The Crankisms

Some illustrations have been lightly edited where they overlapped with text or decoration.

TP Title Page illustration

1 The kisses of an enemy are deceitful, but not as deceitful as the advice of the friend who is always counseling you for your own good. illustration

2 The best and the worst in man respond only to woman’s touch—unfortunately for man. illustration

3 Men reason; women do not. Woman has no logic, and judging from the use it is to man, is better off without it. illustration

4 The present arrangement of society refuses to many the means to live, while forbidding them the right to die when they wish. illustration

5 Woman generally tries to attract a man’s eye, and then blames him for being caught by prettiness and superficial charms. But she rarely tries to appeal to his better self. illustration

6 The man who is pockmarked has most to say against freckles. left lower right

7 Charity covers a multitude of sins which are committed in her name. illustration

8 Life is full of golden opportunities for doing what we do not want to do. lower left upper right

9 Never compliment a woman and you will earn her undying enmity. Respect is rarely appreciated by her; but compliments are always at a premium, even counterfeits being accepted as greedily as the real. lower right upper left

10 When we grow old we walk unfeelingly over that which we, in our youth, madly chased. upper left lower right

11 The biggest fool is the one who thinks he can fool others with impunity without them knowing and resenting it. illustration (bottom only)

12 When we get what we want we are always disappointed to find that it is not what we wanted. upper left lower right

13 Like does not always worship like: Beauty often worships the Beast. illustration

14 We were all in the front row when modesty was served out—at least we think so. illustration

15 Because some men are ruined by intemperance it does not follow that all should become abstainers, any more than because some men are ruined by marriage all men should remain single. illustration

16 What men see in women or women in men to admire is generally a puzzle to those who know the men and women in question intimately. lower left upper right

17 The only compliment which a woman really dislikes is that which is paid to another. illustration

18 Things have changed since Shakespeare’s time: men’s evil deeds we write in sympathetic ink; their virtues on marble tombstones. illustration

19 Our own weaknesses we regard as misfortunes from which we cannot escape; the weaknesses of others we consider crimes. illustration

20 No matter how well we do, we are sure to be anxious to impress upon others that what we have achieved is trifling—compared with that of which we are capable. lower left upper right

21 A woman is not a woman merely by reason of her sex, any more than an angel is of necessity an angel of light. left lower right

22 We are quite able, while hating sin, to pity and be charitable to the sinner—when we happen to be the sinner concerned. illustration

23 The commonly accepted idea that a woman of beauty is of necessity lacking in mental qualities, must have originated in the head of some woman who possessed neither. left upper right

24 The Devil is not as black as he is painted. In fact, he is more like us than we care to admit. upper left lower right

25 Faithful are the wounds of a friend; and as it is more blessed to give than to receive, we prefer to do the wounding. illustration

26 The naked truth and a naked lie Are shocking alike to society. upper left upper right

27 A man often envies another man his physical qualities—rarely his mental. As we have no soul mirror we cannot see the reflection of our spiritual deformities. lower right upper left

28 It is easy to have conscientious scruples when they are profitable. illustration

29 The man who marries for money is a fool, but rarely as big a fool as he who marries for love. illustration

30 When you have done a man a favor do not insist too earnestly that it is a mere trifle, or he may take you at your word and not trouble to repay it; which would be very disappointing. illustration

31 The gentle art of making enemies is the one natural accomplishment which is common to all sorts and conditions of men—and women. illustration

32 What we think of ourselves combined with what others think of us is a very fair estimate. illustration

33 If a girl cannot make up her mind between two men it is because she has no mind worth making up. Besides, any man who will knowingly be one of two is not worth the trouble of thinking about. illustration

34 If we devoted as much attention to our own affairs as we freely give to those of others, we and others would be gainers. illustration

35 Merit, like the show inside a circus, is of comparatively little use as a drawing card; it is the bluff and buncombe the banging drum and megaphone of the barker which is the successful magnet. upper left lower right

36 We always know what we should do under certain circumstances, but unfortunately we never find circumstances arranged so as to suit what we do. illustration

37 An over sensitive conscience is simply the evidence of spiritual dyspepsia. The man who has it is no better than his fellows. illustration

38 Generosity, as commonly understood, consists in forcing upon others that for which one has no use. illustration

39 There is a greater difference between really thinking and only thinking that we think than most of us think. upper left lower right

40 We rashly demand that the devil shall have his due, forgetting that if that gentleman gets all that is coming to him it will go badly with some of us. lower left upper right lower right

41 If women knew themselves as well as they know men—and if men knew women as well as they know themselves—things would be very much as they are. illustration

42 Before he knows a woman a man often thinks her an angel; when he knows her he knows—er—better. illustration

43 A critic is one who knows perfectly well how a thing should be done, but is unable to do it. Therefore we are all the keenest critics in matters of which we know least. illustration

44 From all enemies and most friends, good Lord, deliver us! illustration

45 Everything comes to the man who waits but that is no inducement to wait—for no man wants everything. He usually wants one thing in particular—just that one which he never gets, no matter how long he waits. illustration

