SERIOUS SITUATIONS IN BURLEIGH'S ROOM.[1]

SERIOUS SITUATIONS IN BURLEIGH'S ROOM.[1]

Scene:—Room of Hudson, Burleigh, and Co. (Co. being Topsy, the terrier).

Burleigh seated in easy chair, legs stretched towards fire, back to table, dog in lap, reading and smoking long pipe.

Hudson [from his bedroom]. Oh, Ned!

Burleigh. Hullo?

Hud. Aren't you going to the Assembly to-night?

[Enter Hudson from bedroom putting on evening coat.]

Burl. [without looking up]. Did you ever know me to go to more than one Harvard Assembly? Don't ask foolish questions.

Hud. Well, don't you be such a lazy lummox. [Going to looking-glass.] Really, Ned, you ought to go out more among decent people.

Burl. Yes. I have such a good time when I do. At the last and only party in Boston to which I ever went, I knew just one girl, and spilled ice-cream on her dress. After holding up the wall for an hour and a half, and finding it impossible to get you or any one else to come back to Cambridge with me, I started home alone in Riley's cab. Mr. Riley felt in a sporting mood as usual, and insisted on racing an electric car. We broke down at Central Square. It was snowing hard and the walk home in patent leathers was lovely. When I got home, of course, I found that my keys were chained to my other trousers, and I busted the bags I had on in climbing through the ventilator over the door. I dropped on the rocking-chair and the pup both at once, and then found there was nothing to drink in the book-case. Oh, I enjoyed the last Assembly thoroughly. I think it would be fun to go again. Ugh!

Hud. Very few ever go to a party for pleasure, my dear boy. It is a duty that you owe to yourself. If you never go to balls, you will never know how to behave in a ballroom. When you have learned to do that, why then you needn't go to balls.

Burl. That is logical.

Hud. It is also a duty that you owe society.

Burl. Society can have my share of the supper, and call it square.

Hud. Well, now look here, Ned, I want you to go in to the Assembly to-night for a particular reason, besides your own civilization.

Burl. I won't go. What is your reason?

Hud. My mother and sister have come on to Boston and are going to be at the ball to-night, and I want you to meet them.

Burl. Why didn't you say that in the first place? But, Steve, aren't you going to have them out here pretty soon? I can meet them then.

Hud. [emphatically]. No, sir. Not if I know it, until I can be sure of keeping out all the duns and sporting gentry who are apt to call unexpectedly. Numerous acquaintances, whom I do not care to have my good mother meet, might drop in to a little five o'clock tea. I shall probably get my quarter's allowance before long, and then I can chain up the Furies for a while, and have my family out here with an easy mind. That bull mick Shreedy is gunning for me just at present, and if my mother knew I owed money to a prize-fighter she would never get over it.

Burl. Well, won't it do if I go in to-morrow and call?

Hud. No, I promised them that you would be there to-night, and they will be awfully disappointed if you're not. They are naturally anxious to know my chum as soon as possible.

Burl. Then they will be awfully disappointed if I am there. You know perfectly well, when I talk to a girl at a party, what a painful ordeal it is for both of us. You ought not to spring me on your sister under such conditions. It's unfair to me and a poor joke on her.

Hud. Oh, don't be such a bashful ass. You can do well enough if you try. My sister knows that you hate parties, and will appreciate your coming. Now, do promise me, there is a good fellow.

Burl. Well, I suppose I shall have to. But, Steve, I haven't time to dress for this thing to-night.

Hud. Nonsense. You have plenty of time to dress. How long does that operation generally take you?

Burl. Three quarters of an hour to dress, and an hour and three quarters to tie my cravat. I think I shall have to get one of those nice store cravats that come all tied, and strap on with a buckle.

Hud. Yes, get a pretty satin one with pink rose-buds on it. Oh, I shouldn't be surprised to see you turn up in anything. [Putting on hat and overcoat.] I tell you what it is, Ned, if you continue to shun all feminine society you will soon become an unmitigated boor.

Burl. I am at college, thanks, and prefer it. I shall have plenty of time to take up feminine society, as you call it, after I graduate.

Hud. You will be a cub, and society won't take you up. Now, old man, it is awfully good of you to come in on my account to-night, so don't back out,—and make yourself look as much like a gentleman as you can. Come in as early as possible. [Exit Hudson.]

