Volume 2 — Jest Jokes and Jingles
Reading edition
“Have you anything to say before leaving the stand?” asked the judge, after pronouncing a death sentence upon a negro murderer.
“Yes, suh, jedge,” replied the prisoner. “I wants to say right here dat dis is gonna be a lesson to me.”
* * *
The melancholy days have come, The saddest of the year; It’s much too warm for moonshine, And too cold for darned near beer.
* * *
He Snuffs It
Hashish Kid—“This is a grand town. Just imagine a quart of hooch at 50 cents a bottle.”
Thirsty Stranger—“S’sh! Where can I get it?”
“I don’t know.” I said, “just imagine it.”
* * *
A Hobo’s Lament
I said: Good man, can you help me, I’m a millionaire dead broke; But the poor old man was deaf and dumb, I could tell by the way he spoke.
* * *
Officer—“Why didn’t you salute? Don’t you know I’m a captain?”
Buck Private—“That’s a darn good job. Hang on to it.”
* * *
“Late house tonight, my love,” she’ll say, “Midnight or later maybe, If I’m not home till break of day, You stand to with the baby.”
* * *
I have a wife and I have a flivver. My license to run the flivver is o. k., but my license to run my wife absolutely is the bunk.
* * *
Feminine Intuition
Speaking of women having more sense than men, did you ever notice that when the baby gets big enough to walk father wants to give away the baby carriage, but mother puts it in the garret?
* * *
Filipino Style
At the Quaint Shop in Sterling, Ill., one can buy bead necklaces, “so beautiful,” as the shop quaintly puts it, “that every woman will want a string to wear if she hasn’t anything else.”
* * *
A new idea is like an egg—the responsible party simply can’t help talking about it.