ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR (continued 3)
Reading edition
All at once the subaltern shouted “Good heavens!” and bolted through the communication trench.
A sergeant, who was very fond of the young officer, went after him, and came back shortly after to the commanding officer to report:—
“Sir, he has recaptured the trench.”
The commanding officer collected his men, and again advanced to the fire trench, where he found the subaltern, with a revolver in each hand, in front of a whole row of Germans, who had laid down their rifles and were holding up their hands. The commanding officer congratulated him, but pointed out the recklessness of his action.
“Sir,” replied the subaltern, “I wanted to get my glasses back.”
CONCERNED
Old Lady (to nephew on leave from the front)—“Good-by, my dear boy, and try and find time to send a post-card to let me know you are safely back in the trenches!”
MOST LIKELY
Bix—“By the way, who is, or rather was, the god of war?”
Dix—“I’ve forgotten the duffer’s name, but I think it was Ananias.”
TIMID
Officer (as Private Atkins worms his way toward the enemy)—“You fool! Come back at once!”
Tommy—“No bally fear, sir! There’s a hornet in the trench.”
NOISY TIME-PIECE
Ship’s Officer—“Oh, there goes eight bells; excuse me, it’s my watch below.”
The Lady—“Gracious! Fancy your watch striking as loud as that!”
IN NAVAL TERMS
“That is the rhinoceros. See his armored hide?”
“Um. And what’s this?”
“The giraffe.”
“Gee! He’s got a periscope.”
SO CHANGEABLE
First Recruit—“What do you think of the major, Bill?”
Second Recruit—“‘E’s a changeable kind o’ bloke. Last night I says to ’im ‘’Oo goes there?’ An’ he says, ‘Friend,’ an’ today ’e ’ardly knows me.”
AMONG THE MISSING
Old Lady (to wounded officer)—“Oh, sir, do you ’appen to ’ave ’eard if any of your men at the front ’as found a pair of spectacles wot I left in a 16 ’bus in the Edgware Road?”
NO LUCK
“Do the Germans ever leave anything valuable behind them in the trenches?”
Veteran—“Never a drop, mum!”
RECRUITING IN ENGLAND
Overlooking Blackburn cemetery has been stuck a great recruiting poster, which reads:—
“Wake up! Your King and Country need you!”
ALL BUT THE FIG LEAF
Here is a true story from Paris. A batch of conscripts were to be examined by the army doctor. The latter, after seeing that everything was ready in the room, called out to the soldier attendant:
“Send in the first man.”
The attendant shouted, “Adam!” And in walked a nude man whose name it was, and who happened to be the first on the list.
LACKED EXPERIENCE
The black sheep of the regiment stood before his commanding officer charged with being drunk. He stoutly denied the offense, and there was only one witness, a sergeant, to prove it. However, the records showed eleven previous convictions for the same offense.
“You are a hardened and habitual offender,” said the captain, sternly. “I can’t take your denial against the sergeant’s word.”
The prisoner turned to the sergeant-witness, and asked, “Have you ever been drunk?”
On receiving an emphatic negative, he turned to the captain again.
“Sergeant says I was drunk; I says I wasn’t. I ask yer, captain, which is likely to be right—him what’s ’ad no experience of what being drunk is, or an ’ardened and ’abitual like me?”
CONDESCENSION
Modesty is an engaging quality in a young man, and the British War Office is said to have appreciated the letter of a youth with no military experience whatever who, in applying for a commission, stated that he would be quite willing to start as a lieutenant.
A HEARTHSTONE HERO
“I hear, Tommy, you saved a life in the war.”
“Hi did, sir.”
“How did you do it, Tommy?”
“By not hinlisting, sir.”
STICKING TO IT
When the Germans entered Belgium a native of Liége made himself obnoxious to one troop by his constant loud talk about the brave defense. Finally the commander summoned him.
“Now, you’ve boasted about enough,” he said. “We can’t listen to you any longer. I’m going to give you your choice: you will be shot, or you will swear allegiance to the German Emperor.”
Considerably subdued, the offender pondered. “Well,” he decided, “I don’t want to die, so I guess I’ll swear allegiance.”
And he took the oath.
“All right,” said the commander, “now you are one of us. You can come and go as you like.”
The man walked towards the door and was passing out, when suddenly he turned. “Say,” he exclaimed, “didn’t those Belgians give us an awful fight!”