Burl. [sol.]. Why the deuce does a fellow want to go chasing into Boston, when he has only four years of this sort of thing. Steve does not half appreciate college. However, I suppose if his family [Taking photograph from table] is going to be there, I ought to go in. It is only decent. [To photograph.] So, Miss Hudson, you and I are going to meet, eh? Oh, what a fool you will think me! Now, if I could only look at you without trying to talk. Steve is right, though; I ought to cure myself of this fool shyness and awkwardness before the other sex, or I deserve to be called an ill-bred cub.

[Knock at hall door.]

Come in! [Puts down photograph hastily.]

[Enter Jack Randolph in long coat and rubber boots.]

Randolph. Hullo, Ned! Did I leave my umbrella in here the other day?

Burl. It is a pretty good one, isn't it? No, I guess I haven't seen it.

Rand. [Taking a cross-handled umbrella from beside fireplace.] Lucky you haven't.

Burl. Oh, while I think of it, here is that X I owe you [pulling bill out of pocket].

Rand. Good man! Marvellous memory! Remembered the wrong end of a debt. I am glad you did, for I am devilish hard up just at present. [Taking cigar from mantel-piece.]

Burl. So is everybody at this time of year. This is a great sacrifice on my part.

Rand. Don't give it to me now. Keep it until to-morrow, won't you? [Lights cigar.]

Burl. Better take it while you can get it. I shall have spent it next time we meet. Why don't you want it now?

Rand. Well, I will take it, just to relieve you. I haven't anything on but this ulster, which is not a good thing to put money in. You see, I am going round to a dress rehearsal at the Pudding.

Burl. Oh, that is why you are all bundled up on this clear night. Let us see your dress.

Rand. No, you will see it soon enough at the show to-morrow night. Where is Steve?

Burl. Gone in town to trip in the mazy.

Rand. The habitual dude! Oh, of course, the first Harvard Assembly comes off to-night. If it was not for this rehearsal I would go in and do the butterfly myself. What would hire you to go there, Charlie?

Burl. Give me back that ten dollars and I will go.

Rand. I don't believe you would; but I'd give you the ten dollars if I could be there to see you.

Burl. Well, if it will please you to know it, I am going in.

Rand. What! You going to a party! What has happened?

Burl. [with dignity]. Nothing. It is a duty that I owe to myself and society. If a man never goes to balls he will never know how to behave in a ballroom.

Rand. [with derisive laughter]. That is pretty good from you. Steve has evidently been giving you a lecture. Come now, Ned, choke that off and tell me honestly what is up.

Burl. Nothing, I tell you. If a man shuns all polite society, he will become an unmitigated boor.

Rand. If you don't drop that second-hand stuff of Hudson's, and tell me who the girl is, by Jove, I'll tell every man in college about it, and it shall be a very amusing story before I get through with it, I promise you.

Burl. Well, you see—er—Steve's mother is going to be there and he wants me to meet her.

Rand. Oho! That is it, is it? Steve's mother is going to be there. Ha-ha-ha, that is pretty weak, old fox. I suppose, of course, there is no chance of Miss Hudson being there too. Well, if she is half as pretty as her photograph, I don't blame you for going in. Egad, though, Ned, I would like to see you talking to her.

Burl. I have no doubt you would, sweet me child, but you won't. That is just where the best point of this funny joke comes in. While I am talking to Miss Hudson, you will be out here, at the rehearsal, getting sworn at. "Go over that chorus again." "Randolph, you're out of step."

Rand. Damn the rehearsal. Never mind, Miss Hudson will probably be on here for some time, and I shall get another chance of meeting her. When I do, I will make a particular point of cutting you out. You won't be in it, even if you are her brother's chum.

Burl. [getting up]. You are talking too much. Come now, run along. I have got to dress.

Rand. I wish I had time to watch you do it. I don't believe you have put on a claw-hammer coat since you've been up here, except for club dinners.

Burl. Oh, go round to your rehearsal. You will be late.

Rand. [going to hall door]. If it doesn't begin on time, I'll come back here and help you untangle your neck-tie. Don't make yourself too pretty. Leave me some chance with Miss H. [Exit.]

Burl. Jack is too fresh to-night. Come, pup. [Picks up Topsy and exits into bedroom.]

[Enter a certain Prof. Shreedy (unattached to the University.) He softly closes door after him, and knocks on inside].

Burl. [from bedroom]. Come in.

Shreedy [aside]. I will. [Calls] Is Mr. Hudson in, I dunno?

Burl. [putting his head out of his bedroom]. Hullo, is that you, Shreedy? No, Mr. Hudson is not in, and he won't take any sparring lesson to-night any way.

