Volume 3 — Questions and Answers

Dear Captain Billy—Where can I find a man like Fatty Arbuckle?—Marie De Wildmen.

We have referred your inquiry to Pedro.

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Dear Captain Billy—What makes the wild cat wild?—Larry Cranker.

Turpentine.

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Dear Captain Billy—What is a “soubrette?”—Ivegon Buggs.

A singer that gets $50 a week and sends $100 home to mother.

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Dear Captain Bill—How long does the three-foot kiss in the movies last?—Oscar Latory.

Long enough to warp the hands on an asbestos alarm clock.

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Dear Skipper—If you were a cowpuncher alone in a big city and without a pony, saddle, or lariat, and desired to corral a calf, what would you do?—Scare D. Catt.

“Getting Gertie’s Garter” is one of the biggest hits of the season.

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Captain Billy—Why is it that the motion picture producers must give their picture such blatant title as “Once to Every Woman,” “Why Change Your Wife?”, etc. Stage plays don’t have to have “alluring” names to be successful.—Legit.

Quite right, Legit. The “movies” ought to tone down their titles so as to make them drab and commonplace and on a par with such stage successes, as “Mary’s Ankle,” “Up in Mabel’s Room,” “Twin Beds,” and the recent Broadway hit, “Getting Gertie’s Garter.” The last must have been some job.

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Dear Captain Billy—What is a golf hazard and what does ex-President Taft playing golf remind you of?—Loon Attic.

A golf hazard is getting stung by a bee in a rough. Don’t know what Taft playing golf reminds of unless it’s a hippopotamus playing tiddlywinks.

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Dear Billy—What is the best way to tell a gentleman?—Root T. Toot.

The best way is to watch how he wears his evening clothes—or pajamas. The first is preferable for single folk.

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Dear Cap—What is meant by the stuff dreams are made of?—Near Beer.

Paint, powder, padding and false hair.

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Dear Captain Fawcett—Can you give me a recipe for a dish known as Strawberry Surprise?—Miss Conny Sewer.

Pick the bones out of a quart of strawberries. Add two pounds of borrowed sugar. Throw in a quart of oyster shells and three raisins. If it is good that’s the surprise.

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Dear Bill—What are the best furs for summer wear?—Parry Moore.

Deerskin, bearskin and moleskin probably would suit your tastes. Moleskin is very popular nowadays. No matter where the mole is the skin can be worn to show it.

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Dear Cap—Which animal is the better fighter—dog or badger?—B. D. Chamber.

It depends on how strong the badger is. In the usual badger fight, too, much depends on the proficiency shown in the art of releasing the badger.

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Dear Whiz Bang—What bird is known as the bird of peace?—Passy Fist.

The chicken.

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Captain Breezy Bill—Kindly give me your Whiz Bang definition of the phrase “Matrimonial Progress.”—Whipper Will.

Adhering strictly to Queens-Gooseberry rules, I cheerfully submit the following: “Maid One; Maid Won; Made One.”

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Dear Billy—Where do women’s styles start?—Miss Wobb L. Walke.

Styles start in Paris but we finish ’em here.

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Dear Whiz Bang—Can you tell me if it is true that some animals use their tails as signals?—Dr. Walloper.

Yes, indeed—here in Robbinsdale and elsewhere. The South American puma is said to agitate its tail-tip to entice grazing, curious creatures. The white underneath part of several varieties of deer are said to be used as a guide for other members of the herd. The horse uses his tail as a sun shade for the driver. Probably there are other animals that use their tails, but as we have never taken our post-graduate degree in tail technology, this meager answer will have to suffice for the present.

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Dear Captain Billy—Would you please define “Platonic Love?”—Plute O. Fizz.

“Platonic Love” means that you can kiss her all you want and forget she is a woman. But there ain’t no such animal.

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Dear Captain Billy—Is it true that Fatty Arbuckle is to plead “insanity”?—Aunty I. Over.

We wouldn’t be surprised. Fatty has been acting rather funny for several months.