. Tha will eat as mutch tu onst as a district skule master, and ginerally sit down rite oph tew keep from tipping over. Tha are dredful unhandy tew cook, yu hav tu bile one eend ov them tu a time, yu kant git them awl into a potash kittle tu onst. The femail ruster lays an eg as big as a kokernut, and is sick for a week afterwards, and when she hatches out a litter of yung shanghis she has tew brood them standing and then kant kiver but 3 ov them—the rest stand around on the outside, like boys around a cirkus tent, gitting a peep under the kanvas when ever tha kan. The man who fust brought the breed into this kuntry ought tew own them all and be obliged tew feed them on grasshoppers, caught bi hand. I never owned but one and he got choked tu deth bi a kink in a clothes line, but not until he had swallered 18 feet ov it. Not enny shanghi for me, if yu pleze; i wuld rather board a travelling kolporter, and as for eating one, giv me a biled owl rare dun, or a turkee buzzard, roasted hole, and stuffed with a pair ov injun rubber boots, but not enny shanghi for me, not a shanghi!

LXVIII.

IS DISPOSING OV THINGS FOR CHARITABEL PURPOSES BI "LOT" A SIN?

EXAMINED BY JOSH BILLINGS.

Fustly—I think it is a sin. So it is a sin tew dew a sin, that good may cum out ov it, but the good that comes out ov it aint a sin, is it? Ha!

Sekundly—I think it is a sin onse more. So i think the manefakter ov sider brandee is a sin, but the use ov it tew kure the rhumatiz aint a sin mutch.

Thirdly—I think it is a sin onse morely. So is this war a sin, but we awl of us are in hopes that its fruits will be righteousness, and righteousness aint no sin.

Fourthly—I keep thinking that it is a sin. So is cutting oph a dog's tale tew keep it from gitting stepped on, a sin, but it dont hurt the dog for ketching rats, duz it?

Fifthly and lastly, i kno it is a sin. Bekase awl those who make the most fuss about it, are the verry ones, who if tha shud be misled into buying a tiket for one dollar and didn't draw a mowing masheen, wud feal rite off as tho the Lord warnt on their side.

Moral.—Dont engage in a "Lot," unless yu are parfekly willing the Lord shud have the tiket and the mowing masheen too.

"Not enny Shanghi for me, not enny."—See page 189.

LXIX.

ADVERTIZEMENT.

I kan sell for eighteen hundred and thirty-nine dollars, a pallas, a sweet and pensive retirement, lokated on the virgin banks ov the Hudson, kontaining 85 acres. The land is luxuriously divided by the hand of natur and art, into pastor and tillage, into plain and deklivity, into stern abruptness, and the dallianse ov moss-tufted medder; streams ov sparkling gladness, (thick with trout,) danse through this wilderness ov buty, tew the low musik ov the kricket and grasshopper. The evergreen sighs az the evening zephir flits through its shadowy buzzum, and the aspen trembles like the luv-smitten harte ov a damsell. Fruits ov the tropicks, in golden buty, melt on the bows, and the bees go heavy and sweet from the fields to their garnering hives. The manshun iz ov Parian marble, the porch iz a single diamond, set with rubiz and the mother ov pearl; the floors are ov rosewood, and the ceilings are more butiful than the starry vault of heavin. Hot and cold water bubbles and squirts in evry apartment, and nothing is wanting that a poet could pra for, or art could portray. The stables are worthy of the steeds ov Nimrod or the studs ov Akilles, and its henery waz bilt expressly for the birds of paradice; while somber in the distance, like the cave ov a hermit, glimpses are caught ov the dorg-house. Here poets hav cum and warbled their laze—here skulptors hav cut, here painters hav robbed the scene ov dreamy landskapes, and here the philosopher diskovered the stun, which made him the alkimist ov natur. Nex northward ov this thing ov buty, sleeps the residense and domain ov the Duke John Smith; while southward, and nearer the spice-breathing tropicks, may be seen the barronial villy ov Earl Brown, and the Duchess, Widder Betsy Stevens. Walls ov primitiff rock, laid in Roman cement, bound the estate, while upward and downward, the eye catches far away, the magesta and slow grander ov the Hudson. As the young morn hangs like a cutting ov silver from the blu brest ov the ski, an angel may be seen each night dansing with golden tiptoes on the green. (N. B. This angel goes with the place.)