Shreedy. Well, I just come to see him about a little matter of business, see? Maybe you might——

Burl. No I mightn't. There is not a dollar in the firm, Shreedy, anywhere. Hudson has gone in town. I can't give you a cent, and if you don't get out of here pretty quickly, I may have to borrow a car fare from you. Call again next week. Good evening, and get out. [Slams door.]

Shr. Ain't he getting pretty flip? The lippy dude! Maybe he thinks he can put me off that way. Hudson gone in town, ah, rats! What an old gag. I'll wait round awhile, 'cause I got to have that money to-night. I'll lay for him in this other room, that's what I'll do, and nab him when he comes in. [Helps himself to two or three cigars and goes into Hudson's bedroom.]

[A soft knock on door, then enter Mrs. and Miss Hudson.]

Mrs. Hudson. Well, this is strange, I should think Steve would have taken more care to meet us here.

Miss Hudson. Perhaps he has just gone out for a minute.

Mrs. H. He ought to have been on the lookout for the carriage, and not compelled us to come up here after waiting twenty minutes at the door.

Miss. H. He may not have received your telegram.

Mrs. H. And has gone in town to meet us there? Good gracious! I hope not. Well, we will wait a little while and see. But it is rather awkward for two ladies to be visiting a college room in the evening in this way, even if I am the mother of the occupant.

Miss H. I think it is lots of fun. What a jolly room he has. I wish I were a boy.

Mrs. H. Under the present circumstances, my dear, I wish so too. He has arranged his room pretty well for a man.

Miss H. Now, let us look at all his things. We will begin with the mantel-piece.

[They both turn toward mantel, backs to room.]

[Enter Burleigh from his bedroom in evening trousers, no coat or waistcoat, and four or five white cravats in his hand. Without seeing the visitors, he crosses the room to the looking-glass, which hangs on the wall opposite the fireplace, where the visitors are standing.]

Burl. [to himself]. Now for the great agony. Oh, life is very short for this sort of thing. If Steve's family could only see me tying my cravat, they would realize what devotion—[Suddenly sees women in the glass and starts.] Good Lord! [Turns head slowly and looks at Mrs. and Miss H. whose backs are still turned.] Oh, what in Heaven's name shall I do? I can't get back to my room. Ha! the screen! [Dives behind a tall screen near the glass.]

Miss H. Look at all these pipes! And what a horrid smell of tobacco!

Mrs. H. I see that Steve's chum, Mr. Burleigh, smokes.

Burl. [aside over screen]. And Jack Randolph just made the horrid smell with one of Steve's weeds.

Miss H. [finding on the mantel-piece a champagne bottle marked "ætat 21"]. Oh, look at this!

Burl. [aside over screen]. Now she has got hold of the memento of Steve's birthday. What next?

Mrs. H. [putting on glasses and taking bottle]. Hm! I suppose that Mr. Burleigh also drinks. I hope my son does all in his power to restrain his comrade.

Miss H. I am so glad we are going to see the great Ned Burleigh at last. Steve says he is so interesting—such a funny old bird.

Burl. [aside]. Damn him!

Mrs. H. I wonder where they are. One of them must be around, for they would not both go away, and leave their light burning. We cannot wait much longer.

[Enter Hudson, hurriedly.]

Hud. Forgot my gloves, of course, and had to come back. Hullo, mother! why, how did you two get here?

Mrs. H. Didn't you get my telegram?

Hud. Telegram? No, I suppose the boy will leave it, on his way to breakfast, in the morning.

Mrs. H. We had to come out to Cambridge to a dinner at Prof. Fullaloves, and thought we would stop on the way back with the carriage, and take you boys into the Assembly. I telegraphed you this afternoon.

Hud. Well, it is lucky I came back. Have you been here long? Have you seen Ned Burleigh?

Miss H. Your chum? No.

Hud. That is good. He must have started in. If you had dropped in on Ned all alone here, he would have had twenty Dutch fits.

Miss H. Now, Steve, before we go, you must show us all your things. [Picking up photographs from mantel-piece] Why, who are these?

Hud. Those, er—oh—ah—those—yes. Those are some of my chum's relations. [Aside] Ned will forgive me for the emergency.

Burl. [aside over screen]. Well, I'll be——

Mrs. H. I thought those were not yours, dear.

Miss H. They are all in costume, aren't they.

Hud. Yes, yes, private theatricals, you know. The Burleighs are all great on private theatricals.

[Enter Prof. Shreedy from Hudson's bedroom.]

Shr. [aside]. Begob, I have him now.

