Volume 3 — Questions and Answers
Reading edition
Dear Breezy Bill—“What’s the tallest tree you ever have seen?”—Ella Mental.
Up at Pequot we have a tree that is so big it takes two men to look at it; one man looks up at it as far as he can and the other man begins where the first left off.
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Dear Captain Billy—I often have heard that there are lots of cows that do not give milk during the summer. Is this true?—O. Shoot.
Yes, in a way, but the next time anyone says such things you just tell them it’s “bull.”
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Dear Captain Billy—I am a girl fourteen years old and have a dog named Toddles. Should I let a boy of fifteen hug me?—Dot.
No, go in the house, and take the dog in, too.
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Dear Captain Billy—I met a guy at a dance, he kissed me during the moonlight waltz. What shall I do?—Helen.
Lay off the moonlight waltzes.
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Dear Captain Billy—Could you tell me when Cuba was discovered?—Hi Drant.
July 1, 1919.
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Dear Captain Billy—I am a young man only seventeen years old. My mother says I shouldn’t play with any rough girls. What shall I do?—Percy.
Do as your mother tells you, you little rascal.
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Dear Captain Billy—I am a boy eighteen years old and am in love with a bootlegger’s daughter. How can I tell her that I love her—Al. Hambra.
Send me her address.
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Dear Captain Billy—What are the secrets of success?—Harold Lloydette.
“Push,” said the button; “Take Pains,” said the window; “Never be led,” said the pencil; “Be up to date,” said the calendar; “Always keep cool,” said the ice; “Never lose your head,” said the hammer; “Make light of everything,” said the fire; “Find a good thing and stick to it,” said the glue.
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Dear Old Skip—What are goofus feathers?—U. N. Omeal.
The fuzz on a peach.
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Dear Admiral—What is the easiest way to catch a whiffempoof?—A. Fisher.
Throw a plug of tobacco in the water and hit him on the head with a club when he comes up to spit.
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Dear Captain Bill—Why is it that flies can’t see in the winter time?—I. C. Fairlywell.
I suppose it is because they leave their specs behind in the summer time.
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Dear Skipper—Can you dig me up a girl if I come to Robbinsdale to visit you?—Geehell.
Sure, but what’s the matter with me getting you a live one?
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Dear Skipper—What is funnier than a one-arm man trying to wind his wrist watch?—Horace.
A glass eye at a keyhole.
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Dear Skip—How is hash made?—Hi Water Shuz.
It isn’t made. It accumulates.
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Dear Breezy Bill—What’s your idea of the height of optimism?—Peter Outt.
Changing your socks from one foot to the other so that the toes will not fit the holes.
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Dear Captain Billy—Do you think that if I hired a pretty stenographer I would take more interest in my business?—J. G. P.
I don’t know whether you would take more interest in your business, but I know your wife will.
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Dear Skipper—Who was the first original profiteer?—C. Serpent.
The whale that swallowed Jonah; he grabbed all the Prophet in sight.
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In case your Ford misses, look in the exhaust pipe.