The Ideal Candidates
Reading edition
(A by-law of the New York Board of Education says: “No married woman shall be appointed to any teaching or supervising position in the New York public schools unless her husband is mentally or physically incapacitated to earn a living or has deserted her for a period of not less than one year.”)
CHARACTERS
Board of Education. Three Would-Be Teachers. Chorus by Board: Now please don’t waste Your time and ours By pleas all based On mental powers. She seems to us The proper stuff Who has a hus- Band bad enough. All other pleas appear to us Excessively superfluous. 1st Teacher: My husband is not really bad---- Board: How very sad, how very sad! 1st Teacher: He’s good, but hear my one excuse---- Board: Oh, what’s the use, oh, what’s the use? 1st Teacher: Last winter in a railroad wreck He lost an arm and broke his neck. He’s doomed, but lingers day by day. Board: Her husband’s doomed! Hurray! hurray! 2nd Teacher: My husband’s kind and healthy, too---- Board: Why, then, of course, you will not do. 2nd Teacher: Just hear me out. You’ll find you’re wrong. It’s true his body’s good and strong; But, ah, his wits are all astray. Board: Her husband’s mad. Hip, hip, hurray! 3rd Teacher: My husband’s wise and well—the creature! Board: Then you can never be a teacher. 3rd Teacher: Wait. For I led him such a life He could not stand me as a wife; Last Michaelmas, he ran away. Board: Her husband hates her, Hip, hurray! Chorus by Board: Now we have found Without a doubt, By process sound And well thought out, Each candidate Is fit in truth To educate The mind of youth. No teacher need apply to us Whose married life’s harmonious. (Curtain.)