RALPH ROISTER DOISTER A COMEDY (continued 2)

C. Custance. So, sirrah! If I should not with him take this way, I should not be rid of him, I think, till doom's day. I will call forth my folks, that without any mocks, If he come again, we may give him raps and knocks. Madge Mumblecrust, come forth, and Tibet Talkapace; Yea, and come forth too, Mistress Annot Alyface. An. Alyface. I come. Tib. Talk. And I am here. M. Mumbl. And I am here too, at length. C. Custance. Like warriors, if need be, ye must show your strength. The man that this day hath thus beguiled you Is Ralph Roister Doister, whom ye know well enou'; The most lout and dastard that ever on ground trod. Tib. Talk. I see all folk mock him, when he goeth abroad. C. Custance. What, pretty maid, will ye talk when I speak? Tib. Talk. No, forsooth, good mistress. C. Custance. Will ye my tale break? He threateneth to come hither with all his force to fight; I charge you, if he come, on him with all your might: M. Mumbl. I with my distaff will reach him one rap. Tib. Talk. And I with my new broom will sweep him one swap; And then with our great club I will reach him one rap. And I with our skimmer will fling him one flap. Tib. Talk. Then Truepenny's fire-fork will him shrewdly fray: And you with the spit may drive him quite away. C. Custance. Go, make all ready, that it may be e'en so. Tib. Talk. For my part, I shrew them that last about it go. [Exeant.

C. Custance. Truepenny did promise me to run a great pace, My friend Tristram Trusty to fet into this place. Indeed he dwelleth hence a good start, I confess; But yet a quick messenger might twice since, as I guess, Have gone and come again. Ah! yond I spy him now. Truepenny (To T. Trusty). Ye are a slow goer, sir, I make God a vow; My Mistress Custance will in me put all the blame; Your legs be longer than mine: come apace, for shame. C. Custance. I can[149] thee thank, Truepenny; thou hast done right well. Truepenny. Mistress, since I went, no grass hath grown on my heel: But Master Tristram Trusty here maketh no speed. C. Custance. That he came at all, I thank him in very deed; For now have I need of the help of some wise man. T. Trusty. Then may I be gone again, for none such I am. Truepenny. Ye may be by your going; for no Alderman Can go, I dare say, a sadder[150] pace than ye can. C. Custance. Truepenny, get thee in; thou shalt among them know, How to use thyself like a proper man, I trow. Truepenny. I go. [Exit. C. Custance. Now, Tristram Trusty, I thank you right much: For at my first sending to come ye never grutch. T. Trusty. Dame Custance, God ye save; and while my life shall last, For my friend Goodluck's sake ye shall not send in waste. C. Custance. He shall give you thanks. T. Trusty. I will do much for his sake. C. Custance. But alack! I fear great displeasure shall he take. T. Trusty. Wherefore? C. Custance. For a foolish matter. T. Trusty. What is your cause? C. Custance. I am ill accumbred with a couple of daws. T. Trusty. Nay, weep not, woman; but tell me what your cause is. As concerning my friend is anything amiss? C. Custance. No, not on my part; but here was Sim. Suresby— Trusty. He was with me, and told me so. C. Custance. And he stood by, While Ralph Roister Doister, with help of Merrygreek, For promise of marriage did unto me seek. T. Trusty. And had ye made any promise before them twain? C. Custance. No, I had rather be torn in pieces and slain. No man hath my faith and troth but Gawin Goodluck, And that before Suresby did I say, and there stuck But of certain letters there were such words spoken— Trusty. He told me that too. C. Custance. And of a ring and token; That Suresby, I spied, did more than half suspect, That I my faith to Gawin Goodluck did reject. T. Trusty. But was there no such matter, Dame Custance, indeed? C. Custance. If ever my head thought it, God send me ill speed! Wherefore, I beseech you, with me to be a witness, That in all my life I never intended thing less. And what a brainsick fool Ralph Roister Doister is, Yourself knows well enough. T. Trusty. Ye say full true, i-wis. C. Custance. Because to be his wife I ne grant nor apply, Hither will he come, he sweareth, by and by, To kill both me and mine, and beat down my house flat; Therefore I pray your aid. T. Trusty. I warrant you that. C. Custance. Have I so many years lived a sober life, And showed myself honest: maid, widow, and wife, And now to be abused in such a vile sort? To see how poor widow live, all void of comfort! T. Trusty. I warrant him do you no harm nor wrong at all. C. Custance. No, but Matthew Merrygreek doth me most appal; That he would join himself with such a wretched lout. T. Trusty. He doth it for a jest, I know him out of doubt. And here cometh Merrygreek? C. Custance. Then shall we hear his mind.

