INDEX

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Americana, 9 American Indians, The, 18 Authorship of the Declaration, 23 Cabots, The, 12 Constitutional Convention, 34 Division of Legislative Authority, 36 Eminent Domain—National Sovereignty, 25 Erikson and Columbus, 11 First Legislative Assembly, 21 Foreknowledge, 10 Gun flints wanted, 31 Icelandic Sagas, The, 10 Landing of the Pilgrims, 19 Master Spirit of the Revolution, 32 Name America, The, 13 Norse Adventures, The, 9 Progress toward Position as a World Power, 16 Signing of the Declaration, 22 What it cost to discover America, 16

Brevities, 593

Clever Hits of the Humorists, 276 According to Agreement, 284 Botanical Misnomer, 288 Business Economy, 289 Caderousse’s Wager, 283 Christmas Chimes, 295 Completing a Stanza, 289 Democritus at Belfast, 293 Double X, 282 Frankness, 282 630His Station, 281 Identified, 277 Killarney Echo, 280 Love of Specie-s, 281 Mark Twain convinced, 285 Met the Emergency, 282 Mistaken Vanity, 276 Motto for a Tavern Sign, 286 Nestling Shuttlecock, 296 New Light, A, 286 Not interchangeable, 288 Not Rousseau, 281 Preferred Beverage, 277 Pulpit Wager, 285 Remedy, The, 288 Rhus Toxicodendron, 285 Schweininger’s Thrust, 287 Seeing is Believing, 280 Significant Change, 287 Similar Privilege, 283 Toast, A, 276 Uncivil Retort, 278 Very Long Bill, 279 Whittier’s Impromptu, 279 Xanthippe vindicated, 290

Comical Blunders, 331 Aaron and Hur, 347 Alleged Danger of Rapid Movement, 346 “Beats,” not Turnips, 342 Before Railroads, 354 Betting on the Lord’s Prayer, 339 Both Sides, 335 Contradictory Phraseology, 339 Couldn’t fool him, 333 Desirable Uniformity, 351 Direct Information, 351 Disinfecting a Telegram, 331 631Economy of Nature, 349 Exchanging Errors, 339 False Doctrine, 350 Faux Pas, 341 German Pickwick, 344 Gibson’s Venus, 334 Great Mind, A, 338 Half-Truths, 337 Happening of the Unexpected, 337 Happy Thought, A, 332 Help from Above, 350 Highgate, 334 Hopeless Case, 335 Individuals, 340 Infelicities, 340 John the Baptist, 344 Minding One’s Business, 351 Misplaced Zeal, 353 Mistranslation, 352 Not a Chiropodist, 345 One Form of Vanity, 342 Poor Children, 350 Psoriasis, 338 Quakerese, 343 Question of Capacity, 336 Reasonable Excuse, 343 Sending a Postscript, 343 Stiefel, 332 “Sufficient” Guide-post, 341 Twenty Dunkards, 347 Unexpected Reception, 336 Unfamiliar Familiarity, 346 Wrong Man made a Count, 331 Wrong Word, 355

Enigmas, 514 Archbishop Whately’s, 514 Arithmetical Puzzle, 517 632Charades, 518 Fox’s, 514 Fugitive Sigh, 516 Genealogical Puzzle, 520 Hallam’s, 514 Macaulay’s, 515 Marigold, 520 Mitchell’s, 515 Palindromic, 516 Richard Porson’s, 516 Seward’s, 515 Sir Hilary’s Prayer, 521 What becomes of the Pins, 517

Evasions of Ambiguity, 322 Acknowledgment, 323 Artful Dodger, 323 Butchers, The, 327 Deceiver, A, 324 Difference, A, 324 Divine Service, 325 Doubtful Compliment, 325 Erskine’s Pleasantry, 329 Greek Lexicographers, 322 Judge like Solomon, 326 King or Pretender, 325 Legal Question, 326 Meeting the Difficulty, 327 Mortuary Word-Play, 330 Religion of Wise Men, 322 Rouge, 324 Shifting Responsibility, 329 Tough Witness, 328 Which?, 324