46 When a man has drained the dregs of the bitterness of life, hope and fear no longer exist in him, only indifference which produces stupefaction. illustration

47 Forbidden fruit has no attraction until we know that it is forbidden. illustration

48 A man can be judged from the theatres he frequents and the ladies who accompany him there. left lower right

49 Criticism grows faint in the presence of successful achievement. left lower right

50 A man may confess that his judgment was at fault, but illustration

51 never that his intentions were other than strictly honorable. illustration

52 Our last match never ignites except when we are sure it will not, and are prepared for the worst. illustration

53 It is impossible to serve two masters, and few of us try. We are satisfied to praise God from whom all blessings flow while we cash the checks of Mammon. illustration

54 Our own success is due to our indomitable energy and other deserving traits; that of others largely to blind luck. With our energy and the good luck of others what could we not achieve! illustration

55 The trouble with most reformers that they waste their time and energy trying to reform somebody else. upper left lower right

56 We are convinced in our own minds that every man deserves what he gets; but, judging from ourselves, not every one gets what he deserves. lower left right

57 If we saw ourselves as others see us we should not believe our own eyes; but we should have a still lower opinion of the rest of the world than we now have. illustration

58 When we care we usually don’t dare; when we dare we don’t often care. left lower right

59 What sounds so sweet as the human voice—to the one who is doing the talking! illustration

60 Words may be mere wind, but then so is a tornado. illustration

61 Laugh, and the world laughs with you; cry, and the world laughs at you. illustration

62 A proverbial expression is often a crystallized lie which we should like to believe. illustration

63 Because everything is for the best it does not follow that it is for our best. illustration

64 It is easier to moralize than to be moral. illustration

65 The difference between an actress on the stage and a woman not on the stage is a matter of here and there. right upper left

66 Ignorance is not so surprising, nor such a mark of inferiority, as unwillingness to learn. upper left lower right

67 He who grows indignant when his veracity is questioned generally has good and sufficient reason therefor. illustration

68 Our joys are mainly those of prospect and retrospect. illustration

69 It is not to be expected that the average man should know what a real woman is like—he so rarely sees one. illustration

70 The Chinese promise and never intend to perform; we promise and do intend to perform. The result is about the same. left right

71 Woman regards the criticizing of her sex as her own prerogative, and criticizes more bitterly than any man would think of doing; but she resents any criticism, no matter how just, from man. illustration

72 Lambs, it is true, gambol, but in due time they all get fleeced. illustration

73 What we need is some philosopher to tell us how to be happy when we have every reason for being unhappy. illustration

74 The most striking trait of the average man is unwillingness to be convinced—that we are right and he is wrong. illustration

75 If man were so constituted that he could pat himself on the back gracefully, or kick himself effectively, he would spend most of his spare time doing one or the other. illustration

76 Most of us live as if we expected to be judged from our epitaph rather than from our conduct. illustration

77 The world is a paradise for fools, a purgatory or worse for others. illustration

78 When we have the capacity of enjoying we have not the reason for enjoyment; when we do have good and sufficient grounds we no longer have the capacity. left lower right

79 To be happy, give; to be successful, take; to be happy and successful, give and take. illustration

80 What a woman admires in a man depends on whether she is married or single. upper left lower right

81 Confidence given is usually confidence misplaced. illustration

82 Women admire the gilded youth because he is a golden calf. left upper right

83 Even those who do not repeat scandal are generally willing to listen to it. Talk of the virtues of another, and, as a rule, your hearers will get bored; only hint that you could a tale unfold and you will secure perfect attention. illustration

84 We forget that once upon a time we were little children; but the unpleasant fact that we are big children is being constantly forced upon us, together with the moral certainty that we shall never be anything else. lower right upper left

85 A man considers his little weaknesses amiable traits; a woman—a woman will not admit that she has a weakness. upper right lower left

86 God’s call, through the still small voice, to preach, is much more irresistible when megaphoned by a wealthy church. illustration

87 Many who sing loud praises to God, pay heavy tribute to the devil. illustration

88 If the world is, as is so often whined, growing worse, it is partly because of our presence in it. illustration

89 The counsel of a good book is far superior to that of a man who says one thing and does another. illustration

90 If other people would only be as reasonable as we are, what a heaven this earth would be. illustration

91 The world has no sympathy for the gambler who loses. illustration

92 Trust in God, but keep a sharp lookout on your friends. illustration

93 Tell the truth and you will shame the devil; you will also surprise him very often. illustration

94 The knowledge that virtue is its own reward is what deters many from well doing. illustration

95 It requires no particular skill to win the game when Fortune has dealt you all the trumps. illustration

96 We give much more thought to what is due to us than to what is due from us. illustration

97 A camel may not be able to pass through the eye of a needle, but that does not deter many a lobster from trying to do so. illustration

98 The man who sees things as they are is regarded as a madman, just as those were formerly looked upon who maintained that the earth was round. The average man sees things as they seem to be. upper left lower right

99 We are all convinced of the righteousness and reasonableness of majority rule—when we happen to belong to the majority. right lower left

100 The greater his trouble, the more a man hugs it to his heart. illustration