M. Merry. Custance and Trusty both, I do you here well find. C. Custance. Ah! Matthew Merrygreek, ye have used me well! M. Merry. Now, for altogether,[151] ye must your answer tell. Will ye have this man, woman, or else will ye not? Else will he come, never boar so brim,[152] nor toast so hot. C. Custance. But why join ye with him? T. Trusty. For mirth? C. Custance. Or else in sadness? M. Merry. The more fond of you both: hardily the matter guess. T. Trusty. Lo, how say ye, dame? M. Merry. Why, do ye think, dame Custance, That in this wooing I have meant ought but pastance? C. Custance. Much things ye spake, I wot, to maintain his dotage. M. Merry. But well might ye judge, I spake it all in mockage; For why is Roister Doister a fit husband for you? T. Trusty. I dare say ye never thought it. M. Merry. No, to God I vow. And did not I know afore of the insurance Between Gawin Goodluck and Christian Custance? And did not I for the nonce, by my conveyance, Read his letter in a wrong sense for dalliance? That if you could have take it up at the first bound, We should thereat such a sport and pastime have found, That all the whole town should have been the merrier. C. Custance. Ill ache your heads both! I was never wearier, Nor never more vexed since the first day I was born. T. Trusty. But very well I wist, he here did all in scorn. C. Custance. But I feared thereof to take dishonesty. M. Merry. This should both have made sport, and showed your honesty; And Goodluck, I dare swear, your wit therein would 'low.[153] T. Trusty. Yea, being no worse than we know it to be now. M. Merry. And nothing yet too late: for, when I come to him, Hither will he repair with a sheep's look full grim, By plain force and violence to drive you to yield. C. Custance. If ye two bid me, we will with him pitch a field, I and my maids together. M. Merry. Let us see; be bold! C. Custance. Ye shall see women's war. T. Trusty. That fight will I behold. M. Merry. If occasion serve, taking his part full brim, I will strike at you, but the rap shall light on him. When we first appear— Custance. Then will I run away, As though I were afeard. T. Trusty. Do you that part well play, And I will sue for peace. M. Merry. And I will set him on; Then will he look as fierce as a Cotsold lion.[154] T. Trusty. But when goest thou for him? M. Merry. That do I very now. C. Custance. Ye shall find us here. M. Merry. Well, God have mercy on you. [Exit. T. Trusty. There is no cause of fear; the least boy in the street— C. Custance. Nay, the least girl I have, will make him take his feet. But, hark! me-think they make preparation. T. Trusty. No force, it will be a good recreation. C. Custance. I will stand within, and step forth speedily, And so make as though I ran away dreadfully.