Biagrams kan be seen at the offiss ov the broker. Terms flattering. None but principals delt with. Title as pure as the breth ov a white male infant, and possession given with the lark. For more full deskripshun, read Ovid's Art ov Luv, or kall (in yure carriage) on Josh Billings, Real Estate Agent.

LXX.

OUT WEST!

Tha sa the praree chickens are so thik, out West, tha hav tew put up poles awl over the kuntry for them tew roost on.

When tha bust up, out there, tha pay their debts, by jineing the church.

It being agin the law tew carry consealed weepons, evry man carrys one in his hand.

A man who don't kno how tew pla uker, would not be believed under oath.

It iz 5 dollars fine, in Cinsinnatti, tew strike a hog, in anger.

Tha don't bore for ile, out thare, tha bore for whiskee, and hav the best luk in the visinity ov the graveyards.

In sum parts, out West, it iz almoste unpossibel tew git water; one man in Pike County dug a well 90 feet deep, and then struk a bed ov sawdust; he put in an injine, and iz pumping out a 1000 bushel a da, which he sells tew the Government, for hoss feed.

The prinsipal produkshuns or the kuntry are, whiskee in the ear, and rale rode stok in the bundle.

LXXI.

SAYINS.

About the only difference between the poor and the ritch, is this, the poor suffer mizery, while the ritch hav tu enjoy it.

"Bee yee as wize as a sarpint, and as harmlis as a duve," and then if a feller cums a fooling around yure duve, yu kan set yure sarpint at him.

Rize arly, work hard, and late, live on what yu kant sell, giv nothing awa, and if yu dont die ritch, and go tu the devil, yu ma sue me for damages.

Marrin for love ma be a little risky, but it is so honest, that God kant help but smile on it.

There is one thing I kant never forgit nor I hain tried to, and that is, the fust time I kissed a gal.

If I was asked, "what is the chief end of man now a daze," I should immegiatly repli, "10 per cent."

Yu may argy a bull Tarrier out ov a bone, but yu kant argy a woman out ov her will.

Mi advise tu them who are about tu begin, in arnest, the jurney ov life, is tu take their harte in one hand and a club in the other.

The biggest glutton I ever herd tell ov, was the feller out in Indianny, who eat a pair ov twin lams for brekfast, and then chased the ole yew three miles and a haf.

The peacock has one ov the most butifullest tails in the world, but i tak notis he dont drag it on the ground when he walks out.

LXXII.

A WIMMIN'S LEAGUE MEETIN.

I don't kno when i hav bin filled so near up tew the brim with a fond feelink for the fair sek az i was last nite at mi natiff plase, the good old borough ov Billingsville, whither i had gone on a visit tew git mi boots tapped. The wimmin had called a meetin' ov the fair sekts tew take into konsiderashun the propriety ov not wareing enny more clothes, that is, forrin bilt clothes. The meetin waz got into shape bi kalling Mrs. Peleg Pewter tew the chair. The fust thing she did waz tew create a silence, which she did after about 30 minnits, awl excep a fu whispering, which she could not dry up.

The style ov the meetin' having bin sot up in big type bi the Mrs. Peleg Pewter, she ced thare waz an opening, and no less than 4 wimmin started for the opening at onst; but the president decided that Mrs. Cynthee Coon waz about one neck ahed, and tharefore, waz entitled tew the fust heat. She waz a woman about 14 hands hi, and wore wollen stockings. She ced she waz for home manafakter and waz agin awl luxury excep a nu shawl, and that she must hav. She ced she waz willing tew giv up silk, but she must hav 1 more nu shawl if it bust her.

She ced she thought thare ought tew be sum diskriminashun between what folks didn't want and what tha did, and for her part she was reddy tew go her length or ennyboddy else's length agin the noshun that poor people had ov hankering after imported goods.

Her speech lasted for about 2 hours, and was listened to with breathless expense. When she sot down the wimmin gathered around her; sum ov them held camphor tew her noze, sum ov them unhooked her dress, and one ov them, more thoughtful than the rest, mixed up a gin sling, which she struggled with for a minnit, and then ced it did her soul good. A committee ov 3 ov the heavyest wimmin was appointed bi the chair with power tew draw up a sett ov resolushuns which was reported as follows:

Whereas, resolved, that silks, and shawls, and so forth, are a luxury from imported kuntrys, and we are down on them.

Resolved, that we are down on silks and shawls.

