Note 166 — Chapter XXV

WOMAN SUFFRAGE IN THE COURTS.—SHAKESPEARE REVIVED.

In the case of Hamlet vs. Rex, Shakespeare's reports, occurs the following:

Scene—Churchyard.—Enter two clowns with spades.

First Clown. Is she to be buried in Christian burial that wilfully seeks her own salvation?

Second Clown. I tell thee, she is; therefore make her grave straight. The crowner hath set on her and finds it Christian burial.

First Clown. How can that be, unless she drowned herself in her own defense?

Second Clown. Why,'tis found so.

First Clown. It must be so, se offendendo; it can not be else. For here lies the point. If I drown myself wittingly, it argues an act; and an act has three branches—it is to act, to do, and to perform. Argal, she drowned herself wittingly.

Second Clown. Nay, but hear you good man, deliver.

First Clown. Give me leave. Here lies the water. Good. Here stands the man. Good. If the man goes to this water and drowns himself, it is nil he, will he, he goes. Mark you that. But if the water come to him and drown him, he drowns not himself. Argal, he that is not guilty of his own death shortens not his own life.

Second Clown. But is this law?

First Clown. Ay, marry is't, crowner quest law.

It hardly needed any better authority than the above to convince simple-minded people of the truth of the observation made by Blackstone that "law is the perfection of human reason." But if law is great, those who expound it are greater.

The woman suffrage trial came on. The judges endeavored to follow the arguments as far as possible, and to religiously earn their salaries by the attention given, if no more. The arguments were finally finished, and the women of the country waited expectantly to hear their legal status defined.

It took just one week for the united judicial wisdom of this District to consider this case in all its bearings, and then the decision came. It was about as follows:

Scene—District Court-room.—Enter Judges with law books.

First Judge. Women are voters but they can't vote. Voting is a privilege and not a natural right, and must be conferred; it has clearly been conferred by the supreme law of the land, therefore women can not vote. A little voting is a good thing, but too much voting is injurious to public interests, as is instanced in our large cities. If women vote, there would be more voting than at present, consequently women are not entitled to vote. The Constitution gives women the right to vote. The organic law of the district does not. The latter, of course, is void where it conflicts with the former, therefore can not women vote. Congress has clearly recognized woman's right to the ballot, wily or nily. But the ballot must come to the woman, not she to the ballot, or else the law is violated. Congress must go further, and point out to women how the ballot must come to her, or else will she not be given Christian reception at the polls who willfully seek to vote thereat. Therefore can not women vote.

Second Judge. Women are men, but men are not women. The former include the latter, but the latter won't be included. That is to say, the law regards men as women but not males as females. It is not every right which can be exercised, as society will not admit of it. The law, which is above society, says women shall vote, but society has not acceded, and hence this court can not interfere. Therefore, I concur that women can not vote.

Third Judge. I do not know but that the better way would have been for Congress to have done otherwise than it did. Why it did as it did is a question. But it did. It might have done more, or less, or both. It might have done otherwise. In either case it would have done so. And then it would have been. But as it is, it is perhaps as well as if it should have been. Therefore can not women vote.

Plaintiffs' Attorneys. But is this law?

The Three Judges. Verily is't the law of the Supreme Court of the District of Columbia.

This parody was written by J. W. Knowlton, son-in-law of Mr. Riddle.