General Conundrums (continued 2)
Reading edition
Why has a chambermaid more lives than a cat? Because each morning she returns to dust.
Why ought the man who handles the reins on a horse car be successful? Because he does a driving business.
What paradox may often be found in a flower garden? A white pink.
Why do carpenters have great faith in soothsayers? They cannot work without an auger (augur).
What does a yawning policeman resemble? An open-faced watch.
Why is a crow like a lawyer? He likes to have his caws (cause) heard.
What is the political character of a water-wheel? Revolutionary.
Why are umbrellas like good churchmen? They keep Lent so well.
104Why is a cat going up three pair of stairs like a high hill? Because she’s a-mountin’.
What three letters give the name of a famous Roman general? C-P-O (Scipio).
Why should England be a very dry country? Because there has been but one reign there in over fifty years.
Why is a nice, but uncultured girl like brown sugar? Because she is sweet but unrefined.
Why are some women very much like tea-kettles? Because they sing away pleasantly and then all at once boil over.
What is the best way to keep fish from smelling? Cut off their noses.
Why should you never confide a secret to your relatives? Because blood will tell.
Which is the easier profession, a doctor’s or a clergyman’s? A clergyman’s: he preaches, the doctor practices.
How can it be proven that a horse has six legs? Because he has fore legs in front and two behind.
How does light get through a prism? It hews (hues) its way through.
105When is a pie like a poet? When it is Browning.
What can pass before the sun without making a shadow? The wind.
Why should watermelon be a good name for a newspaper? Because its insides would really be read.
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned in company? Because it is two gross.
When is a tourist in Ireland like a donkey? When he is going to Bray.
Why are people of short memories necessarily covetous? Because they’re always for-getting something.
What is the beginning of every end, and the end of every place? The letter E.
Why is the tolling of a bell like the prayers of a hypocrite? Because it is a solemn sound by a thoughtless tongue.
What letters of the alphabet are most like a Roman emperor? The C’s are.
Why is a sneeze like Niagara? Because it’s a catarrh-act.
When does water resemble a gymnast? When it makes a spring.
106What bird is in season all the year? The weather-cock.
What would you expect to find on a literary man’s breakfast table? Bacon’s Remains, Final memories of Lamb, if in season, and Shelley fragments.
When is a sick man a contradiction? When he is an impatient patient.
What is the dog-star announced to be? A sky-terrier.
What is the difference between a tunnel and a speaking trumpet? One is hollowed in, the other is halloaed out.
When may a man be said to be literally immersed in business? When he’s giving a swimming lesson.
What trade should one follow in order to cut a figure in the world? A sculptor.
What wind do we naturally look for after Lent? An Easter-ly one.
How do little fish have a proper idea of business? Not being able to do better, they start on a small scale.
When do cards most resemble wolves? When they belong to a pack.
107What vine does beef grow on? The bo-vine.
What is the difference between the Mormons’ religion and their wives? Their religion is singular, but their wives are plural.
When is a man duplicated? When he’s beside himself.
If a well known animal you behead,
Another one you will have instead.
Fox (f-ox).
Why is a drunken Irishman like a sentinel going his rounds? He is pat-rolling.
Why is a Zulu belle like a prophet of old? She has not much on’er in her own country.
Why is a blacksmith like a safe steed? Because one is a horse-shoer, and the other is a sure horse.
When giving invitations to a dancing party what single word will tell the hour to begin dancing? At ten-dance (attendance).
What is the greatest physical feat ever performed? Wheeling, West Virginia, on the Ohio.
What does an envelope say when it is licked? Just shuts up and says nothing about it.
108Why is a pretty girl like an excellent mirror? She’s a good looking lass.
When is an army totally destroyed? When the soldiers are all in quarters.
Why is too much whisky and champagne like the flowers that bloom in the spring? Because they make the nose gay (nosegay).
Why is a postman in danger of losing his way? Because he is guided by the directions of strangers.
What killed Joan of Arc? Too much hot stake.
What is the difference between a watchmaker and a jailer? One sells watches and the other watches cells.
Why are lawyers the most intemperate people? Because they are continually practicing at the bar.
What word of four syllables represents Sin riding on a little animal? Sin-on-a-mouse (Synonymous.)
What motive had the inventor of railways in view! A loco-motive.
With what do the mermaids tie up their hair? With a marine band.
109What tree bears the most fruit to market? The axle tree.
What is the sharpest instrument mentioned in the Bible? The Acts (axe) of the Apostles.
Why is a banker’s clerk necessarily well informed? Because he is continually taking notes.
Use me well and I am everybody; scratch my back and I am nobody. A looking-glass.
What great Scotchman would you name if a footman knocked at the door? John Knox.
Why is a billiard maker like a stage prompter? Because he gives the players a cue.
Why is the sculptor Powers a great swindler? Because he chiseled the Greek slave out of her clothes.
Why is the bank of England like a thrush? It often changes its notes.
What is it, which the man that made it does not need, the man who buys it does not use for himself, and the person that uses it does not know it? A coffin.
Why are convicts like a pack of cards? Because there is a knave in every suit.
110When is a fact like a universal patent? When it is patent to “all.”
What kind of a swell luncheon would hardly be considered a grand affair? A luncheon of dried apples and warm water, which is really a swell affair.
Why is a young lady like a promissory note? Because she ought to be settled when she arrives at maturity.
What is that which always goes with its head downward? A nail in your shoe.
Why is a man just put in prison like a boat full of water? Because he wants bailing out.
What sort of a face does an auctioneer like best? One that is for bidding.
Why should a poor salesman be put in the hands of a potter? Because he is very poor clay and should be fired.
Why is an account book like a statuary shop? It is full of figures.
When a young man calls upon his sweetheart what should he carry with him? Affection in his heart, perfection in his manners, and confections in his pockets.
111What is that which Adam never saw, never possessed, yet left two to each of his children? Parents.
When may a base-ball nine say its “cake is all dough”? When it does not have a good batter.
Why is it better to lose an arm than a leg? Because when you lose a leg you lose something to boot.
What key in music will make a good officer? A sharp major.
Why were the Jews of old like bad debts? Because they killed the prophets (profits).
What is political economy? Splitting your vote.
What makes everybody sick but those that swallow it? Flattery.
What jury of twelve tries us for a year? The twelve months; they all try us.
What is that which never flies except when its wings are broken? An army.
What is the difference between a very fascinating young lady and her watch? The watch makes one remember the hours, and the young lady makes one forget them.
112Why is an egg like a colt? Because it is not fit for use until it is broken.
Why is a threadbare garment like a man who was up late at the ball? Because both look worn out when they lose their nap.
What bridge creates the most anxiety? A suspension bridge.
When does a cook break the game law? When she poaches eggs.
Why is a cigar-loving man like a tallow candle? Because he smokes when he is going out.
What way of showing wrath has a tea kettle? It sings sweetest when it is hottest.
Why do you always make a mistake when you put on your slipper? Because you put your foot in it.
Why is a lucky gambler an agreeable fellow? Because he has such winning ways.
Why is the leading horse in a wagon team like the acceptor of a bill? Because he’s the end horse, sir (endorser).
What money brings the most substantial interest? Matri-mony.
113What is a remarkable fact when the Chinese actor loses his head? He is pretty sure to lose his cue at the same time.
Why, when you paint a man’s portrait, may you be described as stepping into his shoes? Because you make his feet-yours (features).
Why is the inside of everything mysterious? Because we cannot make it out.
Why is the Prince of Wales musing on his mother’s government like a rainbow? Because it’s the son’s reflection on a steady reign.
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