THE RETREAT FROM ALSACE
Loquacious Visitor—“So you were wounded at the front, my good man?”
Irishman—“No, begorry. I was wounded in the rear av me.”
TEETH NOT ESSENTIAL
Medical Officer—“Sorry; I must reject you on account of your teeth.”
Would-be Recruit—“Man, ye’re making a gran’ mistake. I’m no wanting to bite the Germans; I’m wanting to shoot ’em.”
FLASHES OF IRISH WIT
160 Pages Paper Covers Price 30 cents. BY CARLETON B. CASE.
The best bulls, blunders and banter by the sons and daughters of the Emerald Isle, gathered into one volume for the delectation of all who appreciate a hearty laugh. This is not a mere collection from the ancient Irish authors, with their “Handy Andys” and other butts and jokers, but, in the main, is the best wit of the modern, the transplanted Irishman, the kind that Americans best know and appreciate. You will agree, when you peruse it, that it is the most mirth-provoking collection of real good Irish fun you ever read, and to say that is equivalent to saying that it is a book of unsurpassed humor, for the Irishman above all others “takes the cake” as a natural wit.
SHREWESBURY PUBLISHING CO. Chicago
A BATCH OF SMILES
160 Pages Paper Covers Price 30 cents. BY CARLETON B. CASE.
A collection of the most laughable jokes, doings and sayings of funny folks, gathered from every quarter of the globe; warranted to produce a smile on the longest face. Comprising original and selected anecdotes by the world’s best wits, some of which have never before been in print, and all of them funny and laugh-provoking; such humor as ladies and gentlemen appreciate, and are better and happier for the having. This is a companion book to Flashes of Irish Wit, its contents entirely different and with less of the Hibernian humor; the two taken together making the most complete gathering of modern wit extant.
SHREWESBURY PUBLISHING CO. Chicago
The Shrewesbury Series of POPULAR ENTERTAINMENT BOOKS
Edited by Carleton B. Case
The very latest, most up-to-date and complete works of their kind. Uniform in style. Price each 30 cents. Procurable where you bought this book, or will be sent postpaid direct from the publishers on receipt of price.
Shrewesbury Publishing Co., Chicago
A Batch of Smiles (humor)
A Little Nonsense ”
Flashes of Irish Wit ”
Some Irish Smiles ”
Wit and Humor of Abraham Lincoln
New Book of Conundrums and Riddles
How to Write Love-letters
Art of Making Love
Etiquette for Every Occasion
Gypsy Witch Fortune-Teller
Telling Fortunes by Cards
Gypsy Witch Dream Book
Oriental Dream Book
Herrmann’s Wizards’ Manual
Comic Declamations and Readings
Junior Recitations
Holiday Recitations
District School Recitations
Children’s Select Recitations and Dialogues
Junior Dialogues
Juvenile Dialogues
High School Dialogues
Entertaining Dialogues
Fun for Friday Afternoons (dialogues)
Friday Afternoon Dramas
(Others in preparation)
THE SHREWESBURY POPULAR ENTERTAINMENT BOOKS
TELLING FORTUNES BY CARDS
By Mohammed Ali 160 Pages Paper Covers Price 30 cents.
(Edited by Carleton B. Case.) A symposium of the various ancient and modern methods, as practiced by Arab Seers and Sibyls and the Romany Gypsies, with plain examples and simple instructions that enable anyone to acquire the art with ease. Divination by cards nowadays is chiefly employed for amusement and pastime, for entertaining one’s self or one’s company; at church fairs, charity bazars and the like. This book supplies all the data for the complete mastery of this interesting science, and is the only one in the English language that is free from technical errors. Just out.
A LITTLE NONSENSE
By Carleton B. Case 160 Pages Paper Covers Price 30 cents.
A book of the best current wit, culled from European and American sources; all clean and laughable; due to find a place in every home where mirth is welcome and happiness has its habitat. Nobody knows who wrote
“A little nonsense now and then Is relished by the wisest men,”
but that couplet inspired our title. It is a collection of smile-provokers for “the wisest men,” and women, and we believe you’ll like it. There are bits of Irish anecdote in places, but most of the fun is other than Hibernian, and all of it is good.
SHREWESBURY PUBLISHING CO. CHICAGO