[Aside to Hud.] Mr. Hudson!

Hud. [turning]. What! The devil! Shreedy! What do you want here? [Takes him down to front.]

Shr. A little matter of business. Look here, cully, I want dat ten dollars you owe me for sparrin', dat's what I want. Better let me have it and not make a fuss before de ladies, see?

Burl. [aside, over screen]. Hurray, bind on Steve. Serves him right.

Hud. I haven't ten dollars, Shreedy. I haven't a cent. Now, do clear out, and I'll see you some other time about it.

Shr. Naw, some other time won't do.

Hud. I can't talk to you now before my family. It is bad enough to have them see you round here at all.

Shr. Dat's all right. Tell 'em I'm your chum. Just watch me do the nobby. [Smirks and waves his hat at ladies.]

Hud. [aside]. Oh, this is awful!

Mrs. H. Stephen, who is this person?

Hud. [aside]. There is no other way out of it. I can explain later [aloud.] This, mother, is my dear old chum, Edward Burleigh.

Burl. [aside over screen]. By gad!

Mrs. H. Ah, indeed, I am delighted to meet you, sir. I feel that we are old friends, already, Mr. Burleigh. I have heard so much of you.

Shr. Oh, yes, me and Steve is great chums, ain't we, Steve, old boy? [slaps Hudson on the back.] [To Hud.] Put me on to de young one.

Miss H. [aside to Mrs. H.]. Oh, Mamma, he is awful. How could Steve choose such a man to room with!

Mrs. H. Steve always said he was awkward with ladies, you know. Perhaps he will improve on acquaintance.

Shr. [to Miss H.]. Pleased to meet you, ma'am. How is the state of your health? 'T ain't often we see such a daisy out here, is it Steve? [To Hud.] Oh, I can say perlite things to a lady. You needn't be afraid, I won't disgrace yer!

Hud. [aside]. How long will this last?

Mrs. H. [to Hud.]. Well, my son, I must say, your chum seems hardly the retiring, bashful young man you have always represented him to be.

Hud. Oh, he is, he is. That's—er—that is just what is the matter. His shyness takes this form, you see. He is really awfully embarrassed, and—er—tries to pass it off in this way.

Mrs. H. Curious forms of shyness.

Hud. Yes, very. It will pass off soon, and you will like him better when the ice is broken.

Shr. [to Miss H.]. Ain't that a nobby dress you got on!

Mrs. H. I should think the ice was at least badly cracked already.

Hud. [aside]. I must get them out of here. [Aloud.] Come, do let us start for the Assembly.

Mrs. H. Well, dear, we have an extra seat in the carriage, and if Mr. Burleigh would like to come, we will wait for him to dress. [To Shreedy] Won't you come with us, Mr. Burleigh?

Hud. [breaking in]. No—no—no! Ned never cares——

Shr. Why, sure. I'd be tickled to death. I am wid you easy. Let's go right away.

Miss H. Don't you want to dress?

Shr. What will I dress for? Begob, I can dance just the way I am as well as the next man. Wait till you see me take de flure. Oh, I'm a dandy on me toes [illustrates by a few steps].

Hud. [aside]. Oh, this is too much. I shall have to tell the truth.

[Knock on door.]

There!! Come in!

[Enter Randolph, still in his ulster, with the umbrella and smoking the cigar.]

Rand. Well, Ned, how is——. Oh, I beg pardon! [Starts to back out; Hudson rushes across and seizes him.]

Hud. Randolph! Thank Heaven! Come here. [Takes him aside.] Jack, have you any money with you? As you love me, Jack, let me have it.

Rand. What the deuce is the matter? I have ten dollars in this coat, but I need it.

Hud. Oh, kind Providence has taken care of its own! Let me have it, I tell you. [Randolph gives him the ten-dollar bill. Hudson rushes to Shreedy.]

Rand. Here is a nice position. Is Steve crazy?

Hud. [aside to Shr.]. Here, you damned blackmailer. Here's your money. Now get out, and don't let me see you here again.

Shr. Well, I should have enjoyed the party, but I need the money, so I'll go. [To the others] Ladies, I'm very sorry, but I find I have a sudden engagement, so I can't keep company wid you to de ball to-night. I'm all broke up about it, but I hope I'll see you again. Be good to yourselves. Good-by. Good-by, Hudson, ta-ta.

[Exit Prof. Shreedy.]

Mrs. H. Why, Steve, what is the matter?

Hud. I will explain to you some other time. Let me present Mr. Randolph, mother, and my sister. Mr. Randolph is one of my best friends. I owe him a great deal. Are you going in to the Assembly, Jack?

