Note 19 — Part Two: How the Author Came to Be a Female-Impersonator

I had in mind possible predestination to be a fille de joie—the career which haunted me, off and on, every year of my life after my second, even years before I heard of the existence of such filles. I had already had an intensive five years career (third to seventh years). Another foreshadowing (that of my actual career from my twenty-sixth to fortieth years) was a common dream, from about my ninth to fourteenth years, of being chased through streets and fields by youthful soldiers, who would finally catch me, and great terror would result. The dream occurred so often that in my waking hours I resolved, the next time I had that dream, to tell the soldier boldly: “I am not afraid of you, because this is only a dream!” Repeatedly in my dreams did I tell that to the soldier who had grabbed me, but he replied (as I dreamt): “You are mistaken. This is not a dream. It is the real thing!” And then I would become as terrified as ever. My dream would always end a second or two after being grabbed, and generally I would wake up as if from a night-mare.