Even Homer sometimes nods, 362 Balboa, 370 Bishop Ken’s Doxology, 371 Bret Harte’s Astronomy, 364 633Byron’s Greek, 372 Cassio or Iago?, 367 Cenotaph, 370 Chinese Cycle, 363 Collins vs. Prior, 369 Dante as a Naturalist, 367 Gladstone’s Heber, 369 In Time of Peace, 368 Johnson’s Error, 366 Jugurtha, 362 Milton as a Botanist, 366 Milton’s Italian, 366 Mistakes of our Best Writers, 373 Racine vs. Voltaire, 363 St. Paul to the Ephesians, 371 Triple Error, 372 Watts vs. Cowper, 364 Wolseley’s Mistake, 365

Facetiæ, 223 Admissible Explanation, 228 Already had One, 223 Ask Papa, 224 Berners Street Hoax, 242 Canard, 226 Cardinal’s Curse, 241 Coldblooded Criticism, 234 Companion Pictures, 236 Compliant Courts, 237 Eye of the Fly, 225 Graduate, The, 233 High Art Advertising, 227 High Diddle Diddle, 245 Jack and Jill, 244 Juxtaposition, 236 Legal Dilemma, 238 Mary’s Little Lamb, 245 Meeting, The, 246 634Mr. Evarts’s Jocularity, 230 Mock Heroics, 234 Modern Judge on Portia, 237 Niagara, 236 Old Cock, The, 223 Poet-Farmer in a Fix, 231 Point of View, 244 Relative Size, 240 Second- or Third-Rate, 229 Sothern’s Practical Joke, 227 Too mild, 224 Unwilling Willingness, 235 Venerable Joke, 232 Vicissim, 244 Virgil’s Æneid dissected, 239 Worse than Worst, 231 Wounded Amazon, 239 Yale’s Way, 226

Falsities and Fallacies, 383 Anglo-Saxon as a Race Term, 413 Bacon Humbug, 398 Burning of Rome, 411 Don’t give up the Ship, 388 False Ascription, 383 Finding of Moses, 386 Good Old Times, 393 Guillotin, 416 Historic Phrase Disputed, 387 L. E. L. assumes a Virtue, 410 Lentulus Letter, 384 Maelstrom, 388 Mummy Wheat, 413 Penn Treaty, 391 Pocahontas, 390 Scott’s Fabrications, 385 Shakespeare’s Defiance of Historical Fact, 394 Specific Gravity, 389 635Stratford-on-Avon, 406 William Tell, 386

Famous Beauties, 567 Cleopatra, 567 Diana of Poitiers, 572 Eugénie, 579 Isabella, 571 Mary Stuart, 574 Ninon de l’Enclos, 573 Phryne, 568 Pompadour, 576

Female Poisoners, 583

Finis Coronat Opus, 604 At Last, 612 Auld Lang Syne, 613 Avoidance, 623 Burial Places of Europe, 604 Death, 628 Faith, Hope and Love, 627 Goethe’s Last Words, 622 Guizot’s Confession of Faith, 620 Immortality, 619 Imperator Augustus, 624 In a Rose Garden, 614 Into the World and out, 626 Mary Stuart’s Prayer, 625 No Repairs, 627 Now I lay me, 615 Old Hickory’s Death-bed, 624 Patientia, 626 Patrick Henry’s Legacy, 622 Thanatopsis, 618 Thiers’s Faith, 622