R. Roister. Now, sirs, keep your 'ray, and see your hearts be stout. But where be these caitiffs? Me-think they dare not rout.[155] How sayest thou, Merrygreek? What doth Kit Custance say? M. Merry. I am loth to tell you. R. Roister. Tush, speak, man. Yea or nay? M. Merry. Forsooth, sir, I have spoken for you all that I can; But if ye win her, ye must e'en play the man: E'en to fight it out ye must a man's heart take. R. Roister. Yes, they shall know, as[156] thou knowest, I have a stomach. M. Merry. A stomach (quod you), yea, as good as e'er man had. R. Roister. I trow, they shall find and feel that I am a lad. M. Merry. By this cross, I have seen you eat your meat as well As any that e'er I have seen of, or heard tell. A stomach, quod you? He that will that deny, I know was never at dinner in your company. R. Roister. Nay, the stomach of a man it is, that I mean. M. Merry. Nay, the stomach of an horse or a dog, I ween. R. Roister. Nay, a man's stomach with a weapon, mean I. M. Merry. Ten men can scarce match you with a spoon in a pie. R. Roister. Nay, the stomach of a man to try in strife. M. Merry. I never saw your stomach cloyed yet in my life. R. Roister. Tush, I mean in strife or fighting to try. M. Merry. We shall see how ye will strike now, being angry. R. Roister. Have at thy pate then, and save thy head, if thou may. M. Merry. Nay, then, have at your pate again, by this day. R. Roister. Nay, thou mayest not strike at me again in no wise. M. Merry. I cannot in fight make to you such warrantise: But as for your foes here let them the bargain[157] by. R. Roister. Nay, as for [that,] they shall every mother's child die. And in this my fume a little thing might make me To beat down house and all, and else the devil take me. M. Merry. If I were as ye be, by Gog's dear mother, I would not leave one stone upon another. Though she would redeem it with twenty thousand pounds. R. Roister. It shall be even so, by his lily wounds! M. Merry. Be not at one with her[158] upon any amends. R. Roister. No, though she make to me never so many friends. Not if all the world for her would undertake: No, not God himself neither shall not her peace make. On therefore, march forward! Soft, stay a while yet. M. Merry. On! R. Roister. Tarry. M. Merry. Forth! R. Roister. Back. M. Merry. On! R. Roister. Soft. Now forward set. Enter C. Custance. C. Custance. What business have we here? Out, alas, alas! R. Roister. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Didst thou see that, Merrygreek, how afraid she was? Didst thou see how she fled apace out of my sight? Ah, good sweet Custance! I pity her, by this light. M. Merry. That tender heart of yours will mar altogether; Thus will ye be turned with wagging of a feather. R. Roister. On, sirs, keep your 'ray. M. Merry. On forth, while this gear is hot. R. Roister. Soft, the Arms of Calais, I have one thing forgot. M. Merry. What lack we now? R. Roister. Retire, or else we be all slain. M. Merry. Back, for the pash of God! back, sirs, back again! What is the great matter? R. Roister. This hasty forth-going Had almost brought us all to utter undoing; It made me forget a thing most necessary. M. Merry. Well remembered of a captain, by Saint Mary. R. Roister. It is a thing must be had. M. Merry. Let us have it then. R. Roister. But I wot not where or how. M. Merry. Then wot not I when. But what is it? R. Roister. Of a chief thing I am to seek. M. Merry. Tut, so will ye be, when ye have studied a week. [Aside. But tell me what it is? R. Roister. I lack yet an headpiece. M. Merry. The kitchen collocavit the best hens to grease; Run, fet it, Dobinet, and come at once withal, And bring with thee my potgun,[159] hanging by the wall.[160] I have seen your head with it, full many a time, Covered as safe as it had been with a scrine: And I warrant it save your head from any stroke, Except perchance to be amazed with the smoke: I warrant your head therewith, except for the mist, As safe as if it were fast locked up in a chist. And lo, here our Dobinet cometh with it now. D. Dough. It will cover me to the shoulders well enou'. M. Merry. Let me see it on. R. Roister. In faith, it doth meetly well. M. Merry. There can be no fitter thing. Now ye must us tell What to do. R. Roister. Now forth in 'ray, sirs, and stop no more. M. Merry. Now, Saint George to borrow![161] Drum, dub-a-dub afore. T. Trusty. What mean you to do, sir? Commit manslaughter? R. Roister. To kill forty such is a matter of laughter. T. Trusty. And who is it, sir, whom ye intend thus to spill? R. Roister. Foolish Custance here forceth me against my will. T. Trusty. And is there no mean your extreme wrath to slake? She shall some amends unto your good maship make. R. Roister. I will none amends. T. Trusty. Is her offence so sore? M. Merry. And he were a lout, she could have done no more. She hath call'd him fool, and 'dressed him like a fool, Mocked him like a fool, used him like a fool. T. Trusty. Well, yet the Sheriff, the Justice or Constable, Her misdemeanour to punish might be able. R. Roister. No, sir, I mine own self will, in this present cause, Be Sheriff and Justice, and whole Judge of the laws. This matter to amend all officers be I shall: Constable, Bailiff, Sergeant— M. Merry. And hangman, and all. [Aside. T. Trusty. Yet a noble courage and the heart of a man Should more honour win by bearing with a woman. Therefore take the law, and let her answer thereto. R. Roister. Merrygreek, the best way were even so to do. What honour should it be with a woman to fight? M. Merry. And what, then, will ye thus forego and lese your right? R. Roister. Nay, I will take the law on her withouten grace. T. Trusty. Or, if your maship could pardon this one trespass— I pray you, forgive her. R. Roister. Hoh! M. Merry. Tush, tush, sir, do not. T. Trusty. Be good master to her. R. Roister. Hoh! M. Merry. Tush, I say, do not. And what! shall your people here return straight home? R. Roister. Yea, levy the camp, sirs, and hence again each one. But be still in readiness, if I hap to call;[162] I cannot tell what sudden chance may befall. M. Merry. Do not off your harness, sirs, I you advise, At the least for this fortnight, in no manner wise. Perchance in an hour, when all ye think least, Our master's appetite to fight will be best. But soft, ere ye go, have once at Custance house. R. Roister. Soft, what wilt thou do? M. Merry. Once discharge my arquebus; And for my heart's ease, have once more with my potgun. R. Roister. Hold thy hands! else is all our purpose clean fordone. M. Merry. And it cost me my life! R. Roister. I say, thou shalt not. M. Merry. By the matt,[163] but I will have once more with hail-shot. I will have some pennyworth; I will not lese all.

