Front matter (continued 2)

By this Time we arriv'd at the Gates of the Palace; for the Coach being drawn by Six Ostriches, we were but a little Time upon the Way; and mounting the great Stair-case, without being any way molested by the People's Curiosity (for the Moment my Lord appear'd every Fowl of what Quality soever, clapp'd his Beak to the Ground, and did not alter that Posture till he was past) he bid me stay in the Anti-chamber till sent for, and went himself into the Presence. He had not been there five Minutes, before I heard that Door open, and a Jay with a strait-body'd Coat, which button'd on his Breast, and thro' which his Wings and Legs pass'd, came hopping into the Room where I was, surrounded by F2 the Courtiers, who view'd me with Surprize, but were so well bred as to whisper their Sentiments of me. This impertinent Jay peck'd 'em by the Legs, or pull'd 'em by the Crown-feathers, without Distinction: Nay, I saw some Cacklogallinians of the great Order, whose Heads he could not reach, stoop to him, and beg he would do them the Honour to pull their Crowns. Every one shew'd him Respect, and made way for him to come up to me; he view'd me some time, and then peck'd me by the Finger; for he did not reach higher than my Hand, when it hung down. I returned the Compliment with a Wherret of my Fist, which knock'd him over, and had cost me my Life, durst any have struck in the Palace. There was a terrible Uproar, and I was apprehensive, that I should pay dear for my Resentment; but the Emperor to whom my Lord was then giving an Account of me, being inform'd, that the Impertinence of the Jay had caus'd the Disturbance, he order'd him to be carried to the Guard, that he should be lock'd up for three Days, and take two Purges and a Vomit (for Criminals not guilty of Capital Crimes, are punish'd by a Number of Vomits or Purges, which are more or less, according to the Vileness of the Fact) I was called into the Presence-chamber, where I made my Compliment as instructed, and then address'd my self to the Ladies, giving the Precedence always to the bulkiest, according to my Instructions. The first Squabbaw whom I address'd my self to, was about Seven Foot round; her Crop hung within Six Inches of the Floor, which I have since learn'd is a particular Beauty; the Effluvia of her Body were extreamly strong, and oblig'd his Imperial Majesty, when she spread her Tail to me, to smell to an Aromatick Leaf.

This Prince, tho' of a very advanced Age, has been represented, both by the Reports of his Ministers, and others, as a Person of great Incontinency, in which I think he was injured; for tho' he pass'd most of his private Hours only in the Company of the Vultuaquilian Squabbaws (so call'd from the Province where they were born) he did it, partly because of his long Accquaintance with them, and partly to hinder the too frequent Visits of the first Minister, who scarce ever came into his Presence, but to importune him, for new Grants and Promotions for Himself and Family; and as to the Cacklogallinian Squabbaws, he sometimes F3 admitted them to please their Husbands and Relations, who flatter themselves with an imaginary Honour, to have their Wives and Daughters near him. I have good Grounds for what I advance; for I was Five Years in his Court, and frequently convers'd with his Squabbaws. This won't I hope, be thought a piece of Vanity in me, when the Reader reflects, that I was look'd upon as a Monkey is with our Ladies.

The Emperor was highly delighted with the Present his Minister made him, and order'd all possible Care to be taken of me. My Lord told him I might be as useful to his Majesty as my Make was curious, for he found me very intelligent, learning the Languages with great Facility, and that it was possible I might be serviceable in extending his Dominions, by bringing that Part of the World, which my Species inhabited, in Subjection to his Imperial Majesty.

Have they, said the Emperor, any Gold among them? I took the Liberty of assuring his Majesty, that we were the richest Nation in the Universe; that by our Trade, which never was so flourishing as at this Time, we brought in immense Quantities of that valuable Metal, and that we suffer'd none to be exported. It may then, replied his Majesty, be worth our while, one Day to think of this.

The Emperor order'd me to be conducted to an Apartment, and Leave was given to all the Vultuaquilian first, and Cacklogallinian Quality, to see me the next Day. I had every thing I could wish provided for me, and a Month after I had been at Court, I had the Liberty of the Palace, and the Emperor would often call me into his Closet (as he found I was not ignorant in Arithmetick) to help him weigh and count his Wedges of Gold, and set down the Number, Weight and Value of each Piece; for this was a Diversion in which he amused himself.

This Prince was not very curious, for in the five Years I was in his Court, he scarce ever asked me one Question concerning the Europeans; nor was he in one Respect the Bubble of his Favourites, for I never saw him give one Piece of Gold to any of them, even the Squabbaws.

The Grandees, who perceived me grow in Favour so far, as that the Jay was turn'd out of Court for his Sawciness to me, which he redoubled after his having been confined, strove who shou'd shew me the most Respect, and F4 make me the greatest Professions of friendship. They not only offer'd me their Purses, but even their Wives and Daughters, whom they often left with me and whose Immodesty has often put me to the Blush. Nay, a Boutofallalian, a Title answering to our Duke, told me, if I continued this Shyness, and would not do him the Honour to pass now and then an Hour with his Lady, he shou'd not take me for his Friend; and leaving her with me, he lock'd the Door.

Her Grace was as generous as her Spouse; and when I urg'd the Difference of our Species, she said, she was satisfied that wou'd be no Impediment, by what she had seen, for I had indeed no other Covering than a Mantle, and both his Majesty and his Squabbaws took a Pleasure to teaze me, by pulling it off, and leaving me naked in a full Circle. In short, I was forc'd to save my self by the Window being on a Ground Floor, after all my Excuses were to no Purpose: But fearing the Lady's Resentment, I begg'd the Minister, exaggerating her Husband's Merits, to give him a Pension, and I my self carried and delivered the Grant to her Grace, which made my Peace with both.