First Things, 125 Anæsthesia, 132 Anno Domini, 143 Anthracite, 133 636Auld Kirk, 140 Bank-notes, 143 Beer, 140 Billiards, 147 Boston “Merchantman”, 148 Boycott, 139 Cardinal’s Red Hat, 154 Cheap Postage, 147 Coffee, 146 College Papers, 129 Damnatus, 129 Dark Horse, 157 Degree of M.D., 150 Dollar, 149 Emblematic Eagle, 137 Equal Mark, 154 Erasure, 142 Eve’s Mirror, 145 First American Book, 128 First Blood of the Revolution, 125 First Christian Hymn, 152 First Duel in New England, 126 First Gold found in California, 158 First Marriage in American Colonies, 125 First Person cremated in America, 127 First Riddle, 138 First United States Bank, 165 Flag of the United States, 162 Gringo, 142 Honeymoon, 141 John Bull, 138 Machine Politics, 132 Marriage in Church, 149 Millions for Defence, 131 Mother Goose and Mary’s Lamb, 152 National Political Conventions, 163 Oldest Buildings, 126 637Oldest Declaration, 143 Oldest Living Things, 166 Old Hickory, 137 Old Proverb, An, 155 Old-time Journalism, 127 Order of the Garter, 146 Petroleum, 134 Photography, 135 Pioneer Furrier, 128 Postage Stamps, 148 Punctuation, 144 Sleeping-cars, 144 Stereoscope, 156 Suspension Bridge, 130 Theatrical Deadhead, 148 Thimble, 142 Title of Reverend, 150 Umbrella, 153 Virginia Abolitionist, 130 Vivisection, 139

Flashes of Repartee, 247 Bearding the Lion, 257 Best for her, 254 Boomerang, A, 252 Condemned Jester, 261 Courteous Retort, 256 Date of Possession, 250 Decay’s Effacement, 253 Declined with Thanks, 256 Distinction with a Difference, 257 Divine Knowledge, 259 Each his Own Way, 251 Ecclesiastical Tit-for-tat, 254 Even Chances, 255 Fitting Answers, 247 Force and Argument, 260 Future Provision, 257 638Hereditary Transmission, 247 Last Chance, 259 Left-handed Compliments, 248 Like Topsy, 249 Limitation of Authority, 248 Marjorie, 262 Marriage in Heaven, 260 Maternity, 250 Meeting an Emergency, 255 Nature’s Painting, 252 No Jury then and there, 251 Not beyond Reach, 248 Old Dominion, 250 Opposite Effects, 249 Quaint Reproof, 259 Quick-witted Damsel, 255 Relationship, 253 Sumner’s Legal Learning, 258 Walk vs. Conversation, 258 Woman’s Revenge, A, 254

Forecasts, 187 Emancipation, 194 Foreshadowing of the Germ Theory, 191 French Revolution, 195 Great Fire of London, 193 Moons of Mars, 187 Panama Canal, 190 Plague of London, 194 Reformation, The, 195 Sic Vos non Vobis, 187 Stenography, 192 Suez Canal, 189 Telephone, 191 White Lady, 196

Hits of the Satirists, 299 American Eagle, 303 Bancroft as a Historian, 305 639Battle Prayer, 299 Beaconsfield, 301 Burns’s Impromptu, 302 Carlyle as a Masquerader, 321 Compliments to Boswell, 305 Drama as an Instrumentality, 304 Forbidden Fruit, 305 Imitation of the Commentators, 317 Junius on the Duke of Bedford, 313 Lardner’s Mistaken Prediction, 306 Lawyers and Playwrights, 307 Pens dipped in Gall, 311 Plain Speaking, 310 Prince Regent, 303 Puffery Extraordinary, 301 Ruskin on the Bicycle, 316 Samuel Rogers, 312 Satire, 321 Serious Interruption, 316 Silly Newspaper Queries, 300 Stanhope, 310 Statesman as a Scientist, 306 Sylvan Reverie, 318 Thanks for Victory, 299 Wordsworth’s Horse, 318

Honeyed Phrase of Compliment, 550

Ideal Physical Proportions, 560 Grecian and American Standards, 562 Perfect Woman nobly planned, 560 Venus de Medici, 564