C. Custance. What caitiffs are those, that so shake my house-wall? M. Merry. Ah, sirrah now Custance, if ye had so much wit, I would see you ask pardon, and yourselves submit. C. Custance. Have I still this ado with a couple of fools? M. Merry. Hear ye what she saith? C. Custance. Maidens, come forth with your tools, In a ray. M. Merry. Dubba-dub, sirrah! R. Roister. In a ray! They come suddenly on us. M. Merry. Dub-a-dub-dub! R. Roister. In a ray! That ever I was born! we are taken tardy. M. Merry. Now, sirs, quit yourselves like tall men and hardy. C. Custance. On afore, Truepenny! Hold thine own, Annot! On toward them, Tibet, for scape us they cannot! Come forth, Madge Mumblecrust! so, stand fast together. M. Merry. God send us a fair day! R. Roister. See, they march on hither. Tib. Talk. But, mistress— C. Custance. What say'st thou? Tib. Talk. Shall I go fet our goose? C. Custance. What to do? Tib. Talk. To yonder Captain I will turn her loose. And she gape and hiss at him, as she doth at me, I durst jeopard my hand she will make him flee.[164] C. Custance. On forward! R. Roister. They come. M. Merry. Stand! R. Roister. Hold! M. Merry. Keep! R. Roister. There! M. Merry. Strike! R. Roister. Take heed! C. Custance. Well said, Truepenny! Truepenny. Ah, whoresons! C. Custance. Well done, indeed! M. Merry. Hold thine own, Harpax! Down with them, Dobinet! C. Custance. Now, Madge; there, Annot; now stick them, Tibet! Tib. Talk. All my chief quarrel is to this same little knave, That beguiled me last day; nothing shall him save. D. Dough. Down with this little quean, that hath at me such spite! Save you from her, master, it is a very sprite. C. Custance. I myself will mounsire grand captain undertake. R. Roister. They win ground! M. Merry. Save yourself, sir, for God's sake! R. Roister. Out, alas! I am slain; help! M. Merry. Save yourself! R. Roister. Alas! M. Merry. Nay, then, have at you, mistress. R. Roister. Thou hittest me, alas! M. Merry. I will strike at Custance here. R. Roister. Thou hittest me! M. Merry. (aside.) So I will. Nay, mistress Custance. R. Roister. Alas! thou hittest me still. Hold! M. Merry. Save yourself, sir! R. Roister. Help! out alas! I am slain. M. Merry. Truce, hold your hands! truce, for a pissing while or twain.[165] Now, how say you, Custance, for saving of your life, Will ye yield, and grant to be this gentleman's wife? C. Custance. Ye told me he loved me; call ye this love? M. Merry. He loved a while, even like a turtle-dove. C. Custance. Gay love, God save it! so soon hot, so soon cold. M. Merry. I am sorry for you: he could love you yet, so he could. R. Roister. Nay, by Cock's precious, she shall be none of mine. M. Merry. Why so? R. Roister. Come away, by the matt, she is mankine.[166] I durst adventure the loss of my right hand. If she did not slee her other husband. And see, if she prepare not again to fight! M. Merry. What, then, Saint George to borrow, our Lady's knight? R. Roister. Slee else whom she will, by Gog, she shall not slee me. M. Merry. How then? R. Roister. Rather than to be slain, I will flee. C. Custance. To it again, my knightesses! down with them all! R. Roister. Away, away, away! she will else kill us all. M. Merry. Nay, stick to it, like an hardy man and a tall. R. Roister. O bones, thou hittest me! Away, or else die we shall. M. Merry. Away, for the pash of our sweet Lord Jesus Christ! C. Custance. Away, lout and lubber, or I shall be thy priest! [Exeant Om.[167] So this field is ours; we have driven them all away. Tib. Talk. Thanks to God, mistress, ye have had a fair day. C. Custance. Well, now go ye in, and make yourself some good cheer. Omnes Pariter. We go. T. Trusty. Ah, sir! what a field we have had here. C. Custance. Friend Tristram, I pray you be a witness with me. T. Trusty. Dame Custance, I shall depose for your honesty. And now fare ye well, except something else ye would. C. Custance. Not now, but when I need to send, I will be bold. [Exeat. I thank you for these pains. And now I will get me in. Now Roister Doister will no more wooing begin. [Ex.

