Note 38 — Chapter IX

Sir Ian Malcolm was inspired by this memorandum to write his "rhymed endeavour to convey the contents of a grave 'pronunciamento' on deportment: compiled (it is believed) by Lord Eustace Percy and issued to the Members of the Mission before landing in the New World." The poem appears among the "Mission Hymns" in Stuff—And Nonsense.

"Circular Notes"

To the Mission

In your hours of ease, I beg you Missionaries, one and all,

Read, mark, learn, digest and pass on This concise Encyclical.

You will find its interest chaining —Sometimes even entertaining.

First of all you must remember That you go to U.S.A.,

To a land of candid critics; So be careful what you say.

I shan't mind the least if some

People think you're deaf and dumb.

If with questions you are pestered By the Press for news athirst,

Do not risk replying till you've Wired home for instructions first.

Heaven knows what might occur

If you answered "on the spur."

E.G.: "Why bring re-made soldiers On your diplomatic stunt?"

Should the ready lie elude you Give a non-committal grunt,

Or remark with pungent wit

"Miles nascitur non fit."

(Note: for General T. Bridges— Please observe a strict disguise;

Don't appear in medalled khaki Or regard their martial cries.

If they cap you, don't salute;

If they challenge you, don't shoot.)

Should they ask if England's starving, You may answer, "Look at me,

Do I seem emaciated Or in need of sympathy?"

If you have the indigestion,

Ask for notice of the question.

Very possibly they'll ask you "What is happening in Greece?"

"What about the Spring Offensive?" Or what day the war will cease.

You should say, "I've no idea,"

And manœuvre for the rear.

There is just one other matter Which diplomacy dictates

Should be handled with discretion In non-alcoholic States;

'Twould be well received, I think,

If the Mission didn't drink.

That completes the list of topics I would have you bear in mind;

To sum up: I urge my colleagues To be deaf and dumb—not "blind."

Please observe punctiliously

These injunctions.

s.s. Olympic.————————————A. J. B.