Note 24 — Chapter XVII · Dungeness, and the “Greatest of the Lees”—Cultivation of the Olive—Criminations of the Officers.
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An account in the Port Royal New South of an April-fool performance at Fernandina (said to be a literal record of an actual occurrence), is greatly gloated over by the military authorities, as a specimen of what they call the meanness and imbecility of the civil officials. It illustrates, at least, the state of feeling between the services. The account sets forth that a Mr. Goodrich had brought into Fernandina, from Nassau, a small schooner, in ballast. The Collector had suspicions of intended contraband trade. He was stimulated by pretended disclosures, to the point of bringing Mr. Goodrich before the Provost Marshal for an examination. The New South proceeds:
“Mr. Wells testified that Mr. Goodrich had, in a season of friendly confidence, exhibited to him, at his house, a pipe of whisky, which he admitted having brought on shore from his schooner, after dark, and without the knowledge of the Collector of the Customs, the said pipe of whisky being ignored in the vessel’s manifest; and that Goodrich further disclosed that he had two more pipes in the house, that would be brought into requisition when this was exhausted.
“Mr. Goodrich admitted that he had no witnesses to examine, and very little to say in his defense, but he would like to interrogate the witnesses who had testified against him. Permission being granted, the following conversation ensued:
“Mr. Goodrich—Do you swear positively, Mr. Wells, that you saw the pipe of whisky?
“Mr. Wells—I do, solemnly.
“Collector—That’s conclusive—I don’t think it worth while to waste time; I’ve decided to seize the vessel.
“Mr. Goodrich—I insist on my right. Were you permitted to satisfy yourselves that the pipe contained whisky?
“Witnesses—We were.
“Collector—I think, Mr. Provost Marshal, this case is a clear one.
“Mr. Goodrich—I’ll make it clearer, sir. Gentlemen, would you recognize that pipe of whisky if you saw it again, so as to be able to swear to it?
“Witnesses—We should.
“Mr. Goodrich—(taking an old Briar Wood from his pocket). Was that the pipe?
“Witnesses—(emphatically)—That’s the identical pipe.
“Collector—(with very long face and very large eyes)—What do you say?
“Witnesses—That’s the pipe that Mr. Goodrich had whisky in.
“Collector—(rushing out of the office)—Go to ——. The rest of the sentence was lost in the distance.”