Legendary Lore, 417 Acadia, 441 Amulets and Talismans, 451 Chien d’Or, 446 Christmas Observances, 454 Circassian Legend, 437 Grouchy at Waterloo, 438 640Ilium Fuit, 417 Iron Maiden, 432 Letter M, 430 Macaulay in Role of Pickpocket, 419 Marred Destiny, A, 417 Marseillaise, The, 434 Maximilian at Queretaro, 447 Minister’s Messenger, A, 420 Mystery of the Dauphin, 425 Robinson Crusoe, 418 Shakespeare and Burbage, 436 Sistine Madonna, 428 Thieves’ Market, 449 Tobacco in Diplomacy, 422 Value of Practical Knowledge, 433 What Language did Jesus speak?, 457 Wolfe at Quebec, 443

Mazes of Obscurity, 554

Miscellanea Curiosa, 197 Age of Niagara Falls, 204 Ant’s Habits, The, 213 As you read it, 208 Bismarck in the Language of the Spirits, 204 Bolingbroke’s Favorite Desk, 198 Bottled Tears, 207 Caroline Herschel’s Many Years, 214 Circumstantial Evidence, 209 City in Darkness, 217 Constitution of the Early Churches, 214 Cromwell’s Grace, 202 Distant World, A, 205 Flowering Dogwood, 199 Fourth of March, 198 Franklin’s Brown Coat, 211 Graffiti at Pompeii, 218 He couldn’t have shot him, 202 Hero Worship, 212 641Home, Sweet Home, 215 Importance of Punctuation, 207 Itemized Bill, 220 Jack Sprat, 211 Latin Pronunciation, 221 Little Beggar’s Charity, 210 Long Name, A, 212 Loyalty to Prince, Disloyalty to Self, 197 Marriage in Undress, 216 Matter of Form, A, 206 None such, 213 Ocean Depths, 203 Offensiveness punished, 200 Pleasant Reading, 203 Powwow, 199 Premonitory Caution, 201 Prevention better than Cure, 222 Queer Parliamentary Enactment, 197 Quis Custodiet ipsos Custodes?, 213 Realism, 201 Ropes made of Women’s Hair, 200 Singular Expedient, 197 Sources of History, 212 Story of Witchcraft, 208 Superstition, 220 Sweet Auburn, 206 Tools of the Pyramid Builders, 205

Misquotation, 380

Missing the Point of the Jokes, 356

Our Historic Characters, 47 Franklin, 53 Grant at Appomattox, 71 Hamilton, 55 Jackson, 63 Jefferson, 58 Last Words, 77 642Lincoln at Gettysburg, 68 Marshall, 61 Washington, 47 Webster, 65

Our Language, 90 Alliterative Tribute to Swinburne, 101 Alphabet, The, 90 Alphabetical Fancies, 102 Americanisms, 92 Aspirate, The, 100 Changes in Pronunciation, 110 Collects, The, 107 Compressing the Alphabet, 101 Dream of a Spelling-Bee, 95 Either and Neither, 108 Guess, 123 If, 109 Index Expurgatorius, 112 Its, 107 Legal Verbosity, 106 Lingua Anglicana, 90 Longest Words, The, 95 Message from England, 123 Metaphorical Conceits, 118 Palindromes, 103 Perplexing Word, A, 98 Philological Contrarieties, 99 Phonetic Changes, 91 Power of Short Words, 105 Proper Names, 111 Rough, 108 Spelling Exercises, 93 Spelling Lesson, 94 Stilted Scientific Phraseology, 116 Trifles, 97 Verbal Conceits, 99 Vulcan, 101 643Words that will not be put down, 110 Words Wrong, Pronunciation Right, 104

Our National Airs, 39 An Air of Twelve Nations, 39 Hail, Columbia!, 40 Red, White, and Blue, 43 Star-spangled Banner, 41 Yankee Doodle, 44

