PREFACE. (continued 2)

It is the practice for physicians from other Assylums to visit there, and see all the patients. One day there was a Dr. Ray, with others from the Maine Assylum; Dr. Bell began to mock me about being married, knowing that all my affections were dead, to see what effect it would have upon me, holding my pulse at the time, and laughing at each other. To be made a subject of mockery before men in this obscene manner was too much, I appealed to his benevolence to spare me this cruel mockery; spoke of female character, and that I had done much to save females from the stream of pollution. My feelings were overcome, and I seized hold of a chair to save me from falling, but I was too far gone and fell upon the floor, and then a roar of laughter was set up by all. I went into my room and layed myself upon the bed. I thought of the poor slave, but oh, they do not know their happiness; gladly would I exchange situations with any one that ever suffered from the rude barbarian; and yet it is thrown back upon me that it is derangement, and my cruel torturers are held up and applauded. I sent a letter to brother Eben's wife, to come; but I received no visit from her on account of her peculiar circumstances. I saw no one until the 22d of Dec. I had been there then thirteen months, and had seen only brother Eben's wife. I plead with my brother to let me go home; he said he was not willing, but I might come out to his house after his wife's health was better. I felt that I was such an outcast that I had no people to go to; but that a mother must have a mother's feelings, and I knew not who to look to in the world in my lost, ruined condition, but a parent. My brother seemed to feel for my ruined condition, and asked me why I did not tell what my situation was, for he knew nothing about it only what they told him. This brother had never opposed me in my religion, and I had always taken a very active part in his family devotion, as his wife is a member of a congregational church. I told him I plead with Stephen not to leave me, not knowing that it was an Insane Assylum, or what was to be done to me. I told him how I was deprived the privilege of writing. He said he did not wish me treated ill, and wished me to come out to his house. I told him I wanted to go home. He stopped about an hour with me, and bid me good bye, and said he would come again. This was about the 24th of Dec. I asked Dr. Bell to let me write to my brother, stating that I would go out to his house, for I wanted to get out of that place; he gave me a very short answer; he said he was not willing that I should write to my brother, or any other one. I then told him that my brother told me I could write to him anything that I wished. He said if my brother told me so, he was not willing; I did not rest at this, but constantly plead with him to grant me the privilege, but could not prevail upon him, for he said that my brother was glad I had not accepted his invitation. Then I took the liberty of writing without his consent, and handed it to Mr. Appleton, one of the Trustees, requesting him to prevail on Dr. Bell to let him take that letter to my brother, and wrote one to Mr. Appleton at the same time, stating the reason of taking that liberty. He told me he would talk with Dr. Bell about it. The next day I asked Dr. Bell if he had sent my letter; he said no; I asked him the reason; he said it was because he thought my brother would not grant my request. In my letter I requested my brother to let me have a change; if he thought it not proper to come to his house, to let me go any where else. I saw no one again until March, when my mother come to see me with brother E. I had written to have him come and see me, and what my situation was. Little did I think but what my parent knew of my situation when I was first put in there. But I had been there about a year before they knew any thing about it. She stopped about an hour. At first she appeared to be quite affected; but my mother does not profess spirituality, and always opposed me about my religion, and often said, after I met with a change, that she thought I was deranged. Of course she regarded me as a deranged person. I plead her to stay all night with me, but she returned with my brother that night, and said she would come on Saturday. On Saturday she came on the gallery to see me, about two o'clock, and returned with my brother at six; I wished her to stay all night with me, but she was not willing. I wanted my mother to tell my brother to take me out and let me go home with her. But I always was regarded with a great deal of coldness, and now I was looked upon as a poor deranged person, and therefore found but little sympathy. My mother left me without bidding me good bye, saying that she should see me again. Brother Eben came to see me, about four weeks after. Still I plead with him to let me go home; but he wanted me to come out to his house. I felt that I did not want to go there, after he had said he was glad I did not accept his invitation. But he has since told me he never said so, and has shewn me a letter he wrote to me, saying that he wished me to write to him, and to come out to his house; but Dr. Bell advised him not to let me have the letter. On the 15th of April, brother William came to see me, from New York. This brother I had not seen but once for about twelve years. He was much affected to hear of my suffering; he said it had always been represented to him that I was a perfect deranged person. He come again the next day and took me out. I went to brother Eben's that night, and the next day William carried me home.