Act 4 — SCENE II.
Reading edition
Enter Wanton and Wild.
Wan. You had best brag now, and use me like my lady What-d'ye-call; but if you do, I care not.
Wild. Come, y' are a fool. I'll be a faithful friend, and make good conditions for thee before thy husband be quit.
[Wild sits down with Wanton in his lap.
Wan. You must do it now or never.
Wild. Hark, hark! I hear them. What's the news?
Enter Captain, Jolly, Watch, Bawd, and Parson.
Capt. We have brought a couple of delinquents before your worship: they have committed a very foul fault.
Jolly. And we have brought the fault along too, that your worship may see it. You will be the better able to judge of the offenders.
Par. Ha! what do I see? My wife in master justice's lap!
Wan. What has the poor fellow done?
Capt. Why, madam, he has been taken in bed with this woman, another man's wife.
Wan. In bed with her, and do you raise him to punish him? Master constable, if you would afflict him, command them to lie together again. Is not the man mad?
Par. This is fine roguery! I find who rules the roost.
Wild. Well, to the business. You say he was taken in bed with another man's wife.
Capt. Yes, and't like your worship.
Wild. Make his mittimus to the Hole at Newgate.
Wan. Sure, I have seen this fellow's face. Friend, have I never seen your face before?
Par. If I mistake not, I have seen one very like your ladyship's too. She was a captain's cast whore in the town. I shall have a time to be revenged.
Wild. How now, sirrah, are you threatening? Away with him.
Capt. I'll fetch a stronger watch, sir, and return presently.
Wild. Do, master constable; and give the poor woman something, and set her free; for I dare say 'twas his wickedness. She looks like one that ne'er thought on such a thing.
Bawd. God bless your worship, I am innocent. He never left making love till I consented.
Enter Captain in his own shape.
Par. O miserable, miserable!
Capt. How now, what's the news here? My honoured friend and master parson, what makes you here at this time of night? why, I should have thought this a time to have envied you for your fair bride's embraces. Do you give these favours? Are these your bride-laces? It's a new way.
[Plays with the cord that binds his arms.
Par. Is it new to you?
Wan. How now, captain?
Capt. Wanton, is this your plot to endear your husband to you?
Par. No, 'tis thy plot, poor beaten captain; but I shall be revenged.
Capt. Yes, faith, it was my plot, and I glory in't; to undermine my Machiavel, which so greedily swallowed that sweet bait that had this hook.
Par. 'Tis well.
Capt. But my anger ends not here. Remember the base language you gave me—son of a thousand fathers; captain of a tame band; and one that got my living by the longstaff-speeches—for which and thy former treacheries I'll ruin thee, slave. I'll have no more mercy on thee than old women on blind puppies. I'll bring you to your commendations in Latin epistles again, nor leave thee anything to live on—no, not bread—but what thou earn'st by raking gentlewomen's names in anagrams.[263] And, master justice, if ever you'll oblige me, stand to me now, that I may procure the whipping of him from the reverend bench.
Par. I am undone.
Wild. I can do nothing but justice: you must excuse me. I shall only make it appear how fit it is to punish this kind of sin in that coat in time, and to crush such serpents in the shells.
Par. Mercy, O, mercy!
Wild. Officers, away with him.
[They pull him away.
Par. No mercy?
Wan. Yes, upon conditions, there may be some mercy.
[The Parson looks very dejected.
Wild. And these they are: let the watch stay in t'other room. [Exit Watch.] First, your wife shall have her liberty, and you yours, as she reports of you; and when you bring her with you, you shall be welcome. Then you shall not be jealous; that's another point.
Capt. That he shall have a cure for.
Wan. Yes, yes, I'll apply something to his eyes shall cure him of his doubt.
Wild. Then you shall ask the captain pardon, and your wife. To him you shall allow half your parsonage to maintain her. The deeds are ready within: if you'll sign them, and deliver your wife to our use, she shall discharge you.
Par. I submit, sir; but I hope your worship will desire no witness to the use of my wife. The sumner, and the watch too, I hope your worship will enjoin them silence.
Wan. You shall not need to fear; I'll have a care of your credit. Call in the watch. Do you know these faces?
[She discovers them.
Par. Ha! abused.
Jolly. Nay, no flinching: if you do, I betake me to master sumner again.
Capt. And I become severe master constable in a trice.
Par. No, no, I submit; and I hope we are all friends. I'm sure I have the hardest part to forgive.
Wan. And I, before all this company, promise to forget, and forgive thee, and am content to take thee again for my dear and mortal husband, now you are tame; but you must see you do so no more; and give yourself to be blind when it is not fit for you to see; and practise to be deaf, and learn to sleep in time, and find business to call you away, when gentlemen come that would be private.
Capt. Why so; now things are as they should be; and when you will obey, you shall command; but when you would be imperious, then I betake me to my constable's staff till you subscribe, Cedunt armis togæ: and if it be false Latin, parson, you must pardon that too.
Jolly. By this hand, I must have my tithe-night with thee, thou art such a wag. Say when? When wilt thou give me leave, ha?
Wan. Never.
Jolly. Never!
Wan. No, never.
Jolly. D'ye hear? I am none of them that work for charity. Either resolve to pay, or I kick down all my milk again.
Wan. What would you have?
Jolly. Give me leave to lie with you.
Wan. No indeed.
Jolly. No!
Wan. No; but rather than quarrel, as I said before, I will give you leave to say you have lain with me.
Wild. I am of opinion she owes you nothing now. So, Mistress Wanton, take your husband; and, to remove all doubts, this night I'll be at the charge of a wedding-supper.
Par. This is better than Newgate-hole yet, Bridewell hemp, brown bread, and whipcord.
[Exeunt omnes.