Rand. [decidedly embarrassed]. No, I can't. There is a dress rehearsal at the Pud; a dress rehearsal, you know, and I must go right round to it now. I just came in for a moment. If you will excuse——

Hud. Oh, nonsense! Stay a little while. Take your coat off.

Rand. [aside to Hud.] Shut up, you jackass!

Miss H. [looking at Randolph's rubber boots]. Is it raining, Mr. Randolph?

Rand. [uneasily]. No, no, not yet, no, but it looks like rain.

Miss H. Why, the stars were all out beautifully a moment ago.

Rand. Yes—er—they—er—the stars? [With a noble effort] Ah, yes, yes, the stars were out, yes. But, er—they—er—they may go in again, you know. [Aside] What rot I am talking!

Hud. Well, it is not going to rain in here, anyway. Do take off your ulster and stay a minute.

Rand. Really, Steve, I'd like to, but that dress rehearsal, you know.

Hud. Oh, let the rehearsal wait. We are going in town in a moment, anyway.

Mrs. H. Don't leave us, Mr. Randolph.

Miss H. [at mantel-piece]. Steve, of whom is this a picture?

Hud. [turning]. Why, that is Jack himself in the last play.

Mrs. H. Oh, do let me see it. [Goes to fireplace. Hudson, Miss H., and Mrs. H. stand at mantel with backs to room.]

Burl. [from over the screen to Randolph]. For Heaven's sake, Jack, hand up that ulster!

Rand. [seeing him]. What in the name—what are you doing there?

Burl. [in a nervous and irritated undertone]. Confound it, man, I haven't any clothes on. Give me the ulster, quick!

Rand. Hurray! Up a tree, are you? You'll talk to her while I am at the rehearsal, will you? I told you that when I met her you wouldn't be in it.

Burl. Give me the coat, Jack; do, there's a good fellow.

Rand. I'll be hanged if I will!

Hud. [to his mother and sister]. Here is Ned's room. I expect it is a chaos just at present. [They move to door of Burleigh's bedroom, backs still to the rest of the room.]

Burl. Come round here. [Steps from behind the screen, and pulls Rand. behind.]

Rand. [from behind]. All right, just for a minute. You promise to give it back. [Burl. comes out from behind screen, with ulster on. Rand's head appears over screen.]

Burl. I'll see. [Walks towards others. Ladies turn.]

Mrs. H. Pardon me, Mr. Randolph——Oh!

Burl. Allow me to present myself, Mrs. Hudson——

Hud. Ned Burleigh!

Burl. Quite right, this time. I am Steve's chum.

Mrs. H. Why, Stephen, I don't understand.

Burl. [to Hud., severely]. I do.

Mrs. H. Will you explain this?

Burl. Yes, I think you had better.

Hud. [putting on a bold front]. Well, you see, mother, it was just a little joke on Ned. Just a little joke, that is all. [Forces a laugh.]

Miss H. Then the other was not your chum?

Burl. Most certainly not.

Mrs. H. Well, I don't understand it yet. However, I am very much relieved to meet the real Mr. Burleigh.

Miss H. Mother, I think we had better start for the Assembly.

Mrs. H. Where is Mr. Randolph?

Burl. Oh, he has just gone out.

Miss H. He must have left rather abruptly.

Burl. Yes, Jack Randolph has very queer manners. You see, he is awfully bashful.

Rand. [to Burl. over the screen]. Here, give me back that ulster.

Burl. [aside to Rand.]. I'll be hanged if I will. Who is in it now, eh?

Hud. Well, let us be going.

Mrs. H. Will you come with us, Mr. Burleigh?

Burl. I will follow you in later. I will go down with you to the carriage.

Hud. Well, come along.

Rand. [over the screen]. That is a low trick. [Reaches for Burl. with handle of umbrella three times; at third attempt screen falls over and Rand. flat on top of it—in short ballet dress and pink tights. His moustache, rubber boots, and decidedly masculine arms and legs make an excellent effect with the garb of a première danseuse. Ladies shriek.]

Steve. Jack!

Rand. [nervously spreading umbrella in front of his legs]. I—I beg your pardon. Please excuse my—my déshabillé. [To Hud., savagely] I told you I was going to the dress rehearsal. [Kicks Burleigh aside] I'll get even with you, Ned.

Mrs. H. Well, Steve, this has been an exciting visit. Does a college room often furnish such incidents?

Hud. Well, it's all the fault of——