One Day, an old Colonel, who was very poor, accosted me in the Emperor's Garden. My Lord, said he, I beg you will vouchsafe me an Audience of Quarter of an Hour; I shall look upon it as the greatest Condescension in you, and as the greatest Honour done me. I told him he mistook my Title, and gave me one I never did aspire to; but that I was very ready to hear and serve him, for I had seen him often at Court offering Petitions, which were always rejected, and I had a Compassion for him.

"Your Goodness, said he, can alone be equalled by your Modesty; give me Leave then to tell you, I have served long and faithfully in the late Wars against the Owls and Magpyes, but to my great Surprize, at my Return home; my Regiment, without any Fault alledg'd, was taken from me, and given to a Valet de Chambre who had never seen an Enemy; his Master was a Boutofallalian, had a Mind to reward his Pimp, and all that I cou'd say, might as well have been let alone. I had no Estate but what I sold, and gave to a Courtier to get this Regiment, after I had served many Years as a Captain, without the least Blemish in my Character. I have since been in almost a starving Condition, and have wearied my self out with Petitions to no Purpose; for if any, as very few, were received, they were never answered, and perhaps never read. I have therefore no Hopes but what are founded on your Charity: I see it vain to hope for Employment, and shall change my Suit to that of being put into the Hospital of the Meritorians (which in English, signifies disabled and superannuated Soldiers) I beg your Compassion for a most unfortunate and perishing Man, who has served his Prince and Country with Fidelity, and on several Occasions has distinguish'd himself, as Your Honour will be satisfied, if you will take the Pains to examine these Certificates."

[Transcriber's Note: In the original text, the remainder of the chapter is a single long paragraph.]

He put several into my Hands; one mentioned his being the first who broke Ranks, and put the right Wing of the Enemy in Disorder, which was followed by a signal Victory over the Magpyes and Owls: Then another mentioned his taking the Royal Banner, in the Battle of Bellfugaro: A third certify'd his surprizing a great Convoy of Provisions, carrying to the Enemy's Camp, the Loss of which, made them break up the Siege of Barbaquero. In short, he had about Twenty, signed by the General and chief Officers, which spoke him a Fool of singular Gallantry. When I had return'd them, I ask'd, in what he thought I could serve him?

"I beg, said he, you wou'd recommend me to the Minister to be provided for as a superannuated Officer; your Honour cannot do an Act of greater Charity."

"Sir, said I, is it possible you can be so great a Stranger to the Court, as to imagine Merit carries any Weight with it. Your Certificates prove you have done your Duty like a gallant Officer; but then you have done no more than what was expected from you, and what you were paid for."

"I acknowledge what your Honour says, replied the Colonel, but I can name many, who have run away, or been taken violently ill at the time of a Battle, and who are not only continued in Post, but even advanced."

I answer'd, it was very true; but that such Fowls were otherwise serviceable in the Government, had handsome Wives or Daughters, or could procure such of their Acquaintance, or perhaps were elected into the Grand Council of the Nation, and had a Vote to dispose of. But, Sir, I will deal with you ingenuously, I can do you no Service at all in this Affair; for the Minister has so many Bable-Cypherians (in English, Members of the Great Council) to oblige, and they have so many Valet de Chambres, Butlers, and Footmen to provide for in the Hospital, that it's more likely the Officers and Soldiers now there will be turn'd out to make Place for them, than any other will be admitted. If you have Interest to get a Number of these Bable-Cypherians to back your Petition, which you may get, if you can bribe and cajole the Attendants of their Squabbaws, or their own Valets, it's possible you may succeed in your Pretensions.

"I'll sooner, said he, starve, than be guilty of so great a Condescension, or more properly, so mean an Action." This he said with some Warmth, and I replied as coolly, it was in his own Option. "I find then, said the Colonel, you won't serve me." I have, said I, given you Reasons which prove this Way I cannot: But if giving your Petition and Certificates to the Emperor will be of use, I'll venture to do it for you. "The Emperor, replied he, is a good Prince, but has little Interest with the Minister; and to hope any thing, but thro' his Canal, is altogether vain." Saying this, he took his Leave in a very courteous manner. The Minister was inform'd, that I had entertain'd a long Discourse with this Officer, and ask'd me the Subject of it. I told him what he desired, but that I declined troubling his Excellency with such Trifles.

"These Fowls, said he, who build on their own Merit, are extremely impertinent. The Colonel now in Question is one of your Fowls who might by his Principles have made a Fortune, had he lived Two or Three Hundred Years ago; but they are now obsolete, and he starves by tenaciously practising his musty Morals. Why, he'll have the Impudence to be always speaking Truth; and tho' he has been thrust out of the Palace for this Vice more than once, he is not to be corrected. He will tell a Fowl of Quality without Ceremony, that he's a Pimp, and was raised by the Hens of his Family: He'll make no Bones of telling another, if his Prudence made him decline Danger, that he's a Coward: A Third he'll impudently remind of his former Livery, tho' his good Fortune has raised him to the Title of a Grandee. Nay, he had the Face to tell me, upon my refusing to take his Petition, That it was great Pity, when I was imprisoned for Peculation, that the Justice of the Nation did not first purge, and then hang me; that I was a publick Robber, and deserv'd the Gallows more richly than a common Thief. His Poverty and Folly made me pity and pardon him, if leaving him to be laugh'd at and starv'd, are to be esteemed no Punishment. As I really pity'd the Fowl, I found where he lodged, and supplied him with sufficient to keep him above Want, tho' I would never trust him with the Knowledge of his Benefactor, nor would ever after be seen to give him the least Countenance."