G. Good. Sim. Suresby, my trusty man, now advise thee well, And see that no false surmises thou me tell. Was there such ado about Custance, of a truth? Sim. Sure. To report that I heard and saw to me is ruth; But both my duty, and name, and property,[168] Warneth me to you to show fidelity. It may be well enough, and I wish it so to be, She may herself discharge, and try her honesty; Yet their claim to her, me-thought, was very large, For with letters, rings, and tokens they did her charge. Which when I heard and saw, I would none to you bring. G. Good. No, by Saint Mary, I allow thee[169] in that thing. Ah sirrah! now I see truth in the proverb old: All things that shineth is not by and by pure gold. If any do live a woman of honesty, I would have sworn Christian Custance had been she. Sim. Sure. Sir, though I to you be a servant true and just, Yet do not ye therefore your faithful spouse mistrust; But examine the matter, and if ye shall it find To be all well, be not ye for my words unkind. G. Good. I shall do that is right, and as I see cause why. But here cometh Custance forth; we shall know by and by.

C. Custance. I come forth to see and hearken for news good; For about this hour is the time, of likelihood, That Gawin Goodluck, by the sayings of Suresby, Would be at home; and lo! yond I see him, I. What, Gawin Goodluck! the only hope of my life, Welcome home, and kiss me your true espoused wife. G. Good. Nay, soft, dame Custance; I must first, by your licence, See whether all things be clear in your conscience. I hear of your doings to me very strange. C. Custance. What! fear ye that my faith towards you should change? G. Good. I must needs mistrust ye be elsewhere entangled, For I hear that certain men with you have wrangled For I hear that certain men with you have wrangled About the promise of marriage by you to them made. C. Custance. Could any man's report therein your mind persuade! G. Good. Well, you must therein declare yourself to stand clear, Else I and you, dame Custance, may not join this year. C. Custance. Then would I were dead, and fair laid in my grave. Ah! Suresby, is this the honesty that ye have, To hurt me with your report, not knowing the thing? Sim. Sure. If ye be honest, my words can hurt you nothing; But what I heard and saw, I might not but report, C. Custance. Ah, Lord, help poor widows, destitute of comfort! Truly, most dear spouse, nought was done but for pastance. G. Good. But such kind of sporting is homely daliance. C. Custance. If ye knew the truth, ye would take all in good part. G. Good. By your leave, I am not half well-skilled in that art. C. Custance. It was none but Roister Doister, that foolish mome. G. Good. Yea, Custance, better (they say) a bad excuse than none. C. Custance. Why, Tristram Trusty, sir, your true and faithful friend, Was privy both to the beginning and the end. Let him be the judge, and for me testify. G. Good. I will the more credit that he shall verify; And because I will the truth know, e'en as it is, I will to him myself, and know all without miss. Come on, Sim. Suresby, that before my friend thou may Avouch thee the same words, which thou did'st to me say. [Exeant.

C. Custance. O Lord! how necessary it is now of days, That each body live uprightly all manner ways; For let never so little a gap be open, And be sure of this, the worst shall be spoken. How innocent stand I in this for deed or thought, And yet see what mistrust towards me it hath wrought. But thou, Lord, knowest all folks' thoughts, and eke intents; And thou art the deliverer of all innocents. Thou didst help the advoutress,[170] that she might be amended; Much more then help, Lord, that never ill intended. Thou didst help Susanna, wrongfully accused, And no less dost thou see, Lord, how I am now abused. Thou didst help Hester, when she should have died; Help also, good Lord, that my truth may be tried. Yet, if Gawin Goodluck with Tristram Trusty speak, I trust of ill-report the force shall be but weak; And lo! yond they come, sadly talking together: I will abide, and not shrink for their coming hither.