Our Wonderlands, 78

Parallel Passages, 462

Prototypes, 168 Ancestry, 172 Best Service, The, 171 Bill of Fare, 172 Chestnut, 175 Christmas-Tree, 184 Cinderella, 173 Crossing the Bar, 174 Expressive Phrase, 176 Figaro, 169 Fourth Estate, 174 Guilds of London, 180 Malaprops, The, 169 Mark Twain’s Plagiary, 171 Monteith, 182 Milton’s Indebtedness, 176 Ne Sutor, 174 Next to Godliness, 177 Overstrained Politeness, 177 Pen and Sword, 170 Platform, 186 Punchinello, 178 Rip Van Winkle, 182 Setting up to knock down, 180 Shallows and Deeps, 185 Standing Egg, 179 644Shylock, 168 Workmen’s Strikes, 179

Stretches of Poetic License, 374 Barbara Frietchie, 374 Bird Song, 379 Hymn of Moravian Nuns, 376 Roman Sentry, 377 Sheridan’s Ride, 375 Sunflower, 378

Toasts and Mottoes, 596 American Commonwealth, 597 Army, 598 Christian Charity, 601 City, 599 Erskine’s, 603 Flag of our Union, 598 Good-night, 603 Independence Day, 596 Law, 599 Medicine, 600 Modern Transportation, 602 Navy, 598 Our Country, 596 Our Dead, 603 Pilgrim Fathers, 596 President of the United States, 597 Press, 602 Pulpit, 599 Sexual Affinity, 601 Temperance, 602 Woman, 600

Voices from God’s Acre, 523 Alford, 524 André, 530 Arthur Winter, 538 Bayard Taylor, 543 645Beust, 529 Bismarck, 546 Blue and Gray, 525 Booth, 524 Cheyne, 530 Condell and Heminge, 535 Corwin, 533 Croly, 523 Eleanor Gwyn, 533 George Eliot, 526 Grateful Memory, 544 Harriet Mill, 526 Harvard, 529 Hibernicism, 533 Horace, 523 Husbandman, 548 Huxley, 530 Indian Apostle, 531 In Mt. Auburn, 538 Johnson, 528 Keats, 543 Klaes, 534 Lady Mansel, 537 Little Ruth, 537 Longfellow and Brooks, 540 Palgrave, 540 Plato, 523 Prince Christian, 532 Queen Elizabeth, 527 Salvino Armato, 535 Santa Croce, 545 Scott, 527 Shakespeare’s Doctor, 536 Short Epitaphs, 544 Sir John Franklin, 542 Stevenson, 531 Webster, 524

646Wit of the Epigrammatists, 496 Appropriate Petition, 503 Bacon and Shakespeare, 499 Bar Sinister, 512 Better Late than Never, 510 Bulwer Lytton, 501 Busy Bee, 513 Changed Conditions, 509 Communism, 513 Complimentary, 501 Contrast, 504 Crier, 502 Debtor and Creditor, 507 Distinction with a Difference, 509 Division of Labor, 504 Double Prize, 502 Dryness, 507 Ended in Smoke, 507 Expectancy, 503 Fitness, 500 Four Georges, 496 Four Kinds, 510 Friend in Need, 512 Gamester’s Marriage, 509 Gay with One Leg, 498 Ghosts, 509 Glen Urquhart, 511 Hic, Hæc, Hoc, 501 History, 499 Horse-Breaker and Gray Mare, 505 Huijgens, 508 Jenner’s Quacks, 498 Jowett, 496 Keenness of Edge, 503 Ladies, The, 497 Lis et Victoria Mutua, 505 Loud Snoring, 499 Mackintosh, 506 647Never cut themselves, 498 None missing, 510 Not conclusive, 503 Not distinguishable, 512 Pretty Girl who lent a Candle, 511 Quodcunque Infundis Acescit, 511 Retaliation, 512 Revenons à nos Moutons, 504 Sarcastic, 497 Spirits, 513 Three Sportive Fishers, 508 Two Watering Places, 511 Washington, 506 War and Peace, 502 Welsh Poets, 500 Whewell, 496 Why no Last Will, 508 Winning Team, 513

Word-Twisting by the Punsters, 263

THE END

TRANSCRIBER’S NOTES

Silently corrected obvious typographical errors and variations in spelling.

Retained archaic, non-standard, and uncertain spellings as printed.