Resolved, that we wont uze silks and shawls onla in case ov sickness.

Resolved, that the foregoing resolushuns be published 3 times a week in the Billingsville Weekly, and that our husbands foot the bills or we foot them—the bills.

Resolved, that we pledg ourselfs, our fortins, and our natiff land, tew sustane the above sett ov resolushuns.

After taking a pinch ov snuff, and kissing awl around, the meeting broke up tew meet "sine die" on the next Teusday.... Ov course no male man was allowed at the meetin', but i receaved a koppa ov the resolushuns the nex morning, accompanyed with mi respeks.

LXXIII.

A TRUE FISH STORY FOUNDED ON FAK.

In a little town awa out wes whar i used tew liv, thare wast two elders resided. One ov them wast a Babtiss, Gaffit bi name, and the other wast a Methodis, Sturgiss bi name, and both ov them wast as good fellers as ever sarved the Lord. As good luk wud hav it tha both had a revival ov religion in their floks at the same time. Gaffit was a cunning critter, besides being as harmless as the duv. Thare was but one pond in the town, and that was used for babtizing by agreement, on wensday ov each week, bi Gaffit, and on saturday bi Sturgiss. One wensday, as Gaffit was engaged in marking his sheep, or in uther wurds, was bi the side ov the little pond ov water adminstering the rite ov babtism tew a goodla number, whom he had coaxed awa from the wiles ov the devil, Sturgiss looked in upon the happy scene, with eys brimful ov luv. Amung the menny who ware waiting tew be babtized, Sturgiss diskovered sevral whom he had convikted, and whom he expekted tew add tew his flok on the cumming saturda. The nex da the two elders met, Sturgiss charged Gaffit with the pious fraud he had detekted bi the side ov the little pond. Gaffit's eyes puckered with delite, as he listened tew the charge, then seezin the methodis elder bi the hand with an extra pucker in his eye, whispered: "Brother Sturgiss, mi father larnt me when i was but a little fisher-boy, tew string mi fish as fast as i ketched 'em."

LXXIV.

AT SARATOGA SPRINGS.

I arrived here nite before last at arly kandle lite. Mi wife and 2 children ackompanyed me. The fust thing that i did was tu call for a tavern; i got one immegiately, and took a room, from choice, in the Seventh story, all the rooms above wer took. The tavern whare i stop, is called the Union, one, and inseprable. The bar is stocked with the choicest lickers. Thare must be 3 or 4 hundred black serviants here, tha all wear white aporns, and hav their hair curled clos. The tavern keeper rings a gong with a klub when the vittles is reddy, and then the boarders march in; 'tis a moste effecting site! I havent et ennything yet but briled chickens. I gess evry body here knows me, tha look at me so. I kreated a sensashun yesterday after dinner, on the front stupe ov the tavern, by calling a cullard servant tu pick mi teeth. I herd one ov the ladys sa, "i was an English Lord, she had saw me at Nuport laste seson." I shall sta here as long as i can injuce mi females tu remain. This is the place where the congriss water cums from; tha dip it up out ov a hole in the ground, with a roof over it, you can drink 4 or 5 tumblers ov it tu onst, without swallering; it tastes a good deal like sumthing i never tasted before, and it operates on the inwards for all the world, just like pills. It dus look so funny tu see 8 or 9 hundred mails, and femails, all taking fisick tu once; 'tis a pensiv sight! The town kontains about 6 thousand folks, and about as menny more individuals; the individuals spend their time going up and down the back stairs and taking fisick. The natur ov the sile around here is sandy, and pine trees, about half and half. Thare is a rase course here, built in a sircile, whare tha make hosses go round and round; tis delitesum tu behold! Three miles out east of the village tha hav built a fashionable pond; evrybody goes thare tu spend their munny; tha ask 8 cents a glass for their whiska! The sosietah here is permiskus, blaklegs and deakons, divines and pugerlistics, judges and jockeys, congressmen and harlots, devils and Quakers, so judciously mixed up, 'tis food for the filosopick mind. A grate menny young wimmin are brought here annually tu git married; the kourting is all did by the mothers, in fac the wimmin du it all here excep pay the bills. A man at Saratoger don't hav enny more tu sa, or du, than an old gander dus when a goose is setting. The citizens ov this place hav onla one kind ov religion or pollyticks, and that is congriss water. I kant rite enny more just now, i hav got tu go down stairs.

Aju, Josh Billings.