G. Good. And was it none other than ye to me report? T. Trusty. No; and here were ye wished, to have seen the sport. G. Good. Would I had, rather than half of that in my purse. Sim. Sure. And I do much rejoice the matter was no worse. And like as to open it I was to you faithful, So of Dame Custance honest truth I am joyful. For God forfend that I should hurt her by false report. G. Good. Well, I will no longer hold her in discomfort. C. Custance. Now come they hitherward: I trust all shall be well. G. Good. Sweet Custance, neither heart can think, nor tongue tell, How much I joy in your constant fidelity. Come now, kiss me, the pearl of perfect honesty. C. Custance. God let me no longer to continue in life, Than I shall towards you continue a true wife. G. Good. Well, now to make you for this some part of amends, I shall desire first you, and then such of our friends As shall to you seem best, to sup at home with me, Where at your fought field we shall laugh and merry be. Sim. Sure. And, mistress, I beseech you take with me no grief:[171] I did a true man's part, not wishing your repreef. C. Custance. Though hasty reports, through surmises growing, May of poor innocents be utter overthrowing, Yet because to thy master thou hast a true heart, And I know mine own truth, I forgive thee for my part. G. Good. Go we all to my house, and of this gear no more. Go, prepare all things, Sim. Suresby; hence, run afore. Sim. Sure. I go. [Ex. G. Good. Good. But who cometh yond? Master Merrygreek? C. Custance. Roister Doister's champion; I shrew his best cheek. T. Trusty. Roister Doister's self, your wooer, is with him too. Surely some thing there is with us they have to do.

M. Merry. Yonder I see Gawin Goodluck, to whom lieth my message. I will first salute him after his long voyage, And then make all things well concerning your behalf. R. Roister. Yea, for the pash of God. M. Merry. Hence! out of sight, ye calf, Till I have spoke with them, and then I will you fet. R. Roister. In God's name.[172] M. Merry. What, master Gawin Goodluck, well-met; And from your long voyage I bid you right welcome home. G. Good. I thank you. M. Merry. I come to you from an honest mome, G. Good. Who is that? M. Merry. Roister Doister, that doughty kite. C. Custance. Fie! I can scarce abide ye should his name recite. M. Merry. Ye must take him to favour, and pardon all past; He heareth of your return, and is full ill aghast. G. Good. I am right well content he have with us some cheer. C. Custance. Fie upon him, beast! then will not I be there. G. Good. Why, Custance, do ye hate him more than ye love me? C. Custance. But for your mind, sir, where he were, would I not be. T. Trusty. He would make us all laugh. M. Merry. Ye ne'er had better sport. G. Good. I pray you, sweet Custance, let him to us resort. C. Custance. To your will I assent. M. Merry. Why, such a fool it is, As no man for good pastime would forego or miss. G. Good. Fet him to go with us. M. Merry. He will be a glad man. [Ex. T. Trusty. We must, to make us mirth, maintain him[173] all we can. And lo, yond' he cometh, and Merrygreek with him. C. Custance. At his first entrance, ye shall see I will him trim. But first let us hearken the gentleman's wise talk. T. Trusty. I pray you, mark, if ever ye saw crane so stalk.