LXXV.

SPIRITUAL BELIEF OV THE BILLINGSES.

We beleaf in ardent spirits—sich az charitee, parsaveranse, and patrotism. We beleaf in animil spirits—sich az fast hosses, vigerous cats, and ambishus rat terriers. We beleaf in the spirits ov 76—sich az ole Jamaka, and Santa Cruize, jist a little for the rumatiz. We beleaf in the evidence ov departed spirits, a good deal—sich az temprance houses, lemonade picknix, and water kure establishments. We beleaf in the spirits of just men—but beleaf they ar skase. We beleaf in the spirit ov revenge—if a muskeeter bites you without provocation, kill awl the muskeeters, nex ov kin, in the naberhood. We beleaf in the spirit ov forgiveness—if we owe a man, and we won't pay him, let him forgiv the det.

LXXVI.

JOSH BILLINGS CORRESPONDS WITH A "HAIR OIL AND VEGETABLE BITTERS MAN".

Dear Doktor Hirsute:—I reseaved a tin cup ov yure "Hair purswader," also a bottle ov yure "Salvashum Bitters", bi express, for which, I express my thanks. The greenbak, which yu enklozed waz the kind ov purswader that we ov the press fully understand. Yur hair greese, shall hav a reglar gimnastik puff, jist az soon az i kan find a spare time. I tried a little ov it on an old counter brush in my offiss, this morning, and in 15 minnitts, the brussells grew az long az a hosses tale, and i notis this afternoon, the hair begins tew cum up thru, on bak ov the brush, 'tis really wonderful! 'tis almoste Eureka! I rubbed a drop or two on the head ov mi cane, which haz bin bald for more than 5 years, and beggar me! if I don't hav to shave the cane handle, evry day, before I can walk out with it. I hav a verry favrite cat, she iz one ov the Hambletonian breed ov cats, and altho she iz young, and haint bin trained yet, she shows grate signs ov speed. I thought I would just rob the corck ov the bottle on the floor, in the corner ov the room whare the cat generally repozes. The consequents waz, sum ov the "purswader" got onto the hair ov the cat's tale. When the cat aroze from her slumbers she caught sight ov her tale, which had growed tew an exalted size; taking one more look at the tale, she started, and bi the good olde Mozes! sich running; across the yard! over the fence! up wun side ov an apple tree! and down the other! out into the fields, away! away! The laste i saw ov the cat, she waz pretty mutch awl tale. I wouldn't hav took 10 dollars for the cat, with her old tale on her. In a fu daze, i shall find a spare time, and then i shall write up, for our paper sumthing pyroteknik, which will make the hair grow on the head ov a number 2 mackrel, to read it.

Dear Doktor, the fact iz, "sum men are born grate, sum men git grate after they are born, and sum men hav grateness hove upon them." Doctor, you are awl 3 ov these men, in one. You are a kind ov vegatable trinity, sassyfrass, pokeroot, and elderberry. It waz a happee thought in you, tew call your "Salvashun Bitters" a "vegatabel tonicks," although, old rye aint one ov the vegatabels, whiskee iz one ov the tonicks. The peopel must hev tonicks, and the more vegatabels you kan git into the gratest amount ov whiskee, the more the peopel will luv you. Thare is nothing the christian world long for so mutch, just now, as a vegatabel bitter. Sassyfrass is good for a lonesum stummuk, pokeroot is an alteratiff, and Elderberry was known to the anshients, but what! oh tell me what! yee whispring winds, what! are awl these without whiskee. Thank the Lord, that at laste, we hav got a bitter, that will tonick a man up. Nothing, sinze the good old daze ov Jamaka Rum, and sider Brandee, haz sent sich a thrill ov joy thru the wurld, az "Hirsute's Salvashun Bitters," sold respektably bi awl druggists, far and near.

Go on Doktur, manafaktring, and selling, let the cod liver, and pattent truss men, howl out in envy, let pills rant, and plasters rave, you hav got what the wurld wants, and will have, and that iz, an erb bitter, with a broad whiskee basis.

N. B.—Bizziness, Doctor, iz bizziness. The hi prise ov material, and laber, haz put up puffs with us, but upon the reseipt ov 50 Dollars more, yu kan rely upon sumthing, in our weekly, that will send "Salvashun, and Purswashun" whirling thru the land.

P. S.—Let me advize yu az a friend; if it iz indispensible necessary tew cheat a little, in the manufakter ov the "Salvashun Bitters," let it by awl means be in the rutes, dont lower the basis.

Yures quietly, Josh Billings.

LXXVII.

PROVERBS.

He who buys begrudgingly, pays the higest prise and gits nothing that sutes him.

It iz jist about az mutch mizery tew want a dimond ring, as tew want a shirt.

The author who rites for bred, wil giv hiz reeders a taste ov emptins.

I never knu a fool who hadn't a good voice.

Thieves hunt in couples, but a liar has no accomplice.

Az men gro older, their opinyuns, like their disseazes, grow kronick.

Wimmin luv their hustbands, but tha worship their bonnets.

The man who kant liv a week on hope, and then maik a harty meal on the result is no philozopher.

I often cum akross inidividoals, quite oftenly, who think tha hav never committed enny sins or indiscreshuns in this life, such people i pitty, for they wont kno when they git to heaven.

Az a gineral thing, if yu want tew git at the truth ov a perlitikal argyment, hear both sides and beleave neither.

Thare iz a multitude of folks who mean well enuff but how like the devel tha act.

Opportunitays, like eggs don't kum but one at a time.

I luv to gaze upon a hily eddikated and intilektooal woman, but I kant sa that I want tew belong tew one ov this klass.

True honour iz a keen perception ov what iz rite, falze honour iz a keen affectashun ov what iz rong.

"Giv the devil hiz due," reads wel enuff in a proverb, but mi friend what will bekum ov you and me if this arrangement iz carried out?

If yu are happy, dont proklaim it tew the world, the world dont luv tew hear about sich things.

A jest iz sumthing that a fule admires, and a wize man laffs at.

Vartue that haint bin tempted, and wine that haint bin tasted, iz verry good vartue, and verry good wine, in bottles.

Thare iz jist this difference between a fule and a hen, the fule cackels before, and the hen not till after the egg iz lade.

LXXVIII.

DOMESTIK RECEIPTS IN FULL.

Tew sarve up cowcumbers—pick them when the dew is on them, pare them neatly, slice them thin, add salt and let them stand for 60 minnitts, pepper them freely, add good sharpe vinegar, and then—raze up the window carefully, and throw them out.

Tew make watermelons the old fashioned wa—steal them bi moonlite, and eat them in the next lot.

Lobsters want tew be boiled whole till they are ded, pour ice cream over them, send for the docktor, eat them before going tu bed, and tell yure friends the next da, that yu hav bin threatened with an attak ov the—rebbels.

Tew remove goose pimples—skin the goose.

Tew kure hams—bathe them in Hostetter's Bitters.

Tew bring up a child in the wa he should go—travel that wa yourself.

Women's Rights Convention—Mrs. Peleg Pewter takes the chair.—See page 200.

LXXIX.

FAKS.

Josh Billings, begs leaf tu state:

That onions are good for a bad breth.

That Rockawa clams are a good opening for enny yung man.

That ships are kalled she bekauze tha alwus keep a man on the lookout.

That "turning water into wine" is a mirakle in theze days worth, at least, 300 per cent.

That boys aint ap to turn out well who dont git up till 10 o'clock in the morning.

That, if a man is agoing tu make a bizness ov sarving the Lord, he likes tu see him du it when he measures up onions as well as when he hollers glory halleluyer!

That wisdum aint nothing more than edikated cunning.

LXXX.

ON LECTURES.

Dec. 9, 1864

I take my pen in hand, to inform you, that i am in the Lekturing bizzness. I have jined the army ov martyrs, and am having a healthy time. I lektured laste nite, tew a flooded house. Had a revival, evry fu minnits, it would hav did yu good, tew hear the people holler. The way things look now, i think i shall be able tew retire from private life, in a fu months, and keep 3 or 4 dogs, and a fish pond. Yesterday, i reseaved a dunnin letter, from mi fashionable tailor, for a coat, that has bin wore out, more than 2 years. I replied tew the limited cuss, briefly, as follers: "Dear sur—Enklozed, pleze find 20 dollars—if yu can. Yures, sum, Josh Billings."

I thought i would try a tragik lektur at fust, but tragediz are gitting so common, now a daze, that yu kan git them done, and warrented, for 25 dollars. Mi Lektur is the normal comick, with an okasional effort tew be witty.