R. Roister. May I then be bold? M. Merry. I warrant you on my word. They say they shall be sick, but ye be at their board. R. Roister. They were not angry, then? M. Merry. Yes, at first, and made strange; But when I said your anger to favour should change, And therewith had commended you accordingly, They were all in love with your maship by and by; And cried you mercy, that they had done you wrong. R. Roister. For why no man, woman, nor child can hate me long. M. Merry. We fear (quod they) he will be avenged one day; Then for a penny give all our lives we may. R. Roister. Said they so indeed? M. Merry. Did they? yea, even with one voice. He will forgive all (quod I). O, how they did rejoice! R. Roister. Ha, ha, ha! M. Merry. Go fet him (say they), while he is in good mood; For have his anger who lust, we will not, by the rood! R. Roister. I pray God that it be all true, that thou hast me told, And that she fight no more. M. Merry. I warrant you; be bold. To them, and salute them. R. Roister. Sirs, I greet you all well. Omnes. Your mastership is welcome. C. Custance. Saving my quarrel, For sure I will put you up into the Exchequer. M. Merry. Why so? Better nay. Wherefore? C. Custance. For an usurer. R. Roister. I am no usurer, good mistress, by His arms. M. Merry. When took he gain of money, to any man's harms? C. Custance. Yes, a foul usurer he is, ye shall see else. R. Roister. Did'st not thou promise she would pick no mo quarrels? [To Merr. C. Custance. He will lend no blows, but he have in recompense Fifteen for one, which is too much of conscience. R. Roister. Ah dame! by the ancient law of arms, a man Hath no honour to foil his hands on a woman. C. Custance. And where other usurers take their gains yearly, This man is angry, but he have his by and by. G. Good. Sir, do not for her sake bear me your displeasure. M. Merry. Well, he shall with you talk thereof more at leisure. Upon your good usage he will now shake your hand. R. Roister. And much heartily welcome from a strange land. M. Merry. Be not afeard, Gawin, to let him shake your fist. G. Good. O, the most honest gentleman that e'er I wist. I do beseech your maship to take pain to sup with us. M. Merry. He shall not say you nay, (and I too by Jesus,) Because ye shall be friends, and let all quarrels pass. R. Roister. I will be as good friends with them as e'er I was. M. Merry. Then, let me fet your quire, that we may have a song. R. Roister. Go. G. Good. I have heard no melody all this year long. M. Merry.[174] Come on, sirs, quickly. R. Roister. Sing on, sirs, for my friend's sake. D. Dough. Call ye these your friends? R. Roister. Sing on, and no mo words make. [Here they sing. G. Good. The Lord preserve our most noble Queen of renown,[175] And her virtues reward with the heavenly crown. C. Custance. The Lord strengthen her most excellent Majesty, Long to reign over us in all prosperity. T. Trusty. That her godly proceedings, the faith to defend, He may stablish and maintain through to the end. M. Merry. God grant her, as she doth, the Gospel to protect, Learning and virtue to advance, and vice to correct. R. Roister. God grant her loving subjects both the mind and grace Her most godly proceedings worthily to embrace. Harpax. Her highness most worthy councillors God prosper, With honour and love all men to minister. Omnes. God grant the nobility her to serve and love, With all the common'ty, as doth them behove! Amen.[176]

Who so to marry a minion wife,[178] Hath had good chance and hap, Must love her and cherish her all his life, And dandle her in his lap, If she will fare well, if she will go gay, A good husband ever still, Whatever she lust to do or to say, Must let her have her own will, About what affairs soever he go, He must show her all his mind, None of his counsels she may be kept fro, Else is he a man unkind.

I mun be married a Sunday; I mun be married a Sunday; Whosoever shall come that way, I mun be married a Sunday. Roister Doister is my name; Roister Doister is my name; A lusty brute I am the same; I mun be married a Sunday. Christian Custance have I found; Christian Custance have I found; A widow worth a thousand pound: I mun be married a Sunday. Custance is as sweet as honey; Custance is as sweet as honey; I her lamb, and she my coney; I mun be married a Sunday. When we shall make our wedding feast, When we shall make our wedding feast, There shall be cheer for man and beast; I mun be married a Sunday. I mun be married a Sunday, &c.

Placebo dilexi. Master Roister Doister will straight go home and die, Our Lord Jesus Christ his soul have mercy upon: Thus you see, to-day a man, to-morrow John.[179] Yet, saving for a woman's extreme cruelty, He might have lived yet a month, or two, or three; But in spite of Custance, which hath him wearied, His maship shall be worshipfully buried. And while some piece of his soul is yet him within, Some part of his funeral let us here begin. Dirige. He will go darkling[180] to his grave; Neque lux, neque crux, nisi solum clink; Never genman so went toward heaven, I think. Yet, sirs, as ye will the bliss of heaven win, When he cometh to the grave, lay him softly in; And all men take heed by this one gentleman, How you set your love upon an unkind woman; For these women be all such mad peevish elves, They will not be won, except it please themselves. But, in faith, Custance, if ever ye come in hell, Master Roister Doister shall serve you as well. Good night, Roger, old knave; farewell, Roger, old knave; Good night, Roger, old knave; knave, knap. Ne quando. Audivi vocem. Requiem æternam. The Peal of bells rung by the parish Clerk and Roister Doister's four men. The first Bell, a Triple. When died he? When died he? The second. We have him! We have him! The third. Roister Doister! Roister Doister! The fourth Bell. He cometh! He cometh! The great Bell. Our own! Our own!