I hope you are well, and hav a good appetight. Remember me kindly tew Reub Fenton, when yu see him.—I also reseaved 2 letters bi to daez male, which i will let yu answer for me; thru yure valuable collums.—One ov them is from an individoal, who sines his name "Hennery," and tuther is from a person bi the name ov "Mirakle."

Hennery:—The best time tew sett a hen, is when the hen is reddy. I kant tell you what the best breed is, but the shanghigh is the meanest. It kosts as mutch tew board one, as it duz a stage hoss, and yu mite as well undertake tew fat a fanning-mill, by running oats thru it. Thare aint no proffitt in keeping a hen for his eggs, if he laze less than one a day. Hens are very long lived, if they dont contrakt the thrut disseaze,—thare is a grate menny goes tew pot, evry year, bi this melankolly disseaze. I kant tell exactly how tew pick out a good hen, but as a genral thing, the long-eared ones, are kounted the best. The one-legged ones, i kno, are the lest ap tew skratch up the garden. Eggs packed in equal parts ov salt, and lime water, with the other end down, will keep from 30, or 40, years, if they are not disturbed. Fresh beef-stake is good for hens; i serpoze 4 or 5 pounds a day, would be awl a hen would need, at fust along. I shall be happee tew advise with yu, at enny time, on the hen question, and—take it in egg.

Mirakle:—Yu sa "yu kant understand the mirakle ov the whale, that swallered Joner". I dont serpoze that Joner, nor the whale, ever fully understood it themselfs. I hav thought that it was eazyer for the whale tew swaller Joner, than it was for the outsiders, tew swaller the mirakel. I kant tell yu what Joner did while in the whale's sosiety; but i kno what a yankee would hav did, he would hav rigged a rudder on the animal, and run him into port, and either klaimed the ile for salvage, or sold out his chanse tew a petroleun grease company.

LXXX.

YANKEE NOSHUNS.

The noshun that skule houzens are cheaper than stait prizens.

The noshun that men are a better krop tew raize than enny thing else.

The noshun that the whole wurld is the markit for a man's wits.

The noshun that a people who hav branes enuff kant be governed bi enny body but themselfs.

The noshun that if yu kant make a man think az yu do; try and make him do az yu think.

The noshun that the United States iz liable at any time tew be doubled, but aint liable at enny time tew be divided.

The noshun that Uncle Sam kan thrash hiz own children when tha need it, and kan thrash the hole wurld besides.

The noshun that Yankees are a fourordained rase, and kant be kept from spredding, and striking in, enny more than turpentine kan when it once gits luce.

LXXXII.

ATTENTION! SQUAD!

Men kalkulate with perfek accurasy, the rate ov speed attained bi earthly boddys, and ov moste matter, whether sublunary, or ov a heavenly natur. They tell us how long a ra ov light is on the way from the sun—how fass a comet travels—the best time that lightning can make—when the stars visit, and how long they are about it—the fraktional lapse kontained in the hop ov a flea—the flite ov a swallow—the velosity ov sound, and the smartness ov a hurrycane. They kan tell us how long it takes old Borus, after he leaves his cave, to reach this earth, and button up the coats ov shivring mortals. But i hav sarched their theorys and ransacked their mathematicks in vain, tew diskover the haste ov a Slander. But we kno ov nothing, on the earth, or above it, that equals it in quickness. It travels as well in the dark, as in the light—knows no law ov gravitashun, nor ov heat, or cold—is not traceable, or definable—has no parentage, and frequently no objek—is not matter, nor an essence—may fly in the glance ov an eye, or be felt in the point ov a finger—is the pet ov almost evry one—can hav the ear when charity, love, and the delikate pashuns, plead in vain—is everywhare in an instant—feeds upon nothing but sweet things, has more friends than truth, is a lie, faster than the wings ov the wind, and twin racer to thought—steals into the sakred pulpit—at midnite, robs the chaste maiden ov the ruddy truth in her cheeks—hangs sackcloth upon the manly form ov honesta—cums in a whisper—is misterious as an echo—will betray for a prise—has made kings tremble—has dried up the warm pulse ov hope, and driven modesta shreeking away—is a skorpion, invisible, but full ov madness, and menny stings. Who kan tell its whereabouts? Who can rate its speed? Who kan annylize its meanness? Who has not listened tew its preshious falsehoods? and who will not, with me, pronounse it a renegade, the common enemy ov humanitee? and who that kan shoot flieing, will not help tew bring down the base bird